Every Second Counts

I wonder if there's a word for feeling outside of time, of routine. Disconnection? Transit between terminals? Maybe there's a German word for it. Being put on hold. 

Dos Mil Cien Pesos

I write (wrote) this in the twilight of the year. The colours don't blend,the redder the sky, the bluer the water. I always do, even when the change is arbitrary, it is real because it is made.

I wanted to 'actively rest'. I imagine like some writer who spends his time in a cottage by the sea and puts down, materializes his abstractions into a murder mystery. I sat in the taxi yesterday coming home (regresan), and wondered if I had let me ideal of Chris insidiously overcome the reality of her. I wonder what people do to reconcile this. I also wonder why reality is  often thought of as grittier and grimmer. Maybe because we would rather daydream sunshine than night.

I am proud of the baby steps me llevo en espanol. Haco? Mis mejor enfruerzo. I am no genius, I have to do things the hard way. Which is the traditional way. I wondered if my time was so spare, or perhaps my mentality not under the "siege" of time slipping that allowed me this. Or simply talking to real people right after studying a book. I hope to repeat this in San Francisco, maybe with Russian, then Arabic, then ?? Malay and Cantonese, or in reverse, and let my fears go, let the image of an embarrassed adult be that of the old white lady visiting Paris, and trying her best.

All I wanted was a black grand national. Funnily, my blank ink dried. I've always been a 'hopeless romantic' with 'a bleeding heart', I like writing and speaking metaphorically and abstractly, though I guess people would want it more structured, disciplined, to give it respect. Rambling doesn't justify attention. Maybe that's why I like reading Ying Yue's blog, or find it endearing she reads mine (at some point), it feels like a kindred spirit, though in reality I don't know her outside of that stream of consciousness. I also wonder if it's a form of luxury (it is) to have mental leisure time like this as if my time need not be spent productively. My hope, my justification is simply that it brings about renewed clarity and agility in my thinking later.

Time to think of a nickname, in Spanish, for her.