Sleeping

I was thinking just now about how my blog is a place to express myself, and maybe it's because of the difficulty of sounding emotional out-loud, in-real life as a guy, or otherwise normal human being. I think it ruins the image of sounding stoic and in-control and not attention seeking and not needy.

I slept for 18 hours by accident and by design since I didn't set an alarm. I woke up normally yesterday and so I didn't think I would need to honestly, but I guess the jet-lag really didn't reset that quickly... so it's back to square one. I overheard my mother joking that I was useless, having heard I slept so much. My dad said it probably means I needed the sleep. I think it really shows their different approaches to life. The capitalist and the 'normal'. I guess now I'll start looking again. Another thought I had was that I slept 18 hours because it's a sign of depression? I don't think so though.

I feel like I've learnt to quickly the normative nature of words, without any experience. Like 'networking' - what is that supposed to mean? It sounds ridiculous, and a lot of people give me a lot of shit for it, but when I think about it, I can't grasp it conceptually, it sound estranged, foreign and scary. Is it fear then? Maybe. In my head I just see negative things, a room full of tired, fake, uninterested people. But that isn't true. Supposedly it 'happens all the time', but I think that is a lie. I don't know if it is possible to 'network' and do other things at the same time. It just sounds like a deception. This ricemedia article I'm reading doesn't help: https://www.ricemedia.co/culture-events-diary-forced-boss-visit-funan-mall/?fbclid=IwAR3dBkoEZqMyI7A5v2I1LxG_Vt7eCff-Z3jmvu7sas9j-Czj2yTl38J5Lcc. I think the worst emotional feeling in the world for me is embarrassment, which is extremely Chinese. I don't know how this came to be, but it is. I just read that LinkedIn is apparently one of the top 10 sites visited in Singapore. Jesus christ that's banal. Fyi Blogger is telling me to capitalize the word Christ lol. When people smile so cheesily in the camera, are they thinking of memes, or are they genuinely blissful? My brother saw my graduation photos and saw my half-smiles and said I looked like a monk. But to tell you the truth I didn't know if I was happy enough then, which was the real problem.

I wonder who are the 1 or 2 views that see my post, or are they just search algorithms parsing through my site? It's hard to know these days. I'll tell you something though, this ricemedia article really stings, because I was in the process of accepting I must become a 'liberal-leaning' type they describe, and it's displaying it in full glory. Mostly I feel caught in a contradiction. On the one hand I've decided to pursue an education in 'capitalism' but am not particularly seduced by that work space. I am told by my mom most people are lying all the time 'but what to do' as in this is the reality we live in. On the other hand I feel like I relate much more to the artist-type 'outsiders' of sort, although they lean-in to society in odd dysfunctional ways too, but I have no talent in that regard, even in photography which I've given up almost entirely. There are thousands of 'tips' on career-building on all these sites, and I feel uneasy, why are they helping, and I can already hear a retort from Christelle. I don't know, but I feel put off by smiling these days, for the same reason that Musée des beaux arts is a great poem.

Why

I have not been able to concentrate for the past hour since Igor lambasted me for lambasting Nico. The truth is that I take him very seriously, and I took the two elections that I lost very seriously. The truth is, it hurts very much to have had such a bad quarter and not be able to overcome those challenges to prepare for my speeches. The truth is, it was very difficult juggling everything, bed bugs inclusive, and living so far off campus, and I am extremely exhausted and frustrated. And I feel even more frustrated because I believe I have done everything I am supposed to do for the fraternity while seeing other people seemingly not do the same things. I'm not sure what's going on in their lives, but I get the feeling I am handling a lot more than other people and still managing to contribute.

I think what upsets me is as Steele puts it, I worship my independence, and I guess I also worship some sense of self-awareness and moral authority that I detest having to hold on to and it's rearing its ugly head at last - I have always tried to convince myself that I am no better than anyone else but I have not actually been successful, and so in my arrogance I actually believe a lot of people 'don't get it' but don't see it, and I am 'done' playing my part in trying to convince them or to enact slow change. And my time is up, because it also hurts truly, seeing all my friends get elected (and they are all very qualified to do so), while I am left to freeload and my efforts (and I really feel like I staked a few eggs into this basket) but fell short of overcoming the fact that I was not here fall. And that is why I feel so fucking angry, that I was penalized for some understandable, structural region.

I've dangled the thought of deactivating but then my housing would be hopeless. So I am left as someone whom I believe tried my very best to contribute but will never have anything to show for it... just freeloading in the house. And it's sad that while I don't think that is very important in a sense, I built it up to really mean something to me that I could be an international student and juggle all these things and study abroad and still get a leadership role of some sort, and it means something to society who will see that I joined a fraternity but never took on anything significant. I'm toying now with the idea that I feel upset also because I 'wasted' so much time trying to run for things, and I guess told to many people that I did, and so I am ashamed I am this mediocre, ultimately.

And I consider myself, a loser for it. I am the jack of all trades, but truly master of none.

3 Weeks Older

The past few days have been pretty eventful, and I feel like those eventfulness-ness is about to burn out as soon as school ends. Somehow, the same old end-of-quarter kind of melancholy hits me.

I actually am so annoyed at how much I want her company right now. Like chill~

^Wrote all of that before we spontaneously decided to meet up :)
Glad we can be honest, really tired now. I hope it lasts.
3 weeks older is an obvious reference to a really pertinent song 3 years older by Steven Wilson (the lead to porcupine trees); I'm pretty tipsy at this point and all I can think about is how much nicer it would be to just cuddle with Chris right now.

Ayyyyy oh oh oh oh

Google actually, legitimately, reminded me it's my birthday soon.
I was wondering why the cute mother's day animation which I wanted to watch changed.

I was feeling neither here nor there again. And I think when it comes down to it, most of the melancholy I feel goes that way. (Also the way I speak on my blog is so bourgeoise). I feel this way becomes, I guess economically speaking, there are scarce resources (or opportunities, goals, time) and unlimited wants, or at least, more than the supply.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm going to write when I leave, and I know I will, but maybe separate the opinionated generalizations from the thank yous. And I wonder what I'll forget, because I always do. This is one of them - what is a birthday? How do people spend it? I know that to some degree there's more 'me' here, and I can't really tell if that's good or bad. Reading Katz's book, I remember that one stinging line about so much money being spent on ribbons and medals... it's a little ludicrous to be honest, and yet somehow understandable. I've decided if I'm not going to do some charity work, I'll spend it being productive and helping myself without bothering others. And drink lots of coffee of course.

Karen is leaving, maybe I'll see her in DC.

Revenant

So 4 parties bailed on me today in one way or another. (5 if you count lunch too.) Which meant a lot of civ topped off with gin and tonic and finishing The Revenant. I'm not sure how I feel now, though I remember anger, annoyance, some sadness and loneliness seeing the house so empty. Nobody tends to invite me out, maybe because it's assumed I don't like to (same as when Sahej assumed my habits). And it is kind of selfish to think that people would, I suppose. A little on one side of the autism spectrum.

Her

Either I'm just more free to be extra sensitive when I'm watching films alone, or I'm watching 'these' kinds of movies precisely only when I'm alone, probably both. They're kind of like novels in a way, where the only one escaping is me. In the space.

I watched both Blade Runner and Her, and the former is really good, and smart, but I think a lot of people know that, plus obviously both from recency and because the it's sappy and about relationships, I'm talking about the latter. (Just like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Nick and Nora's infinite playlist). 

But what am I supposed to write about? That I identify with the main character even though he has done some inexcusable creepy things? Am I supposed to pity the patriarchy now? It's sad of course, and the show's (as in, his ex's comments) got a point with him, and I took it too. People obviously hate drama, but if you ain't going to take it, you're probably the selfish one. Because truth be told I'm also sensitive to trivial (to other people) things, but in my self-deceiving self-deception philosophy, I think that holding steadfast to some ideals will help you overcome it. And it probably does to some degree, but not completely. I'm writing so... coherently, and logically... as usual. And trust me I know, I'm sensitive to how... weird that can sound sometimes. Something something edgy teen who's read Nietzche. 

Also true, if I really weren't considering all the practical things like jobs, and future, I might just as well be dating or something (ha! like you could find someone like you), it really does suck.

Her knows that to some degree, what's too good to be true is probably not going to last...
I just took a side-step to read YY's blog. Always liked the simplicity and writing style... I try to do it that way too. It's nice to really read the thoughts of someone who... thinks, in a free-flow, unmasked way? In some respects over here, I've only ever heard it from people I'm genuinely close to or are drunk, which is a bit sad but understandable. In a sense that I think people are afraid of saying what they say because they are afraid they will leave the wrong impression/be judged... and they are and will be, actually. Obviously I feel it to some degree, but I also feel... free, because 'fuck it' basically. But it's been tough... outside of Karen maybe and Dominic, that I feel like people are really... considering their position. What I mean is that I often feel like people are one way or the other in terms of 'social groups', and political views and what not. There's so little... empathy and I guess, this curiosity and drive for inclusion that I've always felt... even though this has frequently just clashed with an instinct of cold toughness (overcompensating? something something toxic masculinity?).

Sigh. Maybe I'll go drop by Drenga.

Shitposting

I gotta say, I'm pretty pissed at the frat rn, and not because of shitposting no.
But I reached a sort of petty impasse, so I've just decided to do work and chill by myself, play loud music, etc. The automatic pseudo-angry edgy teen response. Essentially choosing no friend group options just cause I'm paralyzed by the response lol.
I would definitely say people don't give anger it's due. They treat it as a bad thing when maybe it's a symptom of the body healing itself in a way. One remembers that a real mental problem usually involves a lot of apathy and even non-emotion. (Not for everyone though obviously) But it is a coping mechanism, and I think it's normative and stupid to call it 'bad'. It needs to be channeled, and adapted. So no - don't go shout at people, but hey you can listen to some angry music or play the drums and I think that's completely fine. And yes, leave people alone to steam and don't need to patronize them or bother them - let them steam and express.

#21 Jazz/Funk/Spacerock/stufflikethis
This guy is really good and this song has been stuck in my head. Wish I could find bands (which I'm sure exist) that play this sort of music. Orchestral and storyline based and escapist.

2Red

I lived in a suite called 2Red in ISRC last year, and now I'm back, typing this out.

It's queer to think about the change, in the meaning of what it means now and then, and the growth.

It's quiet again. I was trying to decide downstairs with Dominic's intercession, whether I wanted to play caps at the frat, or stay and watch 30 rock with Conor and Alex. Or just do homework. I guess the latter is now my decision.

It was a messy helplessness. I knew I was socially aware but it finally became at odds with my desire to be as honest as possible. So I guess the right answer was I wanted to play caps at the frat because I prefer to do something over watch 30 Rock because I wanted to move, I wanted to do something rather than watch TV. But then I didn't want the caps game to debilitate my ability to study, because I know my schedule is still so tight. All of this is coupled with a general feeling that I want to hang out with people and so leaves out my room, 101, or the library kinda.

So I'm back in 2Red. It's got a lot of life now compared to last year, when I could sit at the window and let the 4pm sunlight stream onto the pages of War and Peace. I'm a social butterfly, and I think in part it's the logical result of two pathologies. 1. That I always seek new-ness, and bringing people together. 2. I like personal space, and I don't like clingy-ness. And I get this bad feeling that people then perceive me to be closer to some groups than I actually am, because I 'choose' them over others - not realizing that in actuality, I hang out little with most groups. And then bring in the problematic urge for deep and meaningful conversations that only take place after having spent time (or alcohol) with them. This is further complicated by my knowledge that friendships here are temporarily solid at best. As the Onion article put it well - something about how just graduated friends promise to stay together are going to break apart as soon as they part. And then another point - I know that in my head I constantly spin a mythical tale or setting of being alone but meeting a stranger and having a deep conversation, or a person that I've never had a chance to yet but do because of the coincidence. I beat myself up because I know this impractical dream is an insult to the wonderful friends I already have but I neglect in part because I'm chasing an all-or-nothing 'romantic' setting.

Maybe I still haven't gotten over all the problems I've had in the past. And maybe I want yet don't want a stable group of friends/person to be with.

Back

I've decided to write because it's that kind of atmosphere right now.

I just remembered moments in the army, and even further back to primary school, and the juxtaposition of it really 'shuddered' me. Sitting here, in the fraternity house, doing readings for Peoples of Africa, and remembering that far away heat, in the 10C4I office, walking home alone or just to get bhar chor mee. Fuck man, it's wild. I can remember it all so clearly, but maybe it's Heidegger and Freud messing with me now, but it's so unheimliche... maybe it's the music, and the fact that no one here will be able to remember that but me, or that Captain Andy and friends, at some point in my life was so meaningful, and now it would just be awkward seeing them, or I guess not. But knowing how different my life has divulged from clashing with everyone in this universe is just the strangest feeling or alienation and humanity. This weirdness extends to the fact that Dominic would probably get what I'm saying yet Kester wouldn't. And yet Kester would understand my recollection where Dominic wouldn't.

Maybe what I'm feeling is just, a 'spiritual' kind of loneliness.

Just Another Winter

An imbalance of chemicals in my bloodstream.

Last year, around the same time, the exact same (or very similar) thing.

But this is the harshness and beauty of the winter, or actually, the year's end, an arbitrary cosmological phenomenon with real artificial meaning. I have always known I'm exceptional. In a 'different' from other people kind of way. Part of the reason is an unforced error of instinct - the need to be contrarian, Nietzsche-like.

I have 7 minutes or so before my bus comes for me to move on.
Very dramatic isn't it? In the end though, I've always reverted to my favourite outlet - anger, music, and angry music. But also solemness and morality, because I know I couldn't be myself if I wasn't exceptionally, stubbornly ethical. It's obviously an arrogant thing to say, but I sometimes think other people, the more privileged perhaps, have never actually had to make an ethical decision. Such a decision is never the confluence of other good things, or selfish things and an ethical position. Such a decision only validates itself, 'strengthens' your ethical 'institutions' (throwing some poli sci here where the individual is the state) when they are diametrically opposed. When taking the hit is not what you want or what would benefit you short-term or superficially. But I know that for me, taking it has never been detrimental, nay it is what enriches my soul and have faith in my character.

And no, this isn't lying either, this is what I want. What I want, and have always wanted, is to do the right thing and not be sulky about it. If you are happy, I am happy - or fulfilled.

Time to put on the angry music and go to SPAC, maybe bang the drums.

Freedom

There are so many melodramatic sides to this title.

And I might be typing this prematurely; so I'm going to talk in code for a bit.

It might be obvious anyway.

A whirlwind of recent personal events, and I think they're all ending sober and sombre.

What I've wanted for so long, a while now, was freedom. There are many kinds but the kind I'm looking for right now will seem strange. It is the freedom of spontaneity - the freedom of having good fundamentals that allow you to act out. The insurance of and security of someone else to hold you and the freedom to give back. It's like  the security of having wealth so that you can be charitable without worry. The selfishness that makes selflessness easier.

I'll admit, this is jarring to write, and not be explicit, and maybe I won't even get to that. But I'll let me, and her know I guess, that at least for a while, that was painful, and it was because I guess, the cliché: I let myself be vulnerable.

That was the reason I was coughing so much, Chris.

Which I don't regret. But experience will give me the freedom to be angry and to empathize with people.

And I wish I had the freedom to be who I am right now, and the freedom to be like during DM, or during Agneska's party for a short while; the general freedom I feel now just being in this country - that when I go back I have the security of a few friends who might think I haven't changed or couldn't care if you did.

It sucks to lose it so quickly, but... c'est la vie, and at least I have the comfort of music.

Red Fingernails

I'm typing this with red fingernails. Like painted ones.

What is the meaning of always initiating first? Is it routine, or is it obligation?
I just came back from Rocky Horror Picture Show, a marvelous cult classic. I wish more freshmen had shown up. I also am pretty disappointed a party that happens every week (I mean sure this is Halloween, but there's the next few days) was preferred over this. And I know part of it is of course, peer pressure.

I think perhaps this is where my greatest annoyance comes from - dependency. It's not pretty, I know I have a strong support base and that I cannot live on my own, I know that I'm also affected by F.O.M.O, etc. Yet I cannot shake the feeling that I am more independent than many others. It could be true, given my age, my foreign-ness. But it can get lonely.

I know now that sometimes I feel this urge to deceive - because I want a deeper connection - and that it's unhealthy and I yet I've been excusing myself by saying I'm adapting. It's true that I am, but also that urge means that sometimes I've gone too far and I will eventually bear the consequences. I'm driven by this strong impetus to connect people, and be friends with everyone, and to show people that everyone is complex by being an example. My second deepest annoyance, (or first) - assumptions others make about others.

Other things - I think I've somewhat given up trying to convince people by contest. Maybe some wisdom is telling me Tolstoy was right, people can't be convinced.

My hair's still wait and the clothes are in the dryer, but it's so late.

I need to whip out my camera again.

Singapore

I have not thought this much of home in a while.
Or at least not in this pseudo-dramatic fashion.

The Apprentice was a really good film. (Not to be confused with the shitshow literally by Donald Trump) Throughout the film I was thinking about Junfeng's choices, and I was thinking about home. I recognized it all. And in the end the most feel-good films are about recognition, of tropes, of symbols, of people.

I recognized my and all my friends' and families' HDB flats. I recognized the buses and MRTs, the people, the language, the food, the sights and sounds. I don't know where to begin.

To begin on feelings of being foreign here, to begin on how Singaporean am I really, to begin on my perceptions of other Singaporeans here, Singaporean-ness in general, the whole shebang reminding me of when I questioned my otherness to other AEP students probably only to realize the irony of it.

I can't blog without digressing. And honestly I should be working, as always.
The intimacy and closeness I felt with the genuinely Singaporean character of this film, past race, language, or religion truly, was not lost on me. Some combination of pride, nostalgia, duty, entrapment even. I have always been genuinely optimistic about the weakness of cultural barriers at a certain socioeconomic level (and I am fully aware of my privilege here) but unwilling to give up this individuality that I know is the last step of true assimilation here. Because I love my country, I love it's music, food, people and vibes. I love my neighbourhood and my family and friends. I love all these things despite.

Quintessentially my personal, superficial human problem I've always had is loneliness in a romantic sense. But I recognize that my ambitions and principles don't align very nicely at all. In a sense, if I were to think about a serious relationship I would be asking my partner to firstly stay in Singapore (which is fine if they're Singaporean) but also if I were to join the foreign service... a huge burden and sacrifice that I'm unwilling to place on my partner for pure feelings of egalitarianism. I cannot ask my spouse to do the stereotypical 'sacrifice for husband's career' nonsense because I genuinely want to be part of the progress of gender equality, but also because my character is not to ask for someone's favour.

That was a difficult point to make not least because I'm basically revealing a serious intention that can come off as too strong should a future partner read it. But I guess that's what I signed up for following a principle of honest and open blogging. Obviously things change and people will be mature about it.

This leaves only kind of short-term, for-fun relationships. And I'm not the most sure where I stand on that. Probably ok with it. Credits to Maria and Agneska for helping me to re-evaluate all of these things.

And then there's my otherness. There are certain habits that I do not shake, and attitudes I have not shed. Thankfully this fraternity, genuinely open as it is, gave me space to be myself for the most part. But I do think about it. I've come to realize that somehow, I'm not just different than locals, but different from Singaporeans in a significant way. It's a little lonely sometimes that in my effort to essentially not fit, and be middle of so many things, I'm probably just kind of an aside for most people. But I risked it, I chose to constantly push my comfort zone.

This has all been a long time coming, and I still can write more. Let's go on for a bit.

I miss ISRC and old groups of friends. But I also love being in this fraternity for its essential qualities. I wish it didn't have to be this way at all yet know why it is. I know that many things live in some fantasy optimistic land and this is how I learn - in compromise. My ex-roommate has always brilliantly put things that my current roommate has not yet talked to me about.

I feel it deeply, I'm more like non-frat people than frat people yet because I chose, my agency makes me a frat person. Does that make sense? I've always thought choice in the end, was what mattered most: not your inclinations, upbringing, some pseudo-psycho-determinism. But I know that if I did live at Jess/Agneska's place I would be more comfortable, but the insatiable hunger would remain.

Maybe it all boils down to this: I'm here on a clock and so I never feared to try because it would essentially reset. I'm here as an observer and participant, and in the end my blog is my true space and true self. I regret only somewhat that I did not choose the path more traveled, and I think in my dying days I will have more inner vitality than if I concentrated solely on academics and things I knew.

Thank you Ben for the instant laksa (which I'm eating now because I guess you could say it's a good first occasion), and thank you for your time if you're just a random reader.

The second sex

I guess I didn't have the heart to start my homework till I've recorded some of the passion I have for this stupidity.

The thing with women is,

they are smart, stupid, dedicated, lazy, creative, dull, deep, superficial, strong, weak, independent, needy, skilled, mediocre, funny, lame, adaptable, inflexible, loyal, flaky, disciplined, turbulent.
They are varied in character and aptitude, they are full human beings, and so don't tell me about locker room banter or apparently 'alpha male boasting'. This is not 'natural' for boys (it's not unnatural either, mind you). If you don't mean what you say, why are you saying it?

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Painted my door for 10 hours instead of doing homework.
Retiring before starting my career apparently.

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Lately been unable to pen down my thoughts even though they are important, mostly about how I've changed, or 'reacted'? I wish I had the time to make more people smile. I wish I was as clear as a person, but deep in my guts is a gene built for refusal.

It was strange that Dom thought I was hard to read... then again I guess I haven't exactly heard people saying I'm easy to read(?)

Hierarchical and Institutional Power

The title was just the answer which I never got to say in class today.

In truth I wanted to blog yesterday immediately after seeing Mel again in a while. It was really nice catching up with her and frankly just nice to have a long 1-1 conversation with another person again. I brought this up with Steele just now, another reason why they are important to me. It's because I can really bring out the person, their unique character, I can know them, for their strengths, flaws and aspirations, I can experience the fullness of their being. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too dramatic in spirit for my own good (probably). This is what separates me from 'the typical Singaporean', or maybe not, because I don't truly know what goes on in other people's minds. I just know there is a deviance that is apparent in Karen and Yi Hai, and Tze Yang... there is depth I can feel.

I wasn't sure what to make of it honestly, we both know it was a little awkward avoiding the rootbeer keg in the lounge kind of - that we have some history, however brief. Wasn't sure if I would have liked it to have been mentioned, maybe closure, or no. I still like her, but I know somehow it won't work, not really. Given some different circumstance, or some later time, who knows. Or you know, maybe she doesn't really care about that anymore, which could certainly be the case. But I have so much respect for how mature she is, and how the relationship was.

I've aged a lot since then... I don't know if I'll fit it in anymore, going back. It tires me to think about how all the friends I've made here will be gone... it tires me to think about how much of a prick I used to be. It really is just tiring to be alone. Yet the ugliness of it, I've also become more aware of - that I'm selfish, that I'm picky and that I'm not as ready to give up my individuality and freedom as much as I used to think. In the end, so many things are ephemeral.... I just thought about how I didn't give Daniel my blog, even though I wanted to once. Am I just looking for permanence in age?

C'était un bien jour

J'admis j'ai pris beaucoup de verres. Je n'ai pas beaucoup de temp. Aujourd'hui, c'était un bien jour. J'ai fait quelque nouveaux amis et j'ai fait quelque 'meilleurs' amis... Le fait est que pendant notre vie, il y aura des jours comme aujourd'hui - spontané, mais les mieux de nos vies. La vie quotidienne! Mais j'ai peur que je suis la seule personne qui peut se sentir ça. J'ai peur comme tout le monde, que on est seulement la personne qui comprend l'importance de 'maintenant'.
Mes cheveux est encore mouillés. Mais je suis très fatigué.

I wish for so much. And I know not much.

几岁了？

I was asked this by Derrick in the frat, jokingly of course. But I guess we all know jokes are meant just a little how we might instinctively feel, be it prejudiced or not.

Somethings come with age, but people deceive themselves into thinking that everybody follows their path in maturity, another loaded term. There are as many paths as there are many people. And while I won't call you childish, or immature for believing that there is such a thing as maturity or not, or that you should necessarily stop watching cartoons and playing video games past a certain age.

Ok that was way over dramatic, as he might rightly point out. It was just a jest after all...
I guess in your smugness you've failed to see I don't necessarily need to compare myself to everyone around me to 'see how I'm doing in the maturity scale'. You just do your own thing, and be at peace with yourself at last.

Nikolai and Andrei

I included Nikolai (Andrei's dad) because I wanted to talk about mine, before it's a little too late.

So my dad's lung cancer has relapsed, and we're at the 'prolonging his life' stage. How do I feel about this? How am I expected to feel about this? The same thoughts always plague me when I contemplate impending death in the family. My parent's were never shy about it; c'est la vie, was their philosophy. I remember my dad joking during funeral rites even heheh...

~

"Obviously trying to entertain a guest with whom he now found nothing in common." Page 438 War and Peace. Sometimes too real Tolstoy. Too real bruh.

~

I intended to write about me identifying a lot with Andrei as a person, but I think I actually need to devote time to reading it now rather than blogging...

~

#82 My Dad
Is a simple man in the simplest sense.
Some might call him lazy, lacking will, maybe my mom would.
But I am the son of both my parents, and I understand him more than perhaps even my mom could.
Simple does not mean stupid. It means content, few wants perhaps.
It's somewhat hedonistic, yet isn't hubris-tic.
He works as a civil servant, a humble profession that he does with diligence (I think).
And he is someone who will surprise you with his intelligence because he does not seek to flaunt.
Humility tempers his measured words of deep thought and he has a treasure of experience one might not expect from a Singaporean-Chinese man born before independence. He is as much a man of his time as LKY is, the Singaporeans who punch above their weight.
The truth is, I have never probed his mind deep enough to know these things, but I feel it as a son does. I feel it when I ask him about Prince or Credence Clearwater Revival, and he can tell me all about his favourite songs and artists back in the day. I feel it when he matches me in chess and scrabble, at first always winning, and eventually always losing in tiredness and falling asleep after games. I feel it in his excitement over the great local cuisine at $4, and his annoyance at wearing expensive suits and attending black ties... I feel it. I love you dad. And I wish we had more time together.

Keys

public class Dictionary {
    public class DCell {
         int key;
         DCell next;
         DCell prev;
    }
}

~

I'm not sure which bothers me more, losing a very expensive suit-jacket, or less expensive but more meaningful (to me) set of keys. All I can say is that it was my fault, but perhaps I expected more kindness and help? I always tell myself to give the most and expect the least, but perhaps I've touched a limit to stoicism here. I have lost some faith in humanity, for real. And I've taken on so much personal sacrifice... I don't know. I'm out of breath here. Sometimes you just really really wonder, and get frustrated, is it worse for other people? Really? Or at least amongst your peers?

I mean, I just spent $30 on ubers, and 2 hours of my midterm studying time to make a police report that might amount to basically nothing but cold, sarcastic stares and remarks from a random police officer whom I can empathize with frankly (he's probably had a shitty day or has had to deal with shitty people in his life). I don't know what I was expecting, maybe Batman-esque, crime novel, miraculous case solving. Now I have to deal with perhaps not getting anything back.

~

Not in the mood right now. Sorry Agneska. I'm not as strong, nor wealthy, for that matter.

~

The truth is, I'm dealing with more than 1 issue right now.

~

Sometimes I wonder if people pity or judge me - why are you being so cold? Why are you being low energy right now? Does this guy even want to talk to me? I'm not sure how to respond. You caught me at a bad moment pal.

~

I know I have a vengeful spirit. It comes when you feel powerless (both the lack of, or just less powerful). It is unhealthy, I know! Would you not be trapped in such a mental state too given my circumstances? Maybe not, then kudos to your genes and upbringing. Maybe I wasn't so fortunate, but I keep trying. I'll always fight.

~

What is it about me that I need to change?

~

I want to acknowledge more great talks, with Pumai and Marcus, and Yams.

Missed

This post is for the missed chances. If there is such a thing.

~

I talked with my roommate again. I enjoy his musings and quiet, contemplative company, and wish I could reciprocate in mandarin. He is a good friend and gentle soul. If I could, I would give him more time and more hugs.

We talked about Robert Frost's road less traveled, or at least I did. With Pumai back then too. I was trying to explain that people misinterpret the poem as some inspiration to be 'daring' or an 'outlier'. The truth is that I was mistaken as much as everyone else. The poem was conceived as almost ironical - Frost was demonstrating our minds tendencies to fantasize and obsess over missed opportunities at what not. They are unchangeable and contingent, we move on a whim.

~

Although I feel... dissatisfied as a whole (I am not complaining) I loved talking to Alex on our way to World Market and back, stopping for coffee (duh). Sometimes she would stare into space, and I'm honestly left a little lost - am I boring? Or too uncomfortable in silence still? Regardless, I tend to 'over-find' meaning in simple excursions like that. Over-eager melancholy perhaps. And once again I failed to stop myself from sharing too much of my thoughts. I lust for knowledge and connection.

~

Yet another HTHT, this time with Shanshan. She's very thoughtful and sweet/charming. And actually hilarious. Hanging out with Singaporeans have always left me feeling warmer and steadier. "But...but, they're girls!" was the honest to god, simple answer that I needed.

~

I was looking through my blog statistics when I realized to my dismay I ignored YY's comment in an earlier post. I supposedly pride myself a little in taking care to address everyone and yet I failed to see that...fuck. What a missed chance at good conversation if she doesn't reply... I still remember going with YY to the museum and having delicious honey latte nearby, and her blog is always a joy. If only there were more time for that. If only I was paying attention instead of wallowing in self-doubt at the time.

~

#83 Samurai Jack
Another cartoon reminder.
Samurai Jack is perhaps my favourite cartoon of all time. Even before Naruto and his dramatic 'overcoming' of everything, Jack was quietly, stoically overcoming. I identify strongly with those moments of solitude and hidden strength, his wondrous adventures meeting strangers that would become friends, that he would serve unquestionably and nobly. I was taught, for better or for worse, by cartoons like Samurai Jack. Artfully silent and beautifully unique, Jack was alone in a messy and foreign world, and he felt real in his struggle to hold on to his beliefs and fortitude. The villain Aku, being part comic relief, served as a nihilistic reminder to me, that we can laugh over drama too, and yet those values we hold are still important. The show was never finished, and even that is symbolic. The cartoon will be missed.