Relook

When I (re-)started this blog, I made the title as such because it's purpose was as such: As an outlet for raging hormones and emotions. To get some inspiration for writing my college essay (sadly), I went to re-look at some random old posts. I talked differently then. And about different things. What changed? I don't know. I was a lot less apathetic. I talked with more enthusiasm, energy and happiness it would seem.

I have a natural ability to imitate others. It has won a fair share of popularity at least for a talent that can bring about smiles. But sometimes I feel I do it instinctively, out of my control. And it's those times when I kind of wonder who I really am, an amalgamation of other people's personality? Doesn't that kind of, stink? Is this why I prefer to be so Indie all the time? Am I asking too many questions and instead should drink some coffee and get on with my college essay?! Eesh. Perhaps this MC is not just for physical well-being but my mental/psychological one as well.

Windy

The MO really went all out into getting me cured... on anti-bios now. But he can't cure everything.
Just read this article in TIME about the emotional vulnerability of... boys, because as compared to girls, they don't express their feelings easily. In fact, 81% of suicide cases between 10-24 are guys.

Sat at home finishing the game Flower.

Windy
Windy landscapes
Breezing through fields of violets and blues
Starry night skies
Above this meadow of so many hues

Hearing nothing
But that soft piano tune
Seeing it all below you
In the sky in a lone hot air balloon

Far away from the cities
Stepping out into the light of the moon,
I never want to leave...
Not now, not so soon.

Notes on notes

Somehow can't edit properly the text on the previous post (notes) nor this one (using HTML instead). There are 3 poems meant to be separate. Follow, Under the Oak and Feelings and Thoughts... Lately I've found a need to write, post and blog again proper. I realized I always wrote on a few topics... of travels in a dreamy place, a crush or just stuff like this, a little tailored like Yams'. Wish I had more experience and more time. Am already writing this using valuable time. The title 'notes' is a ref to the medium I write on nowadays, on my phone rather than a notebook that I used to write on.

Notes

Follow

Losing steam, while i was ahead

Which track was i meant for?

Someone gave me a map

But i had no compass

Veered left and veered right,

Followed the winds then dug my own tunnels. 

I want to be like him, and him and him.

No, be yourself they told me.

Tell that to a crook, a villain

Is wrong inherent? Or wait like wine, sweeter with age?

Under the oak

I sat and pondered

Silent i soaked

time i squandered

Under the ash 

I dreamed and wondered

Thought i was rash

Really a coward

Was afraid of choosing and losing

Was afraid of commitment to something i couldnt see the end to

Nagging in my head

Procrastinate and hate

Lying on my bed 

The cold bites again

And again and again

Left it to my will

Like a child succumbed

Realized now, forgetting later

Wrong

Knowing but uncontrolling

Left nothing but distaste

Bitter and lingering

Was it the sickness or the medicine?

Which is better - to live or to enjoy a wasted living

Sought refuge in crevices

Fooled only myself

Shadows don't disappear in the dark

They engulf wholly instead

Get out of my head

Never ending feelings against thoughts

Bad days are to be expected.

And good ones are just a bonus.

Shit happens. Life's basically a game, where all the shit in life is thrown at you, and good moments are to be enjoyed not as norms but as the bonus levels which you shouldn't expect and won't affect your game play adversely even if you fail to maximize getting points in them.

Recently adopted this philosophy. As well as lowering the amount of fucks I give. Some people say that you should let yourself 'feel' cause it's a human thing, that, even though you leave yourself vulnerable to the sadness and depression, you will also full enjoy the rich and wonderful experiences. Well screw that, I'm just going to take the rich and wonderful and forget/ignore the stupid ones eh? Hasn't been proven yet but going along nicely. Nobody said you're in a bad state, you're lonely, depressed, sad, etc. CEPT YOURSELF. Come on man, only people who look for drama will find it in life. If not, it's all perspective.

'Course, I guess this doesn't apply to those who really are in deep shit. But its a general rule of thumb for all the whiners and idiots who keep asking me how come my grades improve so much. Cause I didn't give a shit about anything much else during the holidays.

Now, I've fallen sick. KK forget it, big deal right? Many people do. Just try to get well and get back on track after. Thinking about how far behind I'll be when I recover is just going to be a waste of brain cells.

Oh its friday the 13th. SO? Don't give me that shit about bad luck. Bad luck is subjective.

Time Flu Away

Sick ranting post?
Maybe.
Should be doing work?
Maybe.
Mom shouting at younger brother again not helping my sickness?
Maybe.

This flu reminds me strongly of my 4-month long sec 4 flu.
The same stupid mistakes... forgetting to bring medicine to school, accidently (or carelessly) taking in apparently harmless food, late hours, no rest, stubbornness to give up responsibility, relenting to some form of strenuous activity... And its another important year.

But its different isn't it.

Could blame my parents for falling sick (I mean, come on, my mother doesn't even exercise) at the same time, and after holding it out for a week, they finally gave it to me after a particularly tiring PE running 2.4. Could curse and swear for being somewhat irreplaceable, having a busy exco or otherwise, not finishing my holiday homework in Italy. I mean... its so difficult right? Doctors tell you to stay home. Even teachers do, but do they really understand what skipping a day of school means? Heck, a day of doing absolutely nothing? While the rest of the 'competition' speed ahead? And its not like I recover in 1 day. How could you forsake responsibility when it is most crucial? How can one decide between activities he promised he'd do? So many frustrations, worrying, all that jazz. Its just so sickening to be sick, can't eat this and that, drinking 10 tons of water, mind unfocused, having to sneeze and blow and spit your way through 2 hours in the toilet...

But its different isn't it.

The Holy Spirit is in me.
And that's all that matters folks :)

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The picture that came second yesterday to the one on my tumblr photo of the day.

No rest for the weary

For all the juniors who are worried that RI life is stressful and you won't be able to compete...
Yes. It is. But judge me not by the number of setbacks and losses, but by the strength and will to continue as a Rafflesian :D So maybe its not RI trying to throw you off and put you down. Its RI trying to make you stronger, how many schools and parents have the will to do that? ONLY SPARTANS.

So my RI life begins proper after the dust has settled. No choir. No council. Nothing left but tenacity.

Issues at feet hand:
Project Work
Chinese standard
Basic dialect
Numerous test
Kicking start Raffles Photog life
Recover from flu (AGAIN? :O)

Stuff I want to do given the time (unlikely):
Haunt the RJ library and read Men in White and some other books that I chanced upon the other day
Start writing cards for birthdays, etc.
Attend several events such as RSB concert on the 12th, VS Choir results on the 13th, RI (JC) fight against NJ in Table Tennis on the 21st, 30th april busking at Orchard (various friends), etc etc
Replay The Witcher: Enhanced Edition, 3 times (zomg ==) cause the saved games for the three main choices have been lost, and the Witcher 2 uses them. (Pre-order it!!)

No rest for the weary.

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Forgot all about this vid! Witness my noob sleighing skills. Haiz... good times in Switzerland. Escapism... is just magic you know. Edit: Video upload failed == So here's a picture of something spastic I found in Switzerland.

Quote of the Day

I cannot take it. Nothing can help me

At this stage, I think people in my position would consider suicide. I have. But I'll never. Because its stupid. Ending your life before you use it. 'The purpose of life is a life of purpose.' I don't care about my suffering if I'm able to make a contribution to society.

I just want to scream right now.

My circumstance. Cannot be coincidence. But I have no right to believe it is supernatural either. The logic, is just, fundamentally not there. I'm a mostly pro-scientific method, agnostic guy. It pains me even. I'm confused, yet I'm not.

I cannot take it. Yet, I will. Because that has always been me. Basically, living, perhaps optimistic that things will turn around. Perhaps naively optimistic.

I have always dealt with bad luck. I use the word luck, because I believed it in before, back when somehow, circumstances were always against me, in a card game or competition. And maybe I'm starting to believe it again. But that would be wrong. Fuck this. And its times like this, that people tend towards looking at supernatural answers. But I shan't go in to that. Firstly cause I'm bot looking for any religious debate. I definitely can't take it now. And secondly, because it is reasonable to believe that this attitude of victimizing myself is just giving arrogant me excuses, which I detest. There is never any point in complaining, nor being unproductive and unsure of anything.

Why all this depressing talk...?

I "chose" to get some stomach infection right when council campaigning starts. I thought if I could just power through, it'll be alright, I'll suffer, no one else would, nor would my outcome to council, just maybe physical pain. But I've instead become a burden. To my campaign mates, I have brought terrible cost in terms of time and concentration, up till the point today where I really couldn't handle it without posting. The critical factor that made me do so was because I realized, I had every power to meet a certain deadline yesterday, or at least a little late, or even at least tell my teammates there was such a deadline (because the powerpoint was so quick I cannot blame them for missing a few important points, I also missed many). But because I was so blur, deadened, weakened not just by sleep, but by my illness, which entails poor nutrition and hence concentration...

I sound like, I'm just blaming the stomach infection. But fuck it when can I do? And it doesn't matter does it? It happened, I didn't handle it well, I punished my teammate's council chances. And there is always the nagging feeling. I could have avoided this infection for so many reasons. Like maybe I should have taken care by Wednesday after that PE lesson where I was abnormally weak already, or Thursday when I got a fever, or forcing myself to eat properly on Friday and Saturday...

And guess what, it isn't just council. I have systematically left out all my homework. Being super goody-two-shoes. It is one of the most devastating things I can experience. I've shown how weak I am. I've shown how lousy I am. I have shown myself, how lousy I am.

Nothing can help me. Because it happened. I will continue living. I cannot change the past. I can only let it affect my future.

Limit

Do you realize it's oft a string of events that lead to a person's downfall? Similarly, it's always a string of events that lead to me getting sick.

I look set to reach my limit. Should remain ill tomorrow, not only am I missing an entire Friday, the longest day of the week (with the most number of lessons), I'm also missing a council nominee's meeting, vital to my entry, and if the fever persists till Saturday. I'll miss a CIP project with Benedict, my cousin's birthday party, the choir fund-raising concert for Japan, and in a way, Earth Hour.

If I fell ill anytime earlier, I would have only missed 3 lectures (Wednesday). The rest of the day, I didn't have a single piece of homework. Today? Tons.

I'm really suffering here.

The worst part that when you look back at all the things you could have done to stop yourself falling ill, you hate yourself even more.

It's already so late. I hope the others understand.

Yay!

Yay! Finally managed to actually achieve SOMETHING in RI. Thought it was impossible.

Firstly, I got through to both Governance & Civics Engagement Program and the Ecological Literature Program, sadly, I could only pick one D:

So I picked the former, because, well, I think its more worth it. If I want eco lit, its quite possible for me to learn more online, even go to Ubin/MacRitchie myself, whereas being an assigned to an MP, going for meet-the-people's session, well, that's quite the rare opportunity.

And another yay! I won 2nd in the IHC (Inter-house competition) photography competition for MORRISON-RICHARDSON <--- that's my house!!! It isn't all that great and prestigious, but at least I did SOMETHING. FYI, it was the fish picture haha! Theme was Vigour.

Don't know if I'm suppose say though, cause I received it by e-mail, so nobody in the school except maybe me and house directorates, judges know.

But but but...

STUPID LEG GOT INJURED. Can't do anything now D: I hate missing PE leh, seriously. OH WELLZ, just got to do my best recover. This is the first time I've got an injury like this, so I really have no idea what to do leh. Should I take the painkillers/anti-inflammatory medicine my doctor gave me? Should I wear the knee guard? blehz. Need an expert.

And all this while, council is still plaguing my mind. If I don't get in, I think you might expect even more emo-ness than the post-choir period (which is still on)

Living life to the fullest

Jia Lok talked to me on the train yesterday and unlocked my final insecurity in a way.

He talked about how Palm was inspired by himself, and how he himself haven't been living up to that motto, 'living life to the fullest'.

So no more. Yes I'm a wimp! But it doesn't mean I can't have fun! So now I have an extremely painful finger, bruised thighs, fond and fun memories, an aggravating flu, salty hair, and closer OG mates =)

Now for this irritating flu to go away. I mean, everyday it stays the same, I really don't know how to recover without anti-biotic. When it does, I can start my new life of constant exercise around my new condo! (Actually 25 year old condo but who's counting?)

But Anti-Biotic makes you weaker, which I hate... so how? Don't know. Sleep and eat and see what happens I guess.

Haiya sigh... wish I could spend more time with awesome OG.

Time to go all out and gain back that Beginner's Mind, try new things when the opportunity comes, and living life to the fullest!

Wish RJC more enthu about cheering like VS. But I guess there's still a lot of people who are not really in yet, so I will wait =)

Vibrant Koi

A blog is what it is!

Hey people.

Lately there's been a few posts with a lot of angst. But that's just it. Its a blog I guess. And its where you pour your feelings into.

Like my favourite song's lyrics go: "Just freak out let it go."

So yeah, just freaking out and letting all the emotions go here. Everyone experiences emotions. I'm just making sure I don't offend others by dumping all the negative ones here you know?

So don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Because I have this blog. An online diary if you will.

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Wooo 'O' level over so can post these pics! Err right? I'll start with one to make sure. Marcus confirm with me please lol.

Metallic Waterfront

Invisible

Being sick and missing it all.

In secondary 1 I was sick during camp and couldn't do shit. All curled up and stupid in the bunker. Clueless, left out. It was pathetic. No one talked to me, and everybody had good laughs together and a good time. To some extent, it kept me away from them and helped me concentrate in class perhaps. But it was terribly lonely and utmost forlorn.

Now I missed the second day of school which was probably the first time my class properly bonded... Haiz. Don't tell me I'm going to be that left out guy again... I hate this. Why? Why do I always get sick at this sort of crucial period? I guess I have to count myself lucky now that there's 4 VS guys in my class.

Lucky she isn't in the same class.

Destroyed

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK FUUUUUUUCKKKKKK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK THIS LA.

EVERY FUCKING DAY. I get some hope I'll recover. Then the fucking next morning I have to spend close to an hour churning out all my fucking infected phlegm which is fucking hardcore green. And the fucking problem is that I don't stay fucking 5 mins from school anymore.

Just the previous day the DM was talking about being late and WHAT THE FUCK I was going to being fucking late the next day. SO FUCK LA I'M NOT GOING SCHOOL.

SOME MORE CHOIR AND COUNCIL TRIALS ARE COMING AND I'M FUCKING HAVING THE SAME 4 MONTHS SICKNESS.

Don't fucking tell me everyone has it the same. I'm fucking weak and no strength one don't you know? When I get sick I fucking fall to pieces. Had to take so much anti-biotic it could kill an old lady. And does everyone fucking fall sick just before school starts ALL THE FUCKING TIME? FUCK FUCK FUCK.

JUST LIKE THAT AND I'M FUCKING BEHIND BY 1 LECTURE for econs and chem...

Why didn't I get sick during the holidays? Maybe it really is the sudden stress.

OK sorry... I'm just fucking confused right now. I have no idea what I'm going to do to get over this.

I just hate it when I lag. When I know other people are ahead. It just kills me. Because then its an unfair playing field. And in RI... But I know my OGLs sacrificed a ton of lectures for us also... so I can't be like this.

But yet I shouldn't be lagging. I guess its my fault for getting sick, but why? I didn't do anything that got me sick. It just fucking happened. I fucking hate idling. But I have no notes (were suppose get them today), no experience in JC syllabus, nothing.

And my parents... now I know how it feels to have parents who really are just busy all the time. My fathers overseas and my mum is always busy. I'm left on my own. Probably why I have a blog. But I don't think anyone has a clue what to do except tell me to rest and recover. Since I know no one who experiences this.

And fuck this but my brain is constantly wishing 'someone' is more concerned for me then others. But I know she isn't. Yesterday she just DAOed my limbs off, and the problem with that is I don't know if it was an accident or on purpose. OK maybe it wasn't on purpose but whatever I can't be doing this all the time. So to hell with it.

I don't think I can fucking play touch rugby on friday liao...

There are so many fucking vulgarities in this post I may have missed censoring some. Dam it, if the school found my blog I definitely will lose a lot of chances in council, etc.

I have zero motivation. I have zero solutions. And I've lost so much hope in doctors who give medicine that somehow don't work as fast anymore. I know its because I'm older. Don't have to tell me twice. I know all of it. But I still can't handle it.

Its time like this people turn to prayer. But I can't. I don't believe and I don't want to give myself false hope. If it doesn't work, it'll make it worse. If it does, I won't be grateful enough to my doctor.

I just need someone to tell me what to do. Give me some advice. But who?? Darn it. Need me father. Asking my mother always makes me feel worse. Asking my dad makes things clearer.

Impaired

When you're sick all the time, you can't get on with life...

... I am incredibly weary right now. Wanted to jog/swim and pump today. Wanted to play Rock Band today, wanted to drink some coffee today. Can't do anything but read, which I am extremely glad for since I just got MM Lee's new book.

During the four months was the worse. Everyday I lay in bed, thinking if tomorrow I'll get better. Missing 16 weeks of playing badminton and other sports just stoning. Do you know how sad I felt? I am not one to hate sports just cause I really suck at it. No, PE is the perfect time to play without judgement anyway.

Can't eat my favourite food and beverages. Can't concentrate during tests. Can't exert yourself. Have to keep sleeping. Have to keep blowing my brains nose out. Drinking water also painful.

And you don't know how long more you have to persevere. Some days it gets better, some days worse, setting you back to square one. Taking anti-biotic for so long, making you even weaker.

All this, knowing that all your other classmates are having fun, getting smarter, getting fitter, while you just lay in bed, getting weaker, getting dumber, sulking and reflecting. Sometimes the jealousy is the most painful.

And now RI may just look at me and say I was that sickly guy...

FUCK LA


I hope the RI teachers are as forgiving and kind as VS teachers... Missing VS like hell that way.

Pardon this mediocre and awfully overused scene, I'm sick OK?! The basics are there at least. Rule of Thirds, Contrast, Harmony, Balance, Rhythm, Depth, you get the point.

Frail and Insecure

Darn genes make me so sickly!

...

I'm so weak I actually have a label on this blog called 'sick'.

This year, I got the same bloody sickness again, the flu/tonsilitis bug...

How is it possible that in secondary 1 I got it before I went for Sec one Orientation camp, than in sec 2 again late year? THEN again during one of the choir camps? Then again! At the start of secondary four, for four whole freaking months!!!!

I'M FREAKING SICK AND TIRED OF TAKING THIS CRAP.

Can't blame genes though, I could have eaten more once I knew I was one of those really skinny types. Then all the exercise wouldn't be wasted.

OH WELL.

I guess its time to start now.

Its so weird right? That in a boy's school looks and muscle doesn't matter as much as in a co-ed environment, somehow you just feel more paiseh.

Haiz. And I know deep inside all this is just to please somebody... screwed up head of mine.

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Random: I think the Canto version of Gong Xi Fa Cai, which is Gong Hei Fa'at Choy is much cooler to speak out.

Robert Frost & Tumblr/facebook post/status-like omnibus

The Road Not Taken


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;


Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


In secondary two I did this poem for Literature.


I didn't mention it in a previous post concerning 'Who moved my cheese?' and Ratatouille, but this is another piece of greatness that influenced me.

I like taking the road less travelled, because maybe its attention seeking, but I don't like to stand with the crowd and conform. I prefer to choose my own way, and usually I try the path less taken. The popular interpretation of this poem is what I mean. A poem dedicated to the courage of non-conformism. Haha I just realized the irony that the 'popular' interpretation is 'non-conformism' which is pretty much the opposite.

Try the new experience because you never know. And the different stories you can tell your friends because you chose differently. Never regretting, because you know you've tried and know how it feels now.

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The steamboat last night gave me a mild fever. Damn it!! I cannot be sick on the first day of school!

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Reading MM Lee's new book right now. Started from the part about his private life cause I thought it would be less interesting but I found it to still be a decent read. Moving on to the political part soon, which should definitely be juicier.

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I am starting to get really anxious about school.  I know the pressure is on me to perform being in RI, and I've always told everyone you can power through just as long as you 持之以恒。可是，我知道我的华语还是很差。。。我也知道，如果华语成绩不好，我可能不可以去外国留学。

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I just got Beatles: Rock Band as a present for my entry into Raffles! And I know it can only be as fun playing with others, so come on over please!


Hold me! *Clap Clap* Love me! *Clap Clap*!

Wow. Most amount of flaming I've ever seen

Woah! Have any of you seen the amount of flaming and argument in here?
Click the link I put below, and read through some of the 'this comment has been flagged as spammed'
Notable flamers here:

Alkbjaopeir
somuchsolittleful
ContemplateYourLife
elearis1
berriwine

I'd just like to warn you its not for the faint hearted, for I too felt a tinge of hatred after reading certain comments. Then again, I laughed out loud at others. Howvever, I'll try to remain as neutral as possible because people are entitled to their own opinion for all I care.

The video I'm talking about

I just want to put in perspective here, that I don't think almost any arguement here can be credible concerning individuals because this is cyberspace. People don't know each other. They don't see each other in real life. The only evidence they have are the comments they have put up. Which is why it is very difficult to make sound arguments.

They don't have the context.

That's why we study history is it not? Like Mr Khoo said, we don't go into an exam blind.
No one knows what the others been through in reality. Thats why we need to be understanding and respectful. Its not as cut and dry as some SBQs like Harry Truman speaking about communism.

This is a bit of an add-on to that previous post on the 911 conspiracy. I mean, I see people who act 'enlightened' when they have just closed their mind. I believe that not all sources are reliable just because they go against convention, in fact, that's totally wrong. They are only reliable when they go against their OWN convention, for instance, if a person blames himself.

I think I'm starting to beat around the bush, maybe you should just read some of the comments and tell me what you think? If anyone actually reads my blog haha.

Logical Fallacy

I know its a logical fallacy to simply place blame on just the medicine I took, but really I'm just saying its the critical factor.

Cumulative factor: hot and dry weather

Contributory factor: Kopi Tarik yesterday which was full of condensed milk

Once again everything's my fault. How could I let this happen. People keep telling me mental strain or whatever, you know, I'm not that hard a mugger seriously. Half the time I'm playing. The other half is doing 10 year series. Most of my knowledge and prowess of a subject comes from listening and understanding, not so much revising.

SCARED

Sorry 4D but I'm really angry right now.

I don't know why I keep listening to my mother, and when I prove her wrong, she doesn't give a damn. Yet everything the same situation happens she always tries the same approach.

Drying medicine

How did I get sick again? Dry and hot weather.

Right, so why am I taking drying medicine?

Cause the phlegm will form into lumps and get washed down easier than liquid form.

But its an infection, you can't wash that down, it'll get worse.

ARGH WHY DIDN'T I JUST NOT TAKE IT. ITS TOTALLY MY FAULT.

I WOKE UP WITH A FUCKING NOSEBLEED AND WORSE INFECTION.

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TAKE THE O LEVELS WHEN ITS THE SAME BLOODY INFECTION THAT GOT ME SICK FOR 3 MONTHS....

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT