Writing is easy

 "Writing is easy. All you got to do is cross out the wrong words." - Mark Twain

I started writing a short book a few months ago, and it has been really fun. Like, more addictive than playing video games, if you can believe it. It's probably not good, but it almost, doesn't matter? At least this time. I just wanted to have written. Perhaps the one good idea I will ever have, if it is even good. It's funny. It actually is a lot like the feeling of blogging. Like I'm saying something to the universe in the chance that someone will read it and find something. In this case, I hope they would be entertained. I wonder if there is some deep desire within me to be seen and heard, unconditionally. It feels very narcissistic, if I'm honest. But somehow, because I know it's probably going to be bad and nobody will read it, it becomes not narcissistic. I'm thankful that my older brother tried this too, I sometimes think he has a sense of freedom and agency that I lack at times. Or not even lack, just, self-conditioned, self-censored, like somehow my restraints protect me. All personalities, maladjustments, traumas, if you really want, learned behaviors, positive or negative, serve a purpose, as Dr. K says. I almost have to take how fun it is seriously, as I have begun to write even in transit or during mealtimes.

“The whole ‘What is me?’ thing, you know, how much of it is just training and repetition and am I just doing it to please my parents? But then, you know, I decided that actually, that’s all just a big f*cking cop out. Because if I can ask myself the question, then I can answer it for myself.” - John Stewart in Lanterns. I liked it!

Liminal and Untethered

There are things I wished worked out a different way or in a different time, but I've arrived at the airport too early or maybe too late, and now you wait there neither here nor there. I wake up these mornings with my head racing randomly but interspersed with lucid questions of my identity and career especially, the two intertwined though often people tell you not to let that happen. There are so many crashing waves of contradictions, and the noise is being amplified by how much caffeine I'm drinking all the time now. I need to let it be, breath and just see and accept things as they are. My anxiousness, imposter syndrome, fear, need to be felt out from the past and understood for what they compel me to do. Would I be okay with the worst? Is that a good question?

I've gotten married! I love her very much and dream of growing old with her. Now comes the easy and hard parts of living. Many things resurfaced this week as I saw old faces and relived old fears and wants. I wish for someone sometimes that I could invoke to talk deeply with, but hear about theirs too. There is a level of understandable superficialness in the material reality of adult lives that can be tiring, and I understand why people seek spirituality better perhaps. Let it be. You are not a loser (from little miss sunshine). 

Just tired

I'm just tired. My brain is mush. Like thoughts and feelings flowing through with no rhyme or reason and it's hard for me to grasp. Perhaps a feeling of being overwhelmed, constantly rushing or feeling urgency. Some of it is made up, klishta and caffeine don't mix. I just want to be carried away, in soundless sleep, like during the liminal space of Christmas to New Year's. I want peace and quiet, but it's awkward and guilty, I wish someone understood and gave me a signal of whether it's normal. I feel the ruthlessness of tedium and everyday. I want to keep promises but the only thing I can sacrifice is my time and energy and attention. I'm addicted to this spiral of negativity but all I receive is awkward looks of helplessness and I get that. I want to watch a movie of struggle for a role model, is that sickening?

I wish she would understand her own American-ness, but how can I fault someone for being their own nationality in ignorance? It is like asking how they know the words they know go together. Or perhaps it is from my own narrow view and lack of sample size that I project stereotypes. But that makes it worse if there is no reason, just idiosyncrasy. How can I carry on with my choices if I'm in it alone? Sometimes there are so many small things, paper cuts, that it seems her preferences are far away. Sometimes it feels like we trend further and further away, and our history is looked back with new and darker lenses rather rose tinted. 

Change is the Only Constant II

"You're not a loser. You know what a loser is? A real loser is somebody that's so afraid of not winning, they don't even try." A quote from Little Miss Sunshine, which I have never watched.

I'm home early from work. Many of my coworkers did the same. Our manager is going on maternity leave, but also, quite suddenly, leaving the company. Many saw her as the primary reason for staying. To me it is another good person who has left, while I have not. I am afraid. I have always been afraid. I have been afraid of too much.

"You put your hat in the ring at a time of great uncertainty. I sincerely respect that." A quote from a colleague, whom I respect greatly for being who they are. 

I was afraid when I "put my hat in the ring", but at least not afraid enough to do it in the first place. I felt compelled, and I recognize it was an emotional "fuck it" decision, even though at the same time, somebody put the idea to me as "why not" once before, so I did consider it before. I can still be afraid, but I should stop thinking I'm a loser. I should stop thinking that others must say it for me to feel it. I should stop feeling like confidence is arrogance and shameful. I should learn to take Ls and live life. This is water. I should stop letting imperfect conditions be excuses. I should stop being afraid of judgement. I should stop being afraid of responsibility. Maybe the reason I don't take charge without explicitly being called to do it is because then I can blame others for the choice, but even when you are being asked to take charge, you should take the blame anyway. It is not fair, it is right.

I cannot shake the feeling that others are not telling the truth out of polite-ness, but I recognize that thinking this way is a form of bias too. Some of it comes from this idea of a "compliment sandwich", which at this point I believe it counter-productive, in a Goodhart's law kind of way. Since everybody knows about it, or at the minimum the more people know it, the less authentic the whole sandwich seems, because you wonder if the template is being filled out in a forced manner. One cannot boil down good and bad things always into neat slices of 2 to 1. But still, if the only "truth" I seek or believe are negative, that's all I will ever "hear" or accept.

Have some work to get back to. I'll think and process more later.

Heaven and Hell

I remember distinctly seeing a Buddhist depiction of heaven and hell in samsara. The idea being that nothing is final, you just go through cycles of heaven, earth, and hell. Escaping the cycle of suffering is the goal, i.e. achieving nirvana, and realizing you are in that cycle. It struck me as an interesting ancient metaphor that basically you go through life, and the high pleasant, pleasurable, happy moments are what sets you up to go back down to earth and into hell as well.

I feel... bad, like lonely? Helpless? Left out, not being told what's going on, on purpose? Ostracized, maybe that's the word, like I cannot shake the feeling that people are talking behind my back, negatively, because I've seen that done to others, and it hurts. I think logically, this may or may not be happening, but the feeling is really strong, and I only see signs when the feeling is strong. This is mostly coming from the a work communications problem on one particular project, that has become a lightning rod of my negativity at work and everything wrong that is going on with it. I want so badly to fix it, but I'm not sure if people will let me, and I'm not even sure what needs fixing. And of course it's all predicated on assumptions, as if I'm seeking the negative validation. Like if someone told me "you're right we were ignoring you and trying to get you off the project this whole time", somehow this would be better for closure reasons, even though it may be that there is nothing wrong and there is only a couple of original sins of miscommunication. I wish there was someone to hear me out on this. 

I saw a Dr K video that suggested that people who double down when things are bad, which is me often, is not a good thing when it comes to toxic situations you honestly should just get out of. I'm not sure if I'm in this scenario right now, but I feel like I need to see this through, and the only way it's not painful is if I show how good I can be, but that ... feels wrong too, like all I'm seeking is some personal validation... I wonder if it's something I just need to work on, a symptom of people pleasing. I can't please everyone, sometimes, and sometimes it's even people you like... Maybe I have not accepted that. And maybe I have not accepted that sometimes it really isn't you. They're going through something, or perhaps some actions you take, that seem so insignificant to you, are just perceived in a much more significant way by others.

Another video I watched was about klishta, the "coloring" of what we perceive, based on inner thoughts, which mean that we do not perceive reality. I think it's really helpful to just have the word for it, even though I know it to be true even without watching that video.

The things I must give up and or accept, in order to get through what is ultimately, perhaps in many years, not a big deal, and not to learn the wrong things.

1. I may not be promoted, perhaps for a long time, and that is OK. 

2. It may not even be fair or just, and that is also OK.

3. Others may judge you, poorly, and their approval is not in your control, and you may exhaust too much in trying to get it. This also does not mean they are bad or wrong.

4. People may not be communicative, and sometimes that is that, there is no need to add or assume ill intent

5. It is somewhat mid-west/American culture to be nice/polite, e.g. doing compliment sandwiches, and this does not mean you should overcompensate by immediately assuming people are lying, sometimes, maybe even most of the time, they are genuine, and the saying of the thing makes it genuine

6. You should do you best, not to please others, but because you value doing your best.

I want a good cry, and I want a good friend.

Epilogue

I was bummed today. It was a little tougher than usual. But I think I did healthy things, sharing politely with my colleagues. I think Jon sets good examples. I'm lucky to have had good, male, role models like that. It's hard for me to tell how people react to me. I think it's true, and a bit tragic, that men come off as weaker to women when sharing their emotions. I think it's something people don't mean to do but can't help. Christelle does her best I think, but she is not good at emotional conversations where I think I need empathy rather than intellectualizing and solutions, which she tends toward. I think she told me once this was because of some biological and historical reasons. It is strange to be in a position as a guy where it's quite possible I'm more in touch with my feelings than the woman in the relationship, as you're not likely to find much advice on this. The best I can hope for is she does not see me worse for that.

I'm thinking of writing a book, inspired by my brother. I plan to keep in the habit of reading too, just to exercise that muscle and hope some of it rubs off, though I don't expect to write anything good, I hope to do it with an honest effort. That's how I feel will leave me satisfied for trying. Maybe I should write more frequently, read YY's blog more frequently. It's not going to be the tone of my book (which I think should be more Hitchhikers' guide), but maybe there's a way to have that personable quality while writing in 3rd person.

I've been on my team for a long time. It's starting to feel like an epilogue, past even the earlier feeling of being Spongebob after he re-inherited the Krusty Krab after inventing Krabby Patties (and taking stewardship of the place despite not having any of the original hustle and bustle). But it's not based in reality, it's a trick of the mind - the team does not exist on some linear timeline and neither do I. Who knows in a few months how things turn out. I know at some point I will leave though, and I wonder if after some perceived stability of marriage occurs, that will be the time.

I can only be honest. I don't have it in me to play games, or pretend as hard. It is hard for me. I'm stubborn and loyal, and stupidly so at times. People admire what they see as transparency, but it also can be debilitating or too quick of a draw being off the cuff and winging it at every step. I don't hide my expressions much these days. My coworkers joke that I only do macro-expressions. I like it when people find me entertaining or funny, and I think I've gotten better and not taking it to a people-pleasing level of it.

I don't understand "I've been working on myself", I feel like perhaps there is some consciousness or intention to it, but aren't people always implicitly trying to improve or optimize in some regard? Is it specific to just introspection or some self-defined ideal personality or attitude?

It's actually cool, that people have "moved on" from tumblr, blogs, it almost feels like, it went back to being a quiet and peaceful corner, even though that may not be practically true. For some malicious user could take advantage of much more powerful tools these days to uncover people's personal writing.

I wonder what the science says on journaling versus sharing with someone. I sense some overlapping feeling, but it's not the same no?

I've chilled out a lot internally. I wonder if this manifests or can be detected externally, as in do I seem less anxious these days? 

I miss home, I've been away for so long the nostalgia has festered into something addictive.

Half of a Yellow Sun

Meant to post this a few months ago but I guess I didn't hit publish.

I just finished reading a very good book by an author I've heard much about but hadn't read anything by. I should warn you that it's bleak (but not in a cold way) and is ultimately a war story (which btw, I didn't know, so it became more engaging in a way). I would liken the feeling to watching Graveyard of the fireflies. 

I'm ultimately shocked by how engaging it was, but I'm not sure how much is in the writing and just my current mood of disengagement with reality, but I wanted to write about the latter today (also should mention I had a bit of urgency to get through the book to not waste my library loan for another that's expiring). Though the book is set in a much different time, it feels weirdly understandable or relatable. The character writing is obviously very good, but again it might be me, reaching a little, in a selfish and privileged way. But this isn't the oppression olympics, it just is maybe. I wonder if maybe it's my own self-judgement, that makes me feel like "first-world problems" are unreal and that only "objectively bad" situations like war and famine are justified. I read once that people on the spectrum enjoy anime precisely because of this exaggeration of real emotions that allows them to feel it. I wonder if it is the same phenomena. 

These days, my malaise feels chosen. It feels petulant, like I'm waiting for somebody to "give me my just rewards" before I relent and feel happiness. It also feels like the real lesson is for me to wait for it, and for that patience to dissolve and in anger realize this is entirely self-inflicted, for believing in some sort of justice or due for doing things nobody asks for. I liked that one of the managers, a wise, mild-mannered, and affable person usually, pushed back quite strongly on me saying I was people pleasing in a half-joking way. I appreciated that he wanted me to take it seriously, and not feed the ironic vanity that came from declaring my people-pleasing attitude in a half-joking way - an act of self-pity.

  

Childish Energy

I was looking for a word or way to describe how I felt today. Me and my co-worker have been using "vengeful", but today I think it went a bit further than that, and it was layered with other things. I decided it would bring me comfort to write them out instead, as Mr Chow whispers it to Angkor Wat at the end of In the Mood for Love.

The feeling reminds me of the story of an Italian man doing a semi-Forrest Gump after having an argument with his wife and walking 450 km (and semi-funnily/cynically, getting fined for breaching a Coronavirus curfew). I don't know exactly how he must have felt, but I would think he was filled with the sort of energy or feelings that I had today.

I also thought of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, a movie I haven't actually seen, but as I understand it is just some kid who skips class and decides to take an adventure around Chicago. He might have been motivated by more childish feelings, but in a way I was also motivated by that too.

It made me think of how disgraceful being "childish" is seen, and yet petulance, being a "hater", being fueled by spite and pettiness, is, when I think about it, one of the purest forms of motivation in a time when it seems like people often lose steam, burn-out, lose will, etc. I liked that in Inside Out, anger was shown in some scenes to be a fueling force behind taking action, for me, this is childish energy.

Ye, I was feeling "childish" today - I worked late the past 2 weeks, and while I think they were useful and "necessary" perhaps - it was not satisfying. A coincidence that the evening after the work was presented, I read a reddit post asking what things are over-romanticized, and the literal top post was over-working. It went something like "nobody's going to clap for you, you'll just get another email". I didn't feel like I was supported well, or listened to, or seen, in the process, perhaps.

Opening the mini-Zen garden also made me consider whether I was falling victim to a common male pattern of externalizing my problems and resolving them that way too. I do a healthy amount of escapism through games and media, and today I went more "extra" by "reclaiming" the 16 hours I lost doing unpaid overtime essentially. I had left the office an hour earlier than usual last week and today I went a bit further by A. not drinking any caffeine - as I decided to do my no coffee day on a work day where I knew what I had to accomplish was more brainless, B. leaving early to go see a movie and C. not related to work per se but about externalizing my issues - getting some ice cream - I might add, the same flavor that me and Chris had gotten a few days ago, but she conveniently ate all of it even though I thought we were sharing it. I suppose this reminded me most of the Italian man who decided to be extra instead of confronting their partner - I'm just that tired maybe, or more true for me, don't like burdening others with an emotional binge of sorts - it's neither helpful nor healthy for anybody.

Slight tangent - I've come to appreciate Worst Person in the World a bit more, in that the film does portray someone I actually do not have much sympathy for/I actively despite, since I value loyalty and consequently hate infidelity - but I suppose the film would not have worked if they chose something only lukewarm and not an actual unpopular opinion. In a way I also do petulant, unsavory, childish things - my life is great, but dumb, sometimes 1st world problems or injustice convinces me that you know what, sometimes nobody is going to look out for you, and that I should not be entitled and expect it in the first place - you have some power to just quietly look out for yourself.

So that was me today, just self-caring a little because nobody else was, and that's OK. I went and saw Superman, and I cried a little at different parts of the movie. I've always thought Superman was a boring character, but this movie has convinced me otherwise. People are saying it's because the director Gunn understands the character, and I think they're right. I think that his vision and understanding of the character, as well as the actor who plays him - felt earnest and got to me in a corny way. In an interview he did with BBC1's Ali Plumb - David Corenswet talks about what defines his understanding of the character, and he says that Superman is contradictory - his upbringing and life is actually great in a lot of ways, and he doesn't have the tragic backstory (or at least, the destruction of Krypton is not the same as seeing your parents murdered in "crime alley"), but he is lonely. He's still an alien, who feels human, and chooses to walk and live amongst us as Clark too, but sometimes is reminded he is an alien by others, but he earnestly wants to be good, and kind, and protect others because he does see the good in everyone (which in the DCAU this role is more taken by the Flash perhaps). Watch the interview, he states it more eloquently than I. Or as the movie puts it as well, in a corny way no doubt, and almost embracing it - maybe it (kindness, and seeing the best in others) is punk rock. 

The show also reminded me that aside from petulance, the "childish energy" I have, which motivates a lot of what I do personally, even if I think and opine differently at the level of society or country, is very "childish". I try my best not to break the simplest of rules in a lawful good kind of way, and I find myself thinking and admiring still the "shonen" type heroes like Naruto, and ye, this version of Superman too. I think something really has been lost with all the intellectual nuance and "well this and that complicates this".  We often think of these simple values as perhaps "missing the point/reality of the situation", making excuses of pragmatism or "but how will people see this/take it" - and I am 200% guilty of falling into this trap of mistaking complication for intellect/experience. I certainly think the US's Democratic Party has lost the plot through the opposite - political-sciencing their message - test audiencing/making things palatable and messaging, has become the prime focus instead of the message and content itself - just put yourself out there, with an honest re-telling of what you're about and you're focus, and let those things come later, and letting the voters discern and choose. 

But I digress, so ends this short day, time to patch the temple with mud.

I looked at the boat on my blog

And wondered why I feel something for it. I wondered if I really liked that kind of idyllic lifestyle, when often I don't feel enthused to do similar activities right now. Then I came to realize it's the setting that enables the lifestyle I want - being able to literally sit on a boat for a few hours with no consequences or responsibilities after. I might just be that tired on no-caffeine-days after having to return to work for 5 days a week and continuing to do most of the weekend chores and finally working on my final language of the 6 UN languages (العربية). Often I feel better after having ate - so maybe these are the beginnings of the dreaded sugar-ed up American diet. Speaking of which, I sometimes feel trapped by my situation - in some sense by who I've decided to love and where I've decided to make a living. But because I've decided I cannot be trapped. Anyway, the country is pretty fucked, always has been but more so now, and not directionally so too, it seems. Let's just eat and stop being hangry/hungemotional. 

Feeling fast and slow

I move slow and steady, but I feel like a waterfall. I move slow and steady, past the ones that I used to know.

I decided to stay here for Thanksgiving, having declined and offer to join Chris in NC with her family and (new) extended family. I'm glad I did, I was very tired and didn't have the energy I think to first of all socialize, but second of all adapt culturally to a family that is 3 degrees of separation away from me. I'm not sure, visualizing myself in that space, if I could stomach the loneliness, ironically, more than being alone.

I was annoyed this morning because I thought about using my phone since I was pretty productive past 3 weeks and Chris woke up and immediately told me using my phone in bed is bad and that she just learnt that. I was annoyed because we literally talked about this before, me sharing Dr K's insights about the subject, and it seems like she either forgot, doesn't care to remember, or didn't listen. Not the first time, and very frustrating. Maybe sometimes I should just ask her what we just talked about like yesterday to see if she's listening. That's toxic though, but I also am feeling pretty helpless, as if I'm talking to a bot that only responds in the moment and with a lot in platitudes, a bit like Jacob maybe. I suppose my mind is implicitly comparing to other people to whom A. don't live with me and maybe it's easier to remember rarer interactions, B. are smarter, as in my colleagues, and C. I am not as emotionally invested in if they don't listen. I was frustrated too at myself of course, because in some ways I consider it a bit of a weakness to give in to cravings too easily, and I judge Chris for it a lot. In a way it's like hearing a smoker tell you not to smoke, but in that scenario the smoker 100% knows the are addicted to smoking, and in this scenario Chris always has an excuse for her own habits, then later regrets not being productive as if they were not correlated. Question is should I care? I do it automatically, but should I dis-associate from that outcome?

I sometimes reflect that a lot of my instinctual reactions for better or worse are still tied to saving face, imposter syndrome, or the metaphorical inside-out 2 "anxiety" in my head.

Now perhaps on to processing the main impetus. There is great churn in my workplace. Most meaningfully two of my longest running managers whom have been really great and that I've built rapport with.  I'm blessed I'm still there and that my staying team members trusts and values me still. I look back with a lot of nostalgia and confusion. There was a certain level of startup-intimacy in the team, but the team is much larger than 2 pizzas now. I feel a lot of things. Like a turtle and everyone else are hares. Like a sailor on the ship of Theseus. Like the youngest and the oldest. Like a foreigner in a foreign land to which I still do not embrace outside of practicality. I've thought much also about the role models in my life and why I now go about life the way that I do, including the larger and life figures of fiction and non-fiction. I feel tired of being annoyed. Let the uncertainty come, I'll handle it.

I gave some thought to why I like Singlish. I am sure to some extent this is true of other native languages and accents too, except I cannot imagine it for Americans except for certain (minority group) vernacular. I can only describe it through feeling and characteristics. It's a feeling of authenticity. When Singaporeans complain, or use slang, it makes even corny messages feel sincere. Or maybe it's because I feel the opposite with other kinds of English. There's a certain amount of camaraderie, maybe from not being in Singapore together that is already shared the moment you speak it outside of Singapore. But it's almost as if, I were allowed to say things plainly and straight-forwardly, or maybe it's the special end-phrase intonation/signifiers that add "word emojis" to each sentence, something that modern internet memes have caught up to, to some degree.

Real tired

As opposed to imaginary tired. I'm taking a page out of Dr. K's book to emotionally regulate by typing it out. As a creature of habit, I've no more youth to handle too much unexpected challenges without validation or help.

Ended up scrolling through the SF whatsapp chat - really interesting, somewhat amusing seeing people discuss race, with a pseudo-generational divide. It's interesting because there are I guess "trigger phrases" - not in a sense of wow you're woke and getting triggered sort of mocking "own the libs" language but more like suspected dog whistles - like older people saying "race is not an issue" (in Singapore). Which is wrong, but also has this "older people say that" kind of wrong? Anyway back to work.

Many things easy, some things hard

 Thoughts to think:

1. Work

Things have changed, slowly, as always. People have come and gone and or are going. I remain, but I also change. It's hard to have a barometer without comparison, I always compare. Daniel Kahneman says that's just how we translate things into good or bad, by comparison, sort of. I think, I believe I am happy, and that I'm the tortoise in the hare and the tortoise, except there is no race, really. I'm happy the hare took a nap, if they were tired and wanted to. There was no need to win, I don't know what the prize is, carrots?

2. Communication

Difficult and awkward and frustrating. Supposed to be hard, I understand. Harder when different culture. Harder when you feel like you can see it and have to translate for them. Probably true, and probably my responsibility, as the immigrant. But what if I'm tired, what if I want to learn new things, have people translate for me? I feel restless, like I want to "get on with it". I don't like repeating, I feel like repeating is doing things that've been done (duh), and it's like, a waste of time? But I know in my head, that's how things are - attention waxes and wanes, and things are hard to comprehend or know. Ironically, this is what I've failed to do myself - comprehend, know, accept, that it takes time. Dr. K said something basic, somewhat contradictory, but I reflected on it to understand. He said that most people start in anger - or I guess, that they feel like they have to communicate now! urgently! importantly! while feeling the feelings! But our mind is wonderful because it forgets - the feelings pass, and you will get over it (well, first world problems that is) - by all means, communicate to not get taken advantage of, set your boundaries. But you don't need to do it in the moment, if the moment is aggregated. I shut down when I'm over-burdened, like an over-clocked CPU.

3. Quiet

I have some quiet now. I also have some quiet in the bus. How to tell people I want some quiet without hurting their feelings? Without risking miscomprehension? I re-read the last post I made - I felt like I wanted to just be in a library. How healthy is it to be alone in your thoughts? Maybe it is sort of meditative - I have many thoughts, so I have to face them, talk (blog) through them, and then I can let my mind be bored and empty but satisfied. This has been hard to communicate to Chris, I am afraid I will be the person who tells her I am not interested in things she's really interested in, and I feel (but I don't know!) that she's disappointed, or takes it badly, when I do say I'd like to do something else or be somewhere else, or just do my own thing. But it is not healthy to be pent up and to stew for too long. But I am also uncertain if this feeling will last, or I just need a few good hours. Perhaps that's what I need to communicate - I would like to be alone or quiet for a couple of hours, that's all. I do not want to talk or listen right now, it's tiring to be tuned externally all the time. I think next movie I'll watch is perfect days.

4. Singapore

I took a break before writing this part. Longer break than intended. Told myself I would have to address this sooner or later. Singapore has taken on nostalgic qualities. I haven't lived there in so long. All memories are like this, I know rationally. But it's addictive to think about it, to pretend like I'm forever an alien pining for home. It's unhealthy, and probably an avoidance of my responsibilities here, which are overwhelming. It reminds me sometimes of Martian Manhunter as represented in the justice league animated series. A stoic guardian who had lost his home, and only after a long time decides to look for happiness in his new one.

I just finished reading my brothers' book, it's pretty good, I think, for a first time "writer" (nobody really is, since we all write essays and stories in school, I guess). Maybe I'm biased, there's sort of a confounding variable here - on one hand I do believe that writing something personal is always apparent, and it was expressed here. On the other I am also personally involved, and may have been moved by it and failed to see amateurish mistakes. Regardless, it's not the only book I'm reading at the moment with references to my home.

I'm also reading a Singaporean short stories book Chris got at Littered with Books. Ironically this fulfils my reading challenge book salad criteria and not the cat book I bought, which I will read later. Anyway, it's a lot. Like emotionally a lot. I feel both like I understand everything and yet I have so much I don't know. I feel many things about this. I am ashamed of my mandarin, lack of dialect, no malay either. Though slowly I of course lose even my singlish accent probably. This is of course my choice. Living here I mean, I'm just, reminiscing and wishing. I wish people could understand me and how I feel. But so far I merely feel unheard or never get to the point of taking deeply. It's probably the first time I've felt so far and homesick. Maybe because in college, there was a thought that I would move back, that my identity was clearly Singaporean since everybody asks me about it all the time. It was the clear defining factor, as we all hold on to some and project onto others. Now it is not so clear. It is also not so clear that Chris wants to be in Singapore, which I understand. I'm at peace with it, kind of. It sort of comes and goes I suppose. As in past lives though, it's the one piece that she cannot ever understand - or is that the fallacy being shown in past lives? No, I think it was a tragedy, the grieving of the past life. Grief is a big part of the theme in my brothers' book, and also these short stories actually. I'm grateful for the sprinkling of humorous tales, but a majority are about things lost - there's a lot of ghost stories to this effect too. I feel like even at a meta-level, I understand why the stories are being written. Intellectually, I can do so for American stories too, but my heart and soul do not necessarily follow as closely. Ironically, I feel frustrated in my privilege. As if I want the pain of the empathy for all humans! No, I close off, as a safety measure. It's enough to think about Singapore's pains and longings. I'm reluctant to engage emotionally, because I am a frightened and selfish child, who wants empathy too. Ironic that I cannot pay the price myself.

Or maybe I'm just tired, and people pleasing, and not able to communicate effectively, or want to be taken care of, or to be understood easily, or all of the above. I remember talking to Jacob, my new director, sort of unabashedly, in my typical candid way talking about how much I miss Singapore after going back. But then I play the tape all the way through , and it's the same, and there is no magic that my nostalgia promised. It just is, things are, that is. Maybe what I want and need to communicate for is just the peace and quiet to think and blog and take the bus silently and not be constantly dealing, partially self-imposed. I want to travel somewhere quiet, just to read the signs, to not have to talk about it except when I want to, later. To sit on the bus and see the hilly landscape that makes the land of a thousand hills. 

Tired

 A few weeks of hectic work, culminating in a lost weekend before a long one.

I gave up, decided to abandon the plan. Nobody seems to be following mine anyway. Communication hard, feel lonely as a result. Prefer speak less word like office gag. Hard for people understand me, seems to be happening much more than usual, wish did not have to learn to communicate better for others. Miss Singaporeans. Miss Victorians. Is it not rose-tinted nostalgia for simpler times? Miss book, kind of need a new one, maybe non-fiction. Burnt out, probably, but usually recover after a few weeks of "vengeful" slacking and me-time. Hard to find me-time, hard to say no, feel like people will misunderstand, but maybe because I misunderstand and project. Want to be outside, but quiet, and things I like. Mostly want to travel, but quietly, almost. Like visiting a global library, with some limited, but courteous attempts at learning the language of others'. Maybe need recognition, for effort, but effort silent. Want to nap, but still have work. Am tired, boss.

Feels like people paying attention to different things, and I'm left paying attention to things alone, maybe pay too much attention. Then people question when did not take responsibility. How liddat? I want to curse, in Singlish though. Like when I do US taxes or Visa things, burden.

Learned a meditation from Dr. K for sleeping. Ends in bed feeling that you have a right to sleep and be comfortable. I've always had that in my head, in different things. IEHAC is comfy, all SG music is, I guess. I've also had this image of Fern (adventure time), "dying", of him disintegrating and flowing away as grass in the wind. It's comforting hearing the sound in my head, it reminds me of breaks in the army out in the field.

Sometimes I just want quiet, but I don't know how to ask for it, and not seem angry or needy. But that may just be self-fulfilling. 

No Coffee

I'm not sure if I've ever talked about this on my blog before. I must have, even though the habit, the routine, became much more solidified recently then in the past when my blog was more active.

I enjoy many things less without coffee and I think by definition that makes me dependent. Part of why I do no coffee days is to make sure I continue to exercise that disciplinary muscle of continuing to function without coffee, and also find things I enjoy doing without it. I've neglected the latter and for a time simply dumped all my chores onto the no coffee day since they don't require all that much brain power and being caffeinated doesn't help with them at best, and at worst makes me do them impatiently and haphazardly. In theory. In practice I do function slightly better even doing menial chores. Though part of it is also that there build up some amount of fatigue over the week that is pushed entirely to no coffee day as a result. Today as I truly reflected on my frustrations I realized it's simply not good. The source was that I was "running out of coffee time" to play Age of Empires since I don' play or even feel like playing games on no coffee day - if today had been no coffee day it would have been great tbh. It probably started with the expectation inertia to drink coffee for board game day at Joe's which ended up not happening, then that transitioning into a close to 8 hour day outside going to and fro and spending time at a mall deep in the suburbs. I guess it really should be a rule of thumbt hat I tell Chris I expect to be home by 6 or something in the future and that I should not be afraid to set my gaming recreation time more concretely.

I've also recently thought more about the energy I spend passively. Deviations from routine, negative emotions - I'm not sure if it's the same kind of energy, but I probably spend some energy redirecting my efforts, replanning my day, or getting over emotions without processing them later as Dr K might put it. But how do you process? If I think about it, I feel like I already know the ways I've done it before - blogging. For one. "Solo" adventures - another. I remember distinctly once in command school, where I cleaned the bathroom and listened to Paramore, doing nothing else while others spent their free night's out, well - out. That's another then (and probably more than the bathroom) - the music. The same, good old stuff. Maybe there's research on this, but I've basically locked in some of the music I always turn back to, nostalgia wise. I'm not sure if more will ever be added. Maybe, in a different way. Maybe it's harking back to times and emotions that become less and less frequent. Dr. K too, I think, is how I process - maybe that's why it's relaxing to hear him, but also dangerously engrossing if I do it at work, I guess. 

Other things. I'm thinking about my inner voices. No, not some psycho shit. I just mean how does your inner voice sound like and does it change? Mine does, I think, to some degree. If it were a transformer model for language, almost like a hidden layer of meaning separate from attention, long context, the word itself, etc. It's like long-tone or something, Some of it today is Grubby or Dr. K-like in language. I'm reminded of how I sound blogging here. In Singapore, sometimes, I would feel ashamed. Because it sounded like my "elitist" voice - the kind of English I hear and sound absent Singlish, and I was afraid I was a stereotype, that this was really me, and I was ashamed. Am I today? No - in some ways, I think I've accepted it. I've missed stream of conscious-ing. I've missed selfish-ly taking up space, standing on my soapbox about inner-psychology and musing like a teenager who read one book by Nietzsche. 

Cruelty

I decided to reflect today.

I reflect most days, but not write it down. Today I met a stranger who was crying, and asked her if she was alright, but soon realized I was quite unequipped to be of consolation as her friend had passed just then, a long time family friend. Absent of religious platitudes, and having not thought about what I would've liked to hear myself when my father passed, I was not sure what to say, though on reflecting on the bus, I think it would have been wise to offer to keep the passed in my thoughts and remember good things about them. Instead I quite awkwardly talked about how my father had also passed from cancer years ago in a bad situation (covid). Cancer is cruel, and ugly, and meaningless, and I wonder if that honesty would have helped or not too. It is objectively terrible, and that is why people are applauded for fighting against it. There is no consolation despite it.

I want to be able to talk better. My emotional spectrum seems to be comedy or anger, maybe because of the nurture from being a guy.

Aware

 It's a twitch emoji.

I just came out of a few weeks of working late and some weekend time taken away. It was not fun. Now I feel drained and dissatisfied in my leisure time, though part of it I think is the unreliability of being able to play with people I know and like. I stream-of-conscious-ed into writing a byline like at the end of an email, perhaps a sign of how much I got used to work. I recognize that at the moment, I am feeling lonesome, but also "inefficient" with my leisure, but that's coming from I think getting "used to" having very little of it over the past few days + Friday + no coffee tomorrow + looming long flight + missing watching Beef with Chris because she went out + not really knowing when she's coming back - kind of scary sometimes not living in Singapore, I kind of fear for her safety coming back late. I'm fearful too of the future, if we have to be here.

I wonder why I fear long flights, or dread them. Instead of being excited to go back. I suppose part of it is just the jet lag - I don't like how much time just flows through in a fugue, jet lagged state. And this 1 week stint is odd for sure, as soon as I get over the jet lag, I'm probably going to come back and get another round of jet lag. 

I know I fear for her safety, because I'm relieved when she comes back. But that fear comes from imaginary scenarios in my head.

I think I'm getting kind of tired of games when there's no new patch. I should be getting back on my longer-term goals, or just continue the optimizing and settling down of my life in SF, but I always feel like they need to happen during the day, and I'm tired by the end of it. Maybe it's the lack of reward at the end of doing those things.

I think lately I've been "waiting" for energy to come, and somehow have lost the initiative. I get productive days and not productive days, and longer and shorter breaks, and yet mostly I do the same thing, with some increase in pay. I suppose that's kind of too min-max a way of thinking - I'm also building slowly my relationship with Chris, findings new friends in SF, and it's not yet a year (though almost). I feel for some of the folks Dr. K talked to, and can relate to some of their struggles. I like that there is a constant reminder that knowing information is different from understanding something, in your brain, and psyche.

I think I am getting better at being at peace letting go of the time we had a fight of sorts in Florida. Now I guess I have to deal with feeling guilty at times for not spending time with her, however unfortunate the timing. I'm getting way tired now, and going to bed. I hope all is well, that is after all all we can do.

I haven't had time to/inspiration to blog in a while, but I feel a strong feeling for it in specific settings, like late at night, after being alone for  a bit, maybe after doing a lot of work. Maybe I feel like "nobody understands", or a kind of weird meta-awareness of myself whenever it's one of those times. I feel like I need to go to sleep, as a distraction, but also feel a weird sunk cost fallacy of wanting to stay up now to see Chris get home. Idk maybe her phone died, which seems to happen often. 

Where content ends

She finally replied, essentially asking for space. I guess at least I'm not tone deaf to the point that I can't tell. It really reminds me of the time I upset my sister in law. I'm at a loss... I've been known to be callous, and always I've scaled back, but not in a very refined way. This one hurts so much because I know it's my fault, just like all the other times I've hurt other people... And all those other times I took responsibility too, and I really did try to change, but it still eludes me, I go back like a drunk to the bottle. I don't understand people, or I'm narcissistic. I envy other people to which it comes easily, but I'm wondering if it was a trade off somewhere. Maybe they experienced some pain in the same way. I read a reddit post saying people who think they're sociopaths because they lack empathy are actually attention seeking losers, literally after this morning when I posted my thoughts on it. I hope she gives me another chance, but even when she does, I wouldn't know what to do. I'll have to ask and hope she doesn't give me the cold shoulder. I don't know who else to ask, if I'm completely honest. I don't have a close confidant that could help me in this regard, especially. I don't know how to be gentle, or worse, I don't understand why I need to be, naturally. I'm wondering how all the callous comedians get by, or are those simply acts.

I'm wondering too, the irony that sticking to this pseudo-Buddhist mentality has actually done the opposite for me, in that I've lost the ability to introspect because I'm so blissful in the moment at times. Or is it age, that I've gone through the phase of. I really don't know.

Who are my confidants and good friends? I would surely point to my Singaporean friends. Maybe I should talk to them. I'm feeling sick and out of it. I know I love her because it hurts.

Thinking about thinking

I woke up today thinking. It's been a long while, I think. I thought about how I've been being lately, toward Chris especially. I'm not a very empathetic person, and even till now I don't quite get the fine line between platitude and genuineness. Since I was 9 I've asked myself the question in some form or another of whether I'm a literal sociopath. That day, I was watching the news about the Iraq War, and I felt very little about it. I wondered if I was supposed to feel sad or bad about war so far away, truly. And I wondered if people generally feel that way too. Since then I've felt "compelled" by duty and morals to do "good", but often I'm not sure if that's just a pride-based substitute for real emotions. Maybe this is why Amos is such a compelling character to me. I'm scared.

But mostly I woke up thinking because Chris has not replied to a long set of messages yesterday from me that ended in an apology for an issue I was not sure she actually cares about. This has happened several times now and it always makes me anxious. Sometimes she keeps her feelings and thoughts to herself and this scares me. Is it none of my business when it involves me? Is this the age old stereotype that boys are clueless and are simply dumbstruck when things come to fore? Or is it actually in my head blowing things out of proportion? Or even more ironic, is it that acknowledgement of the situation brings about the situation (i.e. drama creates itself)? It goes back to something much fundamental for me. I consider myself very direct and still prefer, very very much, that people be direct. It makes things simple for people like me who have difficulty understanding subtleties and emotions, which apparently loads of people "just get". I've thought rationally about it (maybe my original sin when responding to issues), and in the grand scheme of things we'll work it out and carry on. Though I can't shake the paranoia that it blows up into something terrible...

Maybe I'll continue this later, but I actually need to work... Mid-season final thoughts before I forget. I've grown more  now and I know you can't expect people to be direct if you yourself are selfish and lazy and not do your best to create the conditions that make people feel comfortable being direct. But I've now known a good solution till this day of how to go about doing that. I'm on the verge of tears and maybe I should ask.

Wet

I had a good cry after so long. What broke me was re-watching a video of the final moments of Jurassic Bark and the true story of which it was based on, Hachiko. I cried not just for that but for all the pent up anxiousness and stress I've had for the past few weeks and the reminder that that story brought up. Which is that there is great sadness and suffering in the world that happen in isolation, and yet like Hachiko, people too go on. Maybe good news will come soon. Till then I want to cry in empathy with everyone else.

Dry

Eyes are pretty dried out. I felt the need to blog to get things off my chest (read: rant). I feel extremely lost over issues and feel guilty about it in a kind of cringey white guilt way. I think I have to, in an even more cringey way, resort to stepping away from whatsapp and the like. I'm very tired and just want to be with Christelle. I want my visa issues to be resolved, I want to make sure my apartment is OK, I want to get back to being motivated about learning and my job. I want my family to be happy and my younger brother to trust his instincts and learn to try and fail or disappoint and be his own success. I want people whom I've wronged to know I sincerely tried but apologize nonetheless. I'm not sure what spaces I can be my authentic self except here, sort of.

Here are some 'cultural issues' as Carlin might have put it:
-Our parents are proud their kids go to Harvard, OxBridge etc but then when they come back slightly ostracized because of an accent that for most people they probably have little control over, any ideas they might have are dismissed as Western liberal nonsense, unless of course it follows the dominant discourse that touts pragmatism and free markets
-We are scared of 'AOC-type politics' and warn of the dangers of liberal extremism, marxism, etc; again we call these 'sjw politics', or Westernized thinking, out of touch etc, but then we inherit colonial practices and ideas, neo-liberal economics, all products of the 'West' and are surprised if it brings along any of the consequences and fair criticisms of those ideas that also originate in the West
-We idolize and re-post LKY giving fiery speeches in cheem or poetic, usually Oxbridge British English 'this is not a game of cards!
-We are fine with comparing down 'at least we are not the US', but 'we are in a different situation' when trying to compare up ('scandinavian standard of living')
-We keep saying 'Singapore is small, we must be open to survive', but pick and choose what we are open to - rich tax avoiding foreigners and migrant workers that have low socio-economic and political power, but no 'Western ideas', sjw language, no refugees
-Singapore is actually beholden to shareholders - there are real threats that voting away from the centre-right PAP will cause investor confidence to fall, it's a reality that we seem powerless to or too cowardly to try and confront and change

I have more perhaps, but I've also calmed down for the most part... we just need to talk more.