Processing Emotions

Dr. K put out a video talking about how to process your emotions. It's so funny that I've never heard somebody actually teach me this (or anyone) before, though I understand it's a sort of western (I'd just say more science-y type of approach to life) thing, and many cultures, religions, philosophies simply have a different way of saying it or dealing with the same subject. In any case, I want to give it a go, the basics at least. In the video he says the two basic things you need to do is :1. to let it come up, let it out, but not just in a 'talk about it way', just feel it, and then  2. ask two questions - what is it trying to tell you, and what is it trying to get you to do. The concept behind this is a bit like thinking fast and slow's system 1 and 2 thinking - emotions are an instinctive, intuitive, information - and we want to process them by activating conscious reflection. In doing so, we feel it, consider the lesson, and let it go, rather than keeping it dormant and reprogramming our behavior, as in developing an emotional response habit to situations.

I felt ashamed the in the last week, amongst a mixture of other emotions. I'm not sure how to describe shame, but I guess it told me that I had some expectations upon me, that I knew, and that I did not live up to. My colleagues and Chris have told me I shouldn't feel it in this case but I do. I understand what they mean though, they think that the expectations I'm having are perhaps erroneous. But what are they? I feel like perhaps I do deserve to be promoted, but also that I did not, was not, at my best, and I expect myself to always be at my best (not the same as being perfect, which is not entirely in your control). The shame compels me to "prove myself" back. Repent through doubling down. Funnily, Dr K just had a video on high-functioning depression - which I don't think I have to be clear - and mentions this is a common pattern called "sublimation" - where instead of changing the maybe non-conducive environment, the person doubles down because "they are not a quitter" but it doesn't work long-term, generally speaking people will at some point sink with the ship that's taking on water. The action needs to be on patching the ship, the inflow cannot be negative.

I've ended up talking with people I don't usually talk to today, and so I'm truncating this processing session at just the shame I felt today. Let's see how it goes again, I'm glad to have done it in any case.

Epilogue

I was bummed today. It was a little tougher than usual. But I think I did healthy things, sharing politely with my colleagues. I think Jon sets good examples. I'm lucky to have had good, male, role models like that. It's hard for me to tell how people react to me. I think it's true, and a bit tragic, that men come off as weaker to women when sharing their emotions. I think it's something people don't mean to do but can't help. Christelle does her best I think, but she is not good at emotional conversations where I think I need empathy rather than intellectualizing and solutions, which she tends toward. I think she told me once this was because of some biological and historical reasons. It is strange to be in a position as a guy where it's quite possible I'm more in touch with my feelings than the woman in the relationship, as you're not likely to find much advice on this. The best I can hope for is she does not see me worse for that.

I'm thinking of writing a book, inspired by my brother. I plan to keep in the habit of reading too, just to exercise that muscle and hope some of it rubs off, though I don't expect to write anything good, I hope to do it with an honest effort. That's how I feel will leave me satisfied for trying. Maybe I should write more frequently, read YY's blog more frequently. It's not going to be the tone of my book (which I think should be more Hitchhikers' guide), but maybe there's a way to have that personable quality while writing in 3rd person.

I've been on my team for a long time. It's starting to feel like an epilogue, past even the earlier feeling of being Spongebob after he re-inherited the Krusty Krab after inventing Krabby Patties (and taking stewardship of the place despite not having any of the original hustle and bustle). But it's not based in reality, it's a trick of the mind - the team does not exist on some linear timeline and neither do I. Who knows in a few months how things turn out. I know at some point I will leave though, and I wonder if after some perceived stability of marriage occurs, that will be the time.

I can only be honest. I don't have it in me to play games, or pretend as hard. It is hard for me. I'm stubborn and loyal, and stupidly so at times. People admire what they see as transparency, but it also can be debilitating or too quick of a draw being off the cuff and winging it at every step. I don't hide my expressions much these days. My coworkers joke that I only do macro-expressions. I like it when people find me entertaining or funny, and I think I've gotten better and not taking it to a people-pleasing level of it.

I don't understand "I've been working on myself", I feel like perhaps there is some consciousness or intention to it, but aren't people always implicitly trying to improve or optimize in some regard? Is it specific to just introspection or some self-defined ideal personality or attitude?

It's actually cool, that people have "moved on" from tumblr, blogs, it almost feels like, it went back to being a quiet and peaceful corner, even though that may not be practically true. For some malicious user could take advantage of much more powerful tools these days to uncover people's personal writing.

I wonder what the science says on journaling versus sharing with someone. I sense some overlapping feeling, but it's not the same no?

I've chilled out a lot internally. I wonder if this manifests or can be detected externally, as in do I seem less anxious these days? 

I miss home, I've been away for so long the nostalgia has festered into something addictive.

Half of a Yellow Sun

Meant to post this a few months ago but I guess I didn't hit publish.

I just finished reading a very good book by an author I've heard much about but hadn't read anything by. I should warn you that it's bleak (but not in a cold way) and is ultimately a war story (which btw, I didn't know, so it became more engaging in a way). I would liken the feeling to watching Graveyard of the fireflies. 

I'm ultimately shocked by how engaging it was, but I'm not sure how much is in the writing and just my current mood of disengagement with reality, but I wanted to write about the latter today (also should mention I had a bit of urgency to get through the book to not waste my library loan for another that's expiring). Though the book is set in a much different time, it feels weirdly understandable or relatable. The character writing is obviously very good, but again it might be me, reaching a little, in a selfish and privileged way. But this isn't the oppression olympics, it just is maybe. I wonder if maybe it's my own self-judgement, that makes me feel like "first-world problems" are unreal and that only "objectively bad" situations like war and famine are justified. I read once that people on the spectrum enjoy anime precisely because of this exaggeration of real emotions that allows them to feel it. I wonder if it is the same phenomena. 

These days, my malaise feels chosen. It feels petulant, like I'm waiting for somebody to "give me my just rewards" before I relent and feel happiness. It also feels like the real lesson is for me to wait for it, and for that patience to dissolve and in anger realize this is entirely self-inflicted, for believing in some sort of justice or due for doing things nobody asks for. I liked that one of the managers, a wise, mild-mannered, and affable person usually, pushed back quite strongly on me saying I was people pleasing in a half-joking way. I appreciated that he wanted me to take it seriously, and not feed the ironic vanity that came from declaring my people-pleasing attitude in a half-joking way - an act of self-pity.