Change is the Only Constant II

"You're not a loser. You know what a loser is? A real loser is somebody that's so afraid of not winning, they don't even try." A quote from Little Miss Sunshine, which I have never watched.

I'm home early from work. Many of my coworkers did the same. Our manager is going on maternity leave, but also, quite suddenly, leaving the company. Many saw her as the primary reason for staying. To me it is another good person who has left, while I have not. I am afraid. I have always been afraid. I have been afraid of too much.

"You put your hat in the ring at a time of great uncertainty. I sincerely respect that." A quote from a colleague, whom I respect greatly for being who they are. 

I was afraid when I "put my hat in the ring", but at least not afraid enough to do it in the first place. I felt compelled, and I recognize it was an emotional "fuck it" decision, even though at the same time, somebody put the idea to me as "why not" once before, so I did consider it before. I can still be afraid, but I should stop thinking I'm a loser. I should stop thinking that others must say it for me to feel it. I should stop feeling like confidence is arrogance and shameful. I should learn to take Ls and live life. This is water. I should stop letting imperfect conditions be excuses. I should stop being afraid of judgement. I should stop being afraid of responsibility. Maybe the reason I don't take charge without explicitly being called to do it is because then I can blame others for the choice, but even when you are being asked to take charge, you should take the blame anyway. It is not fair, it is right.

I cannot shake the feeling that others are not telling the truth out of polite-ness, but I recognize that thinking this way is a form of bias too. Some of it comes from this idea of a "compliment sandwich", which at this point I believe it counter-productive, in a Goodhart's law kind of way. Since everybody knows about it, or at the minimum the more people know it, the less authentic the whole sandwich seems, because you wonder if the template is being filled out in a forced manner. One cannot boil down good and bad things always into neat slices of 2 to 1. But still, if the only "truth" I seek or believe are negative, that's all I will ever "hear" or accept.

Have some work to get back to. I'll think and process more later.

Heaven and Hell

I remember distinctly seeing a Buddhist depiction of heaven and hell in samsara. The idea being that nothing is final, you just go through cycles of heaven, earth, and hell. Escaping the cycle of suffering is the goal, i.e. achieving nirvana, and realizing you are in that cycle. It struck me as an interesting ancient metaphor that basically you go through life, and the high pleasant, pleasurable, happy moments are what sets you up to go back down to earth and into hell as well.

I feel... bad, like lonely? Helpless? Left out, not being told what's going on, on purpose? Ostracized, maybe that's the word, like I cannot shake the feeling that people are talking behind my back, negatively, because I've seen that done to others, and it hurts. I think logically, this may or may not be happening, but the feeling is really strong, and I only see signs when the feeling is strong. This is mostly coming from the a work communications problem on one particular project, that has become a lightning rod of my negativity at work and everything wrong that is going on with it. I want so badly to fix it, but I'm not sure if people will let me, and I'm not even sure what needs fixing. And of course it's all predicated on assumptions, as if I'm seeking the negative validation. Like if someone told me "you're right we were ignoring you and trying to get you off the project this whole time", somehow this would be better for closure reasons, even though it may be that there is nothing wrong and there is only a couple of original sins of miscommunication. I wish there was someone to hear me out on this. 

I saw a Dr K video that suggested that people who double down when things are bad, which is me often, is not a good thing when it comes to toxic situations you honestly should just get out of. I'm not sure if I'm in this scenario right now, but I feel like I need to see this through, and the only way it's not painful is if I show how good I can be, but that ... feels wrong too, like all I'm seeking is some personal validation... I wonder if it's something I just need to work on, a symptom of people pleasing. I can't please everyone, sometimes, and sometimes it's even people you like... Maybe I have not accepted that. And maybe I have not accepted that sometimes it really isn't you. They're going through something, or perhaps some actions you take, that seem so insignificant to you, are just perceived in a much more significant way by others.

Another video I watched was about klishta, the "coloring" of what we perceive, based on inner thoughts, which mean that we do not perceive reality. I think it's really helpful to just have the word for it, even though I know it to be true even without watching that video.

The things I must give up and or accept, in order to get through what is ultimately, perhaps in many years, not a big deal, and not to learn the wrong things.

1. I may not be promoted, perhaps for a long time, and that is OK. 

2. It may not even be fair or just, and that is also OK.

3. Others may judge you, poorly, and their approval is not in your control, and you may exhaust too much in trying to get it. This also does not mean they are bad or wrong.

4. People may not be communicative, and sometimes that is that, there is no need to add or assume ill intent

5. It is somewhat mid-west/American culture to be nice/polite, e.g. doing compliment sandwiches, and this does not mean you should overcompensate by immediately assuming people are lying, sometimes, maybe even most of the time, they are genuine, and the saying of the thing makes it genuine

6. You should do you best, not to please others, but because you value doing your best.

I want a good cry, and I want a good friend.

Processing Emotions

Dr. K put out a video talking about how to process your emotions. It's so funny that I've never heard somebody actually teach me this (or anyone) before, though I understand it's a sort of western (I'd just say more science-y type of approach to life) thing, and many cultures, religions, philosophies simply have a different way of saying it or dealing with the same subject. In any case, I want to give it a go, the basics at least. In the video he says the two basic things you need to do is :1. to let it come up, let it out, but not just in a 'talk about it way', just feel it, and then  2. ask two questions - what is it trying to tell you, and what is it trying to get you to do. The concept behind this is a bit like thinking fast and slow's system 1 and 2 thinking - emotions are an instinctive, intuitive, information - and we want to process them by activating conscious reflection. In doing so, we feel it, consider the lesson, and let it go, rather than keeping it dormant and reprogramming our behavior, as in developing an emotional response habit to situations.

I felt ashamed the in the last week, amongst a mixture of other emotions. I'm not sure how to describe shame, but I guess it told me that I had some expectations upon me, that I knew, and that I did not live up to. My colleagues and Chris have told me I shouldn't feel it in this case but I do. I understand what they mean though, they think that the expectations I'm having are perhaps erroneous. But what are they? I feel like perhaps I do deserve to be promoted, but also that I did not, was not, at my best, and I expect myself to always be at my best (not the same as being perfect, which is not entirely in your control). The shame compels me to "prove myself" back. Repent through doubling down. Funnily, Dr K just had a video on high-functioning depression - which I don't think I have to be clear - and mentions this is a common pattern called "sublimation" - where instead of changing the maybe non-conducive environment, the person doubles down because "they are not a quitter" but it doesn't work long-term, generally speaking people will at some point sink with the ship that's taking on water. The action needs to be on patching the ship, the inflow cannot be negative.

I've ended up talking with people I don't usually talk to today, and so I'm truncating this processing session at just the shame I felt today. Let's see how it goes again, I'm glad to have done it in any case.

Epilogue

I was bummed today. It was a little tougher than usual. But I think I did healthy things, sharing politely with my colleagues. I think Jon sets good examples. I'm lucky to have had good, male, role models like that. It's hard for me to tell how people react to me. I think it's true, and a bit tragic, that men come off as weaker to women when sharing their emotions. I think it's something people don't mean to do but can't help. Christelle does her best I think, but she is not good at emotional conversations where I think I need empathy rather than intellectualizing and solutions, which she tends toward. I think she told me once this was because of some biological and historical reasons. It is strange to be in a position as a guy where it's quite possible I'm more in touch with my feelings than the woman in the relationship, as you're not likely to find much advice on this. The best I can hope for is she does not see me worse for that.

I'm thinking of writing a book, inspired by my brother. I plan to keep in the habit of reading too, just to exercise that muscle and hope some of it rubs off, though I don't expect to write anything good, I hope to do it with an honest effort. That's how I feel will leave me satisfied for trying. Maybe I should write more frequently, read YY's blog more frequently. It's not going to be the tone of my book (which I think should be more Hitchhikers' guide), but maybe there's a way to have that personable quality while writing in 3rd person.

I've been on my team for a long time. It's starting to feel like an epilogue, past even the earlier feeling of being Spongebob after he re-inherited the Krusty Krab after inventing Krabby Patties (and taking stewardship of the place despite not having any of the original hustle and bustle). But it's not based in reality, it's a trick of the mind - the team does not exist on some linear timeline and neither do I. Who knows in a few months how things turn out. I know at some point I will leave though, and I wonder if after some perceived stability of marriage occurs, that will be the time.

I can only be honest. I don't have it in me to play games, or pretend as hard. It is hard for me. I'm stubborn and loyal, and stupidly so at times. People admire what they see as transparency, but it also can be debilitating or too quick of a draw being off the cuff and winging it at every step. I don't hide my expressions much these days. My coworkers joke that I only do macro-expressions. I like it when people find me entertaining or funny, and I think I've gotten better and not taking it to a people-pleasing level of it.

I don't understand "I've been working on myself", I feel like perhaps there is some consciousness or intention to it, but aren't people always implicitly trying to improve or optimize in some regard? Is it specific to just introspection or some self-defined ideal personality or attitude?

It's actually cool, that people have "moved on" from tumblr, blogs, it almost feels like, it went back to being a quiet and peaceful corner, even though that may not be practically true. For some malicious user could take advantage of much more powerful tools these days to uncover people's personal writing.

I wonder what the science says on journaling versus sharing with someone. I sense some overlapping feeling, but it's not the same no?

I've chilled out a lot internally. I wonder if this manifests or can be detected externally, as in do I seem less anxious these days? 

I miss home, I've been away for so long the nostalgia has festered into something addictive.

Half of a Yellow Sun

Meant to post this a few months ago but I guess I didn't hit publish.

I just finished reading a very good book by an author I've heard much about but hadn't read anything by. I should warn you that it's bleak (but not in a cold way) and is ultimately a war story (which btw, I didn't know, so it became more engaging in a way). I would liken the feeling to watching Graveyard of the fireflies. 

I'm ultimately shocked by how engaging it was, but I'm not sure how much is in the writing and just my current mood of disengagement with reality, but I wanted to write about the latter today (also should mention I had a bit of urgency to get through the book to not waste my library loan for another that's expiring). Though the book is set in a much different time, it feels weirdly understandable or relatable. The character writing is obviously very good, but again it might be me, reaching a little, in a selfish and privileged way. But this isn't the oppression olympics, it just is maybe. I wonder if maybe it's my own self-judgement, that makes me feel like "first-world problems" are unreal and that only "objectively bad" situations like war and famine are justified. I read once that people on the spectrum enjoy anime precisely because of this exaggeration of real emotions that allows them to feel it. I wonder if it is the same phenomena. 

These days, my malaise feels chosen. It feels petulant, like I'm waiting for somebody to "give me my just rewards" before I relent and feel happiness. It also feels like the real lesson is for me to wait for it, and for that patience to dissolve and in anger realize this is entirely self-inflicted, for believing in some sort of justice or due for doing things nobody asks for. I liked that one of the managers, a wise, mild-mannered, and affable person usually, pushed back quite strongly on me saying I was people pleasing in a half-joking way. I appreciated that he wanted me to take it seriously, and not feed the ironic vanity that came from declaring my people-pleasing attitude in a half-joking way - an act of self-pity.