I remember distinctly seeing a Buddhist depiction of heaven and hell in samsara. The idea being that nothing is final, you just go through cycles of heaven, earth, and hell. Escaping the cycle of suffering is the goal, i.e. achieving nirvana, and realizing you are in that cycle. It struck me as an interesting ancient metaphor that basically you go through life, and the high pleasant, pleasurable, happy moments are what sets you up to go back down to earth and into hell as well.
I feel... bad, like lonely? Helpless? Left out, not being told what's going on, on purpose? Ostracized, maybe that's the word, like I cannot shake the feeling that people are talking behind my back, negatively, because I've seen that done to others, and it hurts. I think logically, this may or may not be happening, but the feeling is really strong, and I only see signs when the feeling is strong. This is mostly coming from the a work communications problem on one particular project, that has become a lightning rod of my negativity at work and everything wrong that is going on with it. I want so badly to fix it, but I'm not sure if people will let me, and I'm not even sure what needs fixing. And of course it's all predicated on assumptions, as if I'm seeking the negative validation. Like if someone told me "you're right we were ignoring you and trying to get you off the project this whole time", somehow this would be better for closure reasons, even though it may be that there is nothing wrong and there is only a couple of original sins of miscommunication. I wish there was someone to hear me out on this.
I saw a Dr K video that suggested that people who double down when things are bad, which is me often, is not a good thing when it comes to toxic situations you honestly should just get out of. I'm not sure if I'm in this scenario right now, but I feel like I need to see this through, and the only way it's not painful is if I show how good I can be, but that ... feels wrong too, like all I'm seeking is some personal validation... I wonder if it's something I just need to work on, a symptom of people pleasing. I can't please everyone, sometimes, and sometimes it's even people you like... Maybe I have not accepted that. And maybe I have not accepted that sometimes it really isn't you. They're going through something, or perhaps some actions you take, that seem so insignificant to you, are just perceived in a much more significant way by others.
Another video I watched was about klishta, the "coloring" of what we perceive, based on inner thoughts, which mean that we do not perceive reality. I think it's really helpful to just have the word for it, even though I know it to be true even without watching that video.
The things I must give up and or accept, in order to get through what is ultimately, perhaps in many years, not a big deal, and not to learn the wrong things.
1. I may not be promoted, perhaps for a long time, and that is OK.
2. It may not even be fair or just, and that is also OK.
3. Others may judge you, poorly, and their approval is not in your control, and you may exhaust too much in trying to get it. This also does not mean they are bad or wrong.
4. People may not be communicative, and sometimes that is that, there is no need to add or assume ill intent
5. It is somewhat mid-west/American culture to be nice/polite, e.g. doing compliment sandwiches, and this does not mean you should overcompensate by immediately assuming people are lying, sometimes, maybe even most of the time, they are genuine, and the saying of the thing makes it genuine
6. You should do you best, not to please others, but because you value doing your best.
I want a good cry, and I want a good friend.
