Goodness

Gracious me.

After checking twice, I still managed to fill my address wrongly.
Now my college has been sending stuff to the wrong address for months.

I'm blogging because I'm feeling a very very specific, intense anger/frustration that can't be directed anywhere except towards me. Argh.

The only thing I can do now, is to move on of course. But hell, this hurts. I'm trying to figure out though, where this is really coming from.

I mean, why am I angry?

Is it that:
1. I expect to be perfect?
2. The mistake was rectifiable way before but I brushed it off?

Ah. There it is, I need not go on.
Here comes the rant.
1. I am pretty pedantic as a person -> I read my contracts, check boxes only after reading (except terms and conditions, I mean who does that right), I read and re-read at least once, any applications I send.
But I guess, that was a lie right? I mean mistakes happen, and I think I was just deceiving myself. I'm innately careless -> so I began over-checking -> Nature fought back -> I forgot why I over-check -> I I began to believe that I was innately meticulously -> I stopped being a prick (an excuse, at that) -> CONSEQUENCES.

Argh. OK. I'm going to take it nice and easy here.

So I was a bit of a prick, but I can be careful without wasting time, by checking the important bits, once through as well.

Gotta move on, my gosh. I am feeling that urge to tell someone about my first world problems. Argh. Shit. Goodness. Bad. Want to smash things and drum. Or maybe Koreans at starcraft.

Fuck.

The dissonance grows

The contradictions you see everyday.

It's why I found the SEP field in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy one of the best lines ever written.

I'm leaving this here so I don't forget to talk about it later despite that I would have already, by then, lost all my strength to talk about it.

#88 Time to Think

I've been blogging much less since I started working and my laptop (macbook) dieded.

The reason for this is that I don't really fight it as comfortable or conducive writing in the open (i.e my family walking around, lots of distractions, not in my room) and I have stopped staying up to truly ungodly hours (nor does it matter since my two brothers stay up as late).

But I've been wanting to write. So much. And so this post is for #88. All the precious pockets of alone time to think and write.

The Expensive Son

Now that I sort of lost my scholarship chance (Barring drastic changes to my school/major), I'm officially the most expensive son.

I feel extremely helpless. I don't like to rely on my parent's that much, and the fact is my brother signed on partially for a scholarship.

Where do I go from here, what do I do from here, why and how did I get here. I had a lot of questions and anxiety this afternoon after lunch break, which was evident in my mood because my colleague noticed. Not that good at hiding, don't have much practice. Eh. I asked a lot of questions, and maybe it would have helped if I had time to reflect right after I read that email.

I have to decide, if I'm willing to sacrifice. Or accept the kindness of strangers. Marcus, the ever cynical, was more helpful than Glenn, honestly, in this case. He reminded me there's always someone who's better than you. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself, maybe I've lived with self-placed burdens I've forgotten how to live. Instead of being unhappy at being privileged, isn't it more tactful to be happy I can afford a college education overseas? It's embarrassing, but I find consolation in this: that because I'm going on my parent's savings, I'll work my ass off to make sure I don't squander it.

This is the least I can do. I am not a Jia Lok. Or a Glenn. I'm a tad lousier than that. I have needs, I have selfish needs.

On my feet

I had this thought.

That right now it's a transition phase; for sure, before university begins.

And then what?

What if after I graduate... I feel the same?

What should I look forward to, besides tomorrow's cup of coffee?

O and maybe it's time I change up my blog a little?

Just had another thought.

The day when one of my future american friends stumbles upon my blog.

Tomorrow I start my temp job, a bit frightened that they expect me to be able to do some complicated excel manoeuvre ahhhh. Other then that, I'll just be looking forward to: Nightwish, Stephen Wilson, IEHAC, Witcher 3, AC5. (This is why I don't make a great boyfriend... or maybe it makes me an easy boyfriend??) 

Also, driving stinks.

If there was a way to see the trends of my blog post tags... it'll be cool. Plus I can see my 'angst' label go down... right?

A bien to!

Tusk doesn't play from behind

Said I wanted to try a fun hero. And Wei Qi drafted it... in a joke line-up. Well can't blame him since he doesn't understand Tusk, his strengths, etc. but the mentality, just sucks. Pick a fun hero cause it's a 'chill' match am I right? Nobody expects you to win am I right? So why pick a hero? Sickening thing about Dota to me is 'the meta'. It's gotten better of course, with more heroes being picked professionally. But there's always this OP hero that everyone just plays all the time. And then there's this irony, you see. That you're angry because people are just interested in winning by playing the meta, but then you get disappointed when you don't play the meta and you lose. What were you expecting? The underdog to win?

#89 Slippers

The Singaporean uniform is shirt, shorts and slippers. My favorite outfit of all time. And way cheaper too. I mean Zara is nice but come on.

I decided to write tonight because I haven't in a while.

The days have gone on... and sincerely they've just been like NS... transitional, routine (but hell 'uva lot more fun). I'd wish for something different, but I threw that away. 

Unfinished and incoherent stuff.

My oddities keep me sane.

I think about days past,

And only remember the worst. 

Signs of a perfectionist,

A regretful curse.