Tuesday, 30 July 2019
Mental Health
Recalling a time when I had to support one of my men going through mental health problems while in the army. Back then, I think my understanding and empathy was extremely poor, all I could do was feel bad while being helpless.
Monday, 1 July 2019
Sleeping
I was thinking just now about how my blog is a place to express myself, and maybe it's because of the difficulty of sounding emotional out-loud, in-real life as a guy, or otherwise normal human being. I think it ruins the image of sounding stoic and in-control and not attention seeking and not needy.
I slept for 18 hours by accident and by design since I didn't set an alarm. I woke up normally yesterday and so I didn't think I would need to honestly, but I guess the jet-lag really didn't reset that quickly... so it's back to square one. I overheard my mother joking that I was useless, having heard I slept so much. My dad said it probably means I needed the sleep. I think it really shows their different approaches to life. The capitalist and the 'normal'. I guess now I'll start looking again. Another thought I had was that I slept 18 hours because it's a sign of depression? I don't think so though.
I feel like I've learnt to quickly the normative nature of words, without any experience. Like 'networking' - what is that supposed to mean? It sounds ridiculous, and a lot of people give me a lot of shit for it, but when I think about it, I can't grasp it conceptually, it sound estranged, foreign and scary. Is it fear then? Maybe. In my head I just see negative things, a room full of tired, fake, uninterested people. But that isn't true. Supposedly it 'happens all the time', but I think that is a lie. I don't know if it is possible to 'network' and do other things at the same time. It just sounds like a deception. This ricemedia article I'm reading doesn't help: https://www.ricemedia.co/culture-events-diary-forced-boss-visit-funan-mall/?fbclid=IwAR3dBkoEZqMyI7A5v2I1LxG_Vt7eCff-Z3jmvu7sas9j-Czj2yTl38J5Lcc. I think the worst emotional feeling in the world for me is embarrassment, which is extremely Chinese. I don't know how this came to be, but it is. I just read that LinkedIn is apparently one of the top 10 sites visited in Singapore. Jesus christ that's banal. Fyi Blogger is telling me to capitalize the word Christ lol. When people smile so cheesily in the camera, are they thinking of memes, or are they genuinely blissful? My brother saw my graduation photos and saw my half-smiles and said I looked like a monk. But to tell you the truth I didn't know if I was happy enough then, which was the real problem.
I wonder who are the 1 or 2 views that see my post, or are they just search algorithms parsing through my site? It's hard to know these days. I'll tell you something though, this ricemedia article really stings, because I was in the process of accepting I must become a 'liberal-leaning' type they describe, and it's displaying it in full glory. Mostly I feel caught in a contradiction. On the one hand I've decided to pursue an education in 'capitalism' but am not particularly seduced by that work space. I am told by my mom most people are lying all the time 'but what to do' as in this is the reality we live in. On the other hand I feel like I relate much more to the artist-type 'outsiders' of sort, although they lean-in to society in odd dysfunctional ways too, but I have no talent in that regard, even in photography which I've given up almost entirely. There are thousands of 'tips' on career-building on all these sites, and I feel uneasy, why are they helping, and I can already hear a retort from Christelle. I don't know, but I feel put off by smiling these days, for the same reason that Musée des beaux arts is a great poem.
I slept for 18 hours by accident and by design since I didn't set an alarm. I woke up normally yesterday and so I didn't think I would need to honestly, but I guess the jet-lag really didn't reset that quickly... so it's back to square one. I overheard my mother joking that I was useless, having heard I slept so much. My dad said it probably means I needed the sleep. I think it really shows their different approaches to life. The capitalist and the 'normal'. I guess now I'll start looking again. Another thought I had was that I slept 18 hours because it's a sign of depression? I don't think so though.
I feel like I've learnt to quickly the normative nature of words, without any experience. Like 'networking' - what is that supposed to mean? It sounds ridiculous, and a lot of people give me a lot of shit for it, but when I think about it, I can't grasp it conceptually, it sound estranged, foreign and scary. Is it fear then? Maybe. In my head I just see negative things, a room full of tired, fake, uninterested people. But that isn't true. Supposedly it 'happens all the time', but I think that is a lie. I don't know if it is possible to 'network' and do other things at the same time. It just sounds like a deception. This ricemedia article I'm reading doesn't help: https://www.ricemedia.co/culture-events-diary-forced-boss-visit-funan-mall/?fbclid=IwAR3dBkoEZqMyI7A5v2I1LxG_Vt7eCff-Z3jmvu7sas9j-Czj2yTl38J5Lcc. I think the worst emotional feeling in the world for me is embarrassment, which is extremely Chinese. I don't know how this came to be, but it is. I just read that LinkedIn is apparently one of the top 10 sites visited in Singapore. Jesus christ that's banal. Fyi Blogger is telling me to capitalize the word Christ lol. When people smile so cheesily in the camera, are they thinking of memes, or are they genuinely blissful? My brother saw my graduation photos and saw my half-smiles and said I looked like a monk. But to tell you the truth I didn't know if I was happy enough then, which was the real problem.
I wonder who are the 1 or 2 views that see my post, or are they just search algorithms parsing through my site? It's hard to know these days. I'll tell you something though, this ricemedia article really stings, because I was in the process of accepting I must become a 'liberal-leaning' type they describe, and it's displaying it in full glory. Mostly I feel caught in a contradiction. On the one hand I've decided to pursue an education in 'capitalism' but am not particularly seduced by that work space. I am told by my mom most people are lying all the time 'but what to do' as in this is the reality we live in. On the other hand I feel like I relate much more to the artist-type 'outsiders' of sort, although they lean-in to society in odd dysfunctional ways too, but I have no talent in that regard, even in photography which I've given up almost entirely. There are thousands of 'tips' on career-building on all these sites, and I feel uneasy, why are they helping, and I can already hear a retort from Christelle. I don't know, but I feel put off by smiling these days, for the same reason that Musée des beaux arts is a great poem.
Wednesday, 26 June 2019
Thinking some more
I feel emotionally very stressed and lost whenever I think of job hunting, or trying to learn something 'professionally-related'. It's like I get a sick feeling in my heart and stomach and I'm not sure why; maybe in my head I've just been building up so much disdain and vitriol that now that I must confront it like an adult, I've only shot myself in the foot by literally triggering a bad reaction every time I try to deal with it. I feel like I am being pounded by contradictory advice, values, and I have so much fear that I cannot be myself or that I will get so good at imitation as I always do that one day everything will explode once more when shit hits the fan. I feel like I have so much regret but can only move forward, and only now witnessing the proverbial Jenga tower collapse in slow motion as I am left behind by everyone in the rat race and am only not sleeping on the streets because I can draw upon immense privilege, i.e. I am making my parents suffer for my arrogance, childishness, stupidity, laziness, etc. and have no confidence in anything that I do at the same time that I judge others less clever and yet employed - again the arrogance - but then this cannot be and it must be that I am just blind, unaware, unable to build up any form of the 'street-smartness' that was my passion and example to follow. I am constantly afraid to ask for advice as it makes me look dumber and dumber, and as I told Steele I hate feeling like I am dumb, patronized and spoon-fed like a damn amateur. I feel so fucking stupid, and a failure of a Singaporean compared to my peers because I should have, could have given up my ideals earlier and thought long-term. Now I might work in Singapore and essentially lose the only real connections and relationships that I really value at this point, for all my years of self-perceived social ineptness, because I was a fool. It's good to write this in words at least. But unfortunately for new algorithms they might be read, which I why I like being honest, so nothing can be held against me ever. I feel like I've been indoctrinated, turned against society by my education and made a fool for it, because I cannot seem to hold down reading any business news without cringing, when I know that the world is grey and made up of people who are just trying to do their best, as I saw in the museum today. I have squandered what was given to me instead in some lame rejection of position, as Chris pointed out, and am now the hapless and useless son that I despised in my mind. So it's self-hate really. I don't want to hear any comfort because I'm the recipient this time, and nobody's convinced me otherwise yet. I have to focus.
How easy was it for me back when I still had mainstream hobbies and interests, and now everything seems so listless and hopeless. It's as if I've discovered myself and discovered nothing and no growth except realization of self-deception as I talk to the internet. I've thought about suicide some more but it's too selfish and too pathetic so I must ride it out. I have to try and hope for the best and meet mediocre standards and be prepared for jealousy and ridicule as I go below people's expectations. The thought of it only makes me want to work triply hard for any job I get. I must learn to discipline my mind and treat things as important and regain my confidence that things will work out, that the child in the basement will be uplifted if you participated, that this is MLK's struggle for integration and that revolution is a red herring. I must learn to remember that people opening the window, eating, walking dully along smiling while others suffer is a normalcy of reality, and that they truly mean no harm or perhaps are ignorant in self-protection. That you can help with a smile, though that still feels wrong to me, because only the people supposedly helping have that choice to carry on, smile and forget about everyday woes. I feel angry on behalf of people I do not know, that being a symptom of my own privilege still, which leads to further frustration that there can be so much unfairness but as long as it breaches no thresholds it is tolerated regardless.
How easy was it for me back when I still had mainstream hobbies and interests, and now everything seems so listless and hopeless. It's as if I've discovered myself and discovered nothing and no growth except realization of self-deception as I talk to the internet. I've thought about suicide some more but it's too selfish and too pathetic so I must ride it out. I have to try and hope for the best and meet mediocre standards and be prepared for jealousy and ridicule as I go below people's expectations. The thought of it only makes me want to work triply hard for any job I get. I must learn to discipline my mind and treat things as important and regain my confidence that things will work out, that the child in the basement will be uplifted if you participated, that this is MLK's struggle for integration and that revolution is a red herring. I must learn to remember that people opening the window, eating, walking dully along smiling while others suffer is a normalcy of reality, and that they truly mean no harm or perhaps are ignorant in self-protection. That you can help with a smile, though that still feels wrong to me, because only the people supposedly helping have that choice to carry on, smile and forget about everyday woes. I feel angry on behalf of people I do not know, that being a symptom of my own privilege still, which leads to further frustration that there can be so much unfairness but as long as it breaches no thresholds it is tolerated regardless.
Tuesday, 25 June 2019
:thinking:
I think I should start by admitting that I've had the beginnings of what people would consider suicidal thoughts. I know that suicide ideation requires planning of method, time, place, etc. so I should not kid myself in thinking I've gone that far, but I have been thinking about it much more than usual.
It's pretty pathetic though, which is why I chose to write it on my blog which I haven't posted in a while. The ironic thing is I think a lot of it is stress from job hunting but this absolutely does only harm in a job hunt by putting your mental health on the internet. I say stress from job hunting when in fact everything is my own fault and I have not really done much about it because of a mental block. I supposedly pride myself on being adaptable but can't seem to manage something that supposedly everyone does. I remember a lot of things in different orders that I wanted to include in this post. One of them was just thinking about a friend whom I visited many times in the hospital when he was checked in for mental health. That friend told me the doctors were not helping, but the sheer helplessness and hatred of the situation he was in (having his movement controlled, meds, etc.) made him absolutely want to never go back and motivated him to try and get better. That's just honestly, very tragic... I don't know, perhaps we are being selfish by being depressed, and that logic of the system only seems to confirm this. A shame that most things are a lie these days and for all days. I should read Kurt Vonnegut after Infinite Jest.
The other thing I wanted to include was this poem, and perhaps 2, both of which I was crying to when they were spoken by Professor Natasha Trethewey during Weinberg's convocation. I took this from Emory's website:
Musee des Beaux Arts
W. H. Auden
About suffering they were never wrong,
The old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position: how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.
In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water, and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.
It takes up a good chunk of the text, so I'm not going to write the other way here. I told a few brothers this, but the true banality of the poem manifested itself in the setting of its delivery - while I listened intently in awe at how ... correct... the poem was, my two neighbouring graduates were looking at their phones, maybe listening, maybe not, maybe texting about how someone was crying next to them, or how depressing the speaker was, and how they didn't need to hear it, because ironically, her tragic life, was not an important failure to them either. But it certainly helped me to feel, and that's how I know I can carry on, or how I know I must learn to praise the mutilated world.
Soon I will have to leave my blog as is and write other things.
The poem goes even further; it reminds me of times when I felt that the suffering of others was not my own, and I had somewhere to get to and I sailed calmly on. Right now it frightens me how little I can do for others, how little attention the homeless man sleeping on a pile of soft garbage must get, and yet he carries on because he must. And yet I am upset over my own privileged life because I am upset that he does not get that same opportunity, and I believe the system will only benefit me if I play it. But this is not true, according to everyone around me, and yet this is not what my classes have taught me, but surely this is what all the fancy-clothed people around me must believe, as they stroll past Icarus in the dumpster. How curious that it follows the opposite pattern as another story I've been thinking of lately, the Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas, which if you have not read... well you should and if you've forgetten its premise, you could catch up with this well-written article.
My mind strays then to the Little Match Girl, another story about poverty... But what is this abstract poverty I'm thinking of? Am I not just romanticizing the poor and exploited? That is when I think of Brave New World, about a happy socially-stratified country which somehow still makes absolutely no sense. Because maybe the book was about how happiness is meaningless without freedom, yet today the latter is easily traded, and you would be childish to go against the meta. OK, I think I've cried enough for now.
It's pretty pathetic though, which is why I chose to write it on my blog which I haven't posted in a while. The ironic thing is I think a lot of it is stress from job hunting but this absolutely does only harm in a job hunt by putting your mental health on the internet. I say stress from job hunting when in fact everything is my own fault and I have not really done much about it because of a mental block. I supposedly pride myself on being adaptable but can't seem to manage something that supposedly everyone does. I remember a lot of things in different orders that I wanted to include in this post. One of them was just thinking about a friend whom I visited many times in the hospital when he was checked in for mental health. That friend told me the doctors were not helping, but the sheer helplessness and hatred of the situation he was in (having his movement controlled, meds, etc.) made him absolutely want to never go back and motivated him to try and get better. That's just honestly, very tragic... I don't know, perhaps we are being selfish by being depressed, and that logic of the system only seems to confirm this. A shame that most things are a lie these days and for all days. I should read Kurt Vonnegut after Infinite Jest.
The other thing I wanted to include was this poem, and perhaps 2, both of which I was crying to when they were spoken by Professor Natasha Trethewey during Weinberg's convocation. I took this from Emory's website:
Musee des Beaux Arts
W. H. Auden
About suffering they were never wrong,
The old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position: how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.
In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water, and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.
It takes up a good chunk of the text, so I'm not going to write the other way here. I told a few brothers this, but the true banality of the poem manifested itself in the setting of its delivery - while I listened intently in awe at how ... correct... the poem was, my two neighbouring graduates were looking at their phones, maybe listening, maybe not, maybe texting about how someone was crying next to them, or how depressing the speaker was, and how they didn't need to hear it, because ironically, her tragic life, was not an important failure to them either. But it certainly helped me to feel, and that's how I know I can carry on, or how I know I must learn to praise the mutilated world.
Soon I will have to leave my blog as is and write other things.
The poem goes even further; it reminds me of times when I felt that the suffering of others was not my own, and I had somewhere to get to and I sailed calmly on. Right now it frightens me how little I can do for others, how little attention the homeless man sleeping on a pile of soft garbage must get, and yet he carries on because he must. And yet I am upset over my own privileged life because I am upset that he does not get that same opportunity, and I believe the system will only benefit me if I play it. But this is not true, according to everyone around me, and yet this is not what my classes have taught me, but surely this is what all the fancy-clothed people around me must believe, as they stroll past Icarus in the dumpster. How curious that it follows the opposite pattern as another story I've been thinking of lately, the Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas, which if you have not read... well you should and if you've forgetten its premise, you could catch up with this well-written article.
My mind strays then to the Little Match Girl, another story about poverty... But what is this abstract poverty I'm thinking of? Am I not just romanticizing the poor and exploited? That is when I think of Brave New World, about a happy socially-stratified country which somehow still makes absolutely no sense. Because maybe the book was about how happiness is meaningless without freedom, yet today the latter is easily traded, and you would be childish to go against the meta. OK, I think I've cried enough for now.
Friday, 5 April 2019
well shit lol
Things have finally come to a head and I must choose between pragmatism and integrity it almost feels like, or principles and 'not being an idiot'. A lot of things are contradictory right now and I feel paralyzed by a system not designed for some people.
Monday, 8 October 2018
...Unsure
I came here because I was trying to see if Chris posted anything on her site, and then remembered she was reading or at least remembering what I posted on this blog leading to a lot of texting from me because I felt like something was wrong (but it was over text so I really don't know for sure). She explained how she was feeling upset over something a girl, that I apparently was asking out at some point, had said. And now she is not responding anymore after I drunkenly texted a whole bunch, and I don't know what to say or if I should say anything or what to do really but I'm very scared and anxious and am not studying properly. So since I'm here I'll blog (actually procrastinating).
I'm not sure if she's angry with me, disconnected, or even thinks I'm deceitful or creepy. Or if it's just a mood or if she's just busy and it's not a big deal. I'm not sure if she believes what I said or disagrees with how I think about relationships in general or how we started dating. I probably should not have texted when I was tipsy and it's true I did not want to have a conversation on a phone instead of in person, but I felt so helpless and scared to be honest and I probably would have laid in bed awake all night thinking about it, because I had basically no read on what was going on. Either way, I still felt after replying that I couldn't express myself properly or satisfactorily and there was no reply after anyway, and so it might have been overwhelming. Or maybe I'm the one overreacting though she said she might have been. I think I need to text her again or I I'll stay anxious idk. Or I need to really super distract myself with games or homework... I don't want to force or pressure her to reply just because I can't handle my own sorry ass emotions when I feel terribly helpless in trying to comfort her... fuck I'm terrible. Guess I'll have to try.
I'm not sure if she's angry with me, disconnected, or even thinks I'm deceitful or creepy. Or if it's just a mood or if she's just busy and it's not a big deal. I'm not sure if she believes what I said or disagrees with how I think about relationships in general or how we started dating. I probably should not have texted when I was tipsy and it's true I did not want to have a conversation on a phone instead of in person, but I felt so helpless and scared to be honest and I probably would have laid in bed awake all night thinking about it, because I had basically no read on what was going on. Either way, I still felt after replying that I couldn't express myself properly or satisfactorily and there was no reply after anyway, and so it might have been overwhelming. Or maybe I'm the one overreacting though she said she might have been. I think I need to text her again or I I'll stay anxious idk. Or I need to really super distract myself with games or homework... I don't want to force or pressure her to reply just because I can't handle my own sorry ass emotions when I feel terribly helpless in trying to comfort her... fuck I'm terrible. Guess I'll have to try.
Tuesday, 6 March 2018
Why
I have not been able to concentrate for the past hour since Igor lambasted me for lambasting Nico. The truth is that I take him very seriously, and I took the two elections that I lost very seriously. The truth is, it hurts very much to have had such a bad quarter and not be able to overcome those challenges to prepare for my speeches. The truth is, it was very difficult juggling everything, bed bugs inclusive, and living so far off campus, and I am extremely exhausted and frustrated. And I feel even more frustrated because I believe I have done everything I am supposed to do for the fraternity while seeing other people seemingly not do the same things. I'm not sure what's going on in their lives, but I get the feeling I am handling a lot more than other people and still managing to contribute.
I think what upsets me is as Steele puts it, I worship my independence, and I guess I also worship some sense of self-awareness and moral authority that I detest having to hold on to and it's rearing its ugly head at last - I have always tried to convince myself that I am no better than anyone else but I have not actually been successful, and so in my arrogance I actually believe a lot of people 'don't get it' but don't see it, and I am 'done' playing my part in trying to convince them or to enact slow change. And my time is up, because it also hurts truly, seeing all my friends get elected (and they are all very qualified to do so), while I am left to freeload and my efforts (and I really feel like I staked a few eggs into this basket) but fell short of overcoming the fact that I was not here fall. And that is why I feel so fucking angry, that I was penalized for some understandable, structural region.
I've dangled the thought of deactivating but then my housing would be hopeless. So I am left as someone whom I believe tried my very best to contribute but will never have anything to show for it... just freeloading in the house. And it's sad that while I don't think that is very important in a sense, I built it up to really mean something to me that I could be an international student and juggle all these things and study abroad and still get a leadership role of some sort, and it means something to society who will see that I joined a fraternity but never took on anything significant. I'm toying now with the idea that I feel upset also because I 'wasted' so much time trying to run for things, and I guess told to many people that I did, and so I am ashamed I am this mediocre, ultimately.
And I consider myself, a loser for it. I am the jack of all trades, but truly master of none.
I think what upsets me is as Steele puts it, I worship my independence, and I guess I also worship some sense of self-awareness and moral authority that I detest having to hold on to and it's rearing its ugly head at last - I have always tried to convince myself that I am no better than anyone else but I have not actually been successful, and so in my arrogance I actually believe a lot of people 'don't get it' but don't see it, and I am 'done' playing my part in trying to convince them or to enact slow change. And my time is up, because it also hurts truly, seeing all my friends get elected (and they are all very qualified to do so), while I am left to freeload and my efforts (and I really feel like I staked a few eggs into this basket) but fell short of overcoming the fact that I was not here fall. And that is why I feel so fucking angry, that I was penalized for some understandable, structural region.
I've dangled the thought of deactivating but then my housing would be hopeless. So I am left as someone whom I believe tried my very best to contribute but will never have anything to show for it... just freeloading in the house. And it's sad that while I don't think that is very important in a sense, I built it up to really mean something to me that I could be an international student and juggle all these things and study abroad and still get a leadership role of some sort, and it means something to society who will see that I joined a fraternity but never took on anything significant. I'm toying now with the idea that I feel upset also because I 'wasted' so much time trying to run for things, and I guess told to many people that I did, and so I am ashamed I am this mediocre, ultimately.
And I consider myself, a loser for it. I am the jack of all trades, but truly master of none.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)