Tired

 A few weeks of hectic work, culminating in a lost weekend before a long one.

I gave up, decided to abandon the plan. Nobody seems to be following mine anyway. Communication hard, feel lonely as a result. Prefer speak less word like office gag. Hard for people understand me, seems to be happening much more than usual, wish did not have to learn to communicate better for others. Miss Singaporeans. Miss Victorians. Is it not rose-tinted nostalgia for simpler times? Miss book, kind of need a new one, maybe non-fiction. Burnt out, probably, but usually recover after a few weeks of "vengeful" slacking and me-time. Hard to find me-time, hard to say no, feel like people will misunderstand, but maybe because I misunderstand and project. Want to be outside, but quiet, and things I like. Mostly want to travel, but quietly, almost. Like visiting a global library, with some limited, but courteous attempts at learning the language of others'. Maybe need recognition, for effort, but effort silent. Want to nap, but still have work. Am tired, boss.

Feels like people paying attention to different things, and I'm left paying attention to things alone, maybe pay too much attention. Then people question when did not take responsibility. How liddat? I want to curse, in Singlish though. Like when I do US taxes or Visa things, burden.

Learned a meditation from Dr. K for sleeping. Ends in bed feeling that you have a right to sleep and be comfortable. I've always had that in my head, in different things. IEHAC is comfy, all SG music is, I guess. I've also had this image of Fern (adventure time), "dying", of him disintegrating and flowing away as grass in the wind. It's comforting hearing the sound in my head, it reminds me of breaks in the army out in the field.

Sometimes I just want quiet, but I don't know how to ask for it, and not seem angry or needy. But that may just be self-fulfilling.