National Sigh

I am proud of my country. So damn proud.

Our safe streets. I hate that feeling. That feeling I get in other countries. You got to watch your back. You even have to look foolish and put your bag in front to be cautious. Sometimes you can't even venture out at night, knowing you can get mugged any second. Even in other developed countries like America, where I don't really understand why they even allow guns, maybe because I was born here. I don't like real guns anyway, sure you can play all those FPS games but when it come down to it, I'd hate to wield a real gun; and my assaliant to wield one too.

Our lucky stars Lee Kuan Yew, Goh Keng Swee, Toh Chin Chye, S. Rajaratnam, etc. I cannot fathom what it'd be like without them. I used to think it was because a small country is easier to govern and that we had a very good geographical location for sea trade. Then I realized every country has natural strengths and weaknesses. Capitalizing on strengths, and mitigating weaknesses is no mean feat. I mean, all non-landlocked countries have ports. We don't have an ounce of oil when countries like Iraq, Oman, etc. do, and maybe you haven't noticed, but our population is a tiny ant in a refridgerator.

Our racial harmony. Looking at France banning full veils, looking at Arizona pass its immigration law, Japan's almost non-existent non-Japanese population, I know. I know that being raised in Singapore without prejudice and that much blatant or subtle racism is so, so great.

Even our clean toilets.

If you've been to other countries and listen attentively during humanities classes, you can feel it too.
I cannot fathom what its like without our founding fathers. Look at Ethiopia, Congo. Yes they just made peace ---- after years of civil war. I am so grateful, so appreciative, so lucky.

Yet, my generation has many who think quite the opposite.

Today at National Day observent ceremony, the rich fag and 'cool gang' were standing in front of me. When the national anthem played I sang pretty loud (because the band plays slightly lower so I can reach the notes on real voice), and they gave me that look. That 'what the hell is wrong with you' look. You can't imagine how infuriated I got.

SO NOW ITS WRONG TO SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM LOUDLY AND PROUDLY IS IT? THAT US TEENAGERS CANNOT BE 'BRAINWASHED' BY 'THE MAN?'

HOW FUCKING IMMATURE CAN THESE PEOPLE GET?

Do they think that they are above Singapore? That, if they were born in another country they'll still be as whats that phrase they usually use nowadays? "Fucking Awesome?" I don't want to lose my temper but I really really hate it. Hate that I'm even associated with these kind of people!

I bet if they read this post they'd think that I'm a lost soul whose been 'brainwashed by the system'. That somehow, 'they know'. Somehow they are better than me, because they are not patriotic. That somethings wrong with me. That I'm a goof, a douchebag in their language.

Am I jumping to conclusions? Making assumptions? I think I've lived to see these students' behaviours too long to be wrong. Do they have so called family problems? "My mom's a faggot." "I hate my dad." Are they molesting you? Did they lock you in a tower far from anyone until you 'let down your hair?'

I'm losing the hope that the friend's around me give me, because of the overwhelming number of teens who can't grow up in my generation.

After that the announcer requested that we remain standing, obviously in respect for the National Day message to all schools. I'm sure you all can guess by now what the response was. 'Sigh!' 'Wah lau!' 'Wtf is their problem!' 'Shit la I knew it!'

Then Jun Yew made the comment, 'Live our dreams, fly our kites haha.' to spoof this years theme. I cannot allow myself to tolerate anyone saying something I dislike, even my best friends. Maybe it was a build up of anger from the idiots in front of me whom I detest, but I called Jun Yew the 'B' word.

Was I overreacting?

Cross Country was quite fun. Somehow or rather I picked up the Glam House flag just lying on the tree. I jokingly quipped it was "my destiny" to my juniors and peers. All of a sudden we were called to do the mass run.

The next thing I knew I was running with the house flag. AWESOME LOL. Super fun and funny, running with Jin Xiang (also from Glam) taking turns to carry the flag. Beat the Whampoa and VS flag bearer who gave up when we passed them. Yeah we were called Yong Wee extra a few times on the way but I didn't care, and neither did Jin Xiang. It was like being an Olympic Torch Bearer or charging the Confederates with Union soldiers behind us.

Just yesterday I finally experienced watching a VS soccer match without being forced to go.
Maybe cause I'm going to graduate soon, so I sort of want to experience everything VS in the short amount of time before the 'O's. So although unconventional, I can now tell my friends I ran the mass run with a house flag lol.

I am awfully embarassed to say I didn't post any RS songs because I was afraid of rejection, but I'm not afraid anymore. I don't care what other people think so much, its for me to enjoy then. My own little world.

Stressed again?

I know how Penny feels.
When you've made a plan and it doesn't work out.
Disappointment, despair, hopelessness, pessimism.
When will AEP end I ask?
I broke down today, probably by that enzyme bacteria produce haha.
I cried...
Countless times I prepare myself for this kind of situation and yet...

From a child to an adult, what decisions do we make? E-maths B3.
I used to like maths, it was challenging yet manageable. Now, its boring and difficult to master. Hate maths now. I know I'm contradicting myself.

Back to AEP
I actually thought I could finish today.
Infer please.
Cried my way through the lesson after Quinn and the teachers made me realize it ain't going to happen.
For years now I struggled and fumbled with AEP, I should have seen this coming.

My 'C' stands out when I'm emo. 'I' when I'm happy go lucky.
The other day when I went to celebrate my Primary School's two friends birthdays, met a certain person at Sakae Sushi.
I made a huge mistake last time admitting my crush on MSN.
Things didn't heal for me after that. I still feel ultra awkward around her.
So when she came to wish my friend happy birthday, I just put up  a false front, smiled, acted normal; but inside, I just cannot get over the embarrassment. 'C'.

It kind of makes it worse that my siblings are both male and I'm in a boy's school.
Unthinkably stressed and depressed right now.

My 'friends' all try to cheer me up. Is it instinct or true care, I wonder.
Some of these 'friends' I've tried to 'correct' before.
I guess I was wrong to be so arrogant.
Yet I'm angry they are still like that. Are they right? You know, the smoking paikia type. Are they just broken souls who have resigned to failure and stooped so low in humiliation and went into hiding, hiding behind a facade.
The world is so complex.

I don't know if I want people around me when I'm emotional or not. I think the latter. Like I said, 'C'.
So after a slight tantrum I went to the choir room, thankfully unlocked. The piano was on, I pondered if it was a sign. Played Runescape songs, and fuck it whomever think its lame. I cried even more profusely at the sound of the songs. My little world of Runescape. Maybe I'm more 'C' than I think. I prefer small groups of friends and games that my friends don't even play sometimes.

This version is a bit strong and less emo than the way I play it.

Emptiness and despair

Emo title eh? Actually I'm just very very lost right now. It always happens when I finish a game. "What do I do now?" I really have no clue. I'm definitely not in the mood for homework, because I find it difficult to do something 'with no end in sight'. Maybe I should be a 'D', result oriented.

So I just finished playing a game which I cannot reveal online. What am I doing playing 2 weeks from the Prelims? Well I don't find it affects me very much. If I don't play I sleep. If I force myself to study I fall asleep. Coffee doesn't help if I got no motivation. If you still don't trust me, the most I can say is my parents do and so far its OK. I'm not about to run rampant and spam Maple Story <---this game sucks. <----- This statement is subjective.

So continuing, I'm lost and its of paramount of importance I find another game or something to do. I do my work with the goal in mind to relax and play, so with the loss of interest in a game comes the loss of interest in work as well. Its a blessing and a curse, because its easy to motivate myself yet risky.

I'M BOREDDDDD.
Vindicated by Dashboard Coffesional. What kind of band name is that? No clue. It is the Official Sound Track (OST) of Spider-man 2. I like both the tune and the meaning, because I get very irritated when I don't get a chance to explain themselves or when other people don't genuinely listen and end up doing stupid things or making bad choices.

Identity: Incessant Talker

In sec 2 I was ID (I think), now I'm IC. What hasn't change? The Inability to stop talking. Haha. Apparently I'm supposed to be influential and have a good sense of homour. However, maybe its because all the AEP students are probably Is too that they don't take advice or like my jokes very much.

I do fear rejection though, and yes, coach Zhi Hong is right, I do find it awkward when no one talks.

I thought the test is quite accurate because the attributes are quite close to who I am. I can't stand loneliness yet I like to be lonely at times. So the opposite blend is quite pertinent. I fear both rejection and being criticized. I thrive on compliments and am a perfectionist. I quite readily take the role of public speaking and am excited to share thoughts outloud but get really nervous when I do. I like to play and prefer to be laid back, but efficiency is also my number one concern.

Is are supposed to be actors, DJs etc. Yet Cs are supposed to be scientologist and researchers. Hmm, Humanities VS Science? I feel that my I side is pulling down my C side and vice versa. I can't seem to excel in both areas yet am quite infallible to their weaknesses. Frustrated right now.

The chorus super easy to harmonize man! The lyrics is somewhat meaningful too. The original music video is err inappropriate for how I interpret the song.

Mathematical Reinclination

Today I did a one hour notice A-maths mock test. I think its my most favourite maths paper in VS paper. No graphs and a whole lot of proving questions.

Very brain-stimulating. I lot of people like easy papers, I think I prefer difficult ones.

Weird? Well to me when you face easy papers you are 'expected' to do well, so its a lot of pressure. Plus difficult papers challenge your mind so its definitely more fun then doing tedious sums that are no-brainers.

I feel a bit more passionate about maths now.

NSP was fun with You Duen and Jin Xiang. I think I don't mind NSP again. Though I mind 9pm AEP.

Always look on the bright side; at least get to eat dinner out with friends.

Our conversation went a little deeper than the one I had with Jaren and You Duen during LC. Mostly about kindness and altruism. It made me wonder how I got myself to be so optimistic. They were kind of against me about kindness. I remember where I learnt it from...

Watching Fairly Odd Parents haha. The episode was about how Timmy did all sorts of acts of kindness without receiving gratitude, some even scolding him for being extra. He wished himself never born in defiance thinking that the people around him would be worse off without him. He realized it wasn't true and surrendered himself to non-existence. Jorgen (I don't know how spell) initially was meant to magically make him disappear from existence permanently but did not in the end, saying that Timmy surrendering himself for the better of others was altruism and selfless, which was what he must learn before he can return to being born.

He went on to say (in his usual harsh but strangely wise tone) that you do deeds of kindness because you should and not because you expect something in return. In other words, true kindness comes from the heart.

It sort of struck me and I ever since I've tried abiding to that mantra.

I wish there were more or these kinds of cartoon episodes and cartoons for that matter. Not some crap like Tom and Jerry, which to me implies that robbing someone's food is OK cause you can get away with it and not that small people should stand up to bullies. Tom isn't a bully to me, his a cat, his job is to catch thieving mice. His a policeman. So I think its a really horrid show.

Full moon tonight. I experimented with a funky tripod position where the camera is vertical, I know how to do it now. I seemed to have caught on Mr Munir's funky syndrome.

Luck

My lucks been pretty bad my whole life. I did have some lucky things happen to me before, but thats when the chances were high it would happen due to prior preparation or analytical decisions.

So in a way I have to create my own luck, should have figured that out sooner...

Went to take Elgin Bridge this morning, and it rained. Should have checked the weather forecast.

Then at night went to the Helix and had to walk an extra 4 km because of road closure. Should have checked when were NDP rehearsals.

I'm self blaming because I can't rely on luck, its probably why I'm so perfectionist. I don't want to take any chances.

Sigh, I estimated that AEP takes about 18 hour a week, so about 800 hours  a year. Why is it a sigh? You tell me.

We are Scientists - The Great Escape. Was stuck in my head for like a week. I think the band had a song in Burnout 3 which has a nice soundtrack suitable to the game. It could have been song, can't remember.

Political Intrigue

I've decided to remove the playlist at the bottom because its stupid. Music isn't words, anyway it gets cluttered and I'd rather I enjoy my own music.

So two hours waiting for Listening Compre to start, what to do what to do. Lucky I met You Duen and Jaren before went down, caused the chance meeting led to a 1 hour + conversation on everything under the sun, but mostly about Democracy VS Communism, Singapore, etc etc.

I just realized how INBA the match was! It seemed that on every topic, one person opposes, one person for, one person neutral. Was really fun and time just flew past as we discussed. I just feel right at home in these kinds of topics. Haha, geeky? Don't know, don't care. Jaren did convince me to reconsider environmental engineering though, I mean, though it is fast advancing and has a rapidly increasing market for it, it won't be big enough when I look for a job. Finally! I can actually use these kinds of advice and opinions. Thanks You Duen and Jaren.

Went to St Patrick's bus stop again. I never really fathomed that anyone would possibly consider cheating in a major examination. Its just, wrong. I never imagined anyone could stoop to such a level, and yet I eavesdropped a bit (oops) and some students were just casually talking about HOW they cheated. St Patrick's is not suppose to be such a bad school. If normal (acad) and express stream students are as such, what are normal (tech) students like?

Why even consider cheatin!? As You Duen clearly put, 'You siao ah?!' When someone suggested cheating. A school examination is bad enough (and still some people persist even in VS), but a major examination like the 'O' level? Do you realize how bloody unfair it is to us? The students who HAVE AN OUNCE OF INTEGRITY LEFT. I'm so lucky I started this blog. Maybe I started it like School Of Thought; "We were troubled by the indifference of youths..." lol.

Tommorrow is the first till 9pm AEP session. Ironically it is the AEP teachers that are sometimes the most inflexible, stubborn even. They seem to think a one-size fits all works. I understand their concern over our coursework, but I really can't occupy myself with work for that long. Same reason why they shouldn't have made the ESP students hardcore study from 1pm to 9pm today. I think balance is always the best option.

Though muse definitely has some Tze Yang-ish songs, they are quite a versatile band in my opinion, and the vocals are very nicely controlled and unique. The subtle change from real voice to falsetto even with the weird 'going flat' tone. OK choir stuff overload, I must be experiencing cold turkey.