Back

I've decided to write because it's that kind of atmosphere right now.

I just remembered moments in the army, and even further back to primary school, and the juxtaposition of it really 'shuddered' me. Sitting here, in the fraternity house, doing readings for Peoples of Africa, and remembering that far away heat, in the 10C4I office, walking home alone or just to get bhar chor mee. Fuck man, it's wild. I can remember it all so clearly, but maybe it's Heidegger and Freud messing with me now, but it's so unheimliche... maybe it's the music, and the fact that no one here will be able to remember that but me, or that Captain Andy and friends, at some point in my life was so meaningful, and now it would just be awkward seeing them, or I guess not. But knowing how different my life has divulged from clashing with everyone in this universe is just the strangest feeling or alienation and humanity. This weirdness extends to the fact that Dominic would probably get what I'm saying yet Kester wouldn't. And yet Kester would understand my recollection where Dominic wouldn't.

Maybe what I'm feeling is just, a 'spiritual' kind of loneliness.

Choosing

Told myself I'd be involved with mixers and stuff but quite frankly caught the Jake in a sense that I'm not that interested.

I've had a lot to think about, and I feel like I'm already in post exam phase halfway into the quarter. C'est la vie, ou peut être, c'est l'hiver.

Unfortunately, I think I am a little tired after all and won't write at length. Realism is how I cope but not what I ultimately want. It's hard to accept this pilgrimage status.

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I penned that a while ago, but today is a different story. A turn for the worse, unfortunately.

Surprise surprise, another 'frat' guy speaking about recent events. To be clear, I'm speaking as an individual here. I do not generally like to make too many public reactionary political comments (for reasons not relating to apathy), and especially for an issue like this, where I completely understand anybody who might feel my comments disingenuous or tokenist in nature. (And on the opposite end, making a big deal out of nothing) But honestly, I feel pretty strongly about it. And by strongly, I mean extremely disgusted, and extremely frustrated. I'm talking to fellow guys here. (and yes I acknowledge guys get raped too) Here goes the (calm-ish), admittedly preachy, rant.
First of all, while I acknowledge these are still 'allegations', it matters very little to my intention - whether they are found guilty or not, I'm going to use this unfortunately-realistic scenario as a good time to say something.
Actually, that's my second point. I believe the survivors, and I admire and respect their bravery. A lot of people question this assumption, alluding to 'due process of law, presumption of innocence'. It's unreal how frustrating this is, because while I respect it in principle, this is just not something tenable in practice. Many of these cases is one person's word against another. You know who wins then? The privileged guy with more money, contacts, and 'reputation at stake'. I hear people say 'this will open the gates of false rape accusations'. What person would go through all the legal and public trouble, on a lie? Why are we presuming the guy's innocence but imagining the girl to be some 'nasty woman'? What about her innocence? It is already not easy to relive trauma in court, let's not dissuade testimony on what are a minority of guys repeatedly violating HUMAN rights.
Another thing. Why the hell do we have a fraternity (and national HQ) on campus whose nickname at other schools is literally Sexual Assault Expected?! Actually, don't tell me, I know why, and I disagree. Yes, not all guys are bad. Heck, not all the brothers there are bad. But when this issue literally earns you a nickname, and there's been no institutional/cultural/leadership change (you can't just keep excusing yourself that 'oh this happened at another school we're fine', when you are supposed to be the national example/leadership), one has to seriously question their sincerity. Also, do not give these guys a space on campus when other less privileged groups don't.
That's my third point: it's a culture problem. If this was just a guy stealing property and UNLESS the frat was known to tell it's members 'taking people's property is fine, it's obvious the owner was careless', people will more likely believe it was an eccentric individual. But this isn't. We KNOW 'locker room talk' exists, because I've heard it, and all of us heard Mr. '10 minutes of action'. These are guys who treated women LIKE property, probably in part because they've heard brothers imply that they are, and that 'it's fine because she wants it, playing hard to get', or whatever nonsense.
And my last point. To my fellow brothers, to other guys, to myself, don't forget to always say something, and do something. Some people have given me dirty looks today, and I want to say, I welcome them. It's a fallacy in my opinion, that we call people 'woke'; awareness isn't past tense, it's present continuous. We should be 'staying woke'. It's a culture problem, and culture is an aggregation of habits. It's impossible to pretend your character developed in a vacuum, we have to check/remind ourselves always. I've caught myself saying or thinking or believing or feeling stupidly sexist things like 'dang this (female) professor is really annoying' and then imagining if a male professor had said the same thing, I wouldn't have batted an eye. Side note to my Singaporean friends, if you think this culture isn't in our society too, that it's an American hookup culture problem, I strongly ask you to reconsider.

Books Actually

I have no qualms saying I am slightly tipsy at the moment, as is the spirit of the blog to be honest and hence impenetrable.

I have been reading mostly, for the last 4 days. Reading and reading, just for class, without pause for even going to SPAC. It is saddening but only slightly, because my true tendency is towards knowledge. A lot of what I'm reading is quite frankly, what can be considered 'Western Canon'; and truly I am a Westernized soul. I'm still wondering if Shi Yue lost respect for me just because I wasn't as Pro-PAP as she expects. But I think she is mistaken in some respects. In fact I am quite pro-PAP, in fact I have no problem with Plato and his philosopher kings, if the system he suggests can be approximated in reality. I hesitate to elaborate further naturally, for I know it is not the business of future foreign service members to actively participate in opinions of little basis.

I have reasons for writing again. Chiefly, the age-old... loneliness. I believe Dominic and I understand each other in this regard - the paradox of career and family. I am aware that my 'ambitions' are a natural deterrent to finding a partner. Chiefly, I cannot expect or force a fellow human being to come with me to Singapore and then overseas over the year - women's rights are human rights. So my only slim chance of really finding somewhere to be with, to respect, to cherish, is a person who does want to see the world but loves Singapore as much as I do. It is uniquely difficult.

It was no coffee day today, and I think I succeeded in happiness. I wish everyone happiness.

The Moon and the Sun

I have some old tags like 'music' and 'photography' lying around even though their original purpose - to indicate music I'm sharing, has largely been lost.

So let's make an exception today.

I'm playing it right now, instead of being at a big concert with a room full of mostly probably nice people but whom I probably clique less with. It's fine. I am very much in the mood for just relaxing by the room's fireplace and listening to chill instrumental SG music which I doubt Conor would like spectacularly but hey, it's ok. I don't expect very many people to like all this music anyway. People that I probably clique more with.

Honestly, this song is so... good. It's a particular kind of cheesy, like Explosions in the Sky I think, that is sincere because it is complex.

I'm playing Chocolate and the Lovelorn Girl now. So enjoyably cheesy soundtrack-y and all the things I can't describe and have yet to find, outside of Rifdi and Marcus, who enjoy it. And I think even Chocolate is very particular to me. It's almost like a song that literally only I like very much. It's what makes it so powerful and unforgettable.

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Didn't have the stamina to finish that, maybe I'll post on the plane even though I don't want to.

Just Another Winter

An imbalance of chemicals in my bloodstream.

Last year, around the same time, the exact same (or very similar) thing.

But this is the harshness and beauty of the winter, or actually, the year's end, an arbitrary cosmological phenomenon with real artificial meaning. I have always known I'm exceptional. In a 'different' from other people kind of way. Part of the reason is an unforced error of instinct - the need to be contrarian, Nietzsche-like.

I have 7 minutes or so before my bus comes for me to move on.
Very dramatic isn't it? In the end though, I've always reverted to my favourite outlet - anger, music, and angry music. But also solemness and morality, because I know I couldn't be myself if I wasn't exceptionally, stubbornly ethical. It's obviously an arrogant thing to say, but I sometimes think other people, the more privileged perhaps, have never actually had to make an ethical decision. Such a decision is never the confluence of other good things, or selfish things and an ethical position. Such a decision only validates itself, 'strengthens' your ethical 'institutions' (throwing some poli sci here where the individual is the state) when they are diametrically opposed. When taking the hit is not what you want or what would benefit you short-term or superficially. But I know that for me, taking it has never been detrimental, nay it is what enriches my soul and have faith in my character.

And no, this isn't lying either, this is what I want. What I want, and have always wanted, is to do the right thing and not be sulky about it. If you are happy, I am happy - or fulfilled.

Time to put on the angry music and go to SPAC, maybe bang the drums.

Freedom

There are so many melodramatic sides to this title.

And I might be typing this prematurely; so I'm going to talk in code for a bit.

It might be obvious anyway.

A whirlwind of recent personal events, and I think they're all ending sober and sombre.

What I've wanted for so long, a while now, was freedom. There are many kinds but the kind I'm looking for right now will seem strange. It is the freedom of spontaneity - the freedom of having good fundamentals that allow you to act out. The insurance of and security of someone else to hold you and the freedom to give back. It's like  the security of having wealth so that you can be charitable without worry. The selfishness that makes selflessness easier.

I'll admit, this is jarring to write, and not be explicit, and maybe I won't even get to that. But I'll let me, and her know I guess, that at least for a while, that was painful, and it was because I guess, the cliché: I let myself be vulnerable.

That was the reason I was coughing so much, Chris.

Which I don't regret. But experience will give me the freedom to be angry and to empathize with people.

And I wish I had the freedom to be who I am right now, and the freedom to be like during DM, or during Agneska's party for a short while; the general freedom I feel now just being in this country - that when I go back I have the security of a few friends who might think I haven't changed or couldn't care if you did.

It sucks to lose it so quickly, but... c'est la vie, and at least I have the comfort of music.

Post

I haven't written in a while, but the circumstances are too perfect.
I want to write - something poetic, and maybe I'll give it a shot later, but right now I think I'm just going to let my thoughts flow as always, about the things I wanted to say out loud maybe, to someone, but I know, or feel that here it will be lost. Here nobody will get get me. And no not the Singaporeans either - actually, I don't really think I've met someone whom I've shared much with.

I guess as our lives progress people diverge - naturally of course, until it becomes so difficult to find someone who has gone through the exact circumstances you have. That's pretty deterministic, but also empirical in my opinion. When you have social interactions with someone else - or I guess to put it more bluntly/laymen/without dramatizing - when you talk to someone else, you try to find common ground. You try to build some consensus or understanding, But this is very difficult without similar experiences or knowledge. This is why commonalities - hobbies and beliefs are so important. But outside of those things, at my core - it is difficult to say. Maybe I don't know myself what I'm 'all about' - and when would I know I've finally met someone who could empathize with me proper.

Sometimes - no scratch that, a lot of the times - I feel like I understand Steele. I wouldn't know of course, and it'd be presumptuous to believe 'I know better' in a sense. Actually, a lot of times I feel, I get a sense that I know exactly how, or think I know how someone is feeling, or going through when 'I was younger' in a sense. Maybe this is the irony - that it is precisely the belief in your ability to empathize that makes people not. I'm sure Aaron would agree with this sentiment. And another paradox - what's the point of going through experiences, the number one priority I have, if it doesn't amount to some ability to empathize?

Initially, this post was meant to be about the election but I got tired of writing it. Or maybe, like everything else atm, it's about priorities - academics, social life, personal hobbies, blogging and others kind of in that order. I wanted to write my feelings about Trump's win, which in all honesty was very shocking to me. Of course I believed Nate Silver, and I guess I believed most people would be turned off by some off his rhetoric - probably not as much as some others might, but I thought a decent chance of independents swinging his way. Of course, this vote was not about the independents, and it's also not about social decline. America has not changed, in some of its fundamentals, is what I, is what LKY believed. I do not consider his voters racists, bigots, etc. even though some of my friends do. And this is a problem. It has alerted me to my difference not just in politics but everything really.

And 'what do I know', right? I'm not even American! This is true, but actually, is anyone 'American'?, Is my liberal born-and-raised-in-city friend 'American' enough to understand the thoughts of the working rural poor and vice versa? I'm pushing back here - I think there is value in 3rd party, outsider insight. Because of those problems that I recognize though, I've always found it hard to kind of take a stand on things I don't 'play a part in' per se.

Meat just came downstairs and we had a little chat about what I was doing... well I get back to my room now, after a really cool talk.