Sunday, 20 October 2013

the writer, the artist


Every day I live by the superficial things.
The material things.
Wins in dota
Wins in pokemon
Finishing manga
Finishing cartoons
Cups of coffee
Plates of  Bhar Chor Mee

They said it is true joy to live by the simple things such as these.
But is that a delusion?
Is that an excuse for materialism?

Addiction to coffee used to be a joke.
But when my mind becomes so fixated on getting it right before classes, just after lunch, in a rush...
That when I don't get it I sulk and fume, I lose focus for the day.
It's not right is it.
Jia Lok told me frankly how serious it could get.
And I cling on to that dream that nothing anyone says is ever that serious.
Yet everyday I wished my platoon mates were more serious regarding army matters.

Where does the hypocrisy end?

Those solemn moments. Looking out the view just outside my class in camp
Watching the flag lower at sundown...

All the same questions, answered and unanswered again. 
I sought to give Yams a taste of positivity and a strong will, yet it was self-defeating.
Empathy always had it roots in shared mindsets. My off days get worse and drag on.
And it's Sunday again.
I'm a nerd, a loser, an addict.
I stay at home on weekends all day playing the same games with the same people.
Where did everyone go?

I said I hate routine. Is this the effect on my mood now? Why am I scared to exit my comfort zone?
Why do I cling on to the notion that I'm still 'settling into army'.
Where did my courage go?

Where did my camera go?
To the statuses, the people not taking part in activities. Locked in camp.
I wish I had someone.
Or do I really?
Always wanting the benefits but never the baggage.
Laziness and routine.
I wish for so much more. 

There's this manga I'm reading that Yams may like. Yet for all my "honesty" I tell myself it's not right for her, as if I knew best. I care about her, should principle come before that? I know she reads this blog sometimes, so I guess this is the compromise when I hide behind my facade in foolish cowardice.