Take Care

Today I had a decision to make.

To do my weekend run, having just recovered, or to not do it, and set me back the mileage I've worked hard to get.

I guess army thought me something about safety. And after mulling for 30 minutes, I decided I shouldn't let that urge for faster gratification ruin my health. If I'm set back, you just have to do it again. Maybe I didn't have enough resilience training in my life. Or maybe I've had too much. From 16 km to nil again? Gotta keep running.

And why did I get sick in the first place? Complacency. Arrogance. etc. In my forced reflection for CPT Andy I keep writing to take care but forget it when push comes to shove. The hedonistic lifestyle that I guiltily adopted from army has thus taken a toll. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should. Opportunities arise not for you to take every one of them without considering the consequences of overdoing anything that by itself, done once, is overall beneficial.

Busy month ahead... where's my motivation?

By myself

Today I ran 16.4km. It is a lonely affair I can tell you that.
At this sort of distance you would do well to run at a pace slow enough that you can actually think, a little.
Thought about what I want to do in the future and I realize to me my goal is to just earn enough money in some way to travel and start a family and otherwise live life. At this point Brandon Chia may ask "then what is the point of it all", (mostly paraphrased) So what is it? To enjoy life somehow? Jia Lok did tell me before, we can't just keep comparing to those unfortunate people in ill-stricken countries like Syria, because it's exhaustive, and ultimately perhaps, not useful.
Hang on

A repost?

From my friend's tumblr, which I have read constantly to this day.

10 Old Fashioned Dating Habits We Should Make Cool Again

1. Coming to the door to pick someone up.
2. Trying to dress really nicely for a date.
3. Bringing flowers or other tokens of affection to the first date.
4. Going dancing that’s not grinding on a grimy club floor.
5. Straightforwardly asking someone out and not calling it “hanging out.”
6. Additionally, being clear about when you’re “going steady.”
7. Romantic gestures like writing poems.
8. Turning electronics off and just being with one another.
9. The general concept of asking permission for things.
10. Not assuming sex is to be had at any point in time.
by Kate Bailey

I've got.... some of it down.
(NUMBER 1 IS MY NEW GREATEST REGRET??)

Hold tight

Brave
I'll brave confidence
Whatever it took
I'll hold on to doubts
But in knuckle hooks

Because I'm happy
Not in shallow roots
But a tree firmly stood
And I'll stand tall till I fall

And I'll wonder in bliss
If it's all just a miss
But I'll take it, even the pain
In the end with at least something attained

Looking Up?

Nihilist
At the crossroads
Between keeping a little hope
Or throwing it under a rug
And pretending you've lost it all

Does humor lighten or veil
Despair and banality
Does it spring from lost fervor,
Passion, and energy?

Listening to progressive
But none in your own
Laughing it off as if
This was meant to be

I'm making all these changes, trying to improve my outlook. And I just wonder what happens if I lose the support that's my impetus. I wonder if I'll despair or be resilient. I wonder if I'll generate this apathy that those who fought the longest exhume. I'm... supposed to be doing uni apps; the truest real thing that will change after my life in NS.

I'm wondering why I didn't ask Xun Yi for some intro to J-Rock before, or why it didn't appeal to me then. But SCANDAL is good.

It's just too confusing being an ambivert. (Which spelling btw, doesn't register in blogger) You spend a month or a moment, loving the life by yourself, and somehow you thrive in introspection, or was it all just an illusion? The next month or moment, you cannot sit comfortably at home on a Sunday morning, you wonder why you're so lonely, and you get really chatty.

And I just fucking wonder if I'm really happy at all.

Dry Spell

Lately, I've taken more than ever to writing in my phone notes. I grow more decadent and unambitious everyday. And I'm the most selfish as I've ever been.

And this is the first time, that not everything on my phone is going up.
"Do I wanna know... if this feeling flows both ways?" -Arctic Monkeys: Do I wanna know
I'm inclined to write my own poems, and in a way they were the only true escapes from this surreal superfluous life. Each day I'm not sure if I should give up let go and channel nihilism, wondering aloud why the need for drama anyway. Or bank it on her. I'm not sure if I should be independent and force aside the rush, or let it out in overzealous tones~

I like how music writes like me. And I love her blog skins.

Please Simple

I don't want to be greedy

I just need to know it's right
I just want you to be there and be happy

at a quarter past 2, the deepest night

We should be no trophy or snatch

Just a shoulder, a hand, a lap.

I can't promise you answers I can

only promise ears.

I'll be faithful and sincere even after all the beers.

Simple and plain, an end to the permanent rain...
Ironic that I hate drama and pain.

When something means this much.

I don't like it when my poems get sloppy. Like you sort of know they're not as inspired... but it's therapy. Just a little.. hope that someone reads.

And I don't want to sleep because I feel so fucking empty.