Still Gaming

Actually felt a tinge of discomfort typing the title.
Maybe I haven't absorbed the motto of my blog properly yet, or I've forgotten it.
Believe me when I say it was easier in VS.
On the weekends I always feel a selfish loneliness.
(I just stared at the floor for about 20 seconds. Can you imagine that? Acting emo haha.)
Anyway. I say selfish because one immediately would point out that my family's always around. There are two problems with that. One is that though we're 'around', we're not together. Taking random naps at different times, being busy people, handling emails and work calls (Yes, even me), doing homework, going out to run errands, etc. Love it when I have the time to chill on the sofa with my dad, play scrabble, or go out for a meal together.
I always wonder how it is for other families. And I think its the same. I wonder if most people feel the same way, which would in fact, be stupid because then we can all just start whatsapp-ing, txing, msn-ing each other to keep each other company. So on a second thought, I think I'm part of this minority. Of people who are alone, and care that they are alone.

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Was thinking again this afternoon. If you want to be more melodramatic you could say 'soul searching'. Like, why should I even get up everyday? What am I living for? As a Christian, 'course, it's to seek God and encourage others to do the same. But honestly, these few weeks have been rough for me, with Kwang Ik becoming atheist, missing church this morning, and reading the crazy stuff happening in Revelations, doesn't look to good for that part.

In Photog, I'm just keeping it together. I wanted to leave a legacy behind but now its more like I can only remedy the situation my predecessors left, which in my opinion wasn't very good. I guess I can take some credit for that, but I think my new teacher would disagree. Tch.

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So much stuff that I want to do now, and its just so frustrating and depressing that I don't have the time and sometimes the motivation. Who are my friends?

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I realized I totally digressed from the title. Its quite self-explanatory bah I guess. I think I need to cut down on my escapism ventures.

Its really sucky to be able to appreciate music and not be able to play anything or sing... and your friends can. Competitive? Or guilt that I was so lazy to learn last time?

Compromise

What do I really want?

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Yesterday as I was walking home from dancefest, it was uneasily quiet. The evening was high with energetic performances, but by the time I headed for Marymount, the still of the night was evident. I did not meet a single person from the Darkroom to the gates of the station atrium. I checked my watch to find it was 10pm, a few hours without dinner. I guess personality homeostasis kicked in and I decided to just congratulate the Street Dance CCALs I knew for an awesome job.

To be frank, being an audience member for such events has never been easy for me, especially when they call for people to go on stage or anything. I know that status wise I'm not fit for being the sort of popz kid that does random stuff on stage and gets away with it with even more cheering. I still remember being something of a class joker in Primary School and maybe a little in sec 3 and 4.

And I blankly stare at the glass barriers of the train tracks thinking about all these things... again.

And again.

I love to perform...

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Its not easy to compromise but its supposedly the right thing to do in many situations. Or is it?
Its natural to feel like you've lost and I'm feeling it more than ever.

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Still learning to be a CCAL.
Learning to be mean, an asshole to some people, or they will never work. Totally sucks.
Being lectured by other CCALs is not cool, but I must admit that I have been only good for saikang and not for leading most of the time. Servant leadership in VS only works because a large proportion of Victorians actually have morale values ingrained in the belief of Nil Sine Labore. They tell me not to angst, not to rage, not to get emotional. I'd like to see you try that in my position. And surely it is an indicator that I give a damn right?

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Being Christian to me, seems to contradict leadership. Seriously. I mean how can we not judge for examples? Say if you're interviewing someone. How can we be nice and assume nothing and respect people's choices?

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Grueling Obligations

I haven't changed or posted my pictures here in a long time... And I still have 1299 more Italian photos to edit. And about 1299 more other photos I haven't touched... and obliged to edit for the school.

This would all be worth it if only there were someone with you all the way, wouldn't it?

Going back to the corner, where I can't see you.

Personality homeostasis.
Sudden fall in social life -> Detects loneliness -> Attempts more extroversion
Extroversion increases -> Detects more happiness -> Attempts more extroversion...
...
Extroversion increases -> Detects disappointment -> Introversion sharply increases
Introversion sharply increases -> Detects quiet content -> Introversion sharply increases

Dang it all.
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I don't know how other families are like but my parents never say 'I love you', to each other or to us (children), the most I got is one time when my mom said 'I love my children'. So you can tell I was caught off guard when someone says...

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Tell me that you're alright!... Give me a reason... to end this discussion. ~Motion City Soundtrack, Everything is Alright

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I think the honest truth is that I am afraid of the world and gaming and music is escapism.

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Need a solid base. The 'mastermind group' they were talking about during CCAL sympos. Who are they? The group of thinkers I consult, or rant to?

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Need affection from that one person who would see me at that level... love is so selfish. When I won't feel vulnerable to other people.

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Demand

Can't supply it.
What is the price on me then?
Sometimes I wonder if you could just peak into my soul, see all my hopes and dreams, all my angst and struggles, all my good and wicked, I wonder how things would change.
As I sit here in the peace and quiet I do not tire in my speech, only responsibility beckons me to bed.
What if I said I think I can do this and I don't give a damn what you think?
What if I said those were my ideas and sorry but I hate them being stolen or getting ignored?
What if I said I always liked you but I made the sound choice not to pursue and ruin?
What if I told you I've had suicidal thoughts before but I stay here firmly grounded in hopes of Jesus Christ and that contrary to whatever you may think, it is not a psychological crutch, but an obligated suffering to follow him?

So much to say and here I lay, just trying to figure a way to express myself everyday.

Its really high time I change those two pics right?