Friday, 16 December 2016

The Moon and the Sun

I have some old tags like 'music' and 'photography' lying around even though their original purpose - to indicate music I'm sharing, has largely been lost.

So let's make an exception today.

I'm playing it right now, instead of being at a big concert with a room full of mostly probably nice people but whom I probably clique less with. It's fine. I am very much in the mood for just relaxing by the room's fireplace and listening to chill instrumental SG music which I doubt Conor would like spectacularly but hey, it's ok. I don't expect very many people to like all this music anyway. People that I probably clique more with.

Honestly, this song is so... good. It's a particular kind of cheesy, like Explosions in the Sky I think, that is sincere because it is complex.

I'm playing Chocolate and the Lovelorn Girl now. So enjoyably cheesy soundtrack-y and all the things I can't describe and have yet to find, outside of Rifdi and Marcus, who enjoy it. And I think even Chocolate is very particular to me. It's almost like a song that literally only I like very much. It's what makes it so powerful and unforgettable.


Didn't have the stamina to finish that, maybe I'll post on the plane even though I don't want to.

Friday, 9 December 2016

Just Another Winter

An imbalance of chemicals in my bloodstream.

Last year, around the same time, the exact same (or very similar) thing.

But this is the harshness and beauty of the winter, or actually, the year's end, an arbitrary cosmological phenomenon with real artificial meaning. I have always known I'm exceptional. In a 'different' from other people kind of way. Part of the reason is an unforced error of instinct - the need to be contrarian, Nietzsche-like.

I have 7 minutes or so before my bus comes for me to move on.
Very dramatic isn't it? In the end though, I've always reverted to my favourite outlet - anger, music, and angry music. But also solemness and morality, because I know I couldn't be myself if I wasn't exceptionally, stubbornly ethical. It's obviously an arrogant thing to say, but I sometimes think other people, the more privileged perhaps, have never actually had to make an ethical decision. Such a decision is never the confluence of other good things, or selfish things and an ethical position. Such a decision only validates itself, 'strengthens' your ethical 'institutions' (throwing some poli sci here where the individual is the state) when they are diametrically opposed. When taking the hit is not what you want or what would benefit you short-term or superficially. But I know that for me, taking it has never been detrimental, nay it is what enriches my soul and have faith in my character.

And no, this isn't lying either, this is what I want. What I want, and have always wanted, is to do the right thing and not be sulky about it. If you are happy, I am happy - or fulfilled.

Time to put on the angry music and go to SPAC, maybe bang the drums.

Thursday, 8 December 2016


There are so many melodramatic sides to this title.

And I might be typing this prematurely; so I'm going to talk in code for a bit.

It might be obvious anyway.

A whirlwind of recent personal events, and I think they're all ending sober and sombre.

What I've wanted for so long, a while now, was freedom. There are many kinds but the kind I'm looking for right now will seem strange. It is the freedom of spontaneity - the freedom of having good fundamentals that allow you to act out. The insurance of and security of someone else to hold you and the freedom to give back. It's like  the security of having wealth so that you can be charitable without worry. The selfishness that makes selflessness easier.

I'll admit, this is jarring to write, and not be explicit, and maybe I won't even get to that. But I'll let me, and her know I guess, that at least for a while, that was painful, and it was because I guess, the cliché: I let myself be vulnerable.

That was the reason I was coughing so much, Chris.

Which I don't regret. But experience will give me the freedom to be angry and to empathize with people.

And I wish I had the freedom to be who I am right now, and the freedom to be like during DM, or during Agneska's party for a short while; the general freedom I feel now just being in this country - that when I go back I have the security of a few friends who might think I haven't changed or couldn't care if you did.

It sucks to lose it so quickly, but... c'est la vie, and at least I have the comfort of music.