Unsure

I really don't know how else to title it.
I'm writing now because a dilemma just an hour ago.
I told my friend to help me dabao some Bhar Chor Mee back as I was on duty and couldn't go out myself.

She forgot and by the time she got back it was late. I called her to ask if she had helped me buy (as she helped buy for a few other people, as per normal) and she panicked a little when she realized she forgot. I told her it's OK and I'd just eat cup noodles for dinner. I really didn't think she'd be so kind/guilty that she'd go out again (at about 9.30) just to buy me food. I only found out when she was already outside and asking me whether I wanted Mee Kia or Mee Pok. By then I had made myself some cup noodles to eat.

I ate the cup noodles before the Bhar Chor Mee came and you know when faced with this kind of overwhelming kindness you definitely can't say no. So I ate the Bhar Chor as well knowing it wasn't going to be good for my health.

But not this bad... coughing like crazy with tons of phlegm from the MSG and oil.

And with sundown just a few days away... after training for so long, I would really really get pissed off if it were to go waste. All I can do now is to recover. As much as I can.

And I'm in this awkward position of so much anger without something to direct it to. Obviously, she was being unreasonably kind and I can't be angry at her. But then is it my fault for guilt-tripping, or eating twice? I couldn't hold back my annoyance at her for being absurdly kind after I told her not to buy anymore but at the same time... yeah she was being nice.

This kind of reminds me of my elder brother who was being nice teaching me driving. But so recklessly... Fuck all of this. Why do I have to be angry all the time.

Shorts

It's always good to experiment

Breeze
Through and shallow
Fairly subtle
And i was gone
Found unsatisfactory

Dusk
Under an orange sky
Fiery and calm
I want to get on with my life
And yet I don't

20 ago

I'm writing this on an I-net in camp.
I turned 20 a few days ago in the most uneventful way possible.
It's what I always wanted.
And maybe not.

Maybe I should just admit that like everyone else I do want to feel a little special sometimes.
No.
Maybe I was just put off by that selfishness.
Maybe I don't want to be that person who thinks the world revolves around them.
And yes, I think trying to get everyone to celebrate your birthday and acknowledge it and saying "Happy birthday!" will make me into that person I hate.
Because I don't believe anyone is 'special'. I don't think I'm special.
But because I deprived myself, it backfired.
Every year it's the same. I keep it to myself, but inside I really want to tell someone about it, and I hope so much someone will remember.
And I'm supposed to be 20.

Do you know what people do at 20?!?
DO YOU???
http://www.museumofconceptualart.com/accomplished/ <--- googled="" i="" just="" p="" this.="">
So it's about time I admit, I was a little sad.
It's about time I admit, I don't just want a good day on my birthday. I want a good day and the company of good friends giving me a good day.
It's about time I admit I really enjoyed my birthday date with Mel, and I really like her...

Till the next.
 

Breaking the 5th

Lately have been trying to do too many things at once. Work, exercise, family, friends. And myself. I couldn't sleep just now at 10+ so I went all the way till now. Is it some left over caffeine in my blood? Is it something hanging in my head? Really wishing for something more. I should go and write a few poems.

May

And soon I won't be a teen.

Day or night person? And with whom? Did you spend the day or night with? In the end, do we all reach a steady state? Aging the antithesis of the law of entropy. From a chaotic mess to a constant. Collin said "Now I understand what they mean when they say 2 years is a sacrifice." But just because this isn't the original path doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything. Because any RPG needs fulfilling side-quests to be a true epic. O god. Nerd.

Musings. I used to do that where I'd just type out my thoughts. Whatever comes out. Incomprehensible or abstractly so. Somewhere in the mess is me and somehow I can discern it all. I read through it and like a puzzle solved it comes back to me what I was thinking then in an un-straightforward way and so unlike me. Right?

I wish I had more time.