Outburst
Why you so angsty li keen?
Maybe because i bottle up anger, repress my emotions, only for me to snap later on. Not that these emotions never get resolved, no, they do dissolve... But when the accumulation overcomes the neutralization of stress and getting pushed around, when you don't want to bombard your good friends with all your problems but instead throw them all over your not so good friends or even people you're harbouring malice against... I'm just scared of myself sometimes.
Biblical wisdom says we should never swear...
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When you try your best and you don't succeed, when you get what you wan but not what you need. When you feel so tired you can't sleep.
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Judgement
Are we entitled to judge? The immediate answer is no. What if you have to make realistic decisions? The answer isn't very clear then. Are we suppose to take the heat from everything? The direct answer is no. What if you know not doing so will make things less efficient, implicate others, and stir up trouble? Grayscales again.
What does it mean to be a new christian if the old habits kick in again?
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Attention
When I rant or whine I always feel nasty, feel guilty. I dislike people who do that all the time and now I seem to be doing the same thing. I whine and rant or inconclusive assumptions and rabble that only through the worst emotions will they surface. What is it I truly want? Attention. Told Kwang Ik about this ordeal and he said 'everyone wants it'. Are you sure? I'm not. And Sometimes I don't like talking to anyone at all! No time to post properly...
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A beautiful song... with for once, a clear yet deep meaning
Tuesday 31 January 2012
Saturday 28 January 2012
Waxing and Waning
After all this time I'm still trying to figure myself out.
Don't know bout you but I think when people just stop questioning themselves, when they stop trying to figure themselves out, they resort to 'its just me'. But is it really you? Are you really that lazy? Are you really that scared?...
Ever so often I feel high with energy and ready to take on so many things, meet new people, have fun with old friends.
And after some slump, after disappointments maybe, or possibly just ran out of steam, I find myself doing a hell lot of soul-searching and yes, God-searching too.
And like Collin said sometimes we look back on ourselves and just ask what we were doing all this time in the first place.
Saw a Ted talk about the 3As of awesome, one of them was 'authenticity'. Be yourself and be cool with it.
Another Ted talk on 'there are no scraps of men'. Teared a little on the train listening to it... these kind of displacing elements, those times I just empathize and see different worlds, its an exhausting experience.
And these moodswings are usually characterized by being more quiet in class, more efficient to some extent, not caring much how others see you, a playlist going through your head all the time. More single-player, more loner-ing, more nostalgia, more of looking back, at those blissful childhood times. Sabrina told me its a good thing to be able to be an introvert and an extrovert, but I'm not so sure. Its unsettling, confusing. I don't have a clear path to follow, I don't know where I'm going with things.
Lately people have been asking me what I'm going to take in Uni. I don't know guys.
Super random spontaneous poem
Just waxing and waning
Like the moon and tide
Smiling and fading
A widow, or a bride?
Did you see me where I wasn't?
Could you know my thoughts?
Atop the blue mountains, a valley across
To reach this snowy chamber of my conscious
I just thought and wrote that in the last 5 minutes, quite fun.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I swear the sound quality is much more awesome from my CD version (its kind of a duh but I just had to say xD)
Don't know bout you but I think when people just stop questioning themselves, when they stop trying to figure themselves out, they resort to 'its just me'. But is it really you? Are you really that lazy? Are you really that scared?...
Ever so often I feel high with energy and ready to take on so many things, meet new people, have fun with old friends.
And after some slump, after disappointments maybe, or possibly just ran out of steam, I find myself doing a hell lot of soul-searching and yes, God-searching too.
And like Collin said sometimes we look back on ourselves and just ask what we were doing all this time in the first place.
Saw a Ted talk about the 3As of awesome, one of them was 'authenticity'. Be yourself and be cool with it.
Another Ted talk on 'there are no scraps of men'. Teared a little on the train listening to it... these kind of displacing elements, those times I just empathize and see different worlds, its an exhausting experience.
And these moodswings are usually characterized by being more quiet in class, more efficient to some extent, not caring much how others see you, a playlist going through your head all the time. More single-player, more loner-ing, more nostalgia, more of looking back, at those blissful childhood times. Sabrina told me its a good thing to be able to be an introvert and an extrovert, but I'm not so sure. Its unsettling, confusing. I don't have a clear path to follow, I don't know where I'm going with things.
Lately people have been asking me what I'm going to take in Uni. I don't know guys.
Super random spontaneous poem
Just waxing and waning
Like the moon and tide
Smiling and fading
A widow, or a bride?
Did you see me where I wasn't?
Could you know my thoughts?
Atop the blue mountains, a valley across
To reach this snowy chamber of my conscious
I just thought and wrote that in the last 5 minutes, quite fun.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I swear the sound quality is much more awesome from my CD version (its kind of a duh but I just had to say xD)
Sunday 15 January 2012
Time Flu Away
Sick ranting post?
Maybe.
Should be doing work?
Maybe.
Mom shouting at younger brother again not helping my sickness?
Maybe.
This flu reminds me strongly of my 4-month long sec 4 flu.
The same stupid mistakes... forgetting to bring medicine to school, accidently (or carelessly) taking in apparently harmless food, late hours, no rest, stubbornness to give up responsibility, relenting to some form of strenuous activity... And its another important year.
But its different isn't it.
Could blame my parents for falling sick (I mean, come on, my mother doesn't even exercise) at the same time, and after holding it out for a week, they finally gave it to me after a particularly tiring PE running 2.4. Could curse and swear for being somewhat irreplaceable, having a busy exco or otherwise, not finishing my holiday homework in Italy. I mean... its so difficult right? Doctors tell you to stay home. Even teachers do, but do they really understand what skipping a day of school means? Heck, a day of doing absolutely nothing? While the rest of the 'competition' speed ahead? And its not like I recover in 1 day. How could you forsake responsibility when it is most crucial? How can one decide between activities he promised he'd do? So many frustrations, worrying, all that jazz. Its just so sickening to be sick, can't eat this and that, drinking 10 tons of water, mind unfocused, having to sneeze and blow and spit your way through 2 hours in the toilet...
But its different isn't it.
The Holy Spirit is in me.
And that's all that matters folks :)
------------------------------------------------------------------
The picture that came second yesterday to the one on my tumblr photo of the day.
Maybe.
Should be doing work?
Maybe.
Mom shouting at younger brother again not helping my sickness?
Maybe.
This flu reminds me strongly of my 4-month long sec 4 flu.
The same stupid mistakes... forgetting to bring medicine to school, accidently (or carelessly) taking in apparently harmless food, late hours, no rest, stubbornness to give up responsibility, relenting to some form of strenuous activity... And its another important year.
But its different isn't it.
Could blame my parents for falling sick (I mean, come on, my mother doesn't even exercise) at the same time, and after holding it out for a week, they finally gave it to me after a particularly tiring PE running 2.4. Could curse and swear for being somewhat irreplaceable, having a busy exco or otherwise, not finishing my holiday homework in Italy. I mean... its so difficult right? Doctors tell you to stay home. Even teachers do, but do they really understand what skipping a day of school means? Heck, a day of doing absolutely nothing? While the rest of the 'competition' speed ahead? And its not like I recover in 1 day. How could you forsake responsibility when it is most crucial? How can one decide between activities he promised he'd do? So many frustrations, worrying, all that jazz. Its just so sickening to be sick, can't eat this and that, drinking 10 tons of water, mind unfocused, having to sneeze and blow and spit your way through 2 hours in the toilet...
But its different isn't it.
The Holy Spirit is in me.
And that's all that matters folks :)
------------------------------------------------------------------
The picture that came second yesterday to the one on my tumblr photo of the day.
Friday 13 January 2012
Keep Calm and Carry On
No time to blog. So much to do, spare time is for lepaking now. To everyone, keep calm and carry on, and to Christians, remind yourself who's in charge, it really motivates.
Thanks Jaren for this!
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This game was really a good run (or drive). It is not for people going for realistic dope (glances over to rewindingmylife.blogspot.com) But the fantastic scenery and gameplay, kickass indie soundtrack and just good 'ol burning rubber and trading paint makes it one of the games that became a part of me free-er, younger days. Perhaps it set the stage for appreciation of more indie stuff. Brings back some nostalgia, this song. Not to mention the artist is speaking of his past.
Thanks Jaren for this!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This game was really a good run (or drive). It is not for people going for realistic dope (glances over to rewindingmylife.blogspot.com) But the fantastic scenery and gameplay, kickass indie soundtrack and just good 'ol burning rubber and trading paint makes it one of the games that became a part of me free-er, younger days. Perhaps it set the stage for appreciation of more indie stuff. Brings back some nostalgia, this song. Not to mention the artist is speaking of his past.
Monday 9 January 2012
Ooh change in template
I realize they order posts by date, and I started one other post. But before finishing it I finished the last one, so its below that. Don't miss it if you're stalking me! xD
Saturday 7 January 2012
Thursday 5 January 2012
Expensive
Sorry have not been posting :/ esp Italy and all that. It will have to wait cause I'm pretty busy. Anyway I wrote this on my iPhone while walking home from Funan searching for Camera stuff.
Those considering photography as a profression should major in banking rather then digital art. That's probably always been my utmost annoyance with photography. Sure its fun to snap here and there and take acceptable, above average photos, but when it comes down to it, its FUCKING EXPENSIVE. In case you think Daph90 and her kit lens is like some top-range only for pros camera, it most definitely is not. Its midrange (heh a bit anticlimax but its already 7 times cheaper than a Canon Eos 1D MkIII (btw there's a mark IV already). And that cool ass tripod that i have? Is actually cheap-plastic-already-broken-topples-off-in-strong-wind Nikon freebie. So what do landscape photographers use? Probably a $700 Gioza Carbon Fibre with a custom head from Really Right Stuff.
Short posts no need line breaks eh.
THIS ^ Video is funny.
Those considering photography as a profression should major in banking rather then digital art. That's probably always been my utmost annoyance with photography. Sure its fun to snap here and there and take acceptable, above average photos, but when it comes down to it, its FUCKING EXPENSIVE. In case you think Daph90 and her kit lens is like some top-range only for pros camera, it most definitely is not. Its midrange (heh a bit anticlimax but its already 7 times cheaper than a Canon Eos 1D MkIII (btw there's a mark IV already). And that cool ass tripod that i have? Is actually cheap-plastic-already-broken-topples-off-in-strong-wind Nikon freebie. So what do landscape photographers use? Probably a $700 Gioza Carbon Fibre with a custom head from Really Right Stuff.
Short posts no need line breaks eh.
THIS ^ Video is funny.
Wednesday 4 January 2012
Black Book
She read my poems as if a comic.
All those posts written in my little, nearly-filled black book.
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Christmas
It just turned Christmas in Italy. I just woke up both physically and spiritually. Hard to imagine how much I'm feeling right now. Tossing two coins in the Travi fountain.
I've never really felt comfortable alone. From being scared to lonesome, it hasn't made a difference then and now. When I was home alone I used to erase my insecurity with TV and games. Even now, sitting in a hotel room while my elder bro is mingling at the bar. This is what Jesus gives, and quite honestly, I haven't got to a point where He is truly Lord, felt in my life, controlling it. I will not lie in saying I have no doubts about Christianity but I stick to it anyway for my reasons. Perhaps over a cup of tea anyone? Anyway, they say ENFJs are like that. 'shouldn't be alone'
And since I'm on this topic I should come clean, and say I sometimes don't appreciate my guy friends enough. Its true. I'm shallow. Inside. (Having always to drag my feet towards the moral choice, which to some is actually OK, but in Christianity your attitude does matter more) Always worried I will become some stereotypical nerd (much in contrary to this blog title), perhaps a characteristic of having few friends of the fairer sex. But if I don't want others to harbor stereotypes, how can I? But perhaps a more vague part of this issue matters to me. As Counsellor Gary Koh said in his talk on stress. (Paraphrased) 'Not looking for a girlfriend or anything like that, its just nice lah' (to talk to girls, referring to guys in the audience).
And I do talk to girls about different things. Hollywood will have one think all they care about is shoe shopping, hunky guys and other superficial stuff. While not completely untrue, have we not also lamented the fact that usually, guys, and humans in general, are misunderstood? Taken for only one thing, assumed for another accordingly. And when someone doesn't quite turn out the way you thought, did we get hurt and pushed them away, or embraced them for who they are, after all the countless Disney movies we watch? (Do we realize the mistakes in our lives, reflect and try again?) Insecurity rife, paranoia in bloom. Think too much. Merry Christmas.
Will continue with another one next time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conversation Earlier, [Present: Ben, HQ, Amanda, Yi Hui]
(Insults to Ben about how he's so obvious when he likes someone)
"But you give hints right?" Ben
"Yeah but subtly amirite? Like compliments, have to be right timing" Li Keen
"Don't you give me a lot of compliments?" HQ
"Aiya overdone luh yours, too many to be subtle" Li Keen
That's cause I like you luh duh! [In Head]
But in case you're reading I'm quite happy being friends, we obviously don't click that much and what a wasted friendship!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jazz Club friend's comments for this song "THE RIFF IS DAM JIZZ"
You know what he meant.
All those posts written in my little, nearly-filled black book.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christmas
It just turned Christmas in Italy. I just woke up both physically and spiritually. Hard to imagine how much I'm feeling right now. Tossing two coins in the Travi fountain.
I've never really felt comfortable alone. From being scared to lonesome, it hasn't made a difference then and now. When I was home alone I used to erase my insecurity with TV and games. Even now, sitting in a hotel room while my elder bro is mingling at the bar. This is what Jesus gives, and quite honestly, I haven't got to a point where He is truly Lord, felt in my life, controlling it. I will not lie in saying I have no doubts about Christianity but I stick to it anyway for my reasons. Perhaps over a cup of tea anyone? Anyway, they say ENFJs are like that. 'shouldn't be alone'
And since I'm on this topic I should come clean, and say I sometimes don't appreciate my guy friends enough. Its true. I'm shallow. Inside. (Having always to drag my feet towards the moral choice, which to some is actually OK, but in Christianity your attitude does matter more) Always worried I will become some stereotypical nerd (much in contrary to this blog title), perhaps a characteristic of having few friends of the fairer sex. But if I don't want others to harbor stereotypes, how can I? But perhaps a more vague part of this issue matters to me. As Counsellor Gary Koh said in his talk on stress. (Paraphrased) 'Not looking for a girlfriend or anything like that, its just nice lah' (to talk to girls, referring to guys in the audience).
And I do talk to girls about different things. Hollywood will have one think all they care about is shoe shopping, hunky guys and other superficial stuff. While not completely untrue, have we not also lamented the fact that usually, guys, and humans in general, are misunderstood? Taken for only one thing, assumed for another accordingly. And when someone doesn't quite turn out the way you thought, did we get hurt and pushed them away, or embraced them for who they are, after all the countless Disney movies we watch? (Do we realize the mistakes in our lives, reflect and try again?) Insecurity rife, paranoia in bloom. Think too much. Merry Christmas.
Will continue with another one next time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Conversation Earlier, [Present: Ben, HQ, Amanda, Yi Hui]
(Insults to Ben about how he's so obvious when he likes someone)
"But you give hints right?" Ben
"Yeah but subtly amirite? Like compliments, have to be right timing" Li Keen
"Don't you give me a lot of compliments?" HQ
"Aiya overdone luh yours, too many to be subtle" Li Keen
That's cause I like you luh duh! [In Head]
But in case you're reading I'm quite happy being friends, we obviously don't click that much and what a wasted friendship!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jazz Club friend's comments for this song "THE RIFF IS DAM JIZZ"
You know what he meant.
Sunday 1 January 2012
2011 Continued
Class Camp
Milestones, milestones... The birth of a divide and the beginning of its end.
CCAL Camp, Econs Trip
I think it was really important that I went for both, to really discover more about myself and about people I guess. I also made more friends yay :D
Christ
I'd love to write more about it, but it somehow seems incorrect, like what I write here will not be enough and shouldn't be grouped in with the rest of these insignificant stuff in comparison amirite?
CTs
Ouch, major disaster in my opinion. OK given the circumstances it was OK, but really I'm not in the Rafflesian league yet.
PW
PW is known for its ability to bring out the best and worst in people. Besides my group, it really tested my class's ability to stand united rather than against each other. In fact, there is no reason to compete except your inner primal instinct and pride. Let those who do better do better and be happy for them, let those who do worse learn and comfort them. Do your best no matter what, apologize when you didn't and move on.
Promos
Thoroughly enjoyed it. WHUT?? Yeah I liked studying with my friends and quite frankly I wish we'd do it more often than just near exams! *Singaporean mugger genes*
Prom Cup, GCEP trip, Italy, now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There are times when we're all alone
Times we don't pick up the phone
Time's we're weary
Why won't anyone hear me?
Therefore blog
#Ididn'tknowhowtofinishthispoem
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The internet helps us put things into perspective sometimes. Makes us take a step back, look at our own silly, irrational feelings. Laugh at our shared grievances, and waste time of course.
Milestones, milestones... The birth of a divide and the beginning of its end.
CCAL Camp, Econs Trip
I think it was really important that I went for both, to really discover more about myself and about people I guess. I also made more friends yay :D
Christ
I'd love to write more about it, but it somehow seems incorrect, like what I write here will not be enough and shouldn't be grouped in with the rest of these insignificant stuff in comparison amirite?
CTs
Ouch, major disaster in my opinion. OK given the circumstances it was OK, but really I'm not in the Rafflesian league yet.
PW
PW is known for its ability to bring out the best and worst in people. Besides my group, it really tested my class's ability to stand united rather than against each other. In fact, there is no reason to compete except your inner primal instinct and pride. Let those who do better do better and be happy for them, let those who do worse learn and comfort them. Do your best no matter what, apologize when you didn't and move on.
Promos
Thoroughly enjoyed it. WHUT?? Yeah I liked studying with my friends and quite frankly I wish we'd do it more often than just near exams! *Singaporean mugger genes*
Prom Cup, GCEP trip, Italy, now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There are times when we're all alone
Times we don't pick up the phone
Time's we're weary
Why won't anyone hear me?
Therefore blog
#Ididn'tknowhowtofinishthispoem
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The internet helps us put things into perspective sometimes. Makes us take a step back, look at our own silly, irrational feelings. Laugh at our shared grievances, and waste time of course.
New Year
The coming of the new year compels me to write something, as I close in to Milan on a Mercedez Bus
What is the new year? Winter does not stop at the stroke of midnight. There is no celestial marker in the Milky Way that the Earth's center crosses. "So teach us to number our days... so that we may be fruitful". And yet, we feel something. A sense of closure, maybe a new beginning. We inevitably just look back. On New Year's, on our Birthday's, maybe other New Year's from different calenders. How is it that our conscience is able to comprehend time? Is there something outside of time? (Let's not go there)
So look back I will.
New Year's 2011
A year of change, I could sense it. Leaving VS was not difficult, (technically you just walk out the gate), but it was undeniably sad and maybe a little bit scary. But I guess the thought, the resolve that I will always come back, and that yeah, I didn't really leave (I'm even wearing the 135 wristband right now) gave me comfort and courage. Heh, just a few months ago was the O levels eh. A few on and off outings with the avant garde of Ngee Ann Primary 06' and before I knew it I was handing over my appeal form with Amirul to the General Office, One Raffles Institution Lane. I did not know if I would be seeing the bust of our founder again. And one more thing that would inevitably affect me. Humanities vs Science.
Into Orientation
Fast Forward into Del' Chanto and I was pumped up and ready to meet people. I didn't know it, but at the time I was still trying to figure out if I was an introvert or extrovert. And I can't really say for sure. A lot of it is in the mind. But I was painfully aware my energy always saps away somehow.
Class
Just a few days later and I met my class. Surprise surprise Jia Lok, Joshua, Collin. That feeling that I wouldn't leave VS. Perhaps I didn't realize it at the time, but first impressions matter. Quite a bit. I guess right from day one, the things that were going to happen in the class already brewed, the good and bad froths.
Crushes
'Nuff said
Council, Choir, Photog
Looking back, I have to admit I wasn't ready for council, and perhaps choir too. And maybe, it was all part of His plan to bring me closer. I think it really is true that we only realize his presence during dark times. I tell you a secret, that was the first time I prayed to the Lord, outside the Darkroom, waiting for the then exco's decision. And it happened to be the first time my prayer was answered. A bit much. It dawned on me how vulnerable this site is too.
Ms Chiang leaves
Another milestone of the year. Perhaps to some this doesn't seem noteworthy but I think it is. The loss of a CT does not bode very well for a shaky class spirit. I stand by my thinking still, that teachers are very important in class bonding. For if not the teacher, who shall be the objective facilitator? And more oft than not the CT is the only one in position over other teachers.
Will continue soon heh.
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