Some relief. More stress.

Photog farewell is over. And me and the exco are now officially... in charge.

...

I know I often take things too seriously, but can I really know how people feel?

For one thing, I broke the sculpted hand yesterday that Daniel placed on shoulder symbolizing handover (haha) and then I just stunned, he had to tell me to pick it up...

For another, I spilled the melon milk + wasabi drink on Zhi Yuan. Up till now - can't read his impression of me. In text message exchanges, he seems cordial. But in real life, he's a little cold on me. Maybe I shouldn't be too obsessed with trying to please the ex-chair of RI (Sec) photog. But how can you not, when his support means so much more. I know it. Just look at how charismatic Daniel and Zhi Yuan are, spamming jokes all the time and everyone looking up to them. He definitely supports Megan though.

And my presentation was less than stellar. So many darn common powerpoint mistakes, and even though I excuse that it was rushed, I myself, feel like such a pathetic hypocrite. Eddy is a nice guy and all for telling me about it, and then I had to be so defensive. Fuck. My. Self.

Turnout? Lame. The RGS Chair was very nice, so were the rest who came. I hope they still have faith in Photog.

Even with the exco, most of my ideas or thoughts are quite cynical or extreme, and I'm pretty lousy at listening and taking notes. I try to do everything only to give less than my best.

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Pictures

Not... enough... time... to... post... and... rant... long... paragraphs...
More... pictures... from... ECP
Must... learn... to... tolerate... grain

Oh Well

I just need someone to tell me I have a chance, especially from a girl.



But there are homeless, there are sick, there are poor, there are the heartbroken, the depressed, the divorced, the devastated, the mourning, the lonely, the left behind, the discriminated, issues larger than me. So just move on and don't give a damn about her, however sad you are.

Just to share a quote from a friend's blog: "Doubtless it’s the teenage guy response to fall for the first pretty face who smiles at me (him)." Argh. The truth. 

I recall Leonard from Big Bang Theory saying, "Let's face it, I've been in this relationship 2 years longer than you (Penny)." Brutal honesty to himself. Respect :D OK got more chair stuff to do ^^ Copper! (Cu)

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Been trying to practice taking humans again and loving humankind plus attempting more quality time with the family. Went to ECP for a fresh start. More pics next time.

Ask for permission always!

Fishing line of symmetry

Why is there a reflection on my Prime Lens?

Which is the sea, which is the sand?

Way to go not over analyzing

YEAHHHH ABOUT OVER ANALYZING

I'm still doing it xD Oops. Oh wellzzz. I would be contradicting even more of the previous post if I killed myself over it.

I don't think anyone can understand how much confidence I lost after P6... unless you've been through something similar.

I am insecure only because I have been proven time and again that I am very different and I don't understand how others feel. And I wish I knew what others thought, what others feel, how others react, and know that I am not alone and not autistic heh. The old disney adage tells us to be who we are, but what if being who we are places us at a social disadvantage?

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Why doesn't she look at me when we talk?

TIME

IT'S TIME I STOP OVER ANALYZING
IT'S TIME I LOOSEN UP
IT'S TIME I ACT OUT OF LINE
IT'S TIME I LIVE AND LET LIVE
IT'S TIME I STOP BEING AN ASS (TO MYSELF)
IT'S TIME I GO OUT AND JUST TAKE RANDOM PHOTOS
IT'S TIME I STOP BEING CYNICAL
IT'S TIME I BE LESS CALCULATIVE
IT'S TIME I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK
IT'S TIME I STOP SELF-INDULGING IN VICTIMIZATION
IT'S TIME I LISTEN TO MY FRIENDS
IT'S TIME I LIVE WITH OPTIMISM AND HOPE AGAIN
IT'S TIME I LET MYSELF HAVE SOME FUN
IT'S TIME I CARE LESS ABOUT BEING JUDGED
IT'S TIME I STOP JUDGING
IT'S TIME I LOVE HUMANS
IT'S TIME I GET HIGH WITHOUT COFFEE
IT'S TIME I STOP TRYING TO PLAN AND RUSH THINGS FOR MY FUTURE
IT'S TIME I GIVE TIME TO MY FAMILY
IT'S TIME I DEAL WITH CONSEQUENCES INSTEAD OF AVOIDING FAILURE
IT'S TIME I STOP ASKING TOO MUCH FROM MYSELF
IT'S TIME I JUST SING, AND DON'T CARE

About time...

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Do you remember this?


Now imagine we were playing handball and I was the English keeper...
And that adds to my list of the most 'I hate myself' moments in my life... probably more, just that I've (hopefully) erased them from memory.
1. Thinking the subject 化学 meant Art and getting hopelessly ridiculed by my China buddy.
2. (This one) The 'Robert Green' moment during PE.
3. Every time I rage at innocent people... which leads me to...

SORRY RACHEL

Liberation

'Time heals all wounds'

From the last post, I have done a few pull-ups, eaten a decent dinner, listened to music, and cleared several e-mail related tasks. All this, and of course, posting, always helps me somehow. Whether it is waiting for time to really heal my wounds, whether it has sentimental value, whatever it is... I'd like to call it 'post-mortem' hahaha get it? :D

*Ahem*

I have realized that my playlist is made up of both very reclusive, sentimental, soft and emotional songs, as well as upbeat, uplifting, darn it I really have to use it 'happy' songs. And surprisingly, the happy songs are not what one would expect, you know, those pop kind of songs? The problem with them is
A. THEY JUST SUCK
B. They fit the mood... SOMETIMES
C. Other times they make you even more angry and annoyed.
Meanwhile. The songs I listen to, fit most moods, and perhaps to the laymen it seems distant and unfriendly, but to me, the chords are clear and even instrumentals are easy to sing or harmonize with. I am lucky that the pathway to my house is usually secluded enough to sing or hum out loud :D

I digress. I tend to do that when I'm less emotional.

Still... its not like I've gotten over her. But, I see much less hope now. So its obvious I shouldn't care about it.

Or maybe the real therapy is that posting invites people to read, and at least I've confided to someone, or that I don't feel so reclusive and lonely anymore. But what a moodswing isn't it. Sometimes I feel great being by myself, others completely the opposite. But the general rule is friends are always better. Good friends I mean.

The quote 'always be yourself, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind' actually turned out to be so much more apt than I thought, because in the end, even when I have acknowledged and embraced solitude to let say, avoid eating fast food, it turns out my best friends follow me and not forsake me... I just wish I could spend more time with these people.

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I miss my elder bro even with all his... habits. His birthday was today. Happy 21st Craig.

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Most of the songs I listen to appear on my blog. They're so great IMO I'm worried I repeat songs, forgive me if I do, I don't search for new music as much as others.
Immediately when I listened to it, I could feel the sadness, the remorse, the grief, the hope, and the strength to carry on that the song was meant to depict, of the last few humans of the damned alliance ravaged by the undead in the warcraft saga. I should pick up reading these novels again.

A heart that hurts is a heart that works

Zomg I hope by now all my seniors have stopped stalking this blog and its back to the old guard. Because this post is definitely one of those that are not suited for public.

Everyone seems to be doing great. Does it mean they're really great or great at hiding it?... So many questions, I wish that people would just stop lying... but I do too.

There are sporadic moments of loneliness, of every negative emotion I can think of, and often its always me who's displaying it...

Is it a family thing? My civics tutor, and well, everyone else harps on about quality time with family and what not, but my whole life have mostly been independent of them. Or has it?

Insecurity is the most accurate inaccuracy.

Nowadays I spend my evening largely by myself, the only times I talk to my parents if they aren't already overseas is about politics, the house, money, and signing forms.

Back to sporadic moments of negative emotion. I don't think its sporadic anymore.
Argh, how can some unstable person lead RPS? ...

Maybe its also lack of sleep and food. Haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon, and only slept 5 hours though I had PE.

But most probably, its envy.

Suspect 1: Council Investiture
Watching the councillors get invested, listening to inspiring speeches and goodbyes, witnessing their past journeys unfold on screen and seeing the joy, the hard work, everything... reminding me of what I missed. I know it hurts. But then again, Jia Lok, Bryan (Lum), Husain... seeing these upright individuals honored and working for the school as they do best, its heartening.

Suspect 2: Chorale
Watching the chorale perform yesterday was another reminder of what I've missed. The arduous journey to SYF, the joy and sorrow, and just singing your heart out. And they sang beautifully.

Suspect 3: Photog
This sounds ironic, seeing as being appointed as chair is a joy. It sure is, I actually enjoy emailing and organizing and thinking of new ideas till late in the early morning. There is just one problem.
And this problem. IS EXTREMELY SENSITIVE MATERIAL. VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY. In fact, its so sensitive I cannot hold it in... if Joshua and Benedict are reading they should know what I'm talking about.

Its so freaking sensitive that that that I could jump off a cliff for even thinking about it. Or rather, 'jump off a plane for ya' if you can take a hint. In fact, just try and link these three things together.

Distraction
Hormones
Wei Chung's blog

Omg. If she reads my blog, I'm done for.

When I 'C' her, I get a rush.
When she's around, I fumble, I stutter, I shiver.
When she's not, I imagine, I over-analyze, I panic.

This is very very bad, specifically because it's not just about friendship, it's also about work.
Usually, I will
A. Just find every possible way to hate the person's guts (ouch)
B. Find reasons to why it it's impossible
C. Avoid

All of which are not applicable!!! SHIT. And it's MESSING ME UP.
Symptoms
Unable to concentrate during Math lecture (How is it even possible she sits right in front of me? =_=)
Unable to get things done efficiently during meetings (When she left early, we suddenly finished everything in 20 minutes)

Note the better secondary schools in Singapore
VS (Boy's)
Cedar (Girl's)
Maris Stella (Boy's)
SCGS (Girl's)
RI & Hwa Chong (Boy's)
RGS (Girl's)
EXPLAIN.

And now. Now I think I've just realized the impossibility and irresponsibility of the situation. Not just because most guys are more, well, 'sought after' (especially in her class). But because she's much more active and an overall much more cheerful and supportive person. Sighz. I'm hopelessly lonely now after all the nonsensical wastage of time mulling over her, conditioning my brain to stop doing it, and seeing her and doing it all over again.

I have so much to say, and after talking to Joshua, I know I'm not the only one thinking this way.

The indicators are clear. Contrary to my initial belief, I've only just begun to grow up.

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And all my time spend blogging could be used to chat with someone.

Or maybe not.

Saving time

This title has two meanings.

The first is because I'll have to shave my post cleanly and succinctly to save time.

The second is what the post is about, a brief commentary on why I don't jaywalk. Or would rather not.

Why so random? Because today I was walking home with Russell (whom wts happens to live next time me and didn't know +_+) and he was injured, and so was using half a pair (lol) of crutches. My street is a weird one. Not jaywalking means I have to cross twice from the bus stop. So jaywalking here seems even more valuable than not. I used to jaywalk until I asked why.

Why'd I stop then? Why waste time on a traffic light? Well one would know me to be naturally a guai kia haha. But of course I don't follow rules blindly either.

To me, its simple economics. You're about to shave 1 minute of time, and risking an accident, not just with a car, but with the law. Think saving $1 on locker fees if you decide to leave some belongings unattended in safe Singapore. And my friend was on crutches too :/

"But everyone does it!" Indeed. A lot of people do. Then again, there are Jia Lok, Joshua, etc. who don't mind a safe crossing. And FYI, you don't have to follow the crowd, nor does the crowd justify your actions. Think corruption in Pakistani politics. (everyone's doing it!! :X)

Neither am I considered 'wasting' my time waiting for the light. I'd probably be singing along to my music, reading a magazine, texting, and what not. Doesn't seems like a waste to me, more like enjoying some spare slow time.

Getting a kick out of the thrill? Neh. Might as well go sky diving. I would.

So by logic, I'm not losing, rather I'm benefitting, I'm gaining little, risking much (however unlikely) and completely happy going against my own generation's sentiments. In fact, I could probably save 5 minutes running the short distance from the bus stop home anyway. (YEAH SCORE ONE FOR NON-CONFORMISTS) One might call waiting at the traffic junction patience training. OK sorry that's probably just me haha. For now, got to rush!

Enjoy my birthday? No

I've always said my perfect birthday would be just an 'extraordinarily normal' day. Contradiction! It would go something like, learning loads of interesting and useful stuff at school, drinking coffee and milk tea to my content, have a nice meal to accompany it with lots of chilli :D, reading awesome new current affairs, chatting with good friends, accomplishing homework and other extra work to the gratitude of others :P. Then my OG mate whom I now consider sub-friend (lol grudge!!!) said that's cause my life sucks.

And that, my friends, was another moment of infinite hatred. The closest I remember being the time my elder brother tricked my into changing, packing my things and panicking over the non-existent music lesson I had that day. And back then I didn't know how to use the word FUCK.

I shall not go into the details of how insanely stereotypical, judgmental and disrespectful that statement was.  Suffice to say that, somethings you say, in fact, DO HURT even to the best of men.

And it is with this omen that underlines my birthday today.

With my saturday burned by the Gryphon Social Entrepreneurship Symposium coverage plus the photo editing, it was too my utmost frustration to wake up today to a 'delivery failed' notification about the photos I sent to Corporate Comms... Church ate my morning, buying a prime lens and sometime else I will elaborate later burned my afternoon, and I now have to contend with homework, more photo editing and sending, and well, stress. No time to even exercise.

So what was that something else? An iPhone 4... After all the ranting about conformism and wasting time, money and space buying such commercialized, artificial needs... I was pressured into buying it by my mother. I cannot explain the amount of rage that I felt over spending $480, twice the amount of a lens, 6 times the amount of a video game... for a smart phone which could possibly lure you into addiction to social networking and casual gaming. I quote Plato, "For excessive freedom is nothing but excessive slavery." Everyone has different interpretations of quotes, so I will not explain this one because well I have other things to do right now...

So how? The iPhone shall hence forth have no facebook, no tweeter, absolutely nothing fancy. Please. It will store my rage at, ironically, the device itself, and my maybe some of my soul... I do not blame it, I'm just ashamed of using it in public.

Its close to the magic hour of photography, time to go back to work. So begins 17 year old life.

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An apt song. A decent movie. A symbolic reflection.

Paradoxical leadership

Do you notice the burden the most important leaders in a group tend to bear? 

Like after SYF 2011 this year, (WOO VS CHOIR GWH) I observed that the three heads (the chair, vice-chair and student conductor) were less happy than the rest. I think to them, having worried so much, having pushed so hard, its just, hard to feel happy, but instead relieved, that you've done a good job at least, that you've fulfilled your responsibility.

Well in all honesty, I am shocked and scared at my exco results.

You could imagine my expectations to be of a speck of dust, and the results to be erm... MOUNT EVEREST. 

I'm the RPS Chairperson.

When people tell me that, when people congratulate me for it, when I just think about it at home, instead of a dose of dopamine, I get an unpleasant lurch. A reminder of how much work I have to do, of how much I want to do, of how crazy my life may just have begun. I've never been in such a position before. The closest was Section Leader, and let's be honest, its often more of a follow basic instructions, add a bit of your spunk and personality, and you're good to eat go for that kind of position. When you're well, this is going to sound horribly arrogant (at least to me), kind of in the most important position, the person who may well have to decide on a lot of things knowing you'll be knocked down if you don't, knowing people will remember you as a loser if you don't... its well... lets put it this way. 

DAMN HELL STRESS ZOMG.

BUT OH WELLZ. I guess I can count on such a great the bestest, awesomest team in town. So even with all this stress and self-doubt... we've got only one option left: just do it. Exactly how I confronted my 2.4km, by the motto screw it just run. 

Hope to achieve the following:

1. A great farewell for the seniors!

2. Re-read my Nikon D90 Manual!

3. Get a prime lens, 50mm 1.4 or something :x for better night shots without a tripod

4. Improve my mad skillz my competence in the art of photography... DRASTICALLY.

5. SOMEHOW get everyone in the CCA closer :D

6. Erm erm erm... NEED TO DISCUSS MORE FIRST haha xD

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CLICHE ONE: HOPELESS SUNET FANATIC

 CLICHE TWO: FORGIVE ME I WAS ON A MOVING BUS

 CLICHE 3 WITH A TWIST

Just another double post for mood swings and epiphanies

You know when people say they're praying for you? I don't know what to feel. Heartened? I guess. Feels awkward. I just don't like receiving help all that much, especially if its secret. Like if you gave me a handicap during a game without telling me and I thought I actually had standard in that game... Bah.

But I have no qualms about giving to others (contradiction much!) if its a little inconvenience for me. (If it was like some life-changing thing or maybe some very difficult task of course I'll have to consider) I don't exactly like praying for stuff, even if I was a full-blown theist, I find it discomforting to ask for stuff (reasonable) and get it... what have I done to earn it? Ya know? Feels as if, (although its a 'slippery slope' logical fallacy) I might become lazy and just ask for stuff, instead of working for it. But I guess if its for someone else...

I don't know what made me do it, I just, felt like it. Seeing decent (more than that) people struggling (with their PI)... I just felt, a bit helpless, a bit guilty, a bit sorrowful. So I pray for you Jia Lok, no matter if I'm a 'full' theist (in this case, Christian) or not. Because he might just be a friend worth converting for.

Currently - Irritated

So this is those kind of rant post that just happens at the moment. Thought I'd just type it out.

Tomorrow is the so-called PW PI deadline for most.

So, the usual chatter of last-minute chiongers, who, to my utmost annoyance, still score better than diligent students. Not to be arrogant, but compared to my class, I seem a diligent pupil.

THAT IS JUST. FUCKED UP.

Mhm. To all these assholes who didn't give any fucking shit in class and bombarding the attentive pupils in class with stupid questions answered by the teacher before, and or who only sit up and do work when the deadline is less than half a day away and is counted in exams... Here's something for you.

_|_

OK. I understand you. Of course.
You had a lot of homework.
Your teacher happens to suck.
You didn't realize the deadline was tomorrow.
You were busy.
You didn't see this part or missed out this point.

I can understand all these reasons. But the list is not complete.
Has my generation become the individualistic, self-important youths of America?

Scenario 1: You really like, say, this book. Your friend learns about it, and says it sucks. You rage because you really love that book. Then he asks you to 'chill'. Although no one party is right, I'm fucking pissed a little saddened that your friend cares not about your feelings anymore, because if he does, he should understand that since you seem so passionate about this book, obviously you like it very much, and his statement was kind of offensive, even if you don't like the book very much, or was joking. Nope, your friend thinks you should 'relax', stop being such an angry douche. Amazing.

Our society puts others into their own shoes instead of putting themselves in others. What does this lead to? Inexhaustible amounts of teasing and people of strong character getting constantly bullied just because they put all their effort into tolerating it, for your friendship.

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"If people try to judge you, by how much you make, then you give them this!" Suddenly thought of high ministerial pay when I typed that.



This guy is actually part of the like, poetry slam movement, ya know what I'm saying?

TRIPLE POST? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

FUCK.
JUST FUCK.
Suffice to say that I fucking screwed up my planning for taking shots for Montage 2011 Photography competition. Theme 'What if'

1. You can submit up to 4 entries, not just one. I only thought of one entry till now. How can you possibly just send one photo! What a pathetic excuse for a photog exco wannabe!!!

2. There are TWO competition that are COMPULSORY for me. Apparently they just changed the title photo story to photo essay in my senior's email, making me think its talking about the accompanying essay with the photo for the first compeition. So besides 'what if'. There is also a photo story competition WHICH I HAVE DONE NOTHING.

3. Deadline: Tomorrow. YOU'RE A GENIUS LIKEEN

Contradiction Double Post - The other side of the weekend

Oh my... Mood swing to the max.

Maybe its cause we just passed the boundary of half the long weekend...

Feeling rather empty. All the nostalgia of listening to old music over and over, with current affairs somehow eerily similar all the time. Homework that needs to be done but not being done... Old games, finished again and again and longing for the Witcher 2. Little to no contact with my friends, eating the same damn meals. Nothing new. No excitement. Even the election results were expected. I can't tell what I'm feeling, is it sad or is it comfort? When we grow old, what if we're all by ourselves, just watching, and waiting... Boredom? Depression? Feeling really heavy. VERY VERY heavy. Can faith cure it? So far, not yet, it has only made me feel worse most of the time. I just don't have time to do everything, and no one is giving me any instructions.

I need a new game to pre-occupy myself. Or just someone to talk to, or a new movie. I embrace solitude because oft people are so obsessed with socializing they shortchange themselves, they become part of the many, nothing special sometimes. By themselves, I find people at their most interesting, at their most sincere, loneliness and strength. Maybe I need to come out of the closet, start sharing music again, be fearless.

Maybe I've become so anti-superficial I have disconnected with life and the world. Immersed so deeply in literature, lore, history, and fantasies that I have become an empty shell, dissociated.
Maybe huge chunks of myself were lost when I stopped playing Scrabble, when the holidays ended and I no longer see Yan Zhou, Xun Yi, Hong Jie, etc. that often, when I wasn't given the mandate to sing with a group songs of actual calibre and brilliance, when photography became a chore, when I left VS, when I stopped regular Runescaping with Marcus & Rifdi.
Maybe I've just drank too much coffee.

Weekend

Lately my posts have been fueled by concentrated emotions (~1mol/dm3). So during the weekends when I'm mostly slacking, goofing off and the like, there isn't really much to be angry/depressed over. Its a time when I''m actually happy.

So... LET'S TALK A BIT OF POLITICS.

Firstly, as a left of center person, I am open to change and new ideas, but I always consider the cost and radicalism is a big no-no. I also believe that you don't need to commit to any one party, and even if you do, you don't have to like everything about them, nor support them all the way. In other words, compromise - a big part of any democracy.

Let me just do a quick summary of my views, because if you really want to talk you can just do so elsewhere so not to bore the rest. (If my views seem very radical or hard-line, its just for comical purposes xD) I don't feel like elaborating. So I'll just make it a bunch of asshole statements xD

First up: Pro-PAP/Anti-Opposition views
1. Lofty Western Ideals are pure rubbish. In fact, its garbage and rubbish at the same time. Its GARBISH.
2. Many Voters are RETARDS.
3. The American political system SUCKS.
4. Minimum wage is SPASTIC.
5. Track Record, level of Education and Credentials MATTER.
6. Change is DANGEROUS/RISKY.
7. Money & Economics are IMPORTANT.
8. National Education, maybe a little bit of biasness is NECESSARY.
9. Protests and inciting violence AIN'T COOL.

Now, Pro-Opposition views/Anti-PAP views
1. GRCs are OK, gerrymandering is NOT.
2. 85 - 2 parliamentary standings is BULLYING.
3. Smear campaigns are DIRTY. (No pun intended)
4.Threatening is NASTY.
5. Continuous, blatant rampage of constitutional change and passing of bills is SPARTA MADNESS.
6. Accountability is a MUST.
7. Some competition HELPS, NOT threatens.
8. Apologizing only during elections is WTF.
9.Complacency & Corruption likely HAPPENS.

The election results were pretty predictable IMO.

AND THAT'S IT.

Some entertaining vids.
Darn, wish I could hear LKY in the old days.


NEXT TIME? NEXT TIME? YOU ARE PLAYING WITH YOUR LIFE



For SNSD and Mr Brown fans alike

Raindrops and Shoebags

This is practically a no-no for 'The Secret' fans, but today was a pretty bad day, as predicted yesterday.
Also, the first part of this post, is heavy ranting.

There are just days like that. When you wake up badly (sinus acted up), not to mention late. Then from there you start getting a little moody the whole day. For starters PE wasn't really fun, nor was I of much use to my team (Kaushik, Bryan, Jun Leong, Benedict). All fantastic sportsmen. I just ran all over the place and slipping and sliding through the mud (another omen). I brought my second pair of shoes for nothing, having played Ultimate Frisbee barefoot.

Though it may not have seemed much, I discovered I have started to lose my grip on current issues when Yan Mei asked me to tell her about the news, was a let down for me... GP has been one of my only trademarks left in RI...

Then it was lecture time, and I was phasing in and out of sleep all the time, having attempted a no-coffee lecture, so when Jeremy quizzed me, my response was less than stellar and even a bit cranky. GP followed (YAY!) and I enjoyed a fresh breath of uncanny Kwang Ik insight, coupled with some spicy Zhe Yuan cynicism and totally unresponsive Glenn...

Chinese. Oh god... the same old tricks, with a twist. Now the less attentive students were made to sit in front, but nearly nothing changed, particularly two of my classmates. Doing physics right in front of her face, daring to jest that not allowing them to finish will garner them a white slip from my physics teacher. Reminds me of the day before, where another classmate shouted 'yes!' to a rhetorical question from a pissed off lecturer... At least now, I've changed my tact from harbouring nasty thoughts that border on violent stabbing of certain classmates :x to OPEN nasty thoughts that border on violent stabbing xD I guess its easier to let loose when you really let loose, and joke a little.

After school, I got notes for my GP teacher (hmm have I become her errand boy? xD), apparently the photocopying machine was spoiled, so after I collect my passport at ICA, I would have to go home, or photocopy elsewhere. The heavy rain with lightning meant the former was (NON-APPLICABLE). Throughout the adventures around Lavender and Marine Parade, I realized how annoying carrying a shoebag was. I actually like carrying extra stuff, makes me feel like I have a more balanced center of gravity lol. But not while fiddling with my mp3 player and passports and The Economist.

Spent two hours under minimal shelter, getting constantly sprayed by rain trying to contact my home so that someone can get me an umbrella. Alas, there was a blackout (say goodbye to house phone), my maid was showering (say farewell to handphone), and my younger brother's phone number on my phone was wrong (speaks for itself). I apparently did not know my father came home to fix the blackout, and he could have drove over to get me +_+

When I got home. I just konked out, and when you wake up from that sort of post-exhaustion sleep, you really get very existential and philosophical about life - concluding another day in post-VS Li Keen's life... I wonder if there is such thing as a 'best friend', I never talk to my parents that deeply, and all my current friends are busy all the time... I wonder if this is how patients diagnosed with depression start out.

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As an apology to rambling, I give you three pics from the shortlisted pics I was choosing to use for the photog exco interview that you probably have not seen before.

The first was the only picture not taken with a DSLR but by my old Canon Compact which is unfortunately beyond repair (and warranty). FYI, the building is the VS hostel. You really have to walk and see the world to discover visual secrets photographic gems like that.

The second was shot on a moving bus along the highways skirting around Lake Geneva (which is larger than the island of Singapore xD) in Switzerland. The motion blur from the fence was cropped out, explaining the long-ish proportions.

The third, is a simple butterfly found at MacRitchie. Nothing special really. Which is exactly why I took a picture of it.

It's late, it's normal now

I'd kill myself for sleeping so late if I were still studying at VS... but hell, I need to blog.

I respect men who admit mistakes even after they've defended their argument, after persuading others. Take MM Lee, after so long, admitting his bilingual policy was heavily flawed (and you know how stubborn this guy is in a good way :P).

So I have to take back some things about RJ, and replace them with these.

Life is stress.

This I think, applies to all JC though.

You don't get alienated by RI friends, they welcome you with open arms. But, the system, is not in your favor.

Its true, RP students get priority in CCA slots, they have a whole host of friends that vote for them during the various elections and they're more aware of the system and the school. You will face a disadvantage.

Underwhelming spirit.

Though the spirit here, is way more awesome (yeah Rafblood!) than a whole lot of other JCs, I get the unpleasant 'I don't care about the school' feeling much more now than in VS (nearly non-existent). And the spontaneity is much lacking. There is also a disheartening sentiment of 'RJ always performs' that makes the students apathetic about achievement - its really a norm.

Distance matters

The time travel spent traveling to school increased by roughly 50 minutes to and from from my house. Compounded with longer school hours and heavier assignments - it takes a real toll on your physical and mental health.

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I just had Photog Exco Interviews. Argh. I think I was too joke, not serious enough... OK SCREW THIS. I'M OVER-THINKING AGAIN.

I CONFIRM GET IN ONE I'M JUST TOO AWESOME TO NOT GET IN.

But then... as a JAE student who knows nearly no one, is it really possible to even be considered? <---- SHIT THIS PESSIMISM. ONCE AGAIN, ALL CONTRADICTIONS ARE OVERPOWERED BY THE ONE CRUCIAL FACT: I'M DAM AWESOME.


Haiz. Sorry if I didn't choose your pics, believe me, to whomever I asked, I really put my time into considering all your choices and opinions. In the end, the photographers sort of 'veto-ed' certain earlier choices. I have no qualms that some of my fellow exco nominees are gifted photographers, and I'm very grateful for helping me choose the photos, and loosening the tension before the interviews.

These are the pictures I considered. The 2nd one was edited further with guidance from the IHC photog competition winner (in other words, the person who pwned me xD), a really nice scholar from India.

Background behind pictures:
Fish!: Taken in Malaysia, this photo was entered into the IHC photog competition, and got runners-up for the theme 'Vigour'. My personal take? I love the way the fish actually scramble OUT of the water like a fish out of water and open their mouths to consume the limited supply of fish food. The different colored Koi fish add vibrance and dynamism to this high shutter speed shot.

Frozen Stream: Located on what is likely the upper course of the river (since its on mountain sides already), this river flows down the alps carrying fresh water that flows into Evian Mineral Water bottles (just look at the color of the river!) The shot was taken in Switzerland while on a moving, albeit slow train ride up the mountain. Personal take? Many people may be put off by the pure, soft colors of this seemingly unimpressive picture, but my fellow photographers agree that is what makes it so special - the pure, unadulterated landscape of snow and frost, matched with the pure spring water color leading the viewer into the mountain-scape. Hell, even my senior asked if she can cope that pic! < I WAS SO DAM HAPPY SHE LIKED IT

The Helix: One of the icons of the recently opened Marina Bay Sands Hotels in Singapore, the bridge embodies the fluid-like, yet rigid structure of DNA, of metal that is both malleable and hard. Personal take? The strange thing about architecture to me is how it can depict rhythm and flow will remaining tall and firm. I also like the picture for the clear reflection of MBS in the backdrop, as well as the vast visual presence my lovely <3 D90 was able to take despite the need for a super high depth-of-field and angle.

And then BAM! It hit me. Fish? Inside the river. Bridge? Over the river. THEY ARE RELATED.

The Uncommitted - Dragging my feet

Raffles Photog Society (RPS) Exco elections ahead.

One of the items I'm to bring are three of my 'best' photos. Shit.

Underpinning the issue is really my inherent 'un-commitment' to anything. I claim to do this, claim to know that, but when it boils down to it, there are always people who are so much more specialized, so much more passionate then me. In photog, some nominees make trips to Jurong Bird Park to take pictures, or just go out one day to take photos. They learn about different equipment, they buy them, they are actual enthusiasts.

Bottom line: I'm lazy.

All I do during the weekends, is relax, play computer, read current affairs, stalk people's blogs, exercise. It's not a matter if I can get in to the exco or not. It's a matter of if I'm even capable of leading. It is not in my interest to bring down a CCA, isn't it better to just drop out and let a more passionate leader take the job? If I fight for it, get in, and become a blur and inactive chair, it not only reflects badly of me, I'll also be pulling the whole gang down with me. I don't really think I have much leadership qualities. I'm just a pathetic follower.

That being said, it may just be because of the CCA itself. If it were the choir, I think I would have a clearer goal on what to do. RPS? Chucks you into elections after 2 weeks (for 2nd round-ers) of being in the club, barely knowing anyone, barely knowing anything at all about the CCA.

Furthermore, there's really just too many people to feel an attachment. Back in VS media club, there was this dedicated handful of students who slaved at the yearbook, and covered every event (I reckon Mr Zabid and Mr Tan had me on speed dial). That made me all the more committed because I had a crack team with me, who shared (oh shit gay part) special moments together, just going lunch at PP and giving up capitalizing people's names. Even in VS choir, despite the throng of singers, I felt an attachment. We bonded with our own section, our own batch-mates, our own small groups, and they just intertwined and made the experience whole. It was a privilege to serve VS choir as a section leader.

However, in RPS, the sessions are helmed by seniors who just lecture us on camera techniques and other related topics like OPs coverage, and members talk among their cliques, seniors among theirs. During outings, the so-called groups stray apart, members don't even share photos with the rest, seniors don't debrief. It's just come for it, sign your attendance, and go. Nowadays I dread CCA, not look forward to it like I used to, and I'm scared it'll remain this way. How can I even be a leader like this? What is with this competitive environment, is it exactly as Joshua said? Could it be because now positions are fought for, no longer chosen by higher authorities? 

The environment is awfully cold in this CCA to me. Members churn out lingo and technical terms I cannot be bothered to comprehend, has photography been reduced to camera models and lens?

And I cannot shake another feeling. That I'm just being a sore loser. Because I'm inadequate, in skill and equipment and passion, so I'm just getting angry at everyone else. That I'm jealous. That everyone's lives in RJC is going great in my eyes. That I'm the bottom feeder of the lot. That I can never be as good as others, that I thought I could be.

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Ironic that I'm not posting a picture and talking about RPS. Or is it a form of silent protest against the whole election process? Or a change of topic meant to balance and give rest to every post? Sounds cheem. I think the best answer is: I JUST LIKE THIS DAM MUSIC.