Network Connection Lost

Connection Lost
Did you know I missed you?
If only you could know.
Trapped within this wired age,
To be unplugged my greatest foe.

Just across from the city,
I leave my thoughts in note.
Maybe one day you could hear me,
Some day across this moat.

We all know that frustration - the modem mashing; and telephone thrashing.
That anger that we've lost someone with no way of telling.

Connection lost oh connection lost! 
Network won't you tell her?
Tell her that I miss her.
Just leave behind some trace. I know,
She'll check, just in case.

Autumn Leaves
I came upon a strip of wooden houses,
Their walls grand and in decay.
I saw those autumn leaves just falling,
I watched them swing and sway.

I watched you sitting upon a flight,
Steps leading to one of those houses.
I watched you in your curious place,
Reluctant to enter despite what wander arouses.

And still the day went on and I dared not creep in too,
I was afraid of commitment but worse,
Disappointment and looking like a fool.

I just wished all day you'd catch an autumn leave,
Or invite me in one day.
But instead on and on I swayed...

Don't leave me drifting, 
Don't leave me outside,
Tell me it can be more than just okay.

Without my iphone in camp. I need a 'date' for social night 3 months away. OCS less than perfect but I'll get by. Tired.

Buddy?

Perhaps I can't do this alone.

When I'm tired, when I'm lost. When I wish time would just stay still for a while more, let the calm proceed longer before the storm. Time means more to me now, money less so. Suddenly willing to cab more.

And out of all this I know i truly long for someone. Maybe not a relationship, though undoubtedly it has crossed my mind many times. But at least a buddy whom I know will be with me throughout. No don't even mention my BMT one. Bad start to an OK end. I don't know... I guess sometimes I just felt so alone in BMT. I felt distant from my platoon mates. I remember i went up myself to the 6th floor to clean the platoon 4 bunks without my friends first, only to find out the timing was changed and i was half an hour early. But i tell you at that time i relished that alone time, just wiping away listening to songs.  I don't know why either... Bah. Why can't i bring my iphone to safti :/

Culture Shock

BMT is over.

And all of a sudden, everything was gone.
No more platoon mates, no more ferry, no more 4th coy.

And yet I don't feel anything. All the cliches and all the memories.
Nope.
Nada.
Zero.

It's cold and I'm at a lost how different things are. It would seem I was not that adaptable after all. Or at least, that island was never my element.

I hate to say it. But I hate it. The culture, the people I guess. Not that they are of bad character. No. Just... not compatible. I guess. A culture shock that had a delayed effect. Again.

Or is it just another cycle of emotions? Sounds gay heh.

Somehow the army has made me less patriotic. It has brought to my attention the apathy and scum that live here. I didn't meet a single soul that said "I would defend Singapore if I went to war".

And yet army has made me a little more matured and a little humbler. More sensitive to what I cannot do, how different I am. The contradictions and hypocrisy I've made.

It is sobering to finally understand truths constantly reminded, but constantly refused.

Resigned

A cycle again. I thought perhaps I may uphold a happy spirit for a long time. 

But there will be times of reclination.

No, it is not a defeat of any sort, merely an understanding that it is alright to be different in different circumstance.

I remembered that I didn't like how people acted differently to different people. I was merely a fool for believing you could be sincerely yourself around everyone. Surely it would be more polite to adjust accordingly when necessary, despite holding on to some fundamentals of course.

Stubbornness beckons me back to my cave. I say I'm tired, or am i just childish?
Often I find myself a fool for going back in the first place, and then the other way around.

But in any case, that cycle only seems to happen around certain groups of friends. So it shall be that it may be better I keep my emotions in check; back to basics for this blog.

About friends at 3AM

It's 3AM. And in case you misunderstood the title, I mean talking about friends at 3AM.

Irrelevant until the audience find a connection; an abstract artist at work.

It is undeniable now, that I much prefer my school friends to my platoon mates. What can I say? What should I say? I guess I'm giving up on trying to explain away the frustration and moodiness I have in camp. Why bother I ask myself... They don't seem to bother. Or maybe they can't tell. There's nothing to it but a clash of personalities. Does pride hold me back? Yes, I think I have stooped to aloofness in such a setting. What can I do but self-preservation of my dignity? Such is a capitalist economy of pride - there will be winners and losers. A sign of weakness merely welcomes more flame and beckons further instigation.

Shall I then, just recline as usual? Back off and stay quiet. In truth, it is not my natural and happy state of being. But no, I have lost. So I will retreat. I have lost the war of bastard-ing, the war of telling jokes that are not really funny to me (when repeated so many times) but involves insulting others and is therefore funny. The war of who is the cooler kid, the less child-ish and naive. The age war. No it seems I have been herded like the rest into a segregated system of meritocracy. Not even my inclinations to the other side can permit me to blend in.

Instead I will rest. I am tired of playing the jig-saw piece. I will move back to where I know I'm content but not fulfilled. To where I'm happy but not excited. But it is far better anyway than to excuse yourself from being yourself or to pretend you enjoy the company of people you utterly despise. No matter my humane-ness, if they do not understand it.