Emptiness and despair

Emo title eh? Actually I'm just very very lost right now. It always happens when I finish a game. "What do I do now?" I really have no clue. I'm definitely not in the mood for homework, because I find it difficult to do something 'with no end in sight'. Maybe I should be a 'D', result oriented.

So I just finished playing a game which I cannot reveal online. What am I doing playing 2 weeks from the Prelims? Well I don't find it affects me very much. If I don't play I sleep. If I force myself to study I fall asleep. Coffee doesn't help if I got no motivation. If you still don't trust me, the most I can say is my parents do and so far its OK. I'm not about to run rampant and spam Maple Story <---this game sucks. <----- This statement is subjective.

So continuing, I'm lost and its of paramount of importance I find another game or something to do. I do my work with the goal in mind to relax and play, so with the loss of interest in a game comes the loss of interest in work as well. Its a blessing and a curse, because its easy to motivate myself yet risky.

I'M BOREDDDDD.
Vindicated by Dashboard Coffesional. What kind of band name is that? No clue. It is the Official Sound Track (OST) of Spider-man 2. I like both the tune and the meaning, because I get very irritated when I don't get a chance to explain themselves or when other people don't genuinely listen and end up doing stupid things or making bad choices.

Identity: Incessant Talker

In sec 2 I was ID (I think), now I'm IC. What hasn't change? The Inability to stop talking. Haha. Apparently I'm supposed to be influential and have a good sense of homour. However, maybe its because all the AEP students are probably Is too that they don't take advice or like my jokes very much.

I do fear rejection though, and yes, coach Zhi Hong is right, I do find it awkward when no one talks.

I thought the test is quite accurate because the attributes are quite close to who I am. I can't stand loneliness yet I like to be lonely at times. So the opposite blend is quite pertinent. I fear both rejection and being criticized. I thrive on compliments and am a perfectionist. I quite readily take the role of public speaking and am excited to share thoughts outloud but get really nervous when I do. I like to play and prefer to be laid back, but efficiency is also my number one concern.

Is are supposed to be actors, DJs etc. Yet Cs are supposed to be scientologist and researchers. Hmm, Humanities VS Science? I feel that my I side is pulling down my C side and vice versa. I can't seem to excel in both areas yet am quite infallible to their weaknesses. Frustrated right now.

The chorus super easy to harmonize man! The lyrics is somewhat meaningful too. The original music video is err inappropriate for how I interpret the song.

Mathematical Reinclination

Today I did a one hour notice A-maths mock test. I think its my most favourite maths paper in VS paper. No graphs and a whole lot of proving questions.

Very brain-stimulating. I lot of people like easy papers, I think I prefer difficult ones.

Weird? Well to me when you face easy papers you are 'expected' to do well, so its a lot of pressure. Plus difficult papers challenge your mind so its definitely more fun then doing tedious sums that are no-brainers.

I feel a bit more passionate about maths now.

NSP was fun with You Duen and Jin Xiang. I think I don't mind NSP again. Though I mind 9pm AEP.

Always look on the bright side; at least get to eat dinner out with friends.

Our conversation went a little deeper than the one I had with Jaren and You Duen during LC. Mostly about kindness and altruism. It made me wonder how I got myself to be so optimistic. They were kind of against me about kindness. I remember where I learnt it from...

Watching Fairly Odd Parents haha. The episode was about how Timmy did all sorts of acts of kindness without receiving gratitude, some even scolding him for being extra. He wished himself never born in defiance thinking that the people around him would be worse off without him. He realized it wasn't true and surrendered himself to non-existence. Jorgen (I don't know how spell) initially was meant to magically make him disappear from existence permanently but did not in the end, saying that Timmy surrendering himself for the better of others was altruism and selfless, which was what he must learn before he can return to being born.

He went on to say (in his usual harsh but strangely wise tone) that you do deeds of kindness because you should and not because you expect something in return. In other words, true kindness comes from the heart.

It sort of struck me and I ever since I've tried abiding to that mantra.

I wish there were more or these kinds of cartoon episodes and cartoons for that matter. Not some crap like Tom and Jerry, which to me implies that robbing someone's food is OK cause you can get away with it and not that small people should stand up to bullies. Tom isn't a bully to me, his a cat, his job is to catch thieving mice. His a policeman. So I think its a really horrid show.

Full moon tonight. I experimented with a funky tripod position where the camera is vertical, I know how to do it now. I seemed to have caught on Mr Munir's funky syndrome.

Luck

My lucks been pretty bad my whole life. I did have some lucky things happen to me before, but thats when the chances were high it would happen due to prior preparation or analytical decisions.

So in a way I have to create my own luck, should have figured that out sooner...

Went to take Elgin Bridge this morning, and it rained. Should have checked the weather forecast.

Then at night went to the Helix and had to walk an extra 4 km because of road closure. Should have checked when were NDP rehearsals.

I'm self blaming because I can't rely on luck, its probably why I'm so perfectionist. I don't want to take any chances.

Sigh, I estimated that AEP takes about 18 hour a week, so about 800 hours  a year. Why is it a sigh? You tell me.

We are Scientists - The Great Escape. Was stuck in my head for like a week. I think the band had a song in Burnout 3 which has a nice soundtrack suitable to the game. It could have been song, can't remember.

Political Intrigue

I've decided to remove the playlist at the bottom because its stupid. Music isn't words, anyway it gets cluttered and I'd rather I enjoy my own music.

So two hours waiting for Listening Compre to start, what to do what to do. Lucky I met You Duen and Jaren before went down, caused the chance meeting led to a 1 hour + conversation on everything under the sun, but mostly about Democracy VS Communism, Singapore, etc etc.

I just realized how INBA the match was! It seemed that on every topic, one person opposes, one person for, one person neutral. Was really fun and time just flew past as we discussed. I just feel right at home in these kinds of topics. Haha, geeky? Don't know, don't care. Jaren did convince me to reconsider environmental engineering though, I mean, though it is fast advancing and has a rapidly increasing market for it, it won't be big enough when I look for a job. Finally! I can actually use these kinds of advice and opinions. Thanks You Duen and Jaren.

Went to St Patrick's bus stop again. I never really fathomed that anyone would possibly consider cheating in a major examination. Its just, wrong. I never imagined anyone could stoop to such a level, and yet I eavesdropped a bit (oops) and some students were just casually talking about HOW they cheated. St Patrick's is not suppose to be such a bad school. If normal (acad) and express stream students are as such, what are normal (tech) students like?

Why even consider cheatin!? As You Duen clearly put, 'You siao ah?!' When someone suggested cheating. A school examination is bad enough (and still some people persist even in VS), but a major examination like the 'O' level? Do you realize how bloody unfair it is to us? The students who HAVE AN OUNCE OF INTEGRITY LEFT. I'm so lucky I started this blog. Maybe I started it like School Of Thought; "We were troubled by the indifference of youths..." lol.

Tommorrow is the first till 9pm AEP session. Ironically it is the AEP teachers that are sometimes the most inflexible, stubborn even. They seem to think a one-size fits all works. I understand their concern over our coursework, but I really can't occupy myself with work for that long. Same reason why they shouldn't have made the ESP students hardcore study from 1pm to 9pm today. I think balance is always the best option.

Though muse definitely has some Tze Yang-ish songs, they are quite a versatile band in my opinion, and the vocals are very nicely controlled and unique. The subtle change from real voice to falsetto even with the weird 'going flat' tone. OK choir stuff overload, I must be experiencing cold turkey.

ElectiveProgramtic Induction

The likeen LIM dreads the AEP homework lines produced by the permanent coursework. The likeen LIM experiences a change in emotional flux that induces an e.m.f (effing mortifying fear) and hence an induced current (of hatred and anger) that flows through the body and causes a long-lasting deflection in the brain.

Many classmates joke about how AEP sucks. (Or are they!? DUN DUN DUN) I a not just saying Hanmo. However, I don't think its as much a joke anymore. Every time I think AEP, I dread. Do I feel betrayed? Some time ago I still vouched for all AEP teachers, but now I can see they want to be popular with the students more than be a role model and leader.

Just a month ago I bought and brought A2 blackboards from popular to class. Mdm Ow, my kindred english teacher would have said, "Oh I'm so sorry I didn't tell you we don't use those anymore. I'm so sorry, I'll make it up to you, want a lollipop?" Sure it feels a bit degrading when you are treated like a child. But I don't mind, if up till now your still worried about these things, you have yet to grow up. Accept the fact that some teachers are like that, but the message is the teacher actually cares.

Lets shift back to how Mr Tan responded. "Li Keen! Your so old-fashioned, we don't use those anymore!" *Sniggers and laughs heartily at my foolishness*. Thanks, that makes me feel all better. Thanks for killing my enthusiasm for AEP. And thanks for making me realize that its not my duty to oppose anyone who complains about the teachers. If you can't beat 'em, join em. So ironically I've been welcomed with open arms into the club of talking about AEP teachers behind their backs.

Ultimately, it is true that we desire our peer's friendship and respect rather than teachers most of the time. It is a sad world, but I'm not depressed this time. I'm not ashamed, because I really have deep-seated, deep-rooted dislike for AEP.

Am I getting more angsty that I should be? Maybe I'm lapsing into a late pubescent mood. Help me resolve this, I can't do it alone.

Yesterday at boat quay, though deeply disappointed at Cavenagh bridge turning off their lights, had a chance dinner with a nice view of NDP rehearsal fireworks.

The injustice of tolerance

‘阿姨！你为什么让他插队呢？’‘对。。。对。。。那是不应该的。。。。。你下次不可以这样做。。。’我看起老板的脸就知道她也不敢责骂那位4E学生。很多次了，我只忍让。可是现在我受不了。那位学生给我那个bui song的脸。

这是不是报仇呢？其实，我小学时候也插队的。。。我知道是错的。可是，那是因为我每天吃一样的东西。‘一块面加辣椒家一立鱼圆’。因此，摊位的老板让我插队；每天吃一样东西，只要我走上去他就把汤放进碗里，加三个汤匙的辣椒就行了，所以没有人抱怨。

那我是否是口是心非的人呢？我必须那么生气呢？他也只是一位学生而已，必要这么不耐心呢？我觉得要。到中四还执迷不悟，长大后呢？这样的行为，如果不快决解一定会让那位插队的人想：‘如果做坏事没有被捉到就可以做’或‘他们不插队是他们的事’。

Where's Mr Chia? Catching people who are late for class BECAUSE their line was cut earlier by another who got away with it? Where are the prefects? Busy catching 'smugglers' I suppose. Is it a manpower shortage? I think its so much easier to catch people cutting queues than people hiding foodstuff and bringing them up to class. All it takes is for at least one prefect to patrol the lines to give some extra authority. So even if he missed the person who cut, someone else in the line can rat him out to an authority figure. Right now, no ones doing anything. Is it because they don't know who to tell? Is it because their afraid? Is it because they don't care?

Well people, I've got something to tell you. How many shows have you watched where the oppressed masses overthrow the tyrant? Your just going to let some asshole waste your time and bully us? Are you hoping some day Mr Chia will be there all the time?

And to the people who cut lines, explain to me how cutting queue is NOT a selfish act. You can't? So your selfish? Your just going to resign to that fact that your a loser? That you don't have to courage to change your attitude for what's right? The inner strength to admit your mistakes? This is not 1980's USSR, the foodlines are not 4 hours long, and let me tell you if you cut a line there, you can say goodbye to your wife and children KGB style.

Still mourning from the picture genocide. Millions of pixels lost their lives yesterday. Forever they will be remembered for their brave sacrifice for the greater good of their photographer and his bid for 'O' Level Art. *Sniff sniff*

Picture Genocide

I've just been informed (through eavesdropping) that posting O level coursework stuff online is not cool, and could make all my freaking efforts void. So I have to delete them sorry! The main picture title was rushed to replace the breach.

As a display of how sucky this rule is, no pic.

Unclassed: Without social status

An infuriating 45 minutes I waited for '155' to appear again. Then another 5 minutes for '40' compensated for lost time. While walking home from the bus stop, a person tapped me on the shoulder.

It was a St Patrick's student. "Hey didn't see you at the bus stop just now!" I thought what any Singaporean would have thought had a stranger just say something like that. 'Do I know him?' I hastily replied, "Yeah I was standing in a corner."
"Where do you stay?"
"Nearby."
"What bus do you take to school in the morning?"
"Actually my father brings me there."
"Wah so lucky ar!"
"Its so close by, plus he has to go to work anyway."
 "Oh, I don't see you often, CCA ar?"
"No, my class is special... (I thought of ESP) Not in a bad way though. We take extra subjects."
"Oh what subject?"
"Art Elective and Core Geography, aside from History Elective."
"What class you from?"
"4D"
"Huh?"
"4D"
"What the fuck is that?"
"Secondary 4, D class."
"What the fuck? I'm from 3E2"
"Secondary 3 Express 2?"
He didn't answer. "Were you in St Pats in Sec 3?"
"No"
"Wait... what school you from?"
"VS"
"OHHHHH. I thought you were from St Pats"
"You can tell from the school bade I'm wearing."
"Oh I didn't see that."
He looked hesitant or embarrassed, I couldn't tell. I stamped put the urge to say 'So you just go talking to other St Pats students like that?'
"Where do you stay?" He continued, smiling again.
"Down the road."
"Do you live next to me?"
"Nah, next to the large house there."
He stretched out his hand, "(His name)"
"Nice to meet you.", grabbing his hand and shaking it.
"Your name?"
"Li Keen."
"Sorry?"
"Li Keen." (I get that a lot)
"See ya!"
That is a conversation I'd like to have. The whole time I thought he was an ex-VS student, and he thought I was a St Pats student. The social barrier that usually divides different schools didn't exist, and I wish there were more people like him; friendly. He was more engaged in the conversation than me and Ryan, a VS neighbour. Was that the ideal communist situation? Everyone is equal, there is no need to keep to yourself or fear rejection. Out of 100s of bus captains I've greeted, only 3 responded. Sometimes I just wonder how other countries are, Thailand, land of smiles, America, people striking up conversation on the road. Is it really true? Meanwhile Singapore, land of in-earphones. Wow.

Saturated Cavenagh. Sorry pics removed! Breach of examination rules

The bus stop

Scorching weather and a lack of funds pushed me to take the long path home by changing buses at St Patricks Secondary School bus stop.

I waited patiently outside Victoria School, thinking about what I'd do when I got home. A group of my Thai classmates interrupted my thoughts. Watching Despicable me? Dang, wish I could tag along. After they left, my thoughts drifted towards going home to my warm, cosy bed and taking a rejuvenating nap, it fueled my longing for the bus number 155 to come sooner. At last, I glimpsed a purple and red bus turn a corner in the distance.  I got up in anticipation, only to sit down again. '135'. Disappointed though I was, I patiently awaited my bus again.

When it finally came, I boarded the bus, greeting the captain 'evening' in hestitation though it was only 3.15pm. I sat through the short bus trip. Sporadically I thought of my bed and each successive time my tiredness grew until I nearly succumbed to exhaustion. Thankfully my mind stayed sharp lest I repeat this year's friday the 13th and walk an extra 2 kilometers home.

I reached Saint Patricks and alighted with an assuring 'beep' behind me. I walked slowly and coolly towards the traffic light and tapped the button. It was not long before I was on the opposite side, standing at the bus stop. Like a bolt out of the blue, a loud horn erupted on my left, shocking me momentarily. I looked instinctively on for the cause and found it: a St Patrick student smiling wryly at his attempt to jay walk. I don't mean to be condescending, but whatever draconian punishment they are enduring, it isn't working. Do teenagers really have the natural proclivity to be indecorous rebels?

The culprit crossed the street in the end (still jay walking) and brushed past me. Meeting him there, I hazard a guess, was his 'gang'. One boy was dressed in full black with large ear studs and hair that could have passed off as a bridesmaids' hairdo during a wedding. Another with a fag in his hand, squatting like a hokkien peng. Has it maybe occured to him that he may one day get lung cancer and die? Is it then that he finally gets rudely awakened from his teenage dream of popularity? Its just unfathomable that someone would knowingly waste their lives like that.

Is it pride? Does he want to prove to everyone he didn't make a bad decision when he took that first ciggeratte? Is he trying to prove it to himself? Is he perhaps under the delusion that smoking is cool? Maybe in the short-term, but when he grows old and grey, he will be but an empty shell of regret. Are these kids, these young adults, the future of Singapore? Short-sighted, petulant, sulky and derisional young adults? I wonder if they may ever realize this.

Out of the corner of my eye, a welcome sight approached. I boarded bus '40' and thought no more. So ended another negative encounter at the Saint Patricks bus stop.

I love many songs, of all genres. This one is totally different from the RS and AOM music I've been preaching about, I'd just like you to know I'm not obsessed with anything, I can appreciate almost all music.
Breaking Benjamin - Blow me away

I'm looking to talk, why not anyone else?

You know, I often find myself in a shape of awkwardness when I walk together with someone else whom I'm not familiar with, don't hang out with (e.g. friends friend. Btw thanks jia lok finally understand what I.e. means haha) or have conflicting ideals with. That's why I always try to make some small talk to gain some common ground. Well, as I've learn it doesn't work if the other person can't sense it and doesn't reciprocate.

I mean, I really dislike the feeling of walking with someone whom shows no emotion, no feelings towards me. Haha sounds gay. Unfortunately I'm not very good at starting conversations. Me: "Hey what's that made of?" *points to Vegetarian fried something* Darius "I don't know. " What a lengthy conversation. I'm an idiot.

Sigh... I'm really sad and despo aren't I? I feel that I'm just making worse, but really it can't get any worse than walking with someone who doesn't seem to like you one bit. No eye contact. No friendly smile. Long, awkward pauses between short conversations. I mean, it hurts really bad... seriously. I feel really depressed about it after that. Why didn't I just walk alone? I wonder if this is how Calvin feels.

And I get this sort of situation quite often cause I sometimes fetch my neighbour Ryan to school. I once blurted out, "Why don't we talk or something?" His response: "Why?" So why? Why is it I just HAVE to talk all the time? Am I naturally annoying? No. Shut up. Screw the idiots who say that. I want to be everyone's friend, so common space is always a start isn't it? Sam and I became good friends probably cause of our similar interest in runescape. When I start a conversation, he smiles and cuts back with a witty remark, then one topic leads to another. He sometimes starts conversations too. I wish more people were like him...

I'm just frustrated. Why don't you talk people? I want to be closer friends! Is it destiny? Has it been written down somewhere in some divine power's rule book that some people just can't be good friends? I'm starting to think so. I guess if your personality difference is too great, you can't really do anything can you? This world is depressingly cold.

The building may be teeming with life or looming with gloom. The facade shows nothing but gray emotion, dwarfing us in cold contempt. Its kind of how I perceive the people who show no interest in talking with me as forth mentioned.
Pic removed! Examination rules breached

紧张

华文口试明天。

陈老师给我班怎么多资料，我觉得只能帮一些。在那么少的时间自内，连最聪明的学生也不能读而记住那么多东西。咳！真希望老师们给我多一点鼓励！陆出一个笑容就行了。

我觉得很恐怕呀！两位陌生的老师。他们是哪一样的老师呢？是否是两位严格的老师？我一踏进考试场就会知道了。最怕的是我不懂会话题目。记得我去年口试会话题目是青奥运会，我什么也不懂。。。

要有信心 要有信心。。。