Thursday, 20 April 2017


Either I'm just more free to be extra sensitive when I'm watching films alone, or I'm watching 'these' kinds of movies precisely only when I'm alone, probably both. They're kind of like novels in a way, where the only one escaping is me. In the space.

I watched both Blade Runner and Her, and the former is really good, and smart, but I think a lot of people know that, plus obviously both from recency and because the it's sappy and about relationships, I'm talking about the latter. (Just like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Nick and Nora's infinite playlist). 

But what am I supposed to write about? That I identify with the main character even though he has done some inexcusable creepy things? Am I supposed to pity the patriarchy now? It's sad of course, and the show's (as in, his ex's comments) got a point with him, and I took it too. People obviously hate drama, but if you ain't going to take it, you're probably the selfish one. Because truth be told I'm also sensitive to trivial (to other people) things, but in my self-deceiving self-deception philosophy, I think that holding steadfast to some ideals will help you overcome it. And it probably does to some degree, but not completely. I'm writing so... coherently, and logically... as usual. And trust me I know, I'm sensitive to how... weird that can sound sometimes. Something something edgy teen who's read Nietzche. 

Also true, if I really weren't considering all the practical things like jobs, and future, I might just as well be dating or something (ha! like you could find someone like you), it really does suck.

Her knows that to some degree, what's too good to be true is probably not going to last...
I just took a side-step to read YY's blog. Always liked the simplicity and writing style... I try to do it that way too. It's nice to really read the thoughts of someone who... thinks, in a free-flow, unmasked way? In some respects over here, I've only ever heard it from people I'm genuinely close to or are drunk, which is a bit sad but understandable. In a sense that I think people are afraid of saying what they say because they are afraid they will leave the wrong impression/be judged... and they are and will be, actually. Obviously I feel it to some degree, but I also feel... free, because 'fuck it' basically. But it's been tough... outside of Karen maybe and Dominic, that I feel like people are really... considering their position. What I mean is that I often feel like people are one way or the other in terms of 'social groups', and political views and what not. There's so little... empathy and I guess, this curiosity and drive for inclusion that I've always felt... even though this has frequently just clashed with an instinct of cold toughness (overcompensating? something something toxic masculinity?).

Sigh. Maybe I'll go drop by Drenga.

Saturday, 15 April 2017


What does it mean, to be both skinny, and asian?

I do feel judged, by my looks. Of course. this is natural, whether it is desirable doesn't matter, since I'm largely okay with being empiricist. But it does suck, no?

The only people whom I've really connected with, not given kind of 'you're wasting your time looks' (which is already weird in itself because it assumes I want to hook up with you or something when I really don't care if I just become a friend I can say hi to on Sheridan) are minority groups, it's honestly quite tragic. Somehow that's supposed o be okay though, and honestly it kind of is, since to some degree I observe and do compose myself to be so (that is, I be more of that friendly guy than anything else). But maybe it's that third dimension of power Gaventa is talking about - that I've already self-selected, self-constrained, and it sucks.

It's inescapable, because it depends on other people being woke kind of, and that doesn't happen especially in a fraternity party kind of environment, for real. It's all talking a little weird, and I am lonely and sad about it but also understand it very much, it's just a kind of paradox I've accepted and live with, because to talk more 'laymenly' would be to act, and not be myself, which I cannot really do.

I do like to make people laugh, and sometimes I do feel like Naruto in that sense that I'm being the class clown at my own expense.

Saturday, 8 April 2017


I gotta say, I'm pretty pissed at the frat rn, and not because of shitposting no.
But I reached a sort of petty impasse, so I've just decided to do work and chill by myself, play loud music, etc. The automatic pseudo-angry edgy teen response. Essentially choosing no friend group options just cause I'm paralyzed by the response lol.
I would definitely say people don't give anger it's due. They treat it as a bad thing when maybe it's a symptom of the body healing itself in a way. One remembers that a real mental problem usually involves a lot of apathy and even non-emotion. (Not for everyone though obviously) But it is a coping mechanism, and I think it's normative and stupid to call it 'bad'. It needs to be channeled, and adapted. So no - don't go shout at people, but hey you can listen to some angry music or play the drums and I think that's completely fine. And yes, leave people alone to steam and don't need to patronize them or bother them - let them steam and express.

#21 Jazz/Funk/Spacerock/stufflikethis
This guy is really good and this song has been stuck in my head. Wish I could find bands (which I'm sure exist) that play this sort of music. Orchestral and storyline based and escapist.