Why Lambda Chi was meaningful and important to me

I'm recalling Jeremy Bell coming back from work one day frustrated that his workplace made him go through a lecture on 'building your personal brand'. If you find that not odd at all (the lecture, not his reaction), well idk I guess we won't connect very much. I find such a world where such topics are 'taught' to others as absurd to the extreme and dystopian even. Yet it is pervading across the so-called 'business world' as if business administration and marketing was objective science (and people will swear by it, which I cannot really understand), and now it is treated as such since places like 'investopedia' exist, placing finance on a strange commensurable pedestal as chemistry and history.

Anyway, I felt like despite having differences elsewhere, that kind of weird disgust and cynicism to the ironic consumerism society we live in is what made Lambda Chi's bond together (well mostly, except Armaan), and the variance was in acceptance of that reality and eventually landing a consulting job. I feel like my fault then is that I was self-deceived, I feel like everybody knew it was mostly a joke but I did not and tried to live by principle if I was already joking about it, and nobody is actually on my side and so here goes my mental health as my perspective of the world is torn down. Back to linked in and the sort of banal life we lead anyway.

Musekeweya

Escapist stories. This is what I told Hannah and Cindi on the way to the airport, leaving Kigali, and Rwanda for probably a long while. I also told them this might be the most cheesy-sentimental I’ve felt, probably ever, and probably the most called for. Anyway, a movie marathon is what it is, the escapist stories I mean. La La Land is playing right now, providing a really bittersweet melancholic melody, in piano-heavy jazz. I’m also trying to beat jet lag as quickly as possible (and also, procrastinating on writing all the feelings I have about the program I’ve finished. Oh! Intense fighting started, good dialogue.

I felt like escapism resets the perspective, it helps you skip the sadness toward the gladness that you’ve participated, ‘done the thing’, it reminds you of the greater, yet unfamiliar (to you) world out there.

It’s been close to a week now. An overdue time to reflect after some initial reunion ecstasies. I’ve had flashbacks in fits and starts a few times now, and I’ve been taking every appropriate opportunity to share, as planned. So far, it was Conor that I shared the most with, but more abstract politics, whereas I don’t know where to begin with my host family and friends and just wholesome everyday life. And yes, people aren’t thatttt interested really, outside of some big picture summaries, as expected. I don't hold any grudges against that though, i'ts something understandable and something I probably would have done myself. Plus, people are often I think more interested in your experience rather than the information I want to share, because while the former is personally important and I guess more accessible to others, what I really wish is for people to know more about Rwanda, and to give it a shot. I find myself, I think, thinking about Rwanda sometimes a bit too much like Singapore when it is not.

It's been a few days since I uploaded my photos of Rwanda, in some ways kind of rushed and forced, because I really didn't know what to say. I didn't really think I had the patience to deal with people like Nico, who while jokingly didn't even know 'where in Africa' I went, in some ways also speaks to a larger problem, because I'm sure he would have remembered if I had mentioned going to South Korea.

As with all posts that take longer than a week to write, it's probably time to let it go to rest. I've had really not much respite and time to reflect over my time in Rwanda, sitting here so far away... on no coffee day no less. But I suspect that Rwanda will be in my memories for a blog post years to come, as did JLOC, or London before it. Musekeweya means New Dawn, something that Rwanda has embraced and I must learn.

Who's not here

I think about this a lot. About ‘who’s not here’. And maybe I am overthinking it. But I’ve always found it unequal that loud people don’t suffer from quiet people, only the reverse. And in abstract, this is an extrovert’s world, understandably so. I find it odd that quiet people try to sleep, but don’t really, because of loud people in the next room. I don’t know if this is only because I’ve tried to sleep, without success while loud people were in the next room, while my mom was shouting at my younger brother, or while people partied in the room over. I’ve thought about what is fair - that quiet people are naturally quiet, but also loud people are naturally loud, as I am. Probably, it is just a tragedy of contact, an impasse of genetics and environment. And yet Rhiannon walking out of her room, annoyed at Kathryn’s phone ringing all the time, is indicative of the fact that yes, people do ‘tank’, they ‘tahan’, they take it in their stride for other people’s convenience. And that is in a way a choice too. But it is, a tad unfair. Yet it is also true people aren’t born to cater to anyone’s needs, so maybe this consideration was taken into account when making that choice - I want to sleep early, but I understand if others don’t and this is also their house. And I think this is about the number and normality - who is being the odd one in need of accommodation? It is the introverts, mostly, who cater.

Started this draft like 2 weeks ago

Sieving through pictures of Singapore to show my host family was perhaps the most powerful feeling I got to date since leaving my home … a deep and mysterious melancholy so indescribable (not in magnitude, just the fact that I can’t describe it) they must have invented the word ‘nostalgia’ and missing home just for it. To me, even though my family isn’t tight-knit and close, it is still special and maybe it’s the Chinese culture still in me, but I owe a great debt and will always try and be there for my parents when they are old. I say that, not knowing what kind of scenario that may be tested; after all, I am abroad while my dad is at home recovering from cancer.

Thinking about ‘why now’, and maybe it’s knowing that my friends and family back home are living their lives out and sharing and creating memories without me, and that the longer I’m away, the more I fade into their memories…except there’s Whatsapp and all is fine and dandy to a degree/till I get a degree haha geddit? I also miss Chris a lot (duh), I think mostly when I read her blog or feel cuddly. Rwandans are a warm bunch though and hugs are often and soon. My host mother is very sweet and has a hearty laugh whenever I imitate my host sister.

We did a 'processing session' last Friday; it's like a 'do whatever you want summer camp style' time allocated at the end of each week for students to lead some activity, be it etching out tensions (like last week) or building human pyramids. Last week we did a 'toilet paper pass' where we just picked a person in the group to say nice things about in a circle and passed them the roll to pass on to another person. Jack K passed me the roll and talked about how his support group back home was his fraternity, which happens to be Lambda Chi, how coincidental and wholesome is that? I'm so glad he's got great character and setting a good example for a historically problematic institution.

Ayyyyy oh oh oh oh

Google actually, legitimately, reminded me it's my birthday soon.
I was wondering why the cute mother's day animation which I wanted to watch changed.

I was feeling neither here nor there again. And I think when it comes down to it, most of the melancholy I feel goes that way. (Also the way I speak on my blog is so bourgeoise). I feel this way becomes, I guess economically speaking, there are scarce resources (or opportunities, goals, time) and unlimited wants, or at least, more than the supply.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm going to write when I leave, and I know I will, but maybe separate the opinionated generalizations from the thank yous. And I wonder what I'll forget, because I always do. This is one of them - what is a birthday? How do people spend it? I know that to some degree there's more 'me' here, and I can't really tell if that's good or bad. Reading Katz's book, I remember that one stinging line about so much money being spent on ribbons and medals... it's a little ludicrous to be honest, and yet somehow understandable. I've decided if I'm not going to do some charity work, I'll spend it being productive and helping myself without bothering others. And drink lots of coffee of course.

Karen is leaving, maybe I'll see her in DC.

Revenant

So 4 parties bailed on me today in one way or another. (5 if you count lunch too.) Which meant a lot of civ topped off with gin and tonic and finishing The Revenant. I'm not sure how I feel now, though I remember anger, annoyance, some sadness and loneliness seeing the house so empty. Nobody tends to invite me out, maybe because it's assumed I don't like to (same as when Sahej assumed my habits). And it is kind of selfish to think that people would, I suppose. A little on one side of the autism spectrum.

Her

Either I'm just more free to be extra sensitive when I'm watching films alone, or I'm watching 'these' kinds of movies precisely only when I'm alone, probably both. They're kind of like novels in a way, where the only one escaping is me. In the space.

I watched both Blade Runner and Her, and the former is really good, and smart, but I think a lot of people know that, plus obviously both from recency and because the it's sappy and about relationships, I'm talking about the latter. (Just like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Nick and Nora's infinite playlist). 

But what am I supposed to write about? That I identify with the main character even though he has done some inexcusable creepy things? Am I supposed to pity the patriarchy now? It's sad of course, and the show's (as in, his ex's comments) got a point with him, and I took it too. People obviously hate drama, but if you ain't going to take it, you're probably the selfish one. Because truth be told I'm also sensitive to trivial (to other people) things, but in my self-deceiving self-deception philosophy, I think that holding steadfast to some ideals will help you overcome it. And it probably does to some degree, but not completely. I'm writing so... coherently, and logically... as usual. And trust me I know, I'm sensitive to how... weird that can sound sometimes. Something something edgy teen who's read Nietzche. 

Also true, if I really weren't considering all the practical things like jobs, and future, I might just as well be dating or something (ha! like you could find someone like you), it really does suck.

Her knows that to some degree, what's too good to be true is probably not going to last...
I just took a side-step to read YY's blog. Always liked the simplicity and writing style... I try to do it that way too. It's nice to really read the thoughts of someone who... thinks, in a free-flow, unmasked way? In some respects over here, I've only ever heard it from people I'm genuinely close to or are drunk, which is a bit sad but understandable. In a sense that I think people are afraid of saying what they say because they are afraid they will leave the wrong impression/be judged... and they are and will be, actually. Obviously I feel it to some degree, but I also feel... free, because 'fuck it' basically. But it's been tough... outside of Karen maybe and Dominic, that I feel like people are really... considering their position. What I mean is that I often feel like people are one way or the other in terms of 'social groups', and political views and what not. There's so little... empathy and I guess, this curiosity and drive for inclusion that I've always felt... even though this has frequently just clashed with an instinct of cold toughness (overcompensating? something something toxic masculinity?).

Sigh. Maybe I'll go drop by Drenga.

Something

What does it mean, to be both skinny, and asian?

I do feel judged, by my looks. Of course. this is natural, whether it is desirable doesn't matter, since I'm largely okay with being empiricist. But it does suck, no?

The only people whom I've really connected with, not given kind of 'you're wasting your time looks' (which is already weird in itself because it assumes I want to hook up with you or something when I really don't care if I just become a friend I can say hi to on Sheridan) are minority groups, it's honestly quite tragic. Somehow that's supposed o be okay though, and honestly it kind of is, since to some degree I observe and do compose myself to be so (that is, I be more of that friendly guy than anything else). But maybe it's that third dimension of power Gaventa is talking about - that I've already self-selected, self-constrained, and it sucks.

It's inescapable, because it depends on other people being woke kind of, and that doesn't happen especially in a fraternity party kind of environment, for real. It's all talking a little weird, and I am lonely and sad about it but also understand it very much, it's just a kind of paradox I've accepted and live with, because to talk more 'laymenly' would be to act, and not be myself, which I cannot really do.

I do like to make people laugh, and sometimes I do feel like Naruto in that sense that I'm being the class clown at my own expense.

Shitposting

I gotta say, I'm pretty pissed at the frat rn, and not because of shitposting no.
But I reached a sort of petty impasse, so I've just decided to do work and chill by myself, play loud music, etc. The automatic pseudo-angry edgy teen response. Essentially choosing no friend group options just cause I'm paralyzed by the response lol.
I would definitely say people don't give anger it's due. They treat it as a bad thing when maybe it's a symptom of the body healing itself in a way. One remembers that a real mental problem usually involves a lot of apathy and even non-emotion. (Not for everyone though obviously) But it is a coping mechanism, and I think it's normative and stupid to call it 'bad'. It needs to be channeled, and adapted. So no - don't go shout at people, but hey you can listen to some angry music or play the drums and I think that's completely fine. And yes, leave people alone to steam and don't need to patronize them or bother them - let them steam and express.

#21 Jazz/Funk/Spacerock/stufflikethis
This guy is really good and this song has been stuck in my head. Wish I could find bands (which I'm sure exist) that play this sort of music. Orchestral and storyline based and escapist.

2Red

I lived in a suite called 2Red in ISRC last year, and now I'm back, typing this out.

It's queer to think about the change, in the meaning of what it means now and then, and the growth.

It's quiet again. I was trying to decide downstairs with Dominic's intercession, whether I wanted to play caps at the frat, or stay and watch 30 rock with Conor and Alex. Or just do homework. I guess the latter is now my decision.

It was a messy helplessness. I knew I was socially aware but it finally became at odds with my desire to be as honest as possible. So I guess the right answer was I wanted to play caps at the frat because I prefer to do something over watch 30 Rock because I wanted to move, I wanted to do something rather than watch TV. But then I didn't want the caps game to debilitate my ability to study, because I know my schedule is still so tight. All of this is coupled with a general feeling that I want to hang out with people and so leaves out my room, 101, or the library kinda.

So I'm back in 2Red. It's got a lot of life now compared to last year, when I could sit at the window and let the 4pm sunlight stream onto the pages of War and Peace. I'm a social butterfly, and I think in part it's the logical result of two pathologies. 1. That I always seek new-ness, and bringing people together. 2. I like personal space, and I don't like clingy-ness. And I get this bad feeling that people then perceive me to be closer to some groups than I actually am, because I 'choose' them over others - not realizing that in actuality, I hang out little with most groups. And then bring in the problematic urge for deep and meaningful conversations that only take place after having spent time (or alcohol) with them. This is further complicated by my knowledge that friendships here are temporarily solid at best. As the Onion article put it well - something about how just graduated friends promise to stay together are going to break apart as soon as they part. And then another point - I know that in my head I constantly spin a mythical tale or setting of being alone but meeting a stranger and having a deep conversation, or a person that I've never had a chance to yet but do because of the coincidence. I beat myself up because I know this impractical dream is an insult to the wonderful friends I already have but I neglect in part because I'm chasing an all-or-nothing 'romantic' setting.

Maybe I still haven't gotten over all the problems I've had in the past. And maybe I want yet don't want a stable group of friends/person to be with.

The Loneliest Dream

It's been a few hours, and the urge to really write out and describe this post/dream is largely gone.
But I remember still, I possessed this intense feeling of loneliness from this dream, which was just largely seeing other people together, many of my friends included (although their names and faces escape me). I was not sure what to make of it. I'm still not, ah well. It's no coffee day.

Choosing

Told myself I'd be involved with mixers and stuff but quite frankly caught the Jake in a sense that I'm not that interested.

I've had a lot to think about, and I feel like I'm already in post exam phase halfway into the quarter. C'est la vie, ou peut être, c'est l'hiver.

Unfortunately, I think I am a little tired after all and won't write at length. Realism is how I cope but not what I ultimately want. It's hard to accept this pilgrimage status.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I penned that a while ago, but today is a different story. A turn for the worse, unfortunately.

Surprise surprise, another 'frat' guy speaking about recent events. To be clear, I'm speaking as an individual here. I do not generally like to make too many public reactionary political comments (for reasons not relating to apathy), and especially for an issue like this, where I completely understand anybody who might feel my comments disingenuous or tokenist in nature. (And on the opposite end, making a big deal out of nothing) But honestly, I feel pretty strongly about it. And by strongly, I mean extremely disgusted, and extremely frustrated. I'm talking to fellow guys here. (and yes I acknowledge guys get raped too) Here goes the (calm-ish), admittedly preachy, rant.
First of all, while I acknowledge these are still 'allegations', it matters very little to my intention - whether they are found guilty or not, I'm going to use this unfortunately-realistic scenario as a good time to say something.
Actually, that's my second point. I believe the survivors, and I admire and respect their bravery. A lot of people question this assumption, alluding to 'due process of law, presumption of innocence'. It's unreal how frustrating this is, because while I respect it in principle, this is just not something tenable in practice. Many of these cases is one person's word against another. You know who wins then? The privileged guy with more money, contacts, and 'reputation at stake'. I hear people say 'this will open the gates of false rape accusations'. What person would go through all the legal and public trouble, on a lie? Why are we presuming the guy's innocence but imagining the girl to be some 'nasty woman'? What about her innocence? It is already not easy to relive trauma in court, let's not dissuade testimony on what are a minority of guys repeatedly violating HUMAN rights.
Another thing. Why the hell do we have a fraternity (and national HQ) on campus whose nickname at other schools is literally Sexual Assault Expected?! Actually, don't tell me, I know why, and I disagree. Yes, not all guys are bad. Heck, not all the brothers there are bad. But when this issue literally earns you a nickname, and there's been no institutional/cultural/leadership change (you can't just keep excusing yourself that 'oh this happened at another school we're fine', when you are supposed to be the national example/leadership), one has to seriously question their sincerity. Also, do not give these guys a space on campus when other less privileged groups don't.
That's my third point: it's a culture problem. If this was just a guy stealing property and UNLESS the frat was known to tell it's members 'taking people's property is fine, it's obvious the owner was careless', people will more likely believe it was an eccentric individual. But this isn't. We KNOW 'locker room talk' exists, because I've heard it, and all of us heard Mr. '10 minutes of action'. These are guys who treated women LIKE property, probably in part because they've heard brothers imply that they are, and that 'it's fine because she wants it, playing hard to get', or whatever nonsense.
And my last point. To my fellow brothers, to other guys, to myself, don't forget to always say something, and do something. Some people have given me dirty looks today, and I want to say, I welcome them. It's a fallacy in my opinion, that we call people 'woke'; awareness isn't past tense, it's present continuous. We should be 'staying woke'. It's a culture problem, and culture is an aggregation of habits. It's impossible to pretend your character developed in a vacuum, we have to check/remind ourselves always. I've caught myself saying or thinking or believing or feeling stupidly sexist things like 'dang this (female) professor is really annoying' and then imagining if a male professor had said the same thing, I wouldn't have batted an eye. Side note to my Singaporean friends, if you think this culture isn't in our society too, that it's an American hookup culture problem, I strongly ask you to reconsider.

Just Another Winter

An imbalance of chemicals in my bloodstream.

Last year, around the same time, the exact same (or very similar) thing.

But this is the harshness and beauty of the winter, or actually, the year's end, an arbitrary cosmological phenomenon with real artificial meaning. I have always known I'm exceptional. In a 'different' from other people kind of way. Part of the reason is an unforced error of instinct - the need to be contrarian, Nietzsche-like.

I have 7 minutes or so before my bus comes for me to move on.
Very dramatic isn't it? In the end though, I've always reverted to my favourite outlet - anger, music, and angry music. But also solemness and morality, because I know I couldn't be myself if I wasn't exceptionally, stubbornly ethical. It's obviously an arrogant thing to say, but I sometimes think other people, the more privileged perhaps, have never actually had to make an ethical decision. Such a decision is never the confluence of other good things, or selfish things and an ethical position. Such a decision only validates itself, 'strengthens' your ethical 'institutions' (throwing some poli sci here where the individual is the state) when they are diametrically opposed. When taking the hit is not what you want or what would benefit you short-term or superficially. But I know that for me, taking it has never been detrimental, nay it is what enriches my soul and have faith in my character.

And no, this isn't lying either, this is what I want. What I want, and have always wanted, is to do the right thing and not be sulky about it. If you are happy, I am happy - or fulfilled.

Time to put on the angry music and go to SPAC, maybe bang the drums.

Freedom

There are so many melodramatic sides to this title.

And I might be typing this prematurely; so I'm going to talk in code for a bit.

It might be obvious anyway.

A whirlwind of recent personal events, and I think they're all ending sober and sombre.

What I've wanted for so long, a while now, was freedom. There are many kinds but the kind I'm looking for right now will seem strange. It is the freedom of spontaneity - the freedom of having good fundamentals that allow you to act out. The insurance of and security of someone else to hold you and the freedom to give back. It's like  the security of having wealth so that you can be charitable without worry. The selfishness that makes selflessness easier.

I'll admit, this is jarring to write, and not be explicit, and maybe I won't even get to that. But I'll let me, and her know I guess, that at least for a while, that was painful, and it was because I guess, the cliché: I let myself be vulnerable.

That was the reason I was coughing so much, Chris.

Which I don't regret. But experience will give me the freedom to be angry and to empathize with people.

And I wish I had the freedom to be who I am right now, and the freedom to be like during DM, or during Agneska's party for a short while; the general freedom I feel now just being in this country - that when I go back I have the security of a few friends who might think I haven't changed or couldn't care if you did.

It sucks to lose it so quickly, but... c'est la vie, and at least I have the comfort of music.

Post

I haven't written in a while, but the circumstances are too perfect.
I want to write - something poetic, and maybe I'll give it a shot later, but right now I think I'm just going to let my thoughts flow as always, about the things I wanted to say out loud maybe, to someone, but I know, or feel that here it will be lost. Here nobody will get get me. And no not the Singaporeans either - actually, I don't really think I've met someone whom I've shared much with.

I guess as our lives progress people diverge - naturally of course, until it becomes so difficult to find someone who has gone through the exact circumstances you have. That's pretty deterministic, but also empirical in my opinion. When you have social interactions with someone else - or I guess to put it more bluntly/laymen/without dramatizing - when you talk to someone else, you try to find common ground. You try to build some consensus or understanding, But this is very difficult without similar experiences or knowledge. This is why commonalities - hobbies and beliefs are so important. But outside of those things, at my core - it is difficult to say. Maybe I don't know myself what I'm 'all about' - and when would I know I've finally met someone who could empathize with me proper.

Sometimes - no scratch that, a lot of the times - I feel like I understand Steele. I wouldn't know of course, and it'd be presumptuous to believe 'I know better' in a sense. Actually, a lot of times I feel, I get a sense that I know exactly how, or think I know how someone is feeling, or going through when 'I was younger' in a sense. Maybe this is the irony - that it is precisely the belief in your ability to empathize that makes people not. I'm sure Aaron would agree with this sentiment. And another paradox - what's the point of going through experiences, the number one priority I have, if it doesn't amount to some ability to empathize?

Initially, this post was meant to be about the election but I got tired of writing it. Or maybe, like everything else atm, it's about priorities - academics, social life, personal hobbies, blogging and others kind of in that order. I wanted to write my feelings about Trump's win, which in all honesty was very shocking to me. Of course I believed Nate Silver, and I guess I believed most people would be turned off by some off his rhetoric - probably not as much as some others might, but I thought a decent chance of independents swinging his way. Of course, this vote was not about the independents, and it's also not about social decline. America has not changed, in some of its fundamentals, is what I, is what LKY believed. I do not consider his voters racists, bigots, etc. even though some of my friends do. And this is a problem. It has alerted me to my difference not just in politics but everything really.

And 'what do I know', right? I'm not even American! This is true, but actually, is anyone 'American'?, Is my liberal born-and-raised-in-city friend 'American' enough to understand the thoughts of the working rural poor and vice versa? I'm pushing back here - I think there is value in 3rd party, outsider insight. Because of those problems that I recognize though, I've always found it hard to kind of take a stand on things I don't 'play a part in' per se.

Meat just came downstairs and we had a little chat about what I was doing... well I get back to my room now, after a really cool talk.

Red Fingernails

I'm typing this with red fingernails. Like painted ones.

What is the meaning of always initiating first? Is it routine, or is it obligation?
I just came back from Rocky Horror Picture Show, a marvelous cult classic. I wish more freshmen had shown up. I also am pretty disappointed a party that happens every week (I mean sure this is Halloween, but there's the next few days) was preferred over this. And I know part of it is of course, peer pressure.

I think perhaps this is where my greatest annoyance comes from - dependency. It's not pretty, I know I have a strong support base and that I cannot live on my own, I know that I'm also affected by F.O.M.O, etc. Yet I cannot shake the feeling that I am more independent than many others. It could be true, given my age, my foreign-ness. But it can get lonely.

I know now that sometimes I feel this urge to deceive - because I want a deeper connection - and that it's unhealthy and I yet I've been excusing myself by saying I'm adapting. It's true that I am, but also that urge means that sometimes I've gone too far and I will eventually bear the consequences. I'm driven by this strong impetus to connect people, and be friends with everyone, and to show people that everyone is complex by being an example. My second deepest annoyance, (or first) - assumptions others make about others.

Other things - I think I've somewhat given up trying to convince people by contest. Maybe some wisdom is telling me Tolstoy was right, people can't be convinced.

My hair's still wait and the clothes are in the dryer, but it's so late.

I need to whip out my camera again.

Singapore

I have not thought this much of home in a while.
Or at least not in this pseudo-dramatic fashion.

The Apprentice was a really good film. (Not to be confused with the shitshow literally by Donald Trump) Throughout the film I was thinking about Junfeng's choices, and I was thinking about home. I recognized it all. And in the end the most feel-good films are about recognition, of tropes, of symbols, of people.

I recognized my and all my friends' and families' HDB flats. I recognized the buses and MRTs, the people, the language, the food, the sights and sounds. I don't know where to begin.

To begin on feelings of being foreign here, to begin on how Singaporean am I really, to begin on my perceptions of other Singaporeans here, Singaporean-ness in general, the whole shebang reminding me of when I questioned my otherness to other AEP students probably only to realize the irony of it.

I can't blog without digressing. And honestly I should be working, as always.
The intimacy and closeness I felt with the genuinely Singaporean character of this film, past race, language, or religion truly, was not lost on me. Some combination of pride, nostalgia, duty, entrapment even. I have always been genuinely optimistic about the weakness of cultural barriers at a certain socioeconomic level (and I am fully aware of my privilege here) but unwilling to give up this individuality that I know is the last step of true assimilation here. Because I love my country, I love it's music, food, people and vibes. I love my neighbourhood and my family and friends. I love all these things despite.

Quintessentially my personal, superficial human problem I've always had is loneliness in a romantic sense. But I recognize that my ambitions and principles don't align very nicely at all. In a sense, if I were to think about a serious relationship I would be asking my partner to firstly stay in Singapore (which is fine if they're Singaporean) but also if I were to join the foreign service... a huge burden and sacrifice that I'm unwilling to place on my partner for pure feelings of egalitarianism. I cannot ask my spouse to do the stereotypical 'sacrifice for husband's career' nonsense because I genuinely want to be part of the progress of gender equality, but also because my character is not to ask for someone's favour.

That was a difficult point to make not least because I'm basically revealing a serious intention that can come off as too strong should a future partner read it. But I guess that's what I signed up for following a principle of honest and open blogging. Obviously things change and people will be mature about it.

This leaves only kind of short-term, for-fun relationships. And I'm not the most sure where I stand on that. Probably ok with it. Credits to Maria and Agneska for helping me to re-evaluate all of these things.

And then there's my otherness. There are certain habits that I do not shake, and attitudes I have not shed. Thankfully this fraternity, genuinely open as it is, gave me space to be myself for the most part. But I do think about it. I've come to realize that somehow, I'm not just different than locals, but different from Singaporeans in a significant way. It's a little lonely sometimes that in my effort to essentially not fit, and be middle of so many things, I'm probably just kind of an aside for most people. But I risked it, I chose to constantly push my comfort zone.

This has all been a long time coming, and I still can write more. Let's go on for a bit.

I miss ISRC and old groups of friends. But I also love being in this fraternity for its essential qualities. I wish it didn't have to be this way at all yet know why it is. I know that many things live in some fantasy optimistic land and this is how I learn - in compromise. My ex-roommate has always brilliantly put things that my current roommate has not yet talked to me about.

I feel it deeply, I'm more like non-frat people than frat people yet because I chose, my agency makes me a frat person. Does that make sense? I've always thought choice in the end, was what mattered most: not your inclinations, upbringing, some pseudo-psycho-determinism. But I know that if I did live at Jess/Agneska's place I would be more comfortable, but the insatiable hunger would remain.

Maybe it all boils down to this: I'm here on a clock and so I never feared to try because it would essentially reset. I'm here as an observer and participant, and in the end my blog is my true space and true self. I regret only somewhat that I did not choose the path more traveled, and I think in my dying days I will have more inner vitality than if I concentrated solely on academics and things I knew.

Thank you Ben for the instant laksa (which I'm eating now because I guess you could say it's a good first occasion), and thank you for your time if you're just a random reader.

The second sex

I guess I didn't have the heart to start my homework till I've recorded some of the passion I have for this stupidity.

The thing with women is,

they are smart, stupid, dedicated, lazy, creative, dull, deep, superficial, strong, weak, independent, needy, skilled, mediocre, funny, lame, adaptable, inflexible, loyal, flaky, disciplined, turbulent.
They are varied in character and aptitude, they are full human beings, and so don't tell me about locker room banter or apparently 'alpha male boasting'. This is not 'natural' for boys (it's not unnatural either, mind you). If you don't mean what you say, why are you saying it?

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Painted my door for 10 hours instead of doing homework.
Retiring before starting my career apparently.

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Lately been unable to pen down my thoughts even though they are important, mostly about how I've changed, or 'reacted'? I wish I had the time to make more people smile. I wish I was as clear as a person, but deep in my guts is a gene built for refusal.

It was strange that Dom thought I was hard to read... then again I guess I haven't exactly heard people saying I'm easy to read(?)

Hierarchical and Institutional Power

The title was just the answer which I never got to say in class today.

In truth I wanted to blog yesterday immediately after seeing Mel again in a while. It was really nice catching up with her and frankly just nice to have a long 1-1 conversation with another person again. I brought this up with Steele just now, another reason why they are important to me. It's because I can really bring out the person, their unique character, I can know them, for their strengths, flaws and aspirations, I can experience the fullness of their being. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too dramatic in spirit for my own good (probably). This is what separates me from 'the typical Singaporean', or maybe not, because I don't truly know what goes on in other people's minds. I just know there is a deviance that is apparent in Karen and Yi Hai, and Tze Yang... there is depth I can feel.

I wasn't sure what to make of it honestly, we both know it was a little awkward avoiding the rootbeer keg in the lounge kind of - that we have some history, however brief. Wasn't sure if I would have liked it to have been mentioned, maybe closure, or no. I still like her, but I know somehow it won't work, not really. Given some different circumstance, or some later time, who knows. Or you know, maybe she doesn't really care about that anymore, which could certainly be the case. But I have so much respect for how mature she is, and how the relationship was.

I've aged a lot since then... I don't know if I'll fit it in anymore, going back. It tires me to think about how all the friends I've made here will be gone... it tires me to think about how much of a prick I used to be. It really is just tiring to be alone. Yet the ugliness of it, I've also become more aware of - that I'm selfish, that I'm picky and that I'm not as ready to give up my individuality and freedom as much as I used to think. In the end, so many things are ephemeral.... I just thought about how I didn't give Daniel my blog, even though I wanted to once. Am I just looking for permanence in age?

C'était un bien jour

J'admis j'ai pris beaucoup de verres. Je n'ai pas beaucoup de temp. Aujourd'hui, c'était un bien jour. J'ai fait quelque nouveaux amis et j'ai fait quelque 'meilleurs' amis... Le fait est que pendant notre vie, il y aura des jours comme aujourd'hui - spontané, mais les mieux de nos vies. La vie quotidienne! Mais j'ai peur que je suis la seule personne qui peut se sentir ça. J'ai peur comme tout le monde, que on est seulement la personne qui comprend l'importance de 'maintenant'.
Mes cheveux est encore mouillés. Mais je suis très fatigué.

I wish for so much. And I know not much.