Saturday, 18 June 2016


I don't know why but I suddenly thought of JLOC today...
JLOC felt... dreamy. And I searched for it on my blog only to find it was missing.
I didn't talk about it, in other words. And yet when I thought about it today I was hit a very intense nostalgia.

^I delayed this post because of exams... can't remember when I had that moment.

But it sure as hell still warrants a post.
We start with big ambitions, get filthy rich, save the world.
Some with skill, hard work and circumstance go far.
The rest of us... need no fret. Mediocrity isn't a sin, nor is it really what it is.
I was not meant to be the best platoon commander, nor some break out OCS star. But I did my work diligently, thanklessly... and here I think the wisdom of War and Peace appears again. I wasn't trying to be the best, I was humble, affable, positive... apart... like Dance Marathon. I was... the best I could be, and that Leeks was recognized in that small gift of being the top cadet in the junior logistics officer course. In that small quiet corner of Kranji, tucked away afternoons among a handful of other background workers, the logistics officers... It reminded me of how I also came to lead photography club without really asking for it. These things will always remind me to stay humble in the background... to leave quiet legacies, to find inner peace and positivism, to affect change in our own humble ways.. It's so hard to describe this notion and feeling... to appreciate the things around you and what you have and who you are. It is lonely though, which is why DM and JLOC were perhaps... my happiest moments. Because I was genuine and others appreciated me for it. I was not alone in inner peace.

This is quite possibly the most abstract piece I've written in a while... But nostalgia, fleeting feelings of innocent, genuine joy... is just hard to find and harder to describe. The imagery... of evening sunlight spilling into a window, of rain and contemplation, is perhaps the best way to describe it.

Thursday, 2 June 2016


This is why you can't/shouldn't ask people to just be 'honest' or speak on a whim all the time. What you're getting is not 'honesty' but instinct, you are asking for answers given imperfect information and expecting the reply to be perfect or to be considered. Of course it's not going to be. Thoughts are considered so as not to be irresponsible. But it was my bad, I was led on, and it's hard to be absorbed and considered at the same time, it's hard to be in the flux and not be tossed and out of the flux but lonely and stale.

I didn't expect this much unexpectedness. (Duh) but I'm well aware that perhaps that will always feel like the case. I am matured enough to understand that I cannot be selfish here, it's not ethical. But it seems like a fundamental problem now more than a matter of adjusting. The power imbalance seems a little tipped at this point.
I wonder if I should speak to someone about this.