How to be a son

My father passed away today. I thought about how perhaps for anybody who is grieving the loss of something, there comes a point in time when they implicitly and deeply understand that life goes on. For me I've known this day was coming for quite some time. My mom is upset because she could not properly fulfill his last wish which was to die at home. I think that she is upset because of the many things that could have gone differently that would have allowed her to fulfill it. She is looking for someone to blame, herself, the housekeeper with Covid-19 that came to work with symptoms, the hospital staff that couldn't release him earlier, etc. but I hope she realizes that it is nobody's fault. One cannot help but feel guilty though, because last wishes hold some sort of finality to it. But she should know that we did our very best, and it shouldn't discount everything and every joy that we have brought him in life. In his last days I think he was most unhappy, slipping in and out of lucid consciousness, unable to fend for himself nor eat and drink the things he likes. It was pitiful and sad and hard to watch old age play out like that. That sort of decline was portrayed poetically in The Irishman, and in some ways I'm thankful that I saw it, and learned, though an aphorism, the line 'it is what it is'. It's very Buddhist if you think about it.

I changed my phone screen to one of those lovey-dovey couple pics, and am enjoying seeing Christelle. I can't wait to see her in person again. As you grow older I think it's true that you simply acquire more things that you don't want to lose or find it hard to let go of.

I'm thinking about my mom and younger brother especially now, and hope they are coping well. I hope that for the rest of her days my mom will find contentment, despite not being able to fulfill her wishes to retire in peace with my father, traveling the world on a long cruise ride, like any middle-class person of her generation dreams of. I want her to finally be happy and I know that most of all she needs safety and security to feel that.