Tuesday, 22 March 2016


New York, 11.16 am.

I'm in my friend Conor Jone's apartment.
What is it like? Imagine an upper-class apartment in upper-west side Manhattan containing an art collection and rock instruments, a classy kitchen and some empty bottles of beer lying around.
This isn't the purpose of the post. But truthfully there are no dead-set posts I must make (especially not while I'm this hungry right now and Conor is still sleeping so we can't go for lunch).

I reiterate that posting while 'conditions' are not right is always uncomfortable for me, but some discipline in writing is necessary. I've already lost some of the thoughts I had and wanted to make sure I got down. I guess this is a post about the end of a quarter.

New York, 12.28 pm.

OK so the truth is I procrastinated and went to do emails, surfed the web and maybe played some civ :x. Now I'm realllyy hungry so I'll probably post later.

#84 Sunlight
Not looking at the harsh noon sky, but the streams that hit pillars and walls and stream into your windows in the morning and evening... the shadows they project and the dust that drifts around following Brownian motion is just beautiful.

New York, 4.34 pm.

Dramatic effect time stamps. I went for lunch without Conor because... well he just woke up 45 mins ago. His family cat Lily warmed up to me really quickly and has started taking refuge in my room indefinitely. His current throne is all over my clothes; which is to say there is fur all over my clothes. I wanted to write something because a day before leaving Chicago I had  a conversation with Agneska. Shoot I just remembered I didn't do my CTECs. I just remembered they were on my sticky notes before my computer died.

OK. So it is obviously weird to pretend like the people in my life I sometimes write about don't read my blog when they do. So I don't pretend. In fact it's not a big deal to me because I don't mind sharing anything with almost anyone, it's just uncomfortable to see their reactions - be it overly patronizing or just plain not caring. I'm actually a much slower thinker than I look on caffeine; I can speak off the cuff just fine but I always find a better answer later which annoys me. So writing is a better medium to achieve greater clarity. But that's a lie too because I don't proofread my posts that thoroughly. Also, I hate it that in English, you can't start the sentence with 'but'. Let me tell you many an essay of mine have been stuck because I refused to start a sentence with 'however' 500 times since I constantly contradict and challenge my own thinking/writing.

Major digressions tend to indicate a large chunk of thoughts that I'm reluctant to start typing until I know I have time and emotional energy (ew) to type. They're also how Yan Mei and Ying Yue type. With whimsical distractions in rational tones. Alright, Conor's ready to go. And I doubt I'll be sober on the way back.

Friday, 11 March 2016


I am many people at once,
So how can I be any one?

I get these fleeting moments when I just really wished I was on a computer right now to type. And then when I finally get down to it, the moment's sort of lost; the passion becoming some kind of mushy rambling. But I think I have to maintain the tradition. Writing has always been about discipline. One day these two timings might connect again.

We had a fraternity event the other day. I obviously can't speak of it, but suffice to say I proclaimed my current flaw to be 'mood swing'. But I hesitate. How is this a flaw really? How is it a flaw that I can feel and understand a spectrum of emotions? But that too, is probably a lie. I went for an open mic yesterday with Jess, and watched a typical French movie today, and all I could really feel, was anger. Maybe I've been cultivated to just feel anger when I'm meant to feel anything at all. I embraced it early because anger is energy, it is the most active, and I don't want to be a passive agent. Or maybe it's that hyper-masculinity the talk at my fraternity was about - how 'being a man' means stoicism. And I admit I'm hypocritical because I love stoicism and I find getting emotional over many things... weakness. Of course, people tell me otherwise, and in a bid to be civil I guess you could say 'while I haven't changed my mind completely, I do accept the empirical reality that nice people give everybody a chance - so first world problems and the sort are real problems.

Back to mood swings. I know it is a flaw because I look and meet the best people everyday, who summon the energy and courage to be happy every time I see them, and basically not be a sour and cranky person. Which I guess leads me to Dance Marathon.

30 hours of straight dancing, maybe it's the masochist, always wanting to prove myself despite my size that compels me to be at my best in the worst of situations. It is why I seldom complained in the army, it is why I act out when nobody else is doing so, but shy away from leadership or 'being the life of the party' when others have already fulfilled that role. Of course, it's partially so I can say that I am a 'reluctant leader', or at least I think that's how you should be - because if you want the position for the position you shouldn't be in that position.

Dance Marathon was that environment where I could 'thrive'. Where I could be the extrovert, a throwback to wayyyy back in the day when I was the class clown before the days of social media, snap chat, and the sort which I don't use because I believe it sucks my time and I don't want to give in to the culture of gratification - which I do anyway on facebook, so perhaps it was another pointless exercise in trying to be different. Wayyy back when being skinny was fine. I actually just read an article on the worrying sexualization of America; at least 1 person agrees with me then. Choice feminism has always been a difficult topic for me to broach, because while I agree, I still cannot comprehend the superficial nature of showing off your body. Perhaps because I'm at a disadvantage I complain, or because I'm lazy and don't wanna spend money on protein and gym membership.

Ok I digressed about 2 paragraphs there. I initially wanted to post about my dance marathon experience, which was surreal. I was happy. But why? I guess one honest reason is I like to show off that I can persevere with a smile. But there are strong reasons too. One was silly defiance - I stuck to what I believed in when I danced with ISRC instead of Lambda Chi, I believed that when you promised to be part of one team, you don't leave the second you get a bigger invite... or paycheck. Loyalty is a Lambda Chi value after all. Another reason - you ever see those movies where a person is just tired of his usual routines and life, and I guess he just meets new people, a bunch of strangers, maybe in his building that he's never talked to and he realized they are an awesome bunch? Or maybe it's just in my head that I like meeting new people that I don't necessarily interact with often or never will again. I just love the idea that strangers are just friends you haven't met yet.

And it was surreal. It reminds me of a play where the premise is audience members interacting one on one with the cast, trained in asking and probing difficult or personal questions to basically establish intimacy from the get-go. Audience members come out of it saying it was intense but rewarding, enriching. And so there was this feeling like now I've found new friends I wouldn't have had I chosen the usual route, that kind of feeling you get when you decide to go off-track and discover an amazing view, or at least something different. It is powerful to me. And it's a little ironic I'm throwing away that 'magic' by inviting them to lunch so I can get to know them and it wouldn't just be a one-off thing. Which is absolutely the logical thing to do, but not the mysterious and romantic version of it.

Aight. Other things to get off my chest. Derek asked me during a frat party if I wanted to 'get lucky' or 'make-out' with my date during movie night. I was not amused. I obviously caved in and was pressured by it to make unnecessary and uncomfortable moves on Janet, not because I wanted to (though it would be untrue to say I don't find her an awesome person to be with) but because I felt pressured, like it was the norm to try? And it's confusing, some girls are admittedly too shy to take the initiative (and also because of the kind of society we live in) or choose to do so in ways which I am obviously oblivious to. So it's almost like I have to try first, get rejected constantly, and then start posting on my blog about 'unfairness of society' or something. Hopeless romantic  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ which I hope doesn't make me come off as weird because I'm not obsessive, I just don't like to shut people out of starting a relationship because of anything superficial. But I guess it's almost practical to discern that way, which is sad. Je ne croie pas aux grand amour, je croie que aprés longtemps, on peut aimer n'importe qui. In any case, I'm truly sorry to Janet if I made her uncomfortable in any way, it was really just for some drunk fun. And in no way do I think like Derek.

I've never been hugged by my family. No one. Maybe it stems from the testosterone filled environment (including my very domineering mother) of pride and stoicism once again. I have to say I do feel jealous when I see other families that are maybe more physically loving.

Hold up, another annoying thing Derek said to me that night. "You're not drunk enough yet. Drink some more!" Punching him in the face would not have been out of the question. So what, I'm not charismatic when I'm not drunk af? I'm not allowed to drink at my own pace? Harmless fun you say? I'm sorry but you are part of the social problem called peer pressure. Fuck you. I don't wanna say that messed my night up a little, but it might have.

Believe it or not, I used to post coherent arguments and rants about society and politics. But I guess what I lacked from my childhood was never maturity and sensibility, it was social and emotional experience.