Wednesday, 31 December 2014

50 years a city-state

10 minutes to the new year, an otherwise meaningless day beside the calender change. (I mean, at least CNY marks the start of Spring, no?) The last year... well if it weren't for the TV running at full volume and my parents watching the SG50 concert, I'd probably be more sentimental I can tell you that. I've ORD-ed, I'm going to study, and there's so much more I have to do now.

Just finished Dune, a book my officer friend Joshua lent me and then left for Japan/HK for a good few months. Epic stuff, a lord of the rings in space and in the desert.

#90 Last Airbender, Legend of Korra series
I just finished watching the finale recently. Probably my favourite cartoon/anime/something-in-between of all time. (Samurai Jack might have been first if they bothered to end...) Really sad it's ended and it doesn't look like another one's coming any time soon (if ever). Just realized that out of most audiences, I'd say Chinese Singaporeans would be the most appreciative of the series, being english-speaking yet able to understand all the eastern influences in the show (example being the two waterbending fish spirits Tui and La, which by the way means push and pull in Chinese). People like Aang a lot and seem to think Korra is good but a little worse. For me, both are really awesome to a point that I wouldn't compare them anyway. The characters, bending, maturity of both series are great, especially if you treat each series as uniquely targeting separate audiences (the latter for those more in their teen years, as are the characters. Reminds you of Harry Potter, no?).

Friday, 5 December 2014


#91 Primary School Friends
The simplest, and rawest. They never truly left. A sober optimism, we all lead our own lives but come back anyway, for a couple of drinks or lunch. No drama. It's pure, lovely nostalgia.

Monday, 1 December 2014

There are geniuses

Like Hawkins and Fitzgerald.

A tumblr seems to suit me more having these ephemeral thoughts, but the inertia of leaving. (As if anyone realllyyy reads [and if they do, they would find the new link here would they not?])

I saw a pretty girl and wasn't sure
Left in a rush but wasn't sure
Knew it wasn't my head talking
But I wasn't sure

What if? I wasn't sure.

God damned hormones.

#92 Photography

Tuesday, 18 November 2014


If you want to go fast, go alone.
If you want to go far, go together.
~African Proverbs

Die Stimme der Vernunft ist leise. ~Sigmund Freud
But it is persistent ~Addition by Christopher Hitchens

a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.
~The meaning of the word 'ennui'

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
~the word 'sonder' from the dictionary of obscure sorrows

I'm back from ***. And feeling listless. I miss her and I didn't expect that.

Naurto ended and slowly, the erosion of my childhood sinks in. 

Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist when he grows up.
~Pablo Picasso

I maintain strongly never to let go of my imagination and impulse.
Should write again.

Monday, 20 October 2014

A good disclaimer!

This was on my friend's blog. Really illustrates what I mentioned in the previous post (completed a few minutes ago). Really respect him as a devout Muslim who is well-read but continues to think and re-think everything he knows.

His blog: eupho-stick.blogspot.com


With regards to several images and videos, unless mentioned otherwise, they are not my creations and I do not claim to own them. Come on, this blog is maintained gratis! So, I will try to credit the respective sources where possible.

Every reference to sources beyond this blog and hyperlink does not denote my endorsement of views found there.

Readers and myself are expected to uphold professionalism in discussing issues, regardless triviality or touchiness. Let's learn to respect each other's point of view, as long as they are backed by sound reason. If readers are too overwhelmed, press the "Alt" and "F4" keys simulatenously. (Unfortunately, I do not have the privilege of doing so!)

Zaki today may be totally different from Zaki two years back, why even yesterday. The Uranium you bought may not have the same purity as it had a week ago. Chocolate may be tasty then, but your taste may change, or the chocolate may decay, or the circuity between your tongue and brain altered. You can never step on the same river twice.

Random analogies aside, be aware that I am a dynamic individual like everyone else, so, bear in mind that my opinions may change and old posts may be obsolete over time. Readers are reminded to bear some sense of sensibility.

God knows best.

Don't Fear Questioning

God is not Great

I'm currently reading Hitchen's anti-religious book, which has awakened once again my thoughts on the subject.

About a couple of years ago I decided to sweep away the topic, disillusioned by the church but also finding the opposite end to be somewhat arrogant. I decided that I was in no position to think for myself such a difficult question and contented to remain agnostic. However, there are things that I do have a clear stand on and which irks me.

1. Claims without being well-read
I am truly uncomfortable when I meet either a religious or non-religious man who claims, or takes a stand on the issue without being well-read in the subject. The underlying cause is that such a subject is meant to breed loudmouths. The religious (at least for the more evangelical sorts) are encouraged to proclaim, shout out, exalt their faith. Meanwhile, the non-religious (especially those who de-converted after being disillusioned) get very emotional and hardy with their beliefs as they feel betrayed. Both are natural of course, it is the nature of the subject.

However, just as I would find it uncomfortable having a conversation on foreign policy with someone who doesn't know the capital of China, I find it equally discomfiting to talk to an evangelizing Christian who doesn't know about the Thirty Years War, or worse, the crusades. It is not that I take such evidence to be definitive - that it surely means religion is wrong - it is just that I believe that to make such sweeping claims on an important subject, one must take the time to absorb the context of it all. Plainly speaking, I believe one must endeavor to research, to learn before concluding. Not necessarily be an expert, but at least know the fundamentals. To be fair, I am equally irked by self-proclaimed atheists who think religion is wrong based on their own experience in say, city harvest church because it shows that they did not stop to think that maybe a religion cannot be exemplified on one church and there are better examples.

2. Usage of extremes without disclaiming
Many anti-religious folk like to point to terrorism and crusades at the mention of the topic. While I have no issue with using the example per se (because one can reasonably argue that religion in some way has played a part in their cause), I believe the arguer should make an effort to temper his statements. A nuanced speaker would use the example but also concede that terrorism for example, is a result of fringe versions of the various religions (yes, all religions have gave birth to such organizations). I would go as far as to say groups such as Al-Qaeda were born in some political context (they were funded by the U.S against the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan) and as such, are not entirely religious. On the flip side are the religious folk who would perhaps use the godless, genocidal communists as an example of atheist brutality. Eesh. Where do I begin on how retarded that argument is without context.

3. Disrespect for people who don't agree
I am very glad to be born in Singapore, where I was brought up to be tolerant, and in fact harmonious with the numerous races that live together on an island so small it would be accurately represented in Civ 5 as one hex on a huge map. As a result of this luck of birth, I have both religious and non-religious friends who are probably smarter and more hardworking than me. I give them all due respect because a person should not be characterized by his one belief in one subject. To each his own. I am reminded of the Peace of Westphalia here, where culturally different European states settled on a balance of power that established peace after the Thirty Years War. What was special was that the peace did not determine whose state was better run or which was the correct religion, etc. but understood that the common quest for peace outweighed their differences. Non-interference in each other's affairs was borne out of respect of rivals.

Reza Aslan, Hitchens, C.S Lewis, I have respect for all these writers because they are more well-read, nuanced and respectful than most and which is why I read each of their works with gusto. It is perfectly natural to disagree even if given the same source material. Respect the peace!

Monday, 13 October 2014

A Chilled House

Yesterday, my family had a big fight.

My family always had fights before, and the temper usually flares with my mother first. Now yes, I know what you're thinking, what a biased thing to say right? How can it always be my mother's fault? I'm not sure about other families, but in mine, the boys (and there are 4 of us, my dad and three sons) are bulwarks of silent neutrality. Often it's my mum shouting at my housekeeper for incompetence, or (last time) my younger brother for lack of discipline and sometimes recently, my elder brother for machine-gun vulgarities. I would like to say that I haven't invoked her wrath before, but that isn't true. I'm guilty of saying some pretty hurtful things, usually in response to her wrath, which probably only incites it further. I'm no Jesus, my rebukes ain't going to cure no one's soul. It's usually me venting my frustration at her constant shouting (which is ironic) when I'm just trying to have some peace or sleep at home. This fight however, puts more pronounced blame on me.

A man came to install a new modem that would allow us to use the new optic-fibre network while I was playing Civ V. (And so was my brother) My mother is as usual pandering to guests like a true businesswoman. After he leaves, the usual call for tech support from none other than me is made.
For reasons not entirely known to me, I felt a deep inclination to let my dad and younger brother handle the wiring as my mother begged me to help them. Maybe I reached my breaking point of annoyance that my mom refuses to learn anything technical on the basis that she can't (this to me, is a huge cop-out/show of laziness) nor her acknowledgement that anyone other than me is able to fix anything with electricity in the house. I was vindicated in this whim when eventually, my father and younger brother hooked up the wires without my help. If you want to know what they did, it was basically, and I am not exaggerating, putting Ethernet cables into the ports in the modem. I REALLY cannot fathom how difficult this task is and in fact, whenever I do it, my father would decide to re-arrange the cables anyway to make it neater. My mother's so called technological helplessness irked me further.

Soon, begging became sarcastic remarks, shouting, nostril flaring and I made the mistake of doing the natural thing when my mom starts getting angry - I do my best to ignore her. It usually works because I am not the person the anger is directed at but in this case, it was. Also, may I refer you to the Big Bang Theory episode where Penny gets addicted to video games? It is a natural escape, including for domestic problems people don't want to deal with. My mom usually then calms down and normal relations resume. So yes, I was the un-filial son who ignored my family's non-existent need for my help. Worse, I decided to let myself go and spout a few vulgarities about PMS-ing. To say I regret doing so would be lying because unfortunately for me, I am endowed with a tendency for justice and to a degree, vengeance. Petty? Let's just say I would not stand by if I see someone get bullied as much as I would not stand by if I was the wrong-ed party. Later I would know through my father that my mother was having an existential angst that her kids were just going to ignore her pleas when they were older and more helpless.

Usually when such a breakdown happens and I am partially to blame, I would summon the courage to say I was sorry, out of pragmatism and humility. However, I knew very well in my heart that for this situation, apologizing would just feed my mother's vindication in her absolute correct-ness in everything. I know this because I have her genes. The problem is that I often disagree with what I believe is her flawed thinking.

So what am I left with?

Drama serials and children's shows would likely point me into the direction of guilt admission and apologies, followed by "I've learnt my lesson and will choose to be a dutiful and grateful son who forever repays his infinite debt to his all-loving parents." Fucking. Rubbish. The Asian stereotype and portrayal of parents is misunderstood, stern but loving tiger moms and dads who 'know best'. I am logically inclined to be grateful for what my parents have given me because my brain tells me so. Is it wrong though, that I don't feel it in my heart? Is it wrong that all I remember about my childhood are parents who have focused on giving me independence while (mom) shouting at my other brothers, or the maid, or me (back in the day)? I have sworn not to abandon my parents out of a sense of duty and honour rather than something I 'feel' I should do. In other words, if I didn't do it, I wouldn't feel sorry. At least for my mother.

Pride is the greatest sin.

I feel like I could go on. Or maybe I couldn't. I feel like the stereotypical hormonally charged teen (who is no longer a teen) who feels misunderstood by his/her parents. And how can I not really? When they don't know my girlfriend's name or that we broke up or that inside I feel pretty fucked up and that's probably why I listen to so much rock. (because pop is like synthesized happy bullshit)
Need to write some poetry again.

Wednesday, 8 October 2014



Friend commented "Largely applies to independent guys as well."
I concur. And I'm pretty independent. Just saying. Maybe she was too.

#93 Instrumental Music
My old friend and budding (visual) artist sayeth
this is part of my campaign to make post rock the new world order
There's something ephemeral about the quality.
We think in words, i.e in our primary language, but when I think of instrumentals, I can only hear music, and see the title, like an indie music video on youtube. It's like that simple title is all that's needed.

Monday, 6 October 2014


I usually blog in quiet nowadays.
At 2AM, or 7AM or on a work day. But I've waited for a long time to no avail of such an opportunity.

In pursuit of my future (at last), I've decided to take time off, from everything, to read. I've got five books and I'm currently halfway into the fourth at the end of the third week or so. Somewhere in my head a voice screams that my attempt is vain - no, there isn't any way to get my writing score up in time to get into a good US college.

Perhaps, but I'll still try. Regardless, the seclusion has affected my everyday experience significantly.
ENFJ. I once read that such people should not be left alone, because they tend to harbor dark thoughts despite their strange nature to be both an extrovert but good at introspection. I have found this to be true in my experience. I often tend to go through month long cycles of social activity (I'm such a nerd, eesh) and then step back and kind of just do my own thing for an equally long period. Often, I get tired out by one of the other and hence switch to the other.

For a few months now, I've been going out every day of the weekend with different groups of friends. It was nice to feel busy, to feel involved, going somewhere. Where I was really going, I'm not sure, but I knew it would end. Finally one day I realized that NS was ending, and I had to think long and hard, of what to do next, and how to prepare for it. Suddenly, my friends were heading overseas and my fellow officers were disappearing from the battalion through offs and leave, I had an understudy and no longer was I needed so much in branch; suddenly, I was alone but free.

I've always known my contradictory outlook of life - I hate unnecessary drama, but often in my own head I'm creating a whole lot of it. To put it into an analogy, take this blog. A person who doesn't know me personally and who reads it will likely think I probably like drama flicks, am emotionally attached and acute, am the touchy cry-ey type, etc. If you DO know me, you'll know I'm quite the opposite, and I rather think such types are weak and insecure. 

Ah, I've made the cardinal problem with my essays thus far - digressing and going nowhere.

I was beating around the bush.

Last week, I broke up with Melissa. Why? I'm certain it was for a few reasons. One, is my current state of wanting to be by myself and just reading a little. Two, it was not lost on me how different our personalities and outlook were, this probably being the strongest point. Three... well I can't think of any but three's apparently the minimum number of points to give in an essay so three - I had a nudge, a feeling it wasn't right to wait any longer. 

She said "I really like you, you're a nice guy." That's not going to cut it... because I know there are plenty of nice guys out there, so what makes me special? Do I really make her happy? Am I happy? The whole thing was a little too polite. I'm not looking for drama, I think it's stupid and unnecessary. But I felt nothing. I wasn't lying what I wrote in her card, or told her, that she's lovely, a listening ear and pretty. And even now, I feel nothing. 

I feel terrible because I don't want to hurt her, but I also knew somehow it was now or worse later. I also know perhaps I was expecting too much. I wouldn't know. 

I asked myself a few times already these days - am I depressed? Maybe. Couldn't care less though, am not suicidal and life goes on right? Recently I've not been able to stir any excitement in me (aside from learning about all the Gods in American Gods, which I had recently finished). What excitement? That excitement, of the weekend trip you're looking forward to, of that album you can't wait for, of discovering something cool. Enough excitement that I would want to wake up early. 

Coffee has been an artificial sweetener to my life. I'm probably addicted to the stuff.

Right now, I need someone to talk to. Someone that listens to indie rock, reads widely and wouldn't mind a good beer or coffee. At the moment, that person doesn't exist. I'd settle for a person who can help me do college apps though...

That's going to suffice for now.

This is really good... and not just to describe my feelings melodiously.

Tuesday, 16 September 2014


When I (re-)started this blog, I made the title as such because it's purpose was as such: As an outlet for raging hormones and emotions. To get some inspiration for writing my college essay (sadly), I went to re-look at some random old posts. I talked differently then. And about different things. What changed? I don't know. I was a lot less apathetic. I talked with more enthusiasm, energy and happiness it would seem.

I have a natural ability to imitate others. It has won a fair share of popularity at least for a talent that can bring about smiles. But sometimes I feel I do it instinctively, out of my control. And it's those times when I kind of wonder who I really am, an amalgamation of other people's personality? Doesn't that kind of, stink? Is this why I prefer to be so Indie all the time? Am I asking too many questions and instead should drink some coffee and get on with my college essay?! Eesh. Perhaps this MC is not just for physical well-being but my mental/psychological one as well.

Sunday, 7 September 2014


Does anyone ever notice the tiny icon next to the title of this web browser? (top left!)

My iPod semi-crashed
My iPhone crashed
My iPod nano doesn't work
My MacBook Pro crashed


My course is over. Soon, I'll be headed... overseas. Then, ORD. Then what.
Transition is the word. To describe National Service for most.

There is nothing wrong, at all, with being alone. Though it should be kept in balance. That itch, where you ask yourself why aren't you outside with friends 'like the rest of them', it's usually overstating the reality. The truth is, there's plenty of perfectly normal people by themselves right now, and you can accept that and just be happy. Be happy to have time to yourself to read a book, or watch a movie, or listen to music, or blog. In an age of instant connectivity, it can seem like lost opportunity that you aren't text-ing your old friend right now, or prowling facebook/twitter etc. but perhaps it's all perspective. Who is to say that really, we need to be on the social web 24/7? Perhaps, one feels like they'd be judged, when others share their weekend experience filled with funtastic outings, scuba diving lessons, clubbing, etc. but really, when other people say they just spent the weekend alone (or don't share anything at all), do you really care? Do you immediately judge and say "wow this person needs to go out more." And if you do, it's time for a bit of soul searching eh? And if you don't, well hey that's precisely the point; ironically, people just don't really care how you live your life right? You're not the center of the universe. When you're sitting alone at a hawker center or cafe, you could very well just be background to others, just a passerby. Nobody's really looking at you and going "wow this person must be really lonely", especially not strangers. That'd be pretty screwed up of them wouldn't you say?

Wow. That paragraph went on a little longer than I envisioned. I talk a lot. Inside my head. Or maybe, I'm just more outspoken about it.

#94 tumblrs
I always check back, maybe once a week or so. It's really strange, I'm no longer close/in contact with the people whose blogs I'm still visiting, yet I can feel a connection to what they post... it's surreal. A theatre group once did an act whereby members of the audience were given 15 minutes with the actors or actresses, completely private conversations. In some cases, the hugged or gave light kisses, and the point of the show was to show, how between complete strangers, there can be real intimacy in a few minutes. I love it because I do believe in the maxim, strangers are just friends you haven't met yet. I have once again, digressed.

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

#95 Sonder

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

My current favourite word, from the dictionary of obscure sorrows.

Sunday, 24 August 2014


"If someone tells you to listen to a song, listen to it.  It may be the worst song you have ever heard but they wanted to share it with you.  That is really special.  If it makes them feel a certain way and they are so adamant about you hearing it, take 5 minutes to hear it.  It shows a lot about someone. "

From Jaren's reblog.

A bit of randomness

A bit of quaint humor
Something that catches you off-balance
My sec 1 & 2 english teacher did always say, a good story makes you think. 

This quote:
"All I know is that I know nothing"

Wednesday, 20 August 2014


Somethings I wish I could get away with stuff like this:

#98: Naruto
You know that routine you have? No not brushing your teeth. I mean like when you were a kid, and you obsessed over something, and then the crazy enthusiasm kind of died away, but the routine stuck around. So now, I'm still reading Naruto, though it's been wayyyyy past it's prime and I'm no longer the person back in the day when I watched Naruto the anime and read the manga and played the PS2 game at Gabriel's house almost every day (like not all at once la. But each maybe).

But it stuck around and now it has this nostalgia-tingling going about it when I think back. And I love it. I love keeping the kid in me, because that was something I told myself I would do when I was young. (I also said I'd go for every Runescape seasonal event though I'd stop the main game, but that didn't work out haha... maybe one of these days) And though it's coming to an end (finally... I hope), well I know it'll have a little compartment in my head. Just for never going back on my word.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014


Local Indie Music that's Goooooddd
Great Spy Experiment
In Each Hand A Cutlass
Cashew Chemists
Inch Chua
A Vacant Affair
Amateur Takes Control
Run Neon Tiger
Pitch Feather

The list goes on.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Killing Time

Always seemed so trivial to me.
I dislike the notion that I'm wasting even a minute at every moment. And no I'm not against downtime. In fact I fully support it because it is necessary. But I also believe you can have productive downtime and unproductive downtime. The latter is when you should be resting but instead you're being distracted, or not maximizing that downtime with music, or reading, or enjoyment and instead just stoning and feeling sleepy in general.

Inspired by a friend, divided by ten.
A 100 happy things
Talking to a friend, one on one.
The kind of conversations you can only have on a 11.30 pm train home.
Or once good (still good) friends after a long time not seeing each other.
Or just that random moment, of letting your guards down, and sharing about your vulnerabilities (which usually leads to being good friends)

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Past 12

So it's really after 12 and I have to stay up cause a soldier in my unit just reported sick and has to be evacuated from our camp. Don't take it as complaining, rather a chance not missed.

A minute past 12
A quiet adventure
Through the near empty streets
A while to ponder
Music in soft steady beats

At this late and curious hour

I saunter in strange breezes
Remembering incandescence
Taking in a life's moment

Moments are in abundance
But a moment so obscure
This late and curious hour
A precious fragment.


I'll write more coherently now. (Yet I'm still using a conversational tone?)
This week has been extremely tiring. I had to skip lunch and dinner several times and have been staying up and taking shorter breaks. This probably culminated in my 12 hour nap yesterday without eating dinner.

Before reaching home and hitting the sack though, I had a little quiet adventure through what I can now safely term as 'old town'. Marine Parade or Parkway Shopping Mall is the oldest mall in Singapore. To my family, it has served an even greater role in terms of nostalgia. Since my parents moved to Amber Park before I was born, it has been the go-to location for dining and shopping, the little city in our suburb. My family has always stayed in this part of Singapore and Parkway has always been our weekend trip, that NTUC location.

Yesterday, in a very long time (all things considered), I made a solo trip through Parkway. I visited the re-opened market and old 2nd hand bookstore and was hit hard with a sense of nostalgia and calm. The entire week had been so fast paced that I was bewildered by the slow pace of the evening. Believe me when I say I have not walked this slow for a very long time. I was really happy just being alone and taking a stroll. Watching the harsh evening light seep through the openings of the market and watching the old storekeeper going about. When I saw the old man, I saw in him a fountain of wisdom that comes from old age; all his stories and life journeys, struggles and finally peace. Nevertheless, I could be over-dramatizing it.

Friday, 20 June 2014

Not Shorts

Out the gates by myself
A beep and a swing
Fifty meters from a weekday
Why did I smile to myself?
I was free!

Alone an happy
Have you felt that way before?
Each path new or familiar
Yet all an adventure!

No character to uphold
No pretense was ever needed
In the company of strangers
For the lone traveler
I was free.

As a child you remembered
That rush into the tunnel
The hissing of the wind
The sunlight draining

No wonder
As an adult
You didn't pause
Only sped away in thoughts
As fast as this train

In the mellow grey between
A long summer night
A cup of jasmine green
And the company of many
The noise aplenty

When yesterday you said
Lets go
Today I stay
At home

I hoped for company
and wished to be alone
How can it be?
My head's a paradoxical tone

Then all I wanted
Was to be alone
With company.

Who is in the relationship? You and her? Or you and the expectations of society?

Tuesday, 27 May 2014


I really don't know how else to title it.
I'm writing now because a dilemma just an hour ago.
I told my friend to help me dabao some Bhar Chor Mee back as I was on duty and couldn't go out myself.

She forgot and by the time she got back it was late. I called her to ask if she had helped me buy (as she helped buy for a few other people, as per normal) and she panicked a little when she realized she forgot. I told her it's OK and I'd just eat cup noodles for dinner. I really didn't think she'd be so kind/guilty that she'd go out again (at about 9.30) just to buy me food. I only found out when she was already outside and asking me whether I wanted Mee Kia or Mee Pok. By then I had made myself some cup noodles to eat.

I ate the cup noodles before the Bhar Chor Mee came and you know when faced with this kind of overwhelming kindness you definitely can't say no. So I ate the Bhar Chor as well knowing it wasn't going to be good for my health.

But not this bad... coughing like crazy with tons of phlegm from the MSG and oil.

And with sundown just a few days away... after training for so long, I would really really get pissed off if it were to go waste. All I can do now is to recover. As much as I can.

And I'm in this awkward position of so much anger without something to direct it to. Obviously, she was being unreasonably kind and I can't be angry at her. But then is it my fault for guilt-tripping, or eating twice? I couldn't hold back my annoyance at her for being absurdly kind after I told her not to buy anymore but at the same time... yeah she was being nice.

This kind of reminds me of my elder brother who was being nice teaching me driving. But so recklessly... Fuck all of this. Why do I have to be angry all the time.

Saturday, 24 May 2014


It's always good to experiment

Through and shallow
Fairly subtle
And i was gone
Found unsatisfactory

Under an orange sky
Fiery and calm
I want to get on with my life
And yet I don't

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

20 ago

I'm writing this on an I-net in camp.
I turned 20 a few days ago in the most uneventful way possible.
It's what I always wanted.
And maybe not.

Maybe I should just admit that like everyone else I do want to feel a little special sometimes.
Maybe I was just put off by that selfishness.
Maybe I don't want to be that person who thinks the world revolves around them.
And yes, I think trying to get everyone to celebrate your birthday and acknowledge it and saying "Happy birthday!" will make me into that person I hate.
Because I don't believe anyone is 'special'. I don't think I'm special.
But because I deprived myself, it backfired.
Every year it's the same. I keep it to myself, but inside I really want to tell someone about it, and I hope so much someone will remember.
And I'm supposed to be 20.

Do you know what people do at 20?!?
http://www.museumofconceptualart.com/accomplished/ <--- googled="" i="" just="" p="" this.="">
So it's about time I admit, I was a little sad.
It's about time I admit, I don't just want a good day on my birthday. I want a good day and the company of good friends giving me a good day.
It's about time I admit I really enjoyed my birthday date with Mel, and I really like her...

Till the next.

Saturday, 10 May 2014

Breaking the 5th

Lately have been trying to do too many things at once. Work, exercise, family, friends. And myself. I couldn't sleep just now at 10+ so I went all the way till now. Is it some left over caffeine in my blood? Is it something hanging in my head? Really wishing for something more. I should go and write a few poems.

Friday, 2 May 2014


And soon I won't be a teen.

Day or night person? And with whom? Did you spend the day or night with? In the end, do we all reach a steady state? Aging the antithesis of the law of entropy. From a chaotic mess to a constant. Collin said "Now I understand what they mean when they say 2 years is a sacrifice." But just because this isn't the original path doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything. Because any RPG needs fulfilling side-quests to be a true epic. O god. Nerd.

Musings. I used to do that where I'd just type out my thoughts. Whatever comes out. Incomprehensible or abstractly so. Somewhere in the mess is me and somehow I can discern it all. I read through it and like a puzzle solved it comes back to me what I was thinking then in an un-straightforward way and so unlike me. Right?

I wish I had more time.

Sunday, 20 April 2014


Just playing around with language and stuff.

Was walking down alone
A still and misty street
Kept glancing at my phone
My music on repeat

Unsure where I'm to go
This cold and silent night
Under the eerie glow
Of a warm and orange light

Just around the corner
In a small shelter's shade
I glimpsed a slender figure
She was naturally radiant,
Alike something hand-made

Lit softly by the billboard
Her cheeks a little flushed
That night it started to drizzle
And the ambience became hushed

I sat down right next to her
And watched the sparkling raindrops
Glow orange around the streetlights
No longer an eerie sight.

Ran 20km today. By myself again. Glenn told me even he runs with someone else. *Shrugs* o well.
There are groups of friends whom, when I'm with them, I am almost entirely eradicated of inhibition. (You can really only get this with eccentric art people with sadly lots of issues) And I wish it were that simple, especially with Mel, right? But no. You have to work hard for something you want. I know that. Or does something like ~frequency~ kind of come naturally? Can you get used to, and enjoy somebody's company... over time? Nobody's a carbon-copy. You play out the side that's important. Maybe I just haven't found out which is yet.

Time check: 2.05 AM
It's actually already Sunday eh?

Demons is nice for the lyrics too. Cause ya know everyone kind of thinks they have a dark-side (or at least I do) that's not very pleasant/normal. Ah but this ain't a confidence issue cause I know part of my character ain't gonna conform to societal norms but that's fine with me! The question is, is it fine with you that I don't mind heavy metal/progressive rock and I like to game, and maybe I have really dark humor stemming from nihilist philosophy and that I think most people are under the illusion of too much drama and maybe for some situations people need to quit whining and man up.

J1 "senior crush" hahahaha. Sorry but that's really cute/sweet just because I have no idea why somebody would crush on me (unless I am somehow unaware that I'm ridiculously handsome which is not the case). Crushes to me usually has some superficial connotation to it, so does personality count? By the time I was J2 I was pretty set on being loner and stuff and anyway I always thought that's too young to be in a healthy relationship. So in J1 I liked a lot of girls but I'd just brush any stray thoughts aside since friendship's more important right(?) and maybe MORE importantly... we're just young and stupid and obviously ain't gonna make any sound decisions just yet. What about her right? "Isn't that the question of the day??" ~Harry Osbourne. Well to be honest yes I did like her, but also to be honest not as much as other girls in my batch (the closer you get with someone, the more you tend to obsess a little). Does it matter now though? Not really but it's cute and she's a lovely person.

Time check: 2.25 AM
Brother just got home. "What are you doing?... You have a blog????"

So what if I do actually...? Who really reads my blog nowadays lol. It's sort of an annex to me now. An archive. Something that's written in the SOP that I have to do but not entirely useful except for that one day you decide to read back on your life and basically go 'wtf' when you do.

Time check: 2.29 AM

Brother just switched the lights off. (Wow am I tweeting or what) And I should be ending soon (PLEASE PLEASE DO) Today I traveled to the ends of the earth to see my friend toss his peaked cap and basically have dinner. And yesterday I had lunch with Mel after breakfast with my family. I'm actually still nervous every time I meet her HAHA. But not in a confidence sort of way (I might add!). Does that make any sense? Probably not because

Time check: 2.37 AM
And I'm out of caffeine in my system.

Sunday, 13 April 2014

Runner's notice

Yesterday I had to make a different decision. To run or take public transport to POP. I decided the latter too mainstream so I ran the former would free my Sunday morning, killing two birds with one stone so I woke up at 4am on Saturday and took off at 5 to the platform.

When you run long distance, you inevitably get a little bored... a little extra observant. You'll notice stuff. Specific stuff. Shall call it runner's notice.

1. Other runners
Cause I'm wondering why the hell are they up at this hour too

2. The lightning storm.
CAT 1? Should I actually be running? What if it rains? What if I get struck by lightning? What has the army been teaching me all this time?!

3. "John Cleese"
I swear when I saw this billboard I thought it was John Cheese. Why is this guy on a billboard? Who is he anyway?

4. The newspaper delivery man
Saw him stack and sort newspaper at the bottom of my house. I think there's something sentimental about seeing such people. Like what are their stories? Are they lonely? What motivates them everyday?

5. Waterbay place?
Just a condo I specifically noticed. Entering into the condo 'division' of  Tanjong Rhu. Actually the name probably ain't correct. Water something.

6. That guy sleeping in one of the shelters on Marina Barrage.
Just a random, probably migrant worker.

7. The lone traveler who took a picture on the bridge from Gardens by the Bay to Marina Bay Sands

8. The probably party-going youngsters catching a cab at 6+ near Marina square.
Or people who eat absurdly early breakfast in nice clothes.

Seasons 2
There is a spring
Where the cherry blossom blooms
Where the sun rises first
To bring clear afternoons

There is a summer
Where the ocean waves swell
Along vast golden beaches
Stretching as far as one can tell

There is an autumn
Where the auburn leaves fall
Littering windswept paths
Along meadows and gentle knolls

There is a winter
Where it gently snows
Across a sea of lights
Where warm fires glow


There is a place

Where the seasons don't change
Only everlasting sunshine
And never ceasing rain.
And that's where I met you

Sunday, 30 March 2014

Take Care

Today I had a decision to make.

To do my weekend run, having just recovered, or to not do it, and set me back the mileage I've worked hard to get.

I guess army thought me something about safety. And after mulling for 30 minutes, I decided I shouldn't let that urge for faster gratification ruin my health. If I'm set back, you just have to do it again. Maybe I didn't have enough resilience training in my life. Or maybe I've had too much. From 16 km to nil again? Gotta keep running.

And why did I get sick in the first place? Complacency. Arrogance. etc. In my forced reflection for CPT Andy I keep writing to take care but forget it when push comes to shove. The hedonistic lifestyle that I guiltily adopted from army has thus taken a toll. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should. Opportunities arise not for you to take every one of them without considering the consequences of overdoing anything that by itself, done once, is overall beneficial.

Busy month ahead... where's my motivation?

Sunday, 16 March 2014

By myself

Today I ran 16.4km. It is a lonely affair I can tell you that.
At this sort of distance you would do well to run at a pace slow enough that you can actually think, a little.
Thought about what I want to do in the future and I realize to me my goal is to just earn enough money in some way to travel and start a family and otherwise live life. At this point Brandon Chia may ask "then what is the point of it all", (mostly paraphrased) So what is it? To enjoy life somehow? Jia Lok did tell me before, we can't just keep comparing to those unfortunate people in ill-stricken countries like Syria, because it's exhaustive, and ultimately perhaps, not useful.
Hang on

Thursday, 13 March 2014

A repost?

From my friend's tumblr, which I have read constantly to this day.

10 Old Fashioned Dating Habits We Should Make Cool Again

1. Coming to the door to pick someone up.
2. Trying to dress really nicely for a date.
3. Bringing flowers or other tokens of affection to the first date.
4. Going dancing that’s not grinding on a grimy club floor.
5. Straightforwardly asking someone out and not calling it “hanging out.”
6. Additionally, being clear about when you’re “going steady.”
7. Romantic gestures like writing poems.
8. Turning electronics off and just being with one another.
9. The general concept of asking permission for things.
10. Not assuming sex is to be had at any point in time.
by Kate Bailey

I've got.... some of it down.

Hold tight

I'll brave confidence
Whatever it took
I'll hold on to doubts
But in knuckle hooks

Because I'm happy
Not in shallow roots
But a tree firmly stood
And I'll stand tall till I fall

And I'll wonder in bliss
If it's all just a miss
But I'll take it, even the pain
In the end with at least something attained

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Looking Up?

At the crossroads
Between keeping a little hope
Or throwing it under a rug
And pretending you've lost it all

Does humor lighten or veil
Despair and banality
Does it spring from lost fervor,
Passion, and energy?

Listening to progressive
But none in your own
Laughing it off as if
This was meant to be

I'm making all these changes, trying to improve my outlook. And I just wonder what happens if I lose the support that's my impetus. I wonder if I'll despair or be resilient. I wonder if I'll generate this apathy that those who fought the longest exhume. I'm... supposed to be doing uni apps; the truest real thing that will change after my life in NS.

I'm wondering why I didn't ask Xun Yi for some intro to J-Rock before, or why it didn't appeal to me then. But SCANDAL is good.

It's just too confusing being an ambivert. (Which spelling btw, doesn't register in blogger) You spend a month or a moment, loving the life by yourself, and somehow you thrive in introspection, or was it all just an illusion? The next month or moment, you cannot sit comfortably at home on a Sunday morning, you wonder why you're so lonely, and you get really chatty.

And I just fucking wonder if I'm really happy at all.

Saturday, 1 March 2014

Dry Spell

Lately, I've taken more than ever to writing in my phone notes. I grow more decadent and unambitious everyday. And I'm the most selfish as I've ever been.

And this is the first time, that not everything on my phone is going up.
"Do I wanna know... if this feeling flows both ways?" -Arctic Monkeys: Do I wanna know
I'm inclined to write my own poems, and in a way they were the only true escapes from this surreal superfluous life. Each day I'm not sure if I should give up let go and channel nihilism, wondering aloud why the need for drama anyway. Or bank it on her. I'm not sure if I should be independent and force aside the rush, or let it out in overzealous tones~

I like how music writes like me. And I love her blog skins.

Please Simple
I don't want to be greedy
I just need to know it's right
I just want you to be there and be happy
at a quarter past 2, the deepest night

We should be no trophy or snatch
Just a shoulder, a hand, a lap.
I can't promise you answers I can
only promise ears.
I'll be faithful and sincere even after all the beers.

Simple and plain, an end to the permanent rain...
Ironic that I hate drama and pain.
When something means this much.

I don't like it when my poems get sloppy. Like you sort of know they're not as inspired... but it's therapy. Just a little.. hope that someone reads.

And I don't want to sleep because I feel so fucking empty.

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Two posts one stone

Dug this up from my iPhone. A bit off-timing haha... I guess I didn't want to post it before because... yeah I shy la huh. haha

Never and Maybe
Never and maybe
We'll be together
Someday in the midday
Shady and cool weather

When the dusts settles
And the sober stretch
After all our battles
Still journeys await

This time more calmly
This time I'll walk slower
And I'll meet you in the park
On the bench by the raintree

Someday in the summer
We'll see each other
Tired but wiser
In loving company.

I always believed that people would eventually find that their other half would just be the familiar face of a best friend, after all the whirlwind relationships with others. And that this love was simple yet deeply profound. Maybe its settling or maybe its just realizing both the pragmatism and graceful romance that it brings.

The point was never to be perfect, but to make up for each other's flaws. Sounds like a movie quote.

If she's reading, pinch of salt please.

A poem ago

I wrote this in BMT and didn't remember to post it... I thought of it doing guard duty, to keep me occupied.

Leaf on an ocean
Cast upon an ocean
Its waters deep and calm
I am but a leaf
the size of a man's palm

Floating with no direction
Drifting infinite
The waves they compel me
With crests, holding tight

I am blamelessly free
Yet emptiness grips me
I am helplessly lost
Save me from this permafrost.

And that would explain tons of how I felt... (not in army but in general)

Saturday, 1 February 2014


I used to do this thing on my blog where I would make the text white to hide certain parts. Secret-ish parts.

Because in a blog, I always wondered. It was like a secret that was there. It was a quaint corner cafe down the alley where the lonely go to and they smile in introspection. It is a place people found, or walked on. But it was always there, with open arms. And you like to know people read you, but perhaps very few actually do, if not none at all. But you still have this corner. And maybe one day people will find it. Maybe one day people will ask. Instead of words, maybe a picture will do.

Vincent Munier, photographer (vincentmunier.com)
Alfred Leonid, artist (google images)

They express... this secret place.

The nights are longest when you make them
But I liked that it went on
Dragged into the nearing hours of morn
I know I should be sleeping

The yawns longer and deeper
And debris from drink and snack
Crashed out a while ago
But in the ruins I stood and went

In transit dawn to dawn
Knowing you are finally free
Didn't explain it fully
Wanting to go on
I know I should be sleeping

Monday, 20 January 2014


Along a shore in the soft lit morning
And barefoot on the shiny sand
A seabreeze catches your shirt
And the salty air in your eyes hurt

I want to cry out in dismay
At how the waves stay calm each day
When the world around it breaks
When my world around it shakes

Making footprints as I go
I will bow my head down low
Instead Ill walk on and on
Ill shut up and carry on

Hands in pockets feeling the chill
Ill take it though the task is uphill
And though I did no wrong
Ill shut up and carry on

Friday, 17 January 2014

Some time

Holy crap I deleted a poem I wrote on my phone by accident. Notes not having undo is terrible.

Leapt across a chasm 
In a barren misty place 
Nobody saw nobody wept 
Just me and the ambient 
Dreamy and free like the windscape 
A palace of me and the world 
Threw caution from judgement and calmly 
Danced and tiptoed in the grey evening 

Should transfer my notes over - if only blogging were that simple - an app that could record offline with ease and then auto upload as soon as there's internet connection.

Runescape had an inherent simplistic beauty in its music and its atmoshere that i love with great nostalgia.
No 3G in my ocs bunk is a real bummer. 

Monday, 13 January 2014


An alto on the inside

 Still plagued by the demons, or were they?

How common you can't tell without comparison. Crossed the boundaries not set by professionals, who could tell, who to kid? Poetry was an excuse born out of despair, justifying lost time and control. Had nights out this evening but decided to stay in. Just took a psychological beating like a girl just and you start to wonder if im supposed to be a guy who just finished teenhood and ocs. All the pent up rage of others and myself especially all the free time... And the dirty toilet led me to the only reasonable action i could take with 2 hrs of spare admin time - clean the toilet with music playing. I can testify it was really annoying havin lost my iphone playlist so i just went for an album - paramore's epogynous one. I had a lot of weird looks from fellow cadets who stayed back and i have to be honest i wasnt sure how to answer the whys. Trying to play hero? Trying to book out earlier with less cleaning to do? (Not like they bother) or is washing the toilet somehow therapeutic...?

Stumbled across 
Laden with debt 
Shadow leading 
Spirit in step 

Across the room
Guilty in dark 
Wandering anxiety 
Biting erratically 

Cant swallow down 
The pills of pride 
Instead i hide 
Bittering my stride 

 Afraid to admit
 Eager to write 
Wanting honesty 
Found wanting myself

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

A new year in poems

I like to surprise people, or turn their heads to the unexpected, unannounced and neglected.
What was my biggest achievements? What really made me feel, just a little bit alive. Writing of course.
The poetry that few people see... and perhaps out of my own choice too.
We all like to think we are victims of some sort. But I hate that arrogant streak. Yet I can't shake it off.

Everyone's got that 'group'. The friends that need you as much as you need them. Where are mine? Or is it that feeling of waking up and realizing how it's already too late? What then? Nobody posts about their solo adventures. Because that's just it. And so maybe there are so many others like me, who spent the new year's, sort of well alone.

I will keep at it. I don't ever want to lose. That touch of difference. I'm not like my brothers, or my friends, or anyone. I'm uncool.. and I'm proud.

A year in green

One full year in the army and I have discovered so much about myself.
Or re-discovered.
Or uncovered... and still no closer to what the protagonist in kite runner found - redemption. A way out.
A way forward.

Bleak, dark.
Lost for words when it's time for them.
Like the moment has passed.
Poetic Inspiration.
They say some of the great poets and inventors always kept a notepad with them, in case of that moment.
The moment just before bed, or staring out the window.

Years came and went like this.
I amble on.

Thoughts on swords and games.
The question is did I have someone to spend new years with, and squandered it.

I wish I had the courage to post and not be frightened by judgement.
Why am I so defensive?
We all know the answers but we don't know or don't want the solutions.