The 2AM Teenage Sleeper's Diary

Its 1907
I'm sitting alone in Borders Bookstore. I'm supposed to be writing drafts for Teacher's day cards while I wait for my photos accompanying the cards to be printed. But that can wait.

From a head to a heart person.
Thinking heavily as I sit here, and it bites.

Every time I'm alone this happens. I believe too much in the 'ENFJ' (my profile) description: 'Dark thoughts when the person is alone'.

Husain speaks of strength in being alone, yet I wonder if his family plays a part, unlike mine mostly. Or maybe I just have some screwed up mental image of what a family should be like. I wouldn't know.

I want to help others but as I stop doing so, the floodgates of liquid insecurity flood in.

Apparently more people than I thought read my blog. Well its OK. Let people know I have emotions. Let them know that leaders have weaknesses, soft spots. I am human and I am humbled. I admit to them all and deal with them somehow. Maybe this is one way. This doesn't make me unsuitable to be a leader nor a Rafflesian. Leaders need empathy and honesty. How does one feel others without figuring out himself. Irrational thinking is one thing. Strong ideals is another.

I'm a rebellious one. Talking so much about being lonely when I have Jesus. Always with me. Forgive me Lord. Thanks Jia Lok.

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Doing the teacher's day cards. Makes me tear up. Because I miss VS so much and I don't know why. I literally cannot explain why I love to go back. I have even forgotten so much of my time there. Mdm Kwok's lessons seem so so so far away, and its so sad. Don't take those memories away from me.

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God I need sleep and a hug.

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What is my calling?

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Train
Just like a movie scene,
when your eyes glean,
I just want to lean over and give a kiss
Away from crowds, unseen.

But I know my place,
Feelings just move too fast a pace,
As though part of a race
With this train moving through space.

Let's ignore the proximity,
Cause well... my parents would surely deem me silly.
Let's just watch the stations go by.
I'm not longing, really.

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More Victoria Street - Street Photography

In the dead of night

Many things prompt me to post. Many others prompt me to post-pone. And sooner or later my mind is prone to forget them all. Such is the difficulty of journaling your life.

The time I started this post: 0037
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The flow of thoughts have been channeled to various other places
My Black Notebook
Directly to God
Close friends
All of which I didn't have before. Just saying ~

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Every time I pray I get more tired and more rested at the same time

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Relationships are so complex.
Sometimes I wonder what to say to a friend who's not yet close. Take the first step in opening up? I'm optimistic about people, and so far opening up first works to some degree. Maybe I'm just an extrovert.

And then you have close friends. You wonder if you should tell them all your problems. Will it come off as too needy? Hasn't this person talked to you about it before? And what if that person is also always looking to you for comfort? I sometimes feel like a burden to some people. Wait no. All the time x(. But I've discovered to some extent, people genuinely want to listen and help. So I know when a person is always telling me his/her problems, I'll tell him/her my own, because we rely on each other. I know in that person's position I'd feel really awkward and embarrassed, and ever so glad if the person reciprocates, because it kind of signals trust.

And then about advice giving. I guess in a way when people talk to you they are looking for some response, so its definitely good to do so. What's the limit though? Asking from people your own age or worse, below your age, can be a scary thing. Its like establishing that he or she is already 'superior' in that respect. Once again about balancing... I just don't like to give the impression that I'm better in any way. Or that I understand everyone and everything. Obviously not.

If you know a friend who just seems to be perfect at everything, sometimes it just doesn't work out because its as if that person doesn't need you but you need the person. I guess I feel that the best friends complement each other, not revere each other. Heh. Don't be afraid to show a little emotion. Not all the time of course. (Need to learn that haha)

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Constantly trying to 'culture' myself. Its sort of conditioning. My current aim is to appreciate poetry more :) I actually used to write a lot but because I sucked and no one liked them I stopped heh. Likewise I didn't understand it all that well.

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Reading blogs does not mean I'm free luh >< just saying. You know who you are.
Its a gesture and a pleasure. I love people, and perhaps bloggers a little more. I want to be there at their best and at their worst. Its always a pleasant (?) surprise to find an emotional post all of a sudden. Not because I wallow in other people's misery! (ZOMG :<) But because of my perfect mental picture of these awesome people, I discover a clue to their humanity, with all their worries, sins and weariness. Sometimes just knowing a person is not just the superficial high-ness he/she exudes most of the time, is enough for me to give them the highest respect as individuals. To know that inside them, they think, they reflect, they go through grievances and anxiety, etc.

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Bleah. I'm rambling.
Its now 0121. Don't worry, during the post I was doing other things.

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Yesterday
PW with my group the mosquito/bully boys. I'll admit, sometimes I get really nasty thoughts like 'why the hell is my life filled with so many guys ._.' but that's just life. Just God's plan. Cut the despo crap and live. "I'm not the cliqueish kind and I always support being alone if you feel that the people around you do not bring  positive benefits to the soul. Being alone is different from being lonely, you make the active choice to have time for yourself to reflect and be a better person. Being lonely is just an act of desperation and a state of mind. " From my friend's blog. Really love it. Thanks. 


And that loneliness led me to the RPS outing directly after the PW meeting. I actually till now don't quite understand why I immediately entered emo don't want to talk to people mode as I walked down the busy street with D90 in hand. (Hmm just had an epiphany, need to give my camera a name like Rifdi gives his bike). I reasoned that street and architecture photography just makes me sink into that mood. Artists are moody and eccentric ~ I would talk about it longer, cept its really late.


Upload or don't upload photos on to FB or not... hmm
0137~

You, Me, Photography

Used to walk alone amongst the snowy trees,
Used to climb alone around the rocky crevice,
Used to see the streets alone overcast by cloud and architecture,
Used to me.

But the picture has evolved,
There is one more shadow in the Abyssinian mountain-scape.
The Northern Lights that satisfied (before), now magnifies alongside radiance.
The Pyramids that inside afterlife hid, I will capture together with (another) life instead.

Another life beside me as I walk.
A loving soul accompany as I climb.
Finally, I can see it all clearer now.
Discomforting excitement pervades my new dreams.

The label 'narrative' is now for anything associated with literature (need not be english either)

Notice

The change in picture.

Since I'm participating in this: http://www.justinngphoto.com/thousand-dollar-international-photography-competition/

Can't take chances. Anyways...

IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY HAHA. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=254509954569310&set=a.253037038049935.62187.146105272076446&type=1&theater

Must show enthusiasm for photog!

Challenge and Routine

I've discovered something profoundly good in just reading the Bible and praying everyday. A kind of personal challenge and routine. So far these are what I do everyday:

1. Max Pull-ups
2. Read Scripture & Pray
3. Miscellaneous things (Brush, floss, etc.)

I used to do these everyday

1. Read the newspaper
2. Read TIME & the Economist
3. Weights Training
4. Blog (Tentative)

So should I start these??
1. Do something Chinese everyday
2. Take one photo of the day
3. Restart some of the old habits (Newspaper for example)

Start practicing what you preach ~
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Is Grohl really playing the guitar like the drums Rifdi? @_@

Sportsman

The last description of the Victorian Vision.

I remember once Mr Maran or Mr Low talking about why Gentleman Professional Sportsman was ordered in a certain way. Firstly, because you must have a good attitude first and foremost, with decorum, but more than that, a gentleman must be caring and compassionate. Next, professionalism, because you need to be efficient, be fast, be skilled, be diligent, be hardworking, and lastly, Sportsman. Sportsman because the outcome of your work, determined perhaps by the first two characters, doesn't matter. Its how you played the game in the first place. If you win, congratulate your opponents for putting up a good show, encourage those whom look up to you. If you lose, play fairly always, don't be a sore loser, congratulate those whom you've lost to, and be sporting, learn from them. In addition to being a sporty player, outgoing, gung ho, giving your all.

This is a tribute to my classmate Lee Jing Wei because he is one of the finest sportsman there is. He has majestic skill in any sport, but more importantly, he never puts you down if you are weaker. Of course, its just a feel good thing to have a buff, sporty person compliment your smallest improvements and sporting attitude, despite being slightly weaker at sports like me.

In contrast though, just yesterday playing Table Tennis with Yi Hui, a table tennis player, might have put one off the sport. Sure, she really plays with you all the way though she's obviously bored. The thing is she just doesn't talk to you, and have no qualms showing how bored she is. She'll start talking to the next table's players and act like you're some brick wall she's playing with. And the thing is, I don't suck OK. Table Tennis is already one of my best sports. But forget it. People might just have forgotten that sports is about having fun, playing the good game, friendly competition, and new friendships, even between opponents.

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Recently a lot of people have started talking to me on a whole new level. So to all of you, know this. I will bear the weight of all your troubles with you.

The Idealist in Singapore

Aren't ideals meant to be strong? Isn't that why they are ideals? Because they shine as a beacon amongst the stormiest of weathers. Yet over and over again, this lighthouse of morals and courage comes under the rapid fire of lightning for being the tallest of concepts. And it is torn down.

Why is it that children; optimistic, brave, albeit a little naïve, have to come under siege from the poor, lazy cynicism of adults? The empty shells of human existence and cold realist who have stopped caring about their community. Weariness overpowers all, to the point that those who press on are considered childish.

Hence I am repeatedly told to quit the conviction. Defiance shouldn't be the answer, yet I relent over and over again. My perspective and views, my assumptions, my pure hopeful optimism, is the last lighthouse left.

So should one give up, after all?
I still keep this at the back of my notebook.
Never forget who you are

Why have I become so Philosophical again

Blogger's Responsibility

So today Mrs Lim told us to beware of what we post online, more warning shots fired.
Sigh. A grave paradox that we cannot be who we are yet we have to be honest to the scholarship board. It is unfortunate that there is a disconnect between image and personality.

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Mr Meg is an admirable Principle. He articulates well, and better yet, he actually values character in an academically-intensive school. He reminds me of Mr Low. Jia Lok reminded me of the difference though. While Mr Meg upholds realism in a sense that he emphasizes that the dishonourable students in my school are a minority (though I'm not entirely sure), and hence will not deface the school openly. But Mr Low, is convicted to ideals and even once reprimanded students even in front of a panel of foreign exchange students.

Even though I'm pretty idealistic, I am heavily in doubt that the school will change unless more is done, firstly, with the student leaders. I know a handful of councilors for example, that actually skip class and commitments. How do you expect the rank-and-file to uphold integrity when they easily succumb to the convenient excuse of 'councilors are doing it'?

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I am starting to avoid words altogether because of my distaste for unsophistication and ubiquity.

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I talked to a downtrodden friend today for roughly 3 hours. It was nice.

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Friendships are always formed on common grounds. A mutual friend maybe, a particular interest in dead skin not implausible. Or it could be quite literally common grounds; your neighbour. I held the door into the condo open for a TKGS student who lives next door but for the longest time remained nameless in my head. Its these sort of actions that can open up a person. So in the lift I asked for her name, and therefore I have gained a new friend named Elizabeth :)

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Harmony | Asymmetrical Balance | New York City

Silent

If I had time I would do so many more things that I enjoy. But I don't.
So Bro please understand, I'm neither a tool nor a pushover. You are a million times physically stronger than me, but in spirit you are bankrupt. You turned away from the Lord, you drink, you swear with no self-control when playing a simple video game. I respect you vastly and love you more, and I may always be a little brother to you, but I have priorities and problems too.

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I lost my earphones.
I always imagined God was speaking to me through the songs that played on shuffle, indeed, it effectively washed away all worry and sin for some time and it through melody and lyrics that I overcame even in a time before I accepted Jesus.
So what does it mean? Why am I to lose the sanctity and escapism of music?
Time to face the music without.

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I am deeply concerned for my family... Elder brother, spouting vulgarities 24/7... Mother, scolding colleagues and family 24/7... Father, seems like he smokes in secret... Younger Brother, pampered, ill-disciplined, and turning to the computer 24/7. God help them and use me as a vessel to bring them to Christ.

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Don't stop the music and piano Jia Lok.


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We have lost a real sense of education. Human curiosity has been reduced to wondering if this is counted for promos. The spirit of learning embellishes school missions but the mission of the school embodies grades. Still, it's the best option for a majority.

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The irony that God is the only source of strength in a godless world.
Our old colonial masters have churned a generation of feral butter from sour milk.

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The surge of tumblr references - the memes in particular, is a curious thing. Selfish me wouldn't share the joy and jokes, yet the true person will seek beyond the humorous truths to the deep grievances and poetry of an online community made of mishaps and freaks - all of us on earth.

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How many times have we heard a cheesy song,
How many times have we read a cliché quote,
How many times have we have we brushed them off, only to realize all your true inner-feelings?
To whom I've never mentioned explicitly but still enjoy your blogs that do not list on the sidebar.

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Reflections of a Modern City

Fine

Fine. Judge.
Fine. Perceive.

So in fact I cannot uphold the sanctity of this blog because I must sacrifice for the greater good.
So in fact, I can only turn to God. For all fall short of his glory.

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Day Away, Holy Spirit

Keep me Company

A rustle of mellow from my speakers.
Just another silent night, just above rusty red rooftops.
Turn, a grey moonlight seeps into my solitude.

Waxing and waning in nighttime daydreams,
Feeling the scratch of ink on bark, a beep, a buzz?
Not my pen, but my heart.

Stop. Scan Screen. Smile Sheepishly
"Hey!"
"Hello :)"
Its a beautiful night with someone to share it with.

Re-collective blogging

Some time ago I decided I didn't want to blog by recounting the events of the past few days in detail.

Why?

You know that feeling you get when you read about past friend's blogs or their facebook and you feel you don't know them anymore? 

And some people just read your blog to read about themselves haha. So they might just skip to the part about them or something heh.

Lastly, its really exhausting and if you faithfully blog about every single day despite the mundanity, you might just lose the kind of intimacy your blog can express about someone.

But I guess everyone leads their own lives and its just impossible to be that sort of 'best friend' you see on American school series. In a way, if a friend really is a good friend, he/she will take the time to read about your lives anyway, and not feel disconnect. As Jia Lok said, there are two kinds of good friends. One who will talk to you basically everyday about random stuff and hang with you in class, etc. The other, who might be the evolution of the first, the one who can't see you everyday anymore, but when you meet up and talk, you just talk. Forever :) Woo Rifdi I'm always listening!! :D

And I guess its OK if you don't the whole thing anyway (who has the time?). So maybe I'll try it out! (Haha actually its cause I just read someone's blog and I was touched she mentioned me :x)

And of course, if its not on your blog, its almost as if you didn't really care much about it, ya know? I guess its a little selfish to keep all these thoughts to yourself. Arrr I'm not really thinking straight right now, my speech is getting ineligible. Watching NDP parade right now. :>

From my Junior! "The irony of us singing how much we love Singapore when the rest of the 364 days we're complaining about our country."

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Saturday

I only knew about the scholarship day when it disrupted photog activities. As you can see, I care a lot about my future. Ma'am Poh asked me to accompany her again and was determined not to be super pang seh this time. Instead, someone else did the pang seh-ing (if you happen to be reading, I read your blog, its OK the almighty chairman forgives you haha joking joking :x) I met my classmate soon after anyway.   Not sure I'm looking at MFA now that I know the competition...

Requiem! Excite excite! Only 5 people! Dislike dislike!

As a young boy it was difficult to sympathize. Watching war flicks and dramas garnered little emotion from me. I tried though. I listened to the stories, and imagined myself in those scenarios. This technique I had to master even more during MPS. So now perhaps I've grown a little more connected. War is truly atrocious. I didn't really understand the importance of photography perhaps only up till now, especially when Shirlene the guide shared about how war veterans visiting the roaming exhibition across the world would share stories and sometimes even spot themselves in the pictures. Really think more people, especially from a generation of peace, needs to see this.

Lunch with Yi Feng and Clare. Great to meet more history fans!! :D I guess I'm not the most well-read but I still love the subject heh. I recall my first encounter with history proper was playing Age of Mythology, used to imagine having a simple life staying on an Olive Farm in Ancient Greece. 

Anyway, to a friend. We've only known each other for so long. I didn't really know what to say heh. Quite honestly coming from a boy's school, I'm a little shyer talking htht with a girl than I might reveal. (but I've been told I'm pretty good at it anyway heh) But I really hope you can get back up and not be afraid of your past or your emotions. I think I understand how you feel, and believe me when I say its worse for a guy to cry and I have. So sorry if I didn't give you advise you were looking for but no matter what I'll always have ears to listen and eyes which prefer a smile anytime OK? :) Haha, but anyway from reading your blog can tell you already have such good friends, always treasure them :)

Had lunch with my family eating Spanish in Vivo. My food photography really sucks :( Going for dinners and eating nice food is probably the only way my family bonds. A little concerned for my younger brother because I know he'll feel lonely when my parents and me and my elder bro start talking about 'adult' stuff. I'm already a little tired writing but must 持之以恒. My mom used to try and get me to drink a little but I always refused, so she stopped. My elder brother drinks... a lot.

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Sunday

Church in the morning and it happened to be the 25th anniversary of FCBC. Haven't really grown much in the church, more by myself. I guess besides the sermons, I'm not that attached to the church yet. Really liked the junior pastor talking about how we've built four walls around the church when a church is the people, and we should be, as always, more like Jesus, getting up, getting out. So far have been a little subdued in my faith, yet if I want to grow closer, I must somehow, separate myself from humanity because unfortunately, humans fall so short. Reminds me of that episode in Avatar, the last Airbender when Aang had to choose to give up his connection to earth in order to use the Avatar mode freely. Sigh... and in a way I feel in the same position as Aang... whatever is chaining me here I mean.

After that I had to work on PW with Joshua and gang. Bought them KOI because they all deserve something for their past work and to motivate them a little I guess. Was productive at first because I found something for everyone to do but got difficult of course ending with 3 people playing and 2 people doing slow work. I think its OK because its rather difficult to work all day on a Sunday afternoon.

Dinner with the residents of Pasir-Ris Punggol that culminated in the most spectacular fireworks I have ever seen in my life. However due to my abysmal photog skills I didn't get any good fireworks shots.  Shaun/Shawn from HCI slapped me in the face with the comment 'Science students are so boring'. Didn't know how to respond but kind of made me dazed the whole dinner.

The night didn't end after talking with Joy on the train. Reached home just in time to receive more PW work and Joshua giving me another slap in the face with his 'Sam and I think the whole chapter 3 is wrongly done'. (I finished that chapter)... explains my earlier post. But besides that I think some people take professionalism so seriously it actually degrades the quality of work. Kind of difficult to talk about non-PW related stuff to Joshua in that way, but I guess I understand why they try to be serious. Just that I feel some may forget we are friends sometimes, not just project-mates. Really glad I had someone to talk to throughout the night that didn't seemed pissed at me. Heh.

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Monday

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play I had to wake up early despite the 3am madness the day before. So it was by some weird homeostasis that my body reacted to sleepiness with an overdose of highness heh. Unfortunately my class didn't react the same way sigh. Its alright though... let's just be patient. 

After Blum'z house (which I don't have much to say quite frankly), talked to Jeremy, Jia Lok, Zhe Yuan and Yong Xien about different things... don't think I have time to blog about and went to RGS for the first time with Rifdi, Yong Jia and Justin to watch our mutual friend Ash (and my new mutual friend Min Yan!) do the opening act! The overall the concert was stellar anyway :) Too bad didn't get a chance to properly explore RGS heh. Dam Rifdi is so easy to talk to and the VS guys (and RG girls) really appreciate the highness and spontaneity! Love the candidness of the RG girls and how they're so supportive of each other heh.

That was. A mouthful/handful. I don't think I'll ever have time to blog like that in a while.

A house divided cannot stand on its own

Abraham Lincoln quoted this from the bible.

In a generation of anti-PAP and indifferent Singaporeans, how long will it take before a crisis strikes and Singapore breaks? What will it take for heroes like Lim Bo Seng, Lee Kuan Yew and Toh Chin Chye to appear? Just a day ago I observed on as my schoolmates laughed when the world war II documentary talked about how disembodied heads were hanged around Singapore by the Japanese to inspire fear and obedience during World War II.

It is true that we can't be stuck in the past and that we should be hopeful and opinionated individuals rather than paranoid and unquestioning youngsters. Yet after all the slander on our Social Studies Textbooks as 'brainwash' and expressed irritancy at all the warnings of our vulnerability, I would say we have become a little too complacent and spoilt, and ungrateful.

Not enough people appreciate the value of History.

I must clarify that not everyone is so, just that there are not enough. I hope no one becomes a fanatic and get angry and every joke thrown against Singapore's quirks, just that I'd like to see more people express some love for their country.

And of course we go back to the same question: Why should we love Singapore?
I guess its true that we didn't choose to be born here, its true we didn't get an ideal life, it is true that we may not be the best country. Yet it is a question of gratefulness and values, are you the kind of person who will be thankful for help, for nurture, even when you didn't ask for it? I didn't choose to go to Ngee Ann Primary, heck, I wasn't very happy at first going into VS.

I implore students to appreciate, accept, and adore your life, because you were born here, not because you chose to be born here. You cannot choose your entire life, you can choose to cherish it nonetheless.

Project Work

I thought I was one of the most enthusiastic and prepared for this.

But all I've managed to do as group leader was screw up and screw up and have Joshua and Sam doing things behind my back, and doing everything right. And Joshua half telling everyone what to do.

Joshua and Megan are kind of alike.

Granted, I think both of them need to trust in people more, and maybe empathize a little, realize others are not the same as them

Back to work.

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So romantic :/

Choir

Sitting next to Lien Chew/talking to him, was a bad idea. Couldn't concentrate for the whole day after that. Shucks. Can't post about that now...
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Looking at my FB picture makes me sick. The smiling, crazy face. Does not. Resonate. The coffee must have ran out.
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I realized I didn't really talk much about it except on my FB note.
But it has insidiously stuck to my lonely singing on the streets, in class, in my room.
I realize now that all the extra air-drumming, conducting, singing and humming are all just the backdrop of a lost time ago.

No amount of photography can replace the choir in my heart. So as Jun Yew once said, "Keep Singing".

I think one of the biggest reasons why I would have joined VJ choir is just to sing 'No man is an Island'.

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Today was a perfect day to do something. I didn't.
Rifdi - what has you done? Another song in my head because of you.

All these coldplay songs are like background music to graduation and handover videos.

You can hope and change

After that post on my class 'spirit', I spoke at lengths with classmates and what not, and they agree with me about the situation. It sucks. But the difference is that they've given up about it and hence have no qualms joking about it, while I continue to hope. Will always hope. It is only with courageous optimism that anything can happen. Evil exists because good men do nothing.

Today in class I fell off my chair by accident. If I were in 4D people would probably immediately go, "OMG LIKEEN ARE YOU OK?" In 6E some turned their heads momentarily and without a trace of concern turned back. One girl laughed at me. Meh. Perhaps they thought I was Ok and there wasn't any point asking. Meh. I'll still hope.

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SINGAPORE!

MPS Escape

I love MPS.

I love... Just helping people.

I love... Being useful.

I love... Singapore.

I love... having a clear priority; the residents come first. Not homework. Not RPS.

I love... the volunteers.

I love... the quiet evening of therapeutic typing

I love... knowing there are less scummy people on earth

Will post a picture of bald me soon.