Sunday, 31 July 2011

Wake up to the sound of reality

I decided. To just. Sleep. And inevitably whenever I'm ready to take on things, nothing comes. And when i need rest, everything comes. Raffles Photog. Why?

Then. My class.

Fuck you RJ. Fuck all you Asians.

Dark thoughts of an ENFJ

The familiar aftermath of a bittersweet memory.
Once a Victorian, always a Victorian. And Victorians, are something more.
Loneliness is something you feel only when you realize.
After typing that, I suddenly decided to pray.
Today, church was. Compelling. A reminder that true faith is giving up everything.
I don't think I'm ready for that, definitely.
A reminder that music, photography and God, are my only everlasting friends.
I am invariably affected by emotion. One simple event to crash my entire day, or perhaps one complicated day to crash that single event.


None of us want to ask for it. Ask for help, ask for relief, ask for slack. Instead we scream it out in different actions and reactions.


Often we see a person, and we are selfish. We are selfish because we think the person needs you especially, and the person treasures you the most. But you look at their profile picture, you read their blog, you witness a conversation between them and a stranger to you, you delve deeper into an abyss of curiosity and loneliness because you realize the person isn't that best friend you were looking for. Isn't the affectionate friend, the soulmate maybe, that we all go out of our way to keep.

Those moments when you think you're having the time of your life just chatting, and the person sees another friend, and just. Leaves. You. Hanging. That person. Doesn't need you. 

So we are not needy. We are needy to be needed.

Maybe he needed you. But humans are fickle and ungrateful. And change is the only constant. I met Mr Wong yesterday and he said that. I think despite all the clichés, it still matters to me that a teacher connects on a different level, that you do not just teach a subject. That they share things outside the syllabus, outside their subject sometimes. So thank you Mr Wong. You may not have said the most deep and inspiring quotes in my life, but simple words and phrases, coming from a Chemistry teacher, is really, comparably, great. RJ teachers can be rather impersonal. It is understandable of course, but downright annoying.

Facebook Groups are forgotten. Friends are forgotten. Teachers are forgotten. Schools are forgotten. Families are forgotten. Everything. Is fucking. Forgotten.

Some people. They just forget you, and then when they are vulnerable, are you supposed to help them? Obviously. But how do you know they need you? Consistency is always lost with humans in the picture.

I don't have that 'best friend'. I am a floater. Wading across different social groups as the temporary excitement of the conversation. But I don't want to be part of the one clique. It is in my belief that our class for example, has to start somewhere, with someone. Bryan Lum led the way, but none have followed. So I try. But he too, has obvious cliques. And so do I. I am hindered by both sides. One, doesn't want to engage on a deeper level, the other, wants me to stay with them forever, or don't join at all. And in the end, I only sacrifice myself for an impractical ideal.

And I will not be afraid in spilling. In being socially incorrect.


I am a shadow of everyone. I pick a person to be like in certain situations. And it is the combination of all this near-xeroxing that I have pushed the only true part of myself, into a lonely space. Webspace. Its called keepingincheck.blogspot.com


Singapore needs a country side. A space. And I wish I had the time, and friends, to just visit there, the one, two, three of us. The sky is the most beautiful change everyday

An off-day at RJC is a full day at VS

I went back the other day and wanted to post this but I forgot. Its OK though. And all this questioning of both my faith and Victorian Spirit is another pathway of impulses in my brains that I cannot afford to engage now.

PW is a subject that has good intentions but leaves the best of students struggling instead of doing proper work. Let's hope it gets better


Taking IHC squash was a challenge. The courts were located underground (low-light), had only one angle for photographers (behind a glass wall from the back), and was cramp (limited mobility). My shots in the end, weren't good, but I enjoyed learning in the process :) Sounds like some reflection. but just wanted to say, to all photographers who would listen. Always try, always challenge, and improve... always!

Friday, 29 July 2011

Well she was just, 17! You know, what I mean!

Lyrics from the Beatles: I saw her standing there.

I saw her at the canteen today and felt anxious. I waved and she waved back and I flopped. I saw her on the list of IHC and I regretted. And then I wrote a blog post and said to myself. Who cares. I have God.

First Panorama. Shot at MacRitchie.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

When will it pass?

I'm busy. And I feel it eat me up inside. This too, shall pass.


National Day is coming. You don't choose where you grow up in. You choose to have hope for it, and be grateful for what it has given you. We're not made in the USA! The guitar solo familiar? :P


The angular geometry of the clouds created a beautifully artificial looking sunset at MacRitchie

Tuesday, 19 July 2011


I know I should be sleeping. But my hair is still wet. But I have a strong feeling I need to reflect today.

And feelings are important.

After countless instances of ruthless logic displayed by my mother, perhaps there is still a humanity in me that compels my soul to be... soulful. That even after all the calculative and cold thoughts I have, I till have a desire to be... different. And that balance is important, its who I am.

It reminds me of a long held respect for Taoism. A faith that once again I have been reminded off this evening by a chance meeting with  a fellow volunteer at Punggol South Branch who is part of both the Taoist federation, and I'm not joking... the Sikhism Association. Round of applause <3 Singapore.

This is because the Taoist's most famous symbol, of Yin and Yang, is something I believe in. About balance, about the fact that to be whole, there are always two sides. That there is always an alternative way of thinking about this question, etc. Its about reflection. About the opposite yet the same. That light cannot exist without darkness is one of the most famous examples of both literature and physics.


I'm just going to say it, its still difficult. I refrain from saying that Megan is difficult, because that's rude and that's wrong. Rather, I seem to have developed some form of language when I talk to different people. Again. I do not speak the same way to everyone. Is that good or bad? Does it show openness or lack of sincerity? Its a complex issue.

But my brain hasn't processed a way to talk to Megan. Granted, I still have no idea how to engage some of the people in my class, but I don't have to work with them, do I? When Megan talks on a professional level, it is really really professional. Like perhaps the way you would talk to an unengaged teacher mentor. Its like when you read a text with no smileys or 'haha's or 'lol's. Its kind of. Cold. And increasingly so she talks like that... I wonder if she thinks I'm weird or difficult to talk to or something. Meh :/ you know, I just don't really have time to think about that right now.

Then there's her side where whatever you say needs to be carefully thought because she's going to read it like an experienced historian. True, she might be joking. I dislike ambiguity like that though. Well she probably is joking when she's talking as a friend.

Trouble starts when she mixes that analysis with work, then it starts to get frustrating.
Get this: I think more than you think. 
Not saying I engage in more thought than you. Rather, you are underestimating my ability to take into account all sides, about balance, something I obsess over too much. Often when I make a suggestion, it ends up with me and her having to explain myself with many 'as in's and 'like's (seriously, she spams them in her convos). Of course, I think I'm rather cynical here. I believe that we're both more effective leaders than we give ourselves credit for, and this back and forth clarification and frustration is a way of showing we mean business.

If I told that to her, she'll probably immediately comment that we shouldn't be too arrogant. And I pause and think: That's what I would say actually. So I have discovered through typing this post: She's just like me. Annoying.

Scary thing though, somehow she knows I like/used to like/like but don't really care Deborah. Dam scary. Hmm. She could be reading... Hmm.. don't give  a damn frankly. In fact, let the whole world read. I have only one request: You read a post as a whole, and not pick the chunks that form a one-sided suspicion. Even if you don't or can't read every dam thing (understandable), I suggest you don't assume things about me. Because it might be that one thing that pisses me off the most. Assumptions.


Have to start training. Only then will I be able to build my track record.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Victorian Challenge / Bullying

They're not exactly related topics.

Once again I felt the excitement of a new day. Victorian Challenge day. When was the last time I felt this good? SYF, Rhapsody, camps, probably. Or maybe every single day I was in VS. This was actually my first so to speak, since I missed the one which 4 years ago as per tradition due to an overseas choir competition. Was kind of sad not being able to cheer, but got to sing again with me juniors... miss choir.

Don't know why, but something compels you to just. Just do it. No one cares if you can't run 10km like them. No one cares if you're not a buff-lord. Just do your best.

Gentleman, Professional, Sportsman.


Attending the bullying forum must have seen boring to my group mates. Yet every word spoken seemed clearly relatable to me. (Despite the Honky pronounciation) In case you don't know. I bullied a classmate once in Primary School. I didn't really understand, didn't really care what he felt.

Listening to the survey, I was probably a reactive aggressor. But that means I must have been somehow bullied in other ways before. Tch. I do think pretty insecurely sometimes. Screw it. I've changed.


With development like that, there will be less of a sky and more of skyline

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Education Resolution

It takes something meaningful to hurt.
I took all my papers back non-chalantly, except GP
You know you should be caring when you talk to people of Kwang Ik and Rachel's calibre, at a certain intellectual level yet fall short of their exam standards tremendously. Or if a close friend tells you he's awful at the subject and asks for your help, but succeeds you mercilessly.

To realize that what you've been doing doesn't work, to realize how much you've been working won't do.

Unprepared for a tragedy.

Somehow my mind thinks its my responsibility to balance every possible argument. I am have an innate irritation to one-sidedness. If it is something I am for, I dislike it that they are possibly making the cause I'm for seem worse off. For something I'm against, it only confirms my views yet irks me.

The letter to the education minister by the sec 4 was commendable, due partially to the lack of commendable peers of his generation, and his ever so often balancing of his own argument. Yet he only seems to acknowledge exceptions, when indeed these exceptions are large enough to polarize the debate. For one thing, the premise that our education system stifles creativity is generally accurate in truth, but perhaps regarding the fact that 'elite' schools (eww I hate the term) generally favour more enriched environments (though evidently in Raffles, many students are still not receptive).

Also, he should understand the idealism in his suggestions. Unfortunately, I do not believe his peers are as capable as him. Neither does Science cater for much creativity you see. Changing keywords is not a good thing when they are international standards. Nor do the West want to let go of their monopoly on talent. Given that their Universities still look for such tests results, does not leave Singapore much of an option when NUS is not an Ivy League.

At 16, I am cynical that any form of freedom will be used comprehensively and with maturity as of yet, with of course the exceptions. Imagine what happens when you give freedom of speech. Sure you get some pretty cool and insightful remarks... drowned out by the sound of idiots who did not bother to get their facts straight.

The cold fact is facts. Memorization is sometimes as necessary as knowing photography equipment. I hate the fact that we have to browse lens, talk about minimum aperture values and whatnot. But it has been rare to find a clever photography with artistic skill compensating for technical know-how. Basics first, relax 16 year old, you still have your whole life to express yourself. Its whether you realize it later or not.


Climb every mountain, ford every stream.



最近跟Joshua和Jia Lok开玩笑我没有social aptitude。(我知道脑里全部都是用英语想,而我的‘一子一换’的方式会造成很多错误)


问题是这样。有时,在学校,巴士上,吃饭,温习时候,等等,我会想起些希望在博客上写的东西。脑海中会浮出些'poetic english'来。结果,因为我逼自己写华语,没办法写出那些awesome的英语。。。

等一下。我在讲rubbish.上面的话全部跟题目没关系。而且我应该早一点睡。Grrr。其实题目只要告诉你,我又感到inceptiondejavu。刚才在巴士跟一位学生谈天时发现环境我都认识,而且也记得梦里有安事告诉我-这女孩会成您的女朋友。真是的。上帝还要给我个message说:不要关心,love angels instead.可是,也许他也不管lol,只是我想太多。



No need to torture yourself over girls.
I'm loving angels instead.
Sometimes I like to think its through the songs on shuffle that he speaks to me. Meh, maybe he isn't, but I also like to pretend I have stuffed toys that are living in a spirit. What an awesome God :)

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Unsure how to title these PFs

If God is for us, who can be against us?


After my brother came back, told me to upload the Swiss pics, so I finally finished them.

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Routine eating me inside

Every weekend I get fucking existential

Notice Picture has no borders
Get mind blown

Anguish and Empathy

I heard from Jia Lok that Yan Mei isn't doing well.

I couldn't tell and I didn't know... I'm so louzy :(

I just realized I the whole day in school today I was walking with her and I couldn't tell but she must have been mulling over her econs paper.

In other words. I'M SOCIALLY AWKWARD.

Let me break it down for you: Talking about deep stuff, trying to cheer someone up -> Lame joke. Fuck.

In my head I say, if I can't be myself maybe I'm the right person to cheer this guy up. But that sucks. I just hope... that one day that one person will laugh and smile again. I read something on Tumblr that was touching and relevant to me. Hey wait, that just represents the whole of Tumblr. :x

... but inside I really feel true anguish. I may not be empathize at times, but from MPS and Jia Lok I'm learning to do it better I guess... But even without it, I have a good imagination. I can imagine a future without both of them. And it fucking hurts. In a weird way, they were like my parents I could actually talk to abt problems haha.

Solution: Text and Pray


Music is worth so much more than Pop.

Thursday, 7 July 2011


The post-US trip madness. Is over at last.

Firstly, the social mania has dissolved
Factors: Tiredness; Lack of motivation; lack of friends; Piling workload; Becoming a Christian :)

Secondly, acceptance and toning down of vanity (a bit :X)
Factors: Signed up for Hair for Hope; Various other acts of disregard for public image

Thirdly, slacking mode deactivated
Factors: Workload threshold reached; Above two reasons; Prayer; Found my birthday present notebook

I remember Brenda told me to ask God anything. Obviously I was reluctant. Who the hell cares about my problems?! Go save Mexico from drug lords! Go save Libya from war! Go save the world from angry birds! (Just saying) She told me that in fact, I'm being selfish, that telling the lord your problems, asking him for things, is a blessing to him. So while I pray for the MPS people who come to visit me, I cheekily add in my own insignificant problems. Asked for some guidance on my co-ed problems a few times.

So today I got trolled back by God. Hehe seems like Blasphemy? Neh. I believe that if one has enough faith, he should not be bothered by it, because in the end, it doesn't matter, it doesn't change your faith, etc. Because logic and whatnot, is separate in my opinion. 

Woke up early and thought: YES Seems like today is the day I make it to the OG table and can see her again! But a whole bunch of delays set me back, including a lost car, a stomachache, lost socks, what not. So it was on the train ride when I realized today turned out not to be that day. I was again mischievously sounded out in my head in a somewhat Kwang Ik style: "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WITH/SEE HER? IF NOT THAN WHO? GIVE ME A SIGN, WHO?" Then I turned my head and saw Sherly (didn't even see her on the train before that!)

First I was shocked. Then I laughed out loud in my head. Well played, troll god. Haha. And its strange, because this is one of the rare moments when I didn't over-analyze. God has a sense of humour after all, well he did give us one :x. And then I just thought, why do you worry so much? Even the lord is trolling me. So that's when I think I finally stopped thinking about her. I guess, let's just wait. Be yourself.

Be myself! I'm not alone anymore. Don't compare! Just do!
Do you really care how many friends you have? Galatians 6:20 'Remember the Poor' :)



Wednesday, 6 July 2011





That's what I wanted to say mostly. Heh. Shit lar. Constantly pumping myself up, then disappointing myself on so many levels again, Naruto really is great person. Then again, having inba nine-tails chakra helps.

To see yourself fail and others succeeding instead, is harsh. Yet, I must press on! No, not going to be the loser that gives up, come on! HUSAIN MODE!!! Samuel Beckett quote activate!

'Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.'

Also, from the leadership talk today! (with the saddest of cynicism I see the crowd contenting to ignore it completely)

'One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.'

I have to go sleep :/ catching up.


Sorry, hopefully have time for more photos!

Tuesday, 5 July 2011


When you open yourself up, you open yourself to both the good and the bad. Its a signal I favour sending to get others to the same.

So when the imminent threat of awkward silence reared its ugly head, I instinctively leapt into the abyss of gossip and lo and behold what else can I find in the 'superficial' section of my cranial archives? Nothing but myself.

Prevent self from become Benedict Woo Kah Leong: Mission failed.

Amazing how you can just spill all your secrets in a day and then realize it only after the thought of: "OH MY SHIT WTF HAVE I DONE?"...

And now I feel the pangs of it. The relentless revelation. I feel empty, like I've just threw up a whole lot of my food for thought. I feel, absolutely nothing, and each day I grow closer to the fact that this is nothing more than a crush. Maybe even an insecurity, an obsession of finding out if I'm even good for anyone.

Hah, I just remembered that my Photog seniors found my blog before... don't think they read anymore.

So in a string of conversations I have managed to spill the beans to about 10 people. My gosh. Can't beat Ben's record but it begs me to reconsider my social mania recently.

I mean really, if she means that much, it doesn't seem right. Perhaps I envision myself to be one of those crazy, socially-inept Sheldon Cooper types who just states it as it is, brutally frank, and dealing with the consequences.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. So what if she knows? If she likes me back, we'll talk it over. If she doesn't, it's going to hurt but maybe for a while only. I don't think anyone breaks friendships like that after all. I'll say it too, if I wanted to, and I think the consequences are minor, I'd say it to her face. You think wimps and nerds don't have balls?


What is this poppy jazz? Brilliance.

Monday, 4 July 2011


Of Energy and Apathy; Love and Disdain; Callous and Meticulous; Ignorance and Volunteerism; Joyful and Moody; Confused and Purposeful; Conformist and Uniqueness. Blessed are the lively and wonderful spirit of youth! May the Young and the Young at Heart carry the flames of Singapore ahead!

Sunday, 3 July 2011


Kwang Ik said being yourself is overrated.

I agree that it is overrated, though maybe I still think its important.

So why have I become a social monster? Why do I desperately need to text when I'm lonely and at home? Why do I feel like every moment is a wasted second of socializing and networking? WHY DO I KEEP THINKING OF HER?

So I adapted. Someone has to move to build a bridge, I sacrificed a little of myself to build it with other people, because ultimately everyone I find, is great and are children of god :)

But where do you stop? How can you stop? Once you're in, how do you tell people, "look actually I'm not really like that."? How can you pry away from the addiction of popularity (if you will)?

Logically speaking, if you be yourself and find friends that accept you as a result, indeed, you'll be more happy. But not everyone's personality is ... ya know. And everyone wants friends.

So do you adapt or be yourself? You can't really do both, can you?

She sounds so much like me back then, should I go back? Should I act differently for her? Is it effort or is it insecurity and obsession? Should you wait your whole life for someone, or go out and find the person? Why does one need dating experience if she/he is supposed to act naturally?

Depressing news: My mom says she has many friends who turn out single their whole lives.
More depressing news: My mom probably married my dad cause he bought a nice house.
Conclusion: My family can give no good advice on this.
Suggested course of action: Screw this deep shit and sing!
Also: Know in my heart that God has a plan, so trust him and hence yourself.


True, she is pretty mean actually. Hopeless romantic I am.

Friday, 1 July 2011

One of those days

You know sometimes the text accompanying either the picture or the music at the bottom can be considered 'private facebook' posts.

I could predict it.

It's inevitable after every exam. The quiet of celebration in school. When the exam finishes there will be a whole bunch of people who go out and have fun, deservingly I would say, and another bunch that goes straight home. And then, there's me.

Post(Exam)-Mortem <-- wooo coined a new term.

I knew it as soon as I realized
1. Deborah doesn't take Chinese
2. Joshua will be out having lunch after
3. I don't regularly meet the other Easterners I know/am relatively close to

Hence what I can imagine is Kwang Ik's ride home alone. Listening to music, reflecting a little, wondering what in the world the rest are up to. And then nasty thoughts will come, 'having a life, unlike me'. So my mind, unsatisfied, tends to hang around school with my body. There will always be procrastination on my part to head home. I'll talk to every friend, eat till I'm full, drink till I'm quenched, read Time & Economist. New strategy: Texting. And then I know I have to go home, and it will be sombre.

I will let the sun scatter on my face, I'll let the music pervade in my ears, I'll let the mood wash over me.

Not that I'm sad. No... just. Calm. Maybe a little lonesome. I remember one of the best things I had in VS, was that I'd always find a friend after school, or teacher, even staying in the canteen in itself, was relaxing, was deep.

Maybe I'm being a little melodramatic after visiting someone's tumblr. (hehe). Its just an observation. Plus the exams always come before a holiday, so this post(exam)-mortem will be short.


Sighz. Yi Hui, please don't smile when told to 'act punk'.