Sunday, 27 February 2011

The 80% Unique Playlist

All around me, people discuss artists that I've heard off, but don't listen to. (Sentence structure mistake [SSM] 1) And also all around me I hear squeals of delight that they've found someone else who listens to ACDC, Florence and the Machine, and what not.

(SSM 2) But I think I can confidently say no one in the entire world actually has music like mine on their list.

(SSM 3) Because I respond to different music. I respond to music that takes my imagination places. I respond to music that tugs at my emotions, not just that of happiness inducing pop, but even the most unheard of songs in the universe that is brilliant and emotional and because it is so unheard of, it becomes like a secret place of escapism for me.

(SSM 4) But still... I get a tinge of disappointment that whenever I let others listen to my playlist, or I show them the songs on my playlist, I get this look that says: "Are you sure about this?", and for more hostile or open ones: "This is dam freaking lame.", especially since I show so much enthusiasm about the music.

People tend to like the music I listen to, but not so much as to play them while I walk home or when I'm relaxing. Maybe there's this cultural barrier that game music is just meant for games, and nothing more. That's pretty sad.

I know that I still have to respect that everyone's different, so I guess others just feel the same way I feel when they go on about Velvet Revolver so enthusiastically. Still, I'm one of a kind, and for that matter, pretty lonely here. I don't think I will ever find someone.

Feeling lonely

I LIKE HIS STYLO SUNGLASSES HAHA. The synth chords of flavor in grey, love them.

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Stupid crushes

You know, in some ways, I'm glad I'm not exactly BF material. Being a wimp and a nerd and all. Haha. Cause I know I'll never have a chance at love.

Attention all RI girls, please get out now cause you're very distracting xD

So despo right? Good thing I've been through something like this before. Heh.

Right now, I get this very very odd feeling that a girl in my class keeps looking over at me. Shit. Stupid brain, so naughty, keep on dreaming la, she's not interested in you.

OK I know its dam retarded, but I constructed a way to stop thinking about crushes. Whenever I suddenly start thinking of a image of anyone, I quickly imagine 'thrashing' the 'jpeg file' into the Mac Book Thrash, even got the funky squashing sound effects LOL. Yeah its so dam lame I kind of stop thinking of her altogether.

Another less healthy way is to give myself a thousand reasons why you shouldn't like her.

Best reason so far? Someone else likes her.

Its super coincidental, but I've found much better suitors for most of my crushes (wow see how despo I am? Got more than one some more), for lack of a better word, than me, so I can stop my wishful thinking completely!

And yet. I know. I know my heart burns and my soul aches in agony when I throw away these feelings.

... Haiz... I wish someone else would tell me I'm worth something. That I mean more to them than a typical jock (who don't exist in RI, they all mug.), or mean more to them than that class clown, that drummer, that head prefect. But I'm not. I'm pretty pathetic come to think of it... dam it. Self-pity again. It sucks.

Anyways, back to crushes.
I absolutely don't believe in love at first sight.
I think that its already basing a lot off appearance. And that doesn't last. Beauty detoriates with age.
So I'm patient. I don't look for someone.

Somehow, if you really are meant to be with someone you know, you just naturally incline towards each other and you feel comfortable with each other, which is somewhat the opposite of awkwardness when you like someone and you feel so shy.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just basing of all those movies where lovers really are just good friends at first, then they start to realize, they think about that person everyday, that sometimes you get envious when that person is with someone else...

What do I know about love? I'm young, I'm foolish. So my principle? Don't pursue. Just concentrate on being friends and studying. If there was even something to begin with, it will happen some day.

Problem? What if someone gets to that special someone first. Ouch, I can't help but feel heavy of the thought. This world. Is just too bloody complex to make the right decisions. So just try.

That's what you get when you let your heart win...

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Caught by surprise

Actually, something earlier happened, and yeah I feel like I've got to post it.

A very friendly and pretty (ARGH CLICHES) girl asked me if I liked her in front of another classmate. Please don't ask me such things because you'll just confuse me haha... because honestly you've ran through my mind many times before but I told myself I can't risk friendship. 

Seriously, that's the most open question I've heard. And dang it I couldn't conceal the fact that some part of me does like you very much!!! I wonder if she noticed I hesitated to answer and became nervous hehe. If she did, I hope she talks to me in private next time haha...

She caught me by surprise! And right in front of someone else! How could I say yes? I've only just met you you know... I actually wanted to be honest, but I'm shy and already have to deal with so much rejection lately. 

OK. Crush over. Serious.

String of defeats, stronger than ever


Time for me to put all those inspirational quotes I've learnt to good use, on myself!

Phails so far:
Choir audition 1
Choir audition 2
Getting sick (haha yes I count it as immune system phail.)
IHC Humanities quiz
Numerous other small failures, especially fitness!

But I won't ever stop fighting!
For the friends who believe in me!
For my schools, Ngee Ann, Victoria and Raffles!
For my country!! SINGAPORE <---- super ownage island.

But yeah, I feel a bit insecure now too, choir really was a blow. BUT LIFE GOES ON.


Awesome guitar, unique sound, retro video, what's not to like?!

Sunday, 20 February 2011


Haiyo, so difficult to comment on VS or RJC nowadays.

The problem is not that they are exclusive, hell no! The problem is that people tend to think that one has to 'pledge allegiance' to one of them only as if they are warring or something.


And yet, I get this feeling that if I say that out loud, I'll get murdered by both schools or something. I know a lot of people don't think there's a problem, but people oft comment with more spirit towards VS than other schools. And to me, its unfair to the 'other schools'.

I don't think its true that VS will definitely have more spirit forever. Because already when we went back and initiated a VS Boleh, the juniors didn't respond at all!

I've repeated it a thousand times before, school spirit comes from the collective passion of the cohort, the heart and soul of every pupil, not the school and its history, though they play a part.

And there you have it, I'm acknowledging something I'm not too sure I like about VS. This cult feeling. That if I say I like Raffle's too much, I'll come off as betraying VS. They are different for heaven's sake!
And looking at Jia Lok, Joshua, whomever, posting their statuses until so hiong... How do you think Rafflesians will react? That you treat their school as second to VS? THEY ARE BOTH FIRST RATE OK?

Dang it people! Can't you see sticking so much to something in your past can hinder your progress? I'm not saying you should forsake VS, NEVER will I do that! I'm saying, at least try your best to start having some new Rafblood in your body.


VS unite we show our might!
Show them how Victorians fight!
Have ourselves a lot of fun!
Show them how we're number one!

We're for, we're for VS
We're for, we're for VS

We fight in the sun we fight in the rain!
We fight to give our school a name!
Walk from the game with pride and fame!
We feel no fear we feel no pain!

We're for, we're for VS
We're for, we're for VS

Hey guys move it on, VS going to take you on!
We will do our best to strive for our success!
Move it! VS! Solid! YEAH!

1 Clap, 2 Clap, 11 Clap, VS!

We've got the Rafblood flowing from our head to our feet!
And the Promethean flame's burning can you feel the heat?
We're watching your every move with eagle eyes!
And gryphon strength will lead us on to touch the skies!

Cause we got PRIDE, Yeah!
Cause we got PASSION, Yeah!
Cause we got SOUL, Yeah!
Cause we got SPEED, Yeah!

Pride, Passion, Soul and Speed!

Saturday, 19 February 2011




COUNCIL EMAIL DIDN'T GET THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW I SEND TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Haha. Didn't really realize it before, but I feel much more natural in VS, hur hur.

But then again, I don't feel all that bad in Raffles, really, great school. Just that they don't appreciate being hiong and spirit as much, hopefully the council will though! =D And it seems that perhaps because of Ziyad they even know VS people really have a fiery spirit, despite our small population there!

You know, in a way, this is one example of how you won't be betraying VS if you don't go to VJC. Because wherever you go, you bring the VS passion with you, after all, "Others came before and went and carried to the world, Victoria's fame and our intent to keep her flag unfurled!"

Inevitably we will have to graduate from VS, but no matter what, we'll always be Victorians, what matters is how much you will give back in the future and the pride you can give to the school through future successes.

In fact, from what I've gathered from Victorians in VJC (OK sounds redundant), "By all means, go to VJC, unless you're from VS" WOW. I didn't know they felt so strongly against VJC. Apparently if you go to VJC, you expect a VS-ish kind of spirit there too, but its totally off and totally different. Rifdi even said they don't even teach Nil Sine Labore! And of course we have certain high-ranking staff members whom I quote, "Other people can see the Victorian spirit, but we have it." ?!*@&!&$^! The hell??? Yeah OK I think you know who I'm talking about.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

Pride, Passion, Soul and Speed


Wednesday, 16 February 2011


Yes. I failed getting into choir.

No. I'm not OK.

Maybe. I will be someday.

Correct. The post is on facebook.

Wrong. I'm not going to give up.

Life goes on. Always has.

The winding gray

Monday, 14 February 2011


Feel so much like singing this song.

I'm just going to talk about yesterday till today, like an update.

Yesterday I was a bit on the sleepless side.
You can see why by my last post. Its quite rare I double post unless I really feel emotional about something.

Argh I'm so selfish. I keep going on about my problems when there are so many others who have it worse.

But its not so much about Amirul. I don't know, I guess I'm feeling a bit on the lonely side right now. I've never turned to my parents for help really. Always have been on my own... Very solo kind of guy. And then I went on talking about how its OK to be alone. It is, but everyone needs friends. We're all social creatures.

After Amirul did something like a confession... (which I read, and don't really think it is, its just like a thank you note mixed a bit with some shy feelings of affection. Yet everyone thinks its a mushy gushy confession for Valentine's day and that Amy and the Girl are going to be a couple from now on. I'm actually kind of confused which is which.) It kind of made me think a lot about certain people in my OG *Ahem*, and sometimes even straying outside my OG. Wow. But I mulled over it till late in the night and...

"Don't pursue anyone, unless you're really willing to risk the friendship you share already." is what I got.  I guess a lot came about from my history which most of you regular readers now know.

We're young and clueless right now, I'll live with it. What do I know about true love? And who has the time? Whatever man. I'll just search for someone to talk to every now and then. Doesn't help that whom I usually turn to for their maturity and understanding don't read my blog anymore. But its OK. Because there's always Brenda, seriously didn't know she reads my blog so much haha...

So now you know the 'context' of my status on facebook. There's always so many levels you can study from a source like what History and Social Studies tell you, its a very powerful skill you learn.

I just hope that, my friends refrain from being as rash as me. I urge you all to think it through before you go through with something, especially if you're going by emotions.


I just want to be good friends. Maybe one day in the future we'll be together, but not now.


Omg. Choir auditions... I screwed up like hell... omg if I don't get in....

I just talked to the choir on Saturday about discipline passion and stuff, especially to the sec ones... How can they trust me if I can't even get into Raffles Chorale... shit shit shit...

A picture you might see at a modern cafe nowadays

Sunday, 13 February 2011


Amirul just posted something akin to a confession of a crush online and receives so much support.

So sad right? When I confessed it was just awkward, some more later get suaned for it, well i guess Amirul has the right reasons for liking the girl not me.

Jealousy? A bit. I mean, who wouldn't be? No one told me I had a lot of guts you know? Sometimes, I don't know if its better people knew your past or not.


In secondary 2 my senior told me I was a five later word after choir practice one day. I said "Enthu?" He replied "Extra." and he and a group of friends laughed heartily at me.

Does he know how painful it felt then? I remember actually crying silently after that with no one around...

How it feels now even? To be called extra.

Why, why in the world should I be someone I'm not? Why the fuck can't I be a good, enthusiastic student?

Dang, I'm using a lot of vulgarities, should stop.

You know how this world works. The good students or so called 'goody-two-shoes' and made fun off, because apparently they boot licked their way into teacher's favouritism.

Any actual hard work they put in is of course, ignored, because the 'actual' intention is to get into the teacher's good books, since of course, to us students, we're too young to you know, care about our future. And obviously, you can't be a good student and still have fun, that's just not logical.

=_= sigh. The media says it all. Shows like '5th grade recess' and other mostly American shows where the academically inclined students are usually nerds with lots of pimples, wear thick glasses, are arrogant and uncool.

Thought I could, in a way escape it by going to a better JC, but I'm still feeling it wherever I go. That apathy in students because of this cultural stereotype. Only when the teacher offers, say, a free lunch, to whoever does the best for a test for example, do the students start showing their true potential, because it would seem to others as they're just in it for the free lunch, when I think, deep down inside, they really want to work hard themselves.

Yeah, I feel its a bit of a hindrance, because now I care a lot about whether I'm being too extra or not. And I still feel a bit on the DAOed side of my OG mates, mostly from a clique of Christians. Yeah, I'm kind of a free thinker, or agnostic, or atheist, whatever you want to call it. So suddenly, I feel a cold stare from them. Like there's something wrong with me for believing what I believe. It really sucks. I don't know if its true or not, I just feel something's wrong.

Of course, my OG is still fun and awesome, just that sometimes, I feel they are a bit colder towards me than to say, a fellow JAE student who happens to be Catholic.

Really miss 4D that way, the fact that we're so multi-racial and multi-religious, even multi-cultural. Its what I love about Singapore.

But back to being too extra... you know, I don't know if its real or not, but I really feel like I'm getting a little DAOed. Do they really think I'm extra? I'm just trying to integrate into RI faster people =) So please don't ignore me, it kind of hurts.


Somehow, the Helix was when my bridge photography or photoshopping, if you will, kind of peaked? Wow my consistency sucks. Or is it just that the Double Helix Bridge and its setting is just awesome? This one's a bit slanted I know.

Azure, Magenta & Steel

Friday, 11 February 2011

Living life to the fullest

Jia Lok talked to me on the train yesterday and unlocked my final insecurity in a way.

He talked about how Palm was inspired by himself, and how he himself haven't been living up to that motto, 'living life to the fullest'.

So no more. Yes I'm a wimp! But it doesn't mean I can't have fun! So now I have an extremely painful finger, bruised thighs, fond and fun memories, an aggravating flu, salty hair, and closer OG mates =)

Now for this irritating flu to go away. I mean, everyday it stays the same, I really don't know how to recover without anti-biotic. When it does, I can start my new life of constant exercise around my new condo! (Actually 25 year old condo but who's counting?)

But Anti-Biotic makes you weaker, which I hate... so how? Don't know. Sleep and eat and see what happens I guess.

Haiya sigh... wish I could spend more time with awesome OG.

Time to go all out and gain back that Beginner's Mind, try new things when the opportunity comes, and living life to the fullest!

Wish RJC more enthu about cheering like VS. But I guess there's still a lot of people who are not really in yet, so I will wait =)

Vibrant Koi

Thursday, 10 February 2011


A lot of praise can go to your head.

But sometimes, when your spirits are really low... You just need someone to tell you you're OK.

That its OK to be you.

That you mean something to this world.

That your different; your special.

That you've put in effort, and they see it.

That you matter.

... Thanks Dorcas, what a great OGL, wouldn't have asked for anyone else...

I will give my all running for council. If I enter, I will pour my heart into Raffles. I will make the 31st council the greatest. I just... I just hope, pray, that they can see my passion. My guts. I'm really in to this right now. I want to contribute. I want to give back to the school that gave me a chance which I thought I lost. I want to show them I mean something. That they didn't choose wrong. I want to tell my Juniors how great this school is. And if I don't get in... well, we'll see.

I'm obliged to say too. I love Victoria School. You can't change that. That school changed me. The school that watched me grow, that is something more. So I'll carry on her burning passion to excel and to keep her flag unfurled in Raffles. And I'll be a Victorian and a Rafflesian, council or not.

No matter what school you go to, the spirit will be strong, because the school spirit is formed by each and every student's heart and soul meshed together in unity and pride.

Tinted Flyer

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

A blog is what it is!

Hey people.

Lately there's been a few posts with a lot of angst. But that's just it. Its a blog I guess. And its where you pour your feelings into.

Like my favourite song's lyrics go: "Just freak out let it go."

So yeah, just freaking out and letting all the emotions go here. Everyone experiences emotions. I'm just making sure I don't offend others by dumping all the negative ones here you know?

So don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Because I have this blog. An online diary if you will.


Wooo 'O' level over so can post these pics! Err right? I'll start with one to make sure. Marcus confirm with me please lol.

Metallic Waterfront

Tuesday, 8 February 2011


Being sick and missing it all.

In secondary 1 I was sick during camp and couldn't do shit. All curled up and stupid in the bunker. Clueless, left out. It was pathetic. No one talked to me, and everybody had good laughs together and a good time. To some extent, it kept me away from them and helped me concentrate in class perhaps. But it was terribly lonely and utmost forlorn.

Now I missed the second day of school which was probably the first time my class properly bonded... Haiz. Don't tell me I'm going to be that left out guy again... I hate this. Why? Why do I always get sick at this sort of crucial period? I guess I have to count myself lucky now that there's 4 VS guys in my class.

Lucky she isn't in the same class.




EVERY FUCKING DAY. I get some hope I'll recover. Then the fucking next morning I have to spend close to an hour churning out all my fucking infected phlegm which is fucking hardcore green. And the fucking problem is that I don't stay fucking 5 mins from school anymore.

Just the previous day the DM was talking about being late and WHAT THE FUCK I was going to being fucking late the next day. SO FUCK LA I'M NOT GOING SCHOOL.


Don't fucking tell me everyone has it the same. I'm fucking weak and no strength one don't you know? When I get sick I fucking fall to pieces. Had to take so much anti-biotic it could kill an old lady. And does everyone fucking fall sick just before school starts ALL THE FUCKING TIME? FUCK FUCK FUCK.


Why didn't I get sick during the holidays? Maybe it really is the sudden stress.

OK sorry... I'm just fucking confused right now. I have no idea what I'm going to do to get over this.

I just hate it when I lag. When I know other people are ahead. It just kills me. Because then its an unfair playing field. And in RI... But I know my OGLs sacrificed a ton of lectures for us also... so I can't be like this.

But yet I shouldn't be lagging. I guess its my fault for getting sick, but why? I didn't do anything that got me sick. It just fucking happened. I fucking hate idling. But I have no notes (were suppose get them today), no experience in JC syllabus, nothing.

And my parents... now I know how it feels to have parents who really are just busy all the time. My fathers overseas and my mum is always busy. I'm left on my own. Probably why I have a blog. But I don't think anyone has a clue what to do except tell me to rest and recover. Since I know no one who experiences this.

And fuck this but my brain is constantly wishing 'someone' is more concerned for me then others. But I know she isn't. Yesterday she just DAOed my limbs off, and the problem with that is I don't know if it was an accident or on purpose. OK maybe it wasn't on purpose but whatever I can't be doing this all the time. So to hell with it.

I don't think I can fucking play touch rugby on friday liao...

There are so many fucking vulgarities in this post I may have missed censoring some. Dam it, if the school found my blog I definitely will lose a lot of chances in council, etc.

I have zero motivation. I have zero solutions. And I've lost so much hope in doctors who give medicine that somehow don't work as fast anymore. I know its because I'm older. Don't have to tell me twice. I know all of it. But I still can't handle it.

Its time like this people turn to prayer. But I can't. I don't believe and I don't want to give myself false hope. If it doesn't work, it'll make it worse. If it does, I won't be grateful enough to my doctor.

I just need someone to tell me what to do. Give me some advice. But who?? Darn it. Need me father. Asking my mother always makes me feel worse. Asking my dad makes things clearer.

Sunday, 6 February 2011


When you're sick all the time, you can't get on with life...

... I am incredibly weary right now. Wanted to jog/swim and pump today. Wanted to play Rock Band today, wanted to drink some coffee today. Can't do anything but read, which I am extremely glad for since I just got MM Lee's new book.

During the four months was the worse. Everyday I lay in bed, thinking if tomorrow I'll get better. Missing 16 weeks of playing badminton and other sports just stoning. Do you know how sad I felt? I am not one to hate sports just cause I really suck at it. No, PE is the perfect time to play without judgement anyway.

Can't eat my favourite food and beverages. Can't concentrate during tests. Can't exert yourself. Have to keep sleeping. Have to keep blowing my brains nose out. Drinking water also painful.

And you don't know how long more you have to persevere. Some days it gets better, some days worse, setting you back to square one. Taking anti-biotic for so long, making you even weaker.

All this, knowing that all your other classmates are having fun, getting smarter, getting fitter, while you just lay in bed, getting weaker, getting dumber, sulking and reflecting. Sometimes the jealousy is the most painful.

And now RI may just look at me and say I was that sickly guy...


I hope the RI teachers are as forgiving and kind as VS teachers... Missing VS like hell that way.

Pardon this mediocre and awfully overused scene, I'm sick OK?! The basics are there at least. Rule of Thirds, Contrast, Harmony, Balance, Rhythm, Depth, you get the point.

Saturday, 5 February 2011

Frail and Insecure

Darn genes make me so sickly!


I'm so weak I actually have a label on this blog called 'sick'.

This year, I got the same bloody sickness again, the flu/tonsilitis bug...

How is it possible that in secondary 1 I got it before I went for Sec one Orientation camp, than in sec 2 again late year? THEN again during one of the choir camps? Then again! At the start of secondary four, for four whole freaking months!!!!


Can't blame genes though, I could have eaten more once I knew I was one of those really skinny types. Then all the exercise wouldn't be wasted.


I guess its time to start now.

Its so weird right? That in a boy's school looks and muscle doesn't matter as much as in a co-ed environment, somehow you just feel more paiseh.

Haiz. And I know deep inside all this is just to please somebody... screwed up head of mine.


Random: I think the Canto version of Gong Xi Fa Cai, which is Gong Hei Fa'at Choy is much cooler to speak out.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Robert Frost & Tumblr/facebook post/status-like omnibus

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

In secondary two I did this poem for Literature.

I didn't mention it in a previous post concerning 'Who moved my cheese?' and Ratatouille, but this is another piece of greatness that influenced me.

I like taking the road less travelled, because maybe its attention seeking, but I don't like to stand with the crowd and conform. I prefer to choose my own way, and usually I try the path less taken. The popular interpretation of this poem is what I mean. A poem dedicated to the courage of non-conformism. Haha I just realized the irony that the 'popular' interpretation is 'non-conformism' which is pretty much the opposite.

Try the new experience because you never know. And the different stories you can tell your friends because you chose differently. Never regretting, because you know you've tried and know how it feels now.


The steamboat last night gave me a mild fever. Damn it!! I cannot be sick on the first day of school!


Reading MM Lee's new book right now. Started from the part about his private life cause I thought it would be less interesting but I found it to still be a decent read. Moving on to the political part soon, which should definitely be juicier.


I am starting to get really anxious about school.  I know the pressure is on me to perform being in RI, and I've always told everyone you can power through just as long as you 持之以恒。可是,我知道我的华语还是很差。。。我也知道,如果华语成绩不好,我可能不可以去外国留学。


I just got Beatles: Rock Band as a present for my entry into Raffles! And I know it can only be as fun playing with others, so come on over please!

Hold me! *Clap Clap* Love me! *Clap Clap*!

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Broken heart

This post is very very very emo and really really really private. It took some courage and maturity to write it, so please don't suan me nor spread it.

In Primary 6 I had a crush.

Despite futile attempts to brush it off, I got distracted in class and it was ever more difficult to be around her.

Maybe I was tired, maybe I was drunk with infatuation, whatever it was, I did a very silly thing of revealing it on MSN and challenging other guys to do the same.

It could be why I don't regularly go to MSN now.

After word got out, it wasn't long before she asked a friend of mine to tell me to take it down. She didn't even talk to me on MSN herself.

Despite going on confessing to others who asked me after that, she started to DAO me and all that, even into secondary 2, but we grew up and got over it. I was obviously very extra and stupid.

Fucking fucking fucking stupid. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Naivety lost my courage for me, and a lot of other things.

Just cause you like someone doesn't mean he/she will like you back.

Even while I'm typing this, I truthfully feel very very weak hearted.

After that incident, I became very depressed and full of angst. Only when I look back now do I realize it was because of that and not because of puberty. Somehow it triggered me to become dark and pessimistic. If you knew me in early secondary 1, you would have known how emotional I was.

For better or worse, I ended up in a boy's school. I guess it helped my education a lot, because I wasn't distracted anymore. Maybe my brain was trying to tell me 'never again'. It didn't help that I met people like Benedict though.

I've changed a lot since then, and I really think it was because of then. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I realized how powerful infatuation can be. I detest superficial love.

Which is why I have a bit of a problem now.

I'm back to a co-ed environment. And I don't say it out loud obviously, but a girl in my OG is really pretty... and it fucking takes so much effort to stop thinking about her just like in Primary 6.

I'm silently scared and intimidated inside. Not so much anymore, but I'm afraid it might affect me again.

Oh gosh what the fuck is wrong with me seriously. I'm so fucking desperate and can't control myself.

I know I made the girl in Primary 6 really confused and hurt, I hope she forgets it entirely. But why can't I fucking forget? I was so fucking broken hearted...

I hate superficial yet I am. And unfortunately, everyone else is kind of in a way. I'm sure everyone tries not to, but people look for cool, popular, buff/pretty guys/girls, none of them me. Or am I mistaken?

I NEED A FUCKING COUNSELOR. Marcus, Jaren, whoever reads my blog, can you please take psychology lessons and talk to me = =. Or at least give me a fucking wake-up-slap every time I do something like space out, shudder or rotate/shake my head because that usually happens when I'm thinking of her.

I seriously just want to be friends with everyone, nothing more. No relationships, nothing. Please.

Education is way way way more important than stupid crushes. GOT TO CONCENTRATE, I KNOW I CAN DO IT.