It's a twitch emoji.
I just came out of a few weeks of working late and some weekend time taken away. It was not fun. Now I feel drained and dissatisfied in my leisure time, though part of it I think is the unreliability of being able to play with people I know and like. I stream-of-conscious-ed into writing a byline like at the end of an email, perhaps a sign of how much I got used to work. I recognize that at the moment, I am feeling lonesome, but also "inefficient" with my leisure, but that's coming from I think getting "used to" having very little of it over the past few days + Friday + no coffee tomorrow + looming long flight + missing watching Beef with Chris because she went out + not really knowing when she's coming back - kind of scary sometimes not living in Singapore, I kind of fear for her safety coming back late. I'm fearful too of the future, if we have to be here.
I wonder why I fear long flights, or dread them. Instead of being excited to go back. I suppose part of it is just the jet lag - I don't like how much time just flows through in a fugue, jet lagged state. And this 1 week stint is odd for sure, as soon as I get over the jet lag, I'm probably going to come back and get another round of jet lag.
I know I fear for her safety, because I'm relieved when she comes back. But that fear comes from imaginary scenarios in my head.
I think I'm getting kind of tired of games when there's no new patch. I should be getting back on my longer-term goals, or just continue the optimizing and settling down of my life in SF, but I always feel like they need to happen during the day, and I'm tired by the end of it. Maybe it's the lack of reward at the end of doing those things.
I think lately I've been "waiting" for energy to come, and somehow have lost the initiative. I get productive days and not productive days, and longer and shorter breaks, and yet mostly I do the same thing, with some increase in pay. I suppose that's kind of too min-max a way of thinking - I'm also building slowly my relationship with Chris, findings new friends in SF, and it's not yet a year (though almost). I feel for some of the folks Dr. K talked to, and can relate to some of their struggles. I like that there is a constant reminder that knowing information is different from understanding something, in your brain, and psyche.
I think I am getting better at being at peace letting go of the time we had a fight of sorts in Florida. Now I guess I have to deal with feeling guilty at times for not spending time with her, however unfortunate the timing. I'm getting way tired now, and going to bed. I hope all is well, that is after all all we can do.
I haven't had time to/inspiration to blog in a while, but I feel a strong feeling for it in specific settings, like late at night, after being alone for a bit, maybe after doing a lot of work. Maybe I feel like "nobody understands", or a kind of weird meta-awareness of myself whenever it's one of those times. I feel like I need to go to sleep, as a distraction, but also feel a weird sunk cost fallacy of wanting to stay up now to see Chris get home. Idk maybe her phone died, which seems to happen often.
