Where content ends

She finally replied, essentially asking for space. I guess at least I'm not tone deaf to the point that I can't tell. It really reminds me of the time I upset my sister in law. I'm at a loss... I've been known to be callous, and always I've scaled back, but not in a very refined way. This one hurts so much because I know it's my fault, just like all the other times I've hurt other people... And all those other times I took responsibility too, and I really did try to change, but it still eludes me, I go back like a drunk to the bottle. I don't understand people, or I'm narcissistic. I envy other people to which it comes easily, but I'm wondering if it was a trade off somewhere. Maybe they experienced some pain in the same way. I read a reddit post saying people who think they're sociopaths because they lack empathy are actually attention seeking losers, literally after this morning when I posted my thoughts on it. I hope she gives me another chance, but even when she does, I wouldn't know what to do. I'll have to ask and hope she doesn't give me the cold shoulder. I don't know who else to ask, if I'm completely honest. I don't have a close confidant that could help me in this regard, especially. I don't know how to be gentle, or worse, I don't understand why I need to be, naturally. I'm wondering how all the callous comedians get by, or are those simply acts.

I'm wondering too, the irony that sticking to this pseudo-Buddhist mentality has actually done the opposite for me, in that I've lost the ability to introspect because I'm so blissful in the moment at times. Or is it age, that I've gone through the phase of. I really don't know.

Who are my confidants and good friends? I would surely point to my Singaporean friends. Maybe I should talk to them. I'm feeling sick and out of it. I know I love her because it hurts.

Thinking about thinking

I woke up today thinking. It's been a long while, I think. I thought about how I've been being lately, toward Chris especially. I'm not a very empathetic person, and even till now I don't quite get the fine line between platitude and genuineness. Since I was 9 I've asked myself the question in some form or another of whether I'm a literal sociopath. That day, I was watching the news about the Iraq War, and I felt very little about it. I wondered if I was supposed to feel sad or bad about war so far away, truly. And I wondered if people generally feel that way too. Since then I've felt "compelled" by duty and morals to do "good", but often I'm not sure if that's just a pride-based substitute for real emotions. Maybe this is why Amos is such a compelling character to me. I'm scared.

But mostly I woke up thinking because Chris has not replied to a long set of messages yesterday from me that ended in an apology for an issue I was not sure she actually cares about. This has happened several times now and it always makes me anxious. Sometimes she keeps her feelings and thoughts to herself and this scares me. Is it none of my business when it involves me? Is this the age old stereotype that boys are clueless and are simply dumbstruck when things come to fore? Or is it actually in my head blowing things out of proportion? Or even more ironic, is it that acknowledgement of the situation brings about the situation (i.e. drama creates itself)? It goes back to something much fundamental for me. I consider myself very direct and still prefer, very very much, that people be direct. It makes things simple for people like me who have difficulty understanding subtleties and emotions, which apparently loads of people "just get". I've thought rationally about it (maybe my original sin when responding to issues), and in the grand scheme of things we'll work it out and carry on. Though I can't shake the paranoia that it blows up into something terrible...

Maybe I'll continue this later, but I actually need to work... Mid-season final thoughts before I forget. I've grown more  now and I know you can't expect people to be direct if you yourself are selfish and lazy and not do your best to create the conditions that make people feel comfortable being direct. But I've now known a good solution till this day of how to go about doing that. I'm on the verge of tears and maybe I should ask.