An afternoon in the rain

An afternoon in the rain

An afternoon in the rain

Sip your coffee

Hunch into your chair

Feel the heavy air

A breeze washes over

And twinkling in outside puddles

Soak in the view

Everything in grey hue

Let em swing

this summer's day away,

Let the rain narrow our vision

to shadows beyond the mist

Hey erm

Hey erm

Would you care to

I mean

Would you like to

its a bit short notice but

can i find out

may i ask if

if its not weird

I've got this question

Are you free this

I've been meaning to ask

Hope it isnt a bad time but

Is it ok if

Are you ok with

Hey erm

maybe you could

just tell

how you

really

feel?

Extracting the abstract

Visions so grand that you can't explain.
What do people think about when they have nothing to think about?
Games, TV and sex. No better than the people I judge. It is a way to vent my frustration with myself.

You'll be in debt to that someone.
Are you afraid you're unworthy?
If you have a choice why choose wrong?
Instead taking your time till you're alone in the end.

Rock
Shook my head out
Took the drama out
Set me to the chaos frequency
That rocks the world

Escape or re-entrance
Sure it's the latter
Prefers the latter
Getting angry to get sane

Don't let the troubles tremor
Nothing's gonna stop your rumble
But when the music plays out
Will it last if you've got no devices?

Windy

The MO really went all out into getting me cured... on anti-bios now. But he can't cure everything.
Just read this article in TIME about the emotional vulnerability of... boys, because as compared to girls, they don't express their feelings easily. In fact, 81% of suicide cases between 10-24 are guys.

Sat at home finishing the game Flower.

Windy
Windy landscapes
Breezing through fields of violets and blues
Starry night skies
Above this meadow of so many hues

Hearing nothing
But that soft piano tune
Seeing it all below you
In the sky in a lone hot air balloon

Far away from the cities
Stepping out into the light of the moon,
I never want to leave...
Not now, not so soon.

Notes on notes

Somehow can't edit properly the text on the previous post (notes) nor this one (using HTML instead). There are 3 poems meant to be separate. Follow, Under the Oak and Feelings and Thoughts... Lately I've found a need to write, post and blog again proper. I realized I always wrote on a few topics... of travels in a dreamy place, a crush or just stuff like this, a little tailored like Yams'. Wish I had more experience and more time. Am already writing this using valuable time. The title 'notes' is a ref to the medium I write on nowadays, on my phone rather than a notebook that I used to write on.

Notes

Follow

Losing steam, while i was ahead

Which track was i meant for?

Someone gave me a map

But i had no compass

Veered left and veered right,

Followed the winds then dug my own tunnels. 

I want to be like him, and him and him.

No, be yourself they told me.

Tell that to a crook, a villain

Is wrong inherent? Or wait like wine, sweeter with age?

Under the oak

I sat and pondered

Silent i soaked

time i squandered

Under the ash 

I dreamed and wondered

Thought i was rash

Really a coward

Was afraid of choosing and losing

Was afraid of commitment to something i couldnt see the end to

Nagging in my head

Procrastinate and hate

Lying on my bed 

The cold bites again

And again and again

Left it to my will

Like a child succumbed

Realized now, forgetting later

Wrong

Knowing but uncontrolling

Left nothing but distaste

Bitter and lingering

Was it the sickness or the medicine?

Which is better - to live or to enjoy a wasted living

Sought refuge in crevices

Fooled only myself

Shadows don't disappear in the dark

They engulf wholly instead

Get out of my head

Never ending feelings against thoughts

the writer, the artist

Unfulfiling.

Every day I live by the superficial things.
The material things.

Wins in dota

Wins in pokemon

Finishing manga

Finishing cartoons

Cups of coffee

Plates of  Bhar Chor Mee

They said it is true joy to live by the simple things such as these.

But is that a delusion?
Is that an excuse for materialism?

Addiction to coffee used to be a joke.
But when my mind becomes so fixated on getting it right before classes, just after lunch, in a rush...

That when I don't get it I sulk and fume, I lose focus for the day.

It's not right is it.

Jia Lok told me frankly how serious it could get.

And I cling on to that dream that nothing anyone says is ever that serious.

Yet everyday I wished my platoon mates were more serious regarding army matters.

Where does the hypocrisy end?

Those solemn moments. Looking out the view just outside my class in camp

Watching the flag lower at sundown...

Blogging...

All the same questions, answered and unanswered again. 

I sought to give Yams a taste of positivity and a strong will, yet it was self-defeating.

Empathy always had it roots in shared mindsets. My off days get worse and drag on.

And it's Sunday again.

I'm a nerd, a loser, an addict.

I stay at home on weekends all day playing the same games with the same people.

Where did everyone go?

I said I hate routine. Is this the effect on my mood now? Why am I scared to exit my comfort zone?
Why do I cling on to the notion that I'm still 'settling into army'.

Where did my courage go?

Where did my camera go?

To the statuses, the people not taking part in activities. Locked in camp.

I wish I had someone.

Or do I really?

Always wanting the benefits but never the baggage.
Laziness and routine.

I wish for so much more. 

There's this manga I'm reading that Yams may like. Yet for all my "honesty" I tell myself it's not right for her, as if I knew best. I care about her, should principle come before that? I know she reads this blog sometimes, so I guess this is the compromise when I hide behind my facade in foolish cowardice.

Poems

Untitled
The truth is in view
The perspective of our world's hue
Our state of mind holds the choice
to what we see as true
our mood dictates
and our emotions inflate
but that's an opinion too,
perhaps we control the way we think
we can choose optimism in a blink
Don't let the blues get you.

Sitting Alone
Sitting alone
in quiet, contemplate
A common sight if only you'd behold,
the behind his shared humanity

For each of us has thought
on a beach on a bench
or just at home.
In a park or on a ledge
All alone.

In it's mysterious power solitude
has ways of letting us know
who we are and how we feel.

What I can't say but have to
Whatever I say
I hide inside
my true intentions
not malice of deceit
just confusion
How do I separate
animal and instinct
from soul and feelings?

A week

So enjoyed this week...

Ending it here.

A old toy from Jia Lok

A more recent toy from Yan Mei

I dislike care bears, just saying. But because it's from her, of course it's an exception. Hm that sign on his belly makes it look like it's from Carl's Jr.
My mother made that little toy house from a set me and my younger brother were meant to play with.
Still love my 50mm.

Wish I finished my tumblr... In the end I didn't make an effort to look for subject matters during exams to take. :/

The 6AM Train

Written a while back

A shooting star at night
Plainly, diligently traveling
Carrying the tired
Waiting in anticipation

Some sit some stand
Most slumber
Or let themselves go
To the sounds of ambiance and stereo

Moments like these
Moments alive
They give me strange comfort
In my existence I recognize theirs

Change

My elder bro's back!

---------------------------

Yams came back the other day and we had outings together for two days ending in a sentimental moment. Wish we could pause. But as the Paramore song goes ~ "It's time to move forward..."
 Going to leave Sierra Wing after 3 months... dam. Don't know where I'm going.
YY was really happy that "I had friends" lol. Shaun pointed out I'm very different in school and in army. Maybe. Or it's just the same and I'm showing more of one side. I just cannot feel free in the army. It's like when I got spectacles haha.

Guess I intended to write this a little earlier. But it's OK.

I love white.

My old friend whom i've known for a while does too... http://keepingcomposure.tumblr.com/
And so does this photographer... http://vincentmunier.com/

Odd hours

Sometimes I can control my sleeping time.

Sometimes I just want to stay up.

And its 1.50am. Not the latest, not early at all.

Detrimental to the body, but what about the soul and mind?

... I have so much work to do. Right before a crazy exercise. I need my rest. I need so much. What about others who need?

Just one more day burnt and its over ain't it. Book outs are too short to grow.

Yong Xin came into my room today to say how soothing my photos are. I know what he means... It's why I put them. It makes me... sober. Maybe a bit melancholic. It reminds me of the places where I feel... I feel.

Times like these. The odd hours.

Tomorrow I will be disciplined.

For Once

For once, some respite.
For once, a little quiet.
For once, a flight.
For once, a people diet.

For once, someone mine.
For once, only mine.
I want to be alone,
if only you could tell me with whom?

Far Far Away

Fantasies and wishes
Of a place high amongst the hills
Down rolling meadows and fields
Filled with grass oaks and mills

I dream always of distants
With seas of clear horizons
Or plains of soft white snow
Willing myself to go wherever the wind blows

To be brought elsewhere
Ill savour any escape
Free me from familiar,
Let me travel far far away.

Miss the times, back in JC

I don't feel connected whatsoever. Nothing special at all
A complete lost of purpose and aesthetic, the top two tiers of Maslow's hierarchy.
I don't feel like reading a book, or playing computer, or pretty much anything.
Today I don't feel like doing anything.
Going through the motions and I need some new music or something to look forward to.

Keep going back to the old times, trying to bring back old things. Listening to old music, old games. Trying to dig up my happiness somewhere behind. Keep drinking coffee. I can't keep at it. Or maybe I can.

Someone needs to be there. Yet I don't give any attention. This blog not having traffic either heh.
I'm a troubled earth. I need something new.

Poetry poetry. Always helps right? Argh why do I feel an ache. Captain Mani just joined platoon one. "I don't like gamers. Such a dull way to spend your youth". It's true. YOLO all the time... What am I really doing? I feel isolated and unable to talk. Perhaps it was because I made someone cry again. Cycles.

I need to rest. Or maybe I need to explore. I need a best friend... What do I need? I need to do something not so solo. Not so comfort zone. OCS? It's not where my true passions lie. Then what? Why can't I work on what I want to do? Photography is such an emo, solo thing. Fuck.

Network Connection Lost

Connection Lost
Did you know I missed you?
If only you could know.
Trapped within this wired age,
To be unplugged my greatest foe.

Just across from the city,
I leave my thoughts in note.
Maybe one day you could hear me,
Some day across this moat.

We all know that frustration - the modem mashing; and telephone thrashing.
That anger that we've lost someone with no way of telling.

Connection lost oh connection lost! 
Network won't you tell her?
Tell her that I miss her.
Just leave behind some trace. I know,
She'll check, just in case.

Autumn Leaves
I came upon a strip of wooden houses,
Their walls grand and in decay.
I saw those autumn leaves just falling,
I watched them swing and sway.

I watched you sitting upon a flight,
Steps leading to one of those houses.
I watched you in your curious place,
Reluctant to enter despite what wander arouses.

And still the day went on and I dared not creep in too,
I was afraid of commitment but worse,
Disappointment and looking like a fool.

I just wished all day you'd catch an autumn leave,
Or invite me in one day.
But instead on and on I swayed...

Don't leave me drifting, 
Don't leave me outside,
Tell me it can be more than just okay.

Without my iphone in camp. I need a 'date' for social night 3 months away. OCS less than perfect but I'll get by. Tired.

Buddy?

Perhaps I can't do this alone.

When I'm tired, when I'm lost. When I wish time would just stay still for a while more, let the calm proceed longer before the storm. Time means more to me now, money less so. Suddenly willing to cab more.

And out of all this I know i truly long for someone. Maybe not a relationship, though undoubtedly it has crossed my mind many times. But at least a buddy whom I know will be with me throughout. No don't even mention my BMT one. Bad start to an OK end. I don't know... I guess sometimes I just felt so alone in BMT. I felt distant from my platoon mates. I remember i went up myself to the 6th floor to clean the platoon 4 bunks without my friends first, only to find out the timing was changed and i was half an hour early. But i tell you at that time i relished that alone time, just wiping away listening to songs.  I don't know why either... Bah. Why can't i bring my iphone to safti :/

Culture Shock

BMT is over.

And all of a sudden, everything was gone.
No more platoon mates, no more ferry, no more 4th coy.

And yet I don't feel anything. All the cliches and all the memories.
Nope.
Nada.
Zero.

It's cold and I'm at a lost how different things are. It would seem I was not that adaptable after all. Or at least, that island was never my element.

I hate to say it. But I hate it. The culture, the people I guess. Not that they are of bad character. No. Just... not compatible. I guess. A culture shock that had a delayed effect. Again.

Or is it just another cycle of emotions? Sounds gay heh.

Somehow the army has made me less patriotic. It has brought to my attention the apathy and scum that live here. I didn't meet a single soul that said "I would defend Singapore if I went to war".

And yet army has made me a little more matured and a little humbler. More sensitive to what I cannot do, how different I am. The contradictions and hypocrisy I've made.

It is sobering to finally understand truths constantly reminded, but constantly refused.

Resigned

A cycle again. I thought perhaps I may uphold a happy spirit for a long time. 

But there will be times of reclination.

No, it is not a defeat of any sort, merely an understanding that it is alright to be different in different circumstance.

I remembered that I didn't like how people acted differently to different people. I was merely a fool for believing you could be sincerely yourself around everyone. Surely it would be more polite to adjust accordingly when necessary, despite holding on to some fundamentals of course.

Stubbornness beckons me back to my cave. I say I'm tired, or am i just childish?
Often I find myself a fool for going back in the first place, and then the other way around.

But in any case, that cycle only seems to happen around certain groups of friends. So it shall be that it may be better I keep my emotions in check; back to basics for this blog.

About friends at 3AM

It's 3AM. And in case you misunderstood the title, I mean talking about friends at 3AM.

Irrelevant until the audience find a connection; an abstract artist at work.

It is undeniable now, that I much prefer my school friends to my platoon mates. What can I say? What should I say? I guess I'm giving up on trying to explain away the frustration and moodiness I have in camp. Why bother I ask myself... They don't seem to bother. Or maybe they can't tell. There's nothing to it but a clash of personalities. Does pride hold me back? Yes, I think I have stooped to aloofness in such a setting. What can I do but self-preservation of my dignity? Such is a capitalist economy of pride - there will be winners and losers. A sign of weakness merely welcomes more flame and beckons further instigation.

Shall I then, just recline as usual? Back off and stay quiet. In truth, it is not my natural and happy state of being. But no, I have lost. So I will retreat. I have lost the war of bastard-ing, the war of telling jokes that are not really funny to me (when repeated so many times) but involves insulting others and is therefore funny. The war of who is the cooler kid, the less child-ish and naive. The age war. No it seems I have been herded like the rest into a segregated system of meritocracy. Not even my inclinations to the other side can permit me to blend in.

Instead I will rest. I am tired of playing the jig-saw piece. I will move back to where I know I'm content but not fulfilled. To where I'm happy but not excited. But it is far better anyway than to excuse yourself from being yourself or to pretend you enjoy the company of people you utterly despise. No matter my humane-ness, if they do not understand it.

:/

How am I feeling?

:/

I'm not sure either.

I'm in a permanent 'blogging mood' but I don't know what to write.

Tired.

The last samurai

I loved that movie.

In camp I'm nicknamed samurai warrior cause of my super serious face when training haha.

My life is full of hypocrisy and contradictions but i brush it off.

Field camp next week :/ FULL BMTC EXPERIENCE.

Sometimes it gets a little lonely without someone else.

Results: GP B, rest A. Most important for MFA got the lowest grade lol. What should I do now? NYU. Have to take SATs again while I'm going senial in camp.

Great seeing Yan Mei again. Short-lived though, like my bookouts lol.

Coming back

A level results.

...

Less friends online now.

Dragon Age is quite boring.
Red dead is ok but on xbox. Much prefer PC.

Quiet and sad on a Sunday morning. But I still have my coffee :D

Early book-in. I guess IDM casuse next week is short... A level results.

Spilled Light

Spilled light from the sun,

it warms from head to soul.

Bled and blessed stars,

their blood precede shadows.

They shine into cathedrals,

beaming with strong grace.

It tells to men of beauty,

spirit and their place.

They enter the cracks of tall canopy

and seep into lowly forests floors.

The rays never discriminate,

they follow nature's lore.

Spilled light from the sun,

they pervade without concern.

It shares plentifully with the destitute,

than those walled up in their mansions.

Zaki trying to make us post again lol.

Book in days make me really sian. Really sentimental. 

I'm starting to retract the no nonsense, no drama attitude towards people.

WHY THIS CNY GOT TO BE SO FUN.

Marcus got DOTA and I got L4D.

And Yan Zhou got everything lol.

My MacBook is dying... my pictures and music...

Day in and day out

In a lull, in a daze. Everyday I stagger on, not in the sense that I'm depressive or in a bad mood all the time, in fact I'm pretty on in camp. No. But the purposeless-ness is killing me. The book outs are all wasted with no sense that I have to apply for university and scholarships.

Feel like writing some poems again...

I miss deep conversations. I don't feel truly deeply connected with anyone in my platoon yet. Not like my school friends.

I re-found my friend's blog. Hoo-rah!

It's late

I should be sleeping I know.
I know.

I may be on about NS but I treasure all the time I have outside camp. The hazy lazy afternoons and the still nights. The coffee. Making me reflective.

Just played a few rounds of Dota 2.
I thoroughly suck at it.

The feeling is different.
The enjoyment is different. Am I even enjoying it?
Different games different pleasures... why do I always long for the lonely single players? Or the small groups? It's like an expression of my ambiversion. (as in ambivert, or both an intro and an extrovert or neither) An escape. A quiet place to think. That's why I just can't let go of all that game music in my playlists. I suspect they'll stay there for a long time.

I constantly wonder if the extroversion is a facade. And yet I only wonder that when I'm feeling introverted. And introversion has a lot to do with overthinking.

What is it then?

I miss the conversations with Gwyneth, those with Yan Mei, those with Clare.
Yeah they're all girls. No shit captain.

I miss the VS bloggers too, but I get to chat with them from time to time.

YZ and Xunny, always enjoy their company.

It's true that with less time, we treasure it more. I'm a hypocrite, a fraud, pretending that I understood everything about life already. Or maybe I do, and that it takes one that hasn't gone through it to understand it from the outside.

I still understand this though. That it's daytime somewhere else. That there's civil war somewhere else. And that the stars above, the night sky, the universe, is just vast but calm.

I should do more poetry.

Service for the country

Haven't posted in a long time (naturally) but I guess I still want the blog to escape a vegetative state and perhaps it's high time I start practicing proper english as well haha. And in just the first sentence I have made an ROS mistake (Run on sentence). Ah well.

My sergeants are relatively nice and I'm not saying that in a disrespectful manner but rather as appreciative of their kindness so far. They've been strict but fair, basically. Hopefully my platoon (and me) are mature enough to toughen up and be disciplined despite.

One annoying thing is the fact that people think I wayang when I say like I'm really enthusiastic for field camp or I want extra training or what. No one for example believes one can honestly be patriotic and not be brainwashed. Thoroughly cynical but understandable. Wasn't much of a problem when I was still in RJ or VS to say that sort of stuff. Different cultures I guess. But you know what I'd totally give my life for Singapore if needed to defend it. Even my commanders don't believe it completely that there are such people.

Really stressed out for US uni and scholarship applications; much more annoying than NS frankly.

Ragnarok

2012 was supposed to be the end after all, so perhaps this is the post-ragnarok, even after the nordic end of the world, the warriors always longed for peace.

I recall I once posted how there was actually no abject meaning to the new year. Winter did not suddenly stop; the earth did not pass some sort of solar systemic "pass go" if you will. But so much meaning is given to it, and it is with this 'cultural' significance that we celebrate. Some things, do not have to based on fundamental logic and science to be worth our time and reflection.

No less, I spent the countdown quite unplanned till a few days ago, at my good friend's house, playing a rather ubiquitous, un-extra-ordinary game of werewolf. Such is the beauty of the mixing of simple and grand events. He could have invited any of us any other day, and we ourselves could have turned up for other things, yet we stood by our ordinary plan to meet on an extra-ordinary last day of 2012. Even if we were not the closest of friends. (But I regard him as such of course)

Glad my helper/housekeeper/maid joined some neighbours for dinner, I think it meant a lot.

In unrelated, less emo news. I have somehow managed to burn most of my allowance. Today was because of a movie, adult fares and HMV Christmas sale.

I love all the quotes in Civ.

Tomorrow shall be my last coffee for a few days.

On FB as well: There was no astronomical or geological signature, no brilliant flash of a solar flare, no alignment of the planets or tectonics, only the symbolism that humanity gives itself. For some it passed in a whimper, as they were driving their train in extended hours, or their cab near countdown parties. For others, it was a short respite in a civil war-torn nation, or a sober realization that a year has passed and their country still faces crisis, be it a fiscal cliff, or corruption and women's rights. But for all, let it be a moment of new found hope for all their challenges. Happy new year everyone :)