A水准华文考试要来了
记得今年我告诉自己华文一定要拿个A。但是，我也当时以为明年可以做H3。
当然现在，及格就多么好了。..
这中年考试，我感到十分失望。考试时只能想女孩，真怪自己在维多利亚没有练习“self-control”。嗨哟。。。SCREW IT LA。
刮风这天我试过握着你手
但遍遍雨渐渐大到我看你不见
还要多久，我才能在你身边？
等到放晴的那天也许我会比较好一点！
^你看，我一想到女孩们，头脑就马上使我唱歌。哇。。。这样的话，我的唱歌才能快速就会比周杰伦还好呀！哈哈。
如果你不知道那是什么歌曲，那是从周杰伦的‘晴天’来的。
我不知道为什么他们全部要用繁体字写歌词。
Thursday 30 June 2011
Wednesday 29 June 2011
Will always remember from AEP - My drawing sucks
GUESS WHAT I WAS DOING THE NIGHT BEFORE MATHS PAPER?
NOT MATHS
EWWW SO CARTOON. Ah heck. New plan: Draw a whole bunch of people and send them as a gift some time :)
NOT MATHS
EWWW SO CARTOON. Ah heck. New plan: Draw a whole bunch of people and send them as a gift some time :)
Quiet faith
Once again it is Kwang Ik.
He resonates with me on this matter in ways I do not understand. Maybe it was the nice Laksa. Maybe it was the nice Yuan Yang. Doesn't matter, he was there to share with me.
I think its time.
Maybe its just a phase, maybe its a small beginning, but this blog started small too. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step (or airplane ticket, whichever you prefer).
But I will begin. A journey of faith.
Today. 29 June. A quiet tap at the door.
I invite him, my lord.
-------------------------------------------------------
He resonates with me on this matter in ways I do not understand. Maybe it was the nice Laksa. Maybe it was the nice Yuan Yang. Doesn't matter, he was there to share with me.
I think its time.
Maybe its just a phase, maybe its a small beginning, but this blog started small too. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step (or airplane ticket, whichever you prefer).
But I will begin. A journey of faith.
Today. 29 June. A quiet tap at the door.
I invite him, my lord.
-------------------------------------------------------
Diluted
Meaning not concentrated.
You know when I wake up each day, I actually DON'T think about exams at all? Which, contrary to what a typical student might think, sucks. Its like I'm not even trying.
I think Ben is lonely. He comes from a school nearly by himself. Granted, he's definitely close to his CCA mates, but its not possible for everyone to repay in kind. I think the trouble with anyone too attached to someone else, is because he has no one else to turn to. Maybe that's why I instinctively tried to reconnect with everyone. But not everyone can repay in kind.
Brenda thinks I've changed a lot. I think so too, after confessing to ZT, its like a whole chunk of my confidence and other attributes were struck away. Some things can do that to a person.
So everyday I wake up now, with more than half my mind thinking about something other than exams. You know what I'm talking about. And the next thought will always be: WTF AM I DOING. But I keep doing it anyway. This is probably the worse one, doesn't seem to pass with time. Sigh... Its like I've forgotten all my aspirations already. I've become so anti-education system.
I'm screwed. Fuck.
------------------------------------------------------------------
At the Metropolitan Museum of Art
The handicapped one in the family. Poor Guy.
University of Pennsylvania
You know when I wake up each day, I actually DON'T think about exams at all? Which, contrary to what a typical student might think, sucks. Its like I'm not even trying.
I think Ben is lonely. He comes from a school nearly by himself. Granted, he's definitely close to his CCA mates, but its not possible for everyone to repay in kind. I think the trouble with anyone too attached to someone else, is because he has no one else to turn to. Maybe that's why I instinctively tried to reconnect with everyone. But not everyone can repay in kind.
Brenda thinks I've changed a lot. I think so too, after confessing to ZT, its like a whole chunk of my confidence and other attributes were struck away. Some things can do that to a person.
So everyday I wake up now, with more than half my mind thinking about something other than exams. You know what I'm talking about. And the next thought will always be: WTF AM I DOING. But I keep doing it anyway. This is probably the worse one, doesn't seem to pass with time. Sigh... Its like I've forgotten all my aspirations already. I've become so anti-education system.
I'm screwed. Fuck.
------------------------------------------------------------------
At the Metropolitan Museum of Art
The handicapped one in the family. Poor Guy.
University of Pennsylvania
Tuesday 28 June 2011
The Private Facebook
Sometimes I momentarily have random kind of 'status' posts in my head that I don't share. So I shall start a new thing on my blog.
"Dreamt of you again."
^ Yes I did actually, though it wasn't as vivid as the last two.
"Dreamt of you again."
^ Yes I did actually, though it wasn't as vivid as the last two.
Monday 27 June 2011
Again
In Primary 6 after the brave but stupid confession online and the subsequent DAOing I had a dream about another girl.
With swift hesitance (oxymoron) I e-mailed the latter apologizing, I wonder if she still remembers. Yeah sounds stupid right? Saying sorry for dreaming.Sounds communist. But at the time, and in fact right now, my brain is wrecked. With guilt yes, but with the subconscious feeling that begging the other party to figure out your feelings is like a subtle open confession, tagged with the slim chance that the other person reciprocates.
So with homage to KI's blog I will write a letter to her, whether I choose to send it or not... meh. Last time the girl said I was over reacting, indeed, I do that often. VERY. Hence I shall overreact on my blog.
Hey D,
What you're bout to read is... a little... awkward.
Erm... My brain is a wreck right now. I don't know if you'd find this sweet or disturbing, but I've dreamt about you for two nights in a row, and maybe three times in total... I don't remember. I don't know why and I don't know what I'm supposed to do... I suppose nothing. Yes let's go with that... I think. I don't know if its supposed to be a big deal or not, but bottom line is that its been messing with my studies... a little... a lot. Just hope we're still cool :) Ok wow that was pretty pathetic. Err nvm I have to go study now.
Confused
Li Keen
--------------------------------------------------------------------
She treats my like a friend, time I do the same.
With swift hesitance (oxymoron) I e-mailed the latter apologizing, I wonder if she still remembers. Yeah sounds stupid right? Saying sorry for dreaming.
So with homage to KI's blog I will write a letter to her, whether I choose to send it or not... meh. Last time the girl said I was over reacting, indeed, I do that often. VERY. Hence I shall overreact on my blog.
Hey D,
What you're bout to read is... a little... awkward.
Erm... My brain is a wreck right now. I don't know if you'd find this sweet or disturbing, but I've dreamt about you for two nights in a row, and maybe three times in total... I don't remember. I don't know why and I don't know what I'm supposed to do... I suppose nothing. Yes let's go with that... I think. I don't know if its supposed to be a big deal or not, but bottom line is that its been messing with my studies... a little... a lot. Just hope we're still cool :) Ok wow that was pretty pathetic. Err nvm I have to go study now.
Confused
Li Keen
--------------------------------------------------------------------
She treats my like a friend, time I do the same.
Sunday 26 June 2011
From all boy's to co-ed
嗨呀。。。这首歌真的很对。我小时候妈妈已经让我听这首歌。
To non-chinese readers:
The girl on the opposite looked over
She looked over, looked over
This performance is really lively
Don't pretend to ignore
The girl on the opposite looked over
She looked over, looked over
Please don't be frightened by my looks
Actually I'm pretty cute :/
A lonely boy's sadness
When expressed, who would understand?
Come on, please give me an inviting look
???
Chorus
I look left, and look right, look up and look down
It seems that every girl isn't that easy
I thought and thought, guessed and guessed,
Girls' hearts and thoughts are really weird
I'll not do the rest, cause its more difficult and I don't have that much time to double post.
To non-chinese readers:
The girl on the opposite looked over
She looked over, looked over
This performance is really lively
Don't pretend to ignore
The girl on the opposite looked over
She looked over, looked over
Please don't be frightened by my looks
Actually I'm pretty cute :/
A lonely boy's sadness
When expressed, who would understand?
Come on, please give me an inviting look
???
Chorus
I look left, and look right, look up and look down
It seems that every girl isn't that easy
I thought and thought, guessed and guessed,
Girls' hearts and thoughts are really weird
I'll not do the rest, cause its more difficult and I don't have that much time to double post.
What am I even doing?
You only share music with your close or trusted friends. And since it means so much to me the other party enjoys it, I do my very best to show my support back subconsciously. I listen to it intently, and try to give a balanced opinion, maybe follow up with listening to it by myself at home again. Learn to love it.
So this happened to be one of her favourites, and incidentally I like Coldplay, and people like Rifdi and my elder brother know this song. And sia la, some partially coincidental lyrics. And yay so many excuses when the most probably reason is the first. Just discovered a whole lot of awesome music Rifdi has but then remembered he doesn't like to share much, don't blame him, I'm terrible at keeping stuff hehe.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
So this happened to be one of her favourites, and incidentally I like Coldplay, and people like Rifdi and my elder brother know this song. And sia la, some partially coincidental lyrics. And yay so many excuses when the most probably reason is the first. Just discovered a whole lot of awesome music Rifdi has but then remembered he doesn't like to share much, don't blame him, I'm terrible at keeping stuff hehe.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Friday 24 June 2011
Just dreaming
Disclaimer: Its just a dream, I will do nothing about it... errr. I think.
You forget dreams in under 10 minutes. Which was why when the dream changed, subconsciously I tried everything in my power to hold on to it...
They always come in 3 versions
1. An allusion to reality (sometimes Deja Vu)
2. Complete (or apparent) randomness (Probably happens all the time but I don't remember)
3. Nightmares. (usually under stress or after waiting)
They don't fall completely under each category. In fact, I probably forgot most if it and can't recount it chronologically. All I remember was the gist of it.
OK here is where it gets serious... Like, way serious. Oh man should I even be posting this?? My brain tells me FUCK NO. My emotional part of the brain says, you already said you ain't going to do anything about it... <--- but shit I don't like to solidify statements like that... what if? ...
And that's the problem with me... I call it a Ted Mosby. Like every girl you hang with suddenly becomes a what if not a new friend... Told a friend this and he agreed, at least one person still doesn't find me disturbing. Meh. Ted's friends told him he was just rushing, agree I guess.
Basically in the dream I'm still friends with her but its much closer and there are telltale signs she likes me too. And since it was a dream it was really weird cause at one point I was sitting with my other two friends and I had forgotten she bought a gown(?) for me and was sitting somewhere else. She was pissed for a while but after that it was OK. Oh god I remember kissing. AHHH WHATS WRONG WITH ME.
But I knew when I woke up we can't be together cause... as usual, she's Christian. (Alluding to another friend who shall not be named.) Kind of makes me wonder why I really go to church for. Am I the idiotic type who just goes for friends? No. If it were I think it'd be more consistent. I think this is a slow process.
Good job Li Keen. You have once again over-thinked your entire life. But she does that too... Bleah. Yesterday was just a surge of social aura for me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
You forget dreams in under 10 minutes. Which was why when the dream changed, subconsciously I tried everything in my power to hold on to it...
They always come in 3 versions
1. An allusion to reality (sometimes Deja Vu)
2. Complete (or apparent) randomness (Probably happens all the time but I don't remember)
3. Nightmares. (usually under stress or after waiting)
They don't fall completely under each category. In fact, I probably forgot most if it and can't recount it chronologically. All I remember was the gist of it.
OK here is where it gets serious... Like, way serious. Oh man should I even be posting this?? My brain tells me FUCK NO. My emotional part of the brain says, you already said you ain't going to do anything about it... <--- but shit I don't like to solidify statements like that... what if? ...
And that's the problem with me... I call it a Ted Mosby. Like every girl you hang with suddenly becomes a what if not a new friend... Told a friend this and he agreed, at least one person still doesn't find me disturbing. Meh. Ted's friends told him he was just rushing, agree I guess.
Basically in the dream I'm still friends with her but its much closer and there are telltale signs she likes me too. And since it was a dream it was really weird cause at one point I was sitting with my other two friends and I had forgotten she bought a gown(?) for me and was sitting somewhere else. She was pissed for a while but after that it was OK. Oh god I remember kissing. AHHH WHATS WRONG WITH ME.
But I knew when I woke up we can't be together cause... as usual, she's Christian. (Alluding to another friend who shall not be named.) Kind of makes me wonder why I really go to church for. Am I the idiotic type who just goes for friends? No. If it were I think it'd be more consistent. I think this is a slow process.
Good job Li Keen. You have once again over-thinked your entire life. But she does that too... Bleah. Yesterday was just a surge of social aura for me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday 23 June 2011
The mad rush, the forgotten getaway
You know that movie Cars? Awesome show, made me cry a little :(
How did the story play out? Lightning manages to get himself stuck in a beautiful place but gets tugged back to his real career. Now he can't concentrate. Not until his new friends came for him.
HMMMM
Manage to get myself onto a Economics Educational trip in lively America and have lots of adventures with great people but gets flown back to my academic career. Now I can't concentrate. [Missing]
Get the picture?
Perhaps when one does something he or she realizes he/she really loves, its just not the same anymore.Maybe I'm just an arts student. Or if you realize that there's a whole world out there. And you can't move. I remember Gwyenth showing me this very emo/insightful bunch of comics and one of them was about a bully who never left his hometown.
-------------------------------------------------------------
In choir, we were told that to sing with emotion, you really have to feel the song, imagine its story, visualize the lyrics, etc. I feel that when you give your own brand of imagination and life to a song, it really jumps to a level 4 song. Should explain.
Level 1: Songs you can't stand/frown upon
Level 2: Meh. Its decent, but forgettable
Level 3: Songs that are catchy, most likely pop, that you enjoy singing along with others, but alone listening to it, you may not feel deep enough.
Level 4: The songs you likely don't show other people. The songs you feel and perhaps have a deep effect on you.
Invented that when trying to explain things to people during the Econs trip.
This song requires good earphones or speakers cause the bass is a little soft.
The story I gradually felt from this song was this.
There's a over-worked guy who is stressed, angry and frustrated (explaining the distracting, weird, frustrating escalating sound at the back all the time and the heavy guitar) It never ends (the verses are very long)
But after work one day, he discovers a jazz bar while looking for a place to eat. The jazz tunes washes away his negative feelings (the chorus).
During the day, he feels mush fresher with the tunes at the back of his head, but it wears off as he gets stress. He quickly turns up again at the bar (2nd chorus). However, on the last day (seemed shorter because of the jazz), the bar is closing, and the jazz band plays a final piece with a saxophone solo. The man is sad but he knows he now has something to get him through the day. The man is a night owl :)
However you interpret the music is up to you. And maybe that is the power of instrumentals.
How did the story play out? Lightning manages to get himself stuck in a beautiful place but gets tugged back to his real career. Now he can't concentrate. Not until his new friends came for him.
HMMMM
Manage to get myself onto a Economics Educational trip in lively America and have lots of adventures with great people but gets flown back to my academic career. Now I can't concentrate. [Missing]
Get the picture?
Perhaps when one does something he or she realizes he/she really loves, its just not the same anymore.
-------------------------------------------------------------
In choir, we were told that to sing with emotion, you really have to feel the song, imagine its story, visualize the lyrics, etc. I feel that when you give your own brand of imagination and life to a song, it really jumps to a level 4 song. Should explain.
Level 1: Songs you can't stand/frown upon
Level 2: Meh. Its decent, but forgettable
Level 3: Songs that are catchy, most likely pop, that you enjoy singing along with others, but alone listening to it, you may not feel deep enough.
Level 4: The songs you likely don't show other people. The songs you feel and perhaps have a deep effect on you.
Invented that when trying to explain things to people during the Econs trip.
This song requires good earphones or speakers cause the bass is a little soft.
The story I gradually felt from this song was this.
There's a over-worked guy who is stressed, angry and frustrated (explaining the distracting, weird, frustrating escalating sound at the back all the time and the heavy guitar) It never ends (the verses are very long)
But after work one day, he discovers a jazz bar while looking for a place to eat. The jazz tunes washes away his negative feelings (the chorus).
During the day, he feels mush fresher with the tunes at the back of his head, but it wears off as he gets stress. He quickly turns up again at the bar (2nd chorus). However, on the last day (seemed shorter because of the jazz), the bar is closing, and the jazz band plays a final piece with a saxophone solo. The man is sad but he knows he now has something to get him through the day. The man is a night owl :)
However you interpret the music is up to you. And maybe that is the power of instrumentals.
Sunday 19 June 2011
No love in this house
Nobody likes to wake up to the sound of screaming and shouting.
Sometimes the person will continue to feign sleeping for as long as he can.
Maybe I should have went to church this morning.
I tried talking to my parents during dinner yesterday, was as frank as possible. My mum didn't take it well this morning. Blames it on my father. They argue often on that. I guess my mother just doesn't like anyone cramping her style. What a waste, but perhaps I got some D and C genes from her, which is OK, and I genes from my father, which makes is balanced but confusing.
Tch.
I just remembered Deborah dislikes this sort of classification, but is it a classification? Or a guideline?
Anyway, its over. And calm has been restored. But it never stops.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Need some companionship.
Sometimes the person will continue to feign sleeping for as long as he can.
Maybe I should have went to church this morning.
I tried talking to my parents during dinner yesterday, was as frank as possible. My mum didn't take it well this morning. Blames it on my father. They argue often on that. I guess my mother just doesn't like anyone cramping her style. What a waste, but perhaps I got some D and C genes from her, which is OK, and I genes from my father, which makes is balanced but confusing.
Tch.
I just remembered Deborah dislikes this sort of classification, but is it a classification? Or a guideline?
Anyway, its over. And calm has been restored. But it never stops.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Need some companionship.
Saturday 18 June 2011
Life in Lag - Triple Posting
No strokes.
I remember my English teacher in VS telling the class you need 12 positive strokes a day to survive and function, failing which you'll be depressed or unproductive.
With the sudden loss of adventure and friends in the states... I'm triple posting.
Everyone is studying, everyone is not online, everyone is doing something. Except me. Fuck this teenage mood swings. One moment I NEED to talk to strangers and friends, the next I'd rather be reading the Economist and reading the same damn music over and over again.
My family once again, is not helping. The only social time we have is either in short impromptu conversations or going out for dinner, which is often accompanied with shouting and scolding. "HURRY UP AND CHANGE!", "FASTER CHOOSE." I have a feeling my mother's parents passed that down. Asking for a game of chess or monopoly is often responded by "I need to do work." or "I'm tired, let me sleep." Of course, I could ask my younger brother, but he sucks at playing at my level. Obviously I don't blame him. Even my elder brother coming back isn't that exciting. He'll probably go drinking and stuff.
Nothing new in my life.
OK going to try Frisbee.
I remember my English teacher in VS telling the class you need 12 positive strokes a day to survive and function, failing which you'll be depressed or unproductive.
With the sudden loss of adventure and friends in the states... I'm triple posting.
Everyone is studying, everyone is not online, everyone is doing something. Except me. Fuck this teenage mood swings. One moment I NEED to talk to strangers and friends, the next I'd rather be reading the Economist and reading the same damn music over and over again.
My family once again, is not helping. The only social time we have is either in short impromptu conversations or going out for dinner, which is often accompanied with shouting and scolding. "HURRY UP AND CHANGE!", "FASTER CHOOSE." I have a feeling my mother's parents passed that down. Asking for a game of chess or monopoly is often responded by "I need to do work." or "I'm tired, let me sleep." Of course, I could ask my younger brother, but he sucks at playing at my level. Obviously I don't blame him. Even my elder brother coming back isn't that exciting. He'll probably go drinking and stuff.
Nothing new in my life.
OK going to try Frisbee.
Tch.
Meaning screw it. (Marcus influence!!)
Is it weird to reflect on your life ever so often? That you think about how you got here, what makes you different from the rest? What makes you different from your brother, what makes you different from the guy who took the exact same subjects as you, what makes you different from your entire generation.
Is it weird to wonder? Wonder what people do when they have time alone? Wonder what people are thinking when they talk to you? Wonder if people think about you from time to time, wonder what a pretty face thinks when she sees you, wonder if people are showing their true colors or not, wonder if you should change, wonder what happens if you did something differently, wonder... and wonder.
I just read in the papers something about how father-child relationships affect the child's security. Not whether Mas Selamat will show up at night, but how insecure the child is. Now I wonder if that's me. I went on further to read how a father who kept having to travel overseas affected the child really badly. So something stirring inside me for a while comes to mind.
My mother consulted me when she was about to take up a really heavy, travel loads job. Its too late now, but I wonder if that affected me. I think it did, more than I thought it would at the time. She told me she was asking me because she thought I was matured for a kid when I was 13. Maybe I was already affected as a child. Maybe its just me and I shouldn't blame my parents. I told her she should worry more for my younger brother's sake. She took the job, and I wonder if it did make a difference in my younger brother... and me. For however optimistic I am about my character, I'm still a kid.
So now what? I crave attention, seek affection, and long for a family. Its why I'm interested in hearing about other people's family. Cool, I just had an epiphany, and I'm wondering about the people who blog. Why they blog, what made them blog, and what is it they share in common outside of a blog, that perhaps reveals a character, a trait like a television drama. Hah that would be cool, you know when the show reveals a back story to an awesome character, and how these characters converge somehow despite their different backgrounds.
Maybe the best way for my family to get closer and know me better is to read my blog. I know Rifdi's parents do. It doesn't scare me, the least I know is that they love me and I love them no matter what, isn't that what family is? When they ask for it, I just go ahead and tell them, just like my blog. I recall my mum telling me she saw a photo of my vice chair on facebook. She teases me that she's dam pretty. Can tell she was pleasantly surprised to hear a "Yes, she's dam pretty. And dam distracting. Every time we have a meeting she calls me slow, and I think part of the reason is that she's around. After she has to leave for something the rest of the exco and me sort of am able to wrap things up real quickly. <---- something along those lines. My mum's response was quite cool, she said she agreed with me, quite natural. Wish I had more conversations like that. Maybe her facebook stalking is a good thing.
Tch. I'm going through another phase of loneliness again.
So I didn't answer why do I blog? Maybe I'll throw in some thoughts about why some others blog too? Its not meant to be offensive, just thinking only. I judge but I try my best to stay optimistic and treat everyone fairly but differently. Being a psychotherapist, a bringer of bad news, can get a lot of enemies. I think honesty is the best policy.
Why I blog: Lack of family support.
I know how I started, when one day I couldn't take Alif and his nonsense. Which is frankly, not his fault, I'm just insecure like that. But I had no one to turn to, I wouldn't have really told me parents. They would have just put nicely something like 'you're weak' and laugh at me. :/ So I needed public attention, or at least a private space where good friends could maybe give me advise.
Why Rifdi blogs? I'm sure he's really close to his parents. But there's something missing, he knows it.
Why Husain blogs? Too much of that something Rifdi lacks to be a nuclear family.
Why Marcus blogs? Well from some of his posts, I can tell he's not exactly happy with his parents.
Why Jaren blogs? Honestly don't know, but he seems to be as reflective and angsty as me :)
Why Zaki blogs? Hmm. Tricky, his blog isn't meant to angst or rant. Rather, to spread his wealth of wisdom and maybe see if people agree, which i do. Admire his courage like that.
That's all for now... Since these are the people whom I stalk the most and have some clue about. Just cause I didn't write about the others doesn't mean I don't respect them equally (or stalk them equally).
Tch.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I wish I could play the piano, drums, guitar, any instrument better. And cook. Yeah Cooking is attractive lol.
Is it weird to reflect on your life ever so often? That you think about how you got here, what makes you different from the rest? What makes you different from your brother, what makes you different from the guy who took the exact same subjects as you, what makes you different from your entire generation.
Is it weird to wonder? Wonder what people do when they have time alone? Wonder what people are thinking when they talk to you? Wonder if people think about you from time to time, wonder what a pretty face thinks when she sees you, wonder if people are showing their true colors or not, wonder if you should change, wonder what happens if you did something differently, wonder... and wonder.
I just read in the papers something about how father-child relationships affect the child's security. Not whether Mas Selamat will show up at night, but how insecure the child is. Now I wonder if that's me. I went on further to read how a father who kept having to travel overseas affected the child really badly. So something stirring inside me for a while comes to mind.
My mother consulted me when she was about to take up a really heavy, travel loads job. Its too late now, but I wonder if that affected me. I think it did, more than I thought it would at the time. She told me she was asking me because she thought I was matured for a kid when I was 13. Maybe I was already affected as a child. Maybe its just me and I shouldn't blame my parents. I told her she should worry more for my younger brother's sake. She took the job, and I wonder if it did make a difference in my younger brother... and me. For however optimistic I am about my character, I'm still a kid.
So now what? I crave attention, seek affection, and long for a family. Its why I'm interested in hearing about other people's family. Cool, I just had an epiphany, and I'm wondering about the people who blog. Why they blog, what made them blog, and what is it they share in common outside of a blog, that perhaps reveals a character, a trait like a television drama. Hah that would be cool, you know when the show reveals a back story to an awesome character, and how these characters converge somehow despite their different backgrounds.
Maybe the best way for my family to get closer and know me better is to read my blog. I know Rifdi's parents do. It doesn't scare me, the least I know is that they love me and I love them no matter what, isn't that what family is? When they ask for it, I just go ahead and tell them, just like my blog. I recall my mum telling me she saw a photo of my vice chair on facebook. She teases me that she's dam pretty. Can tell she was pleasantly surprised to hear a "Yes, she's dam pretty. And dam distracting. Every time we have a meeting she calls me slow, and I think part of the reason is that she's around. After she has to leave for something the rest of the exco and me sort of am able to wrap things up real quickly. <---- something along those lines. My mum's response was quite cool, she said she agreed with me, quite natural. Wish I had more conversations like that. Maybe her facebook stalking is a good thing.
Tch. I'm going through another phase of loneliness again.
So I didn't answer why do I blog? Maybe I'll throw in some thoughts about why some others blog too? Its not meant to be offensive, just thinking only. I judge but I try my best to stay optimistic and treat everyone fairly but differently. Being a psychotherapist, a bringer of bad news, can get a lot of enemies. I think honesty is the best policy.
Why I blog: Lack of family support.
I know how I started, when one day I couldn't take Alif and his nonsense. Which is frankly, not his fault, I'm just insecure like that. But I had no one to turn to, I wouldn't have really told me parents. They would have just put nicely something like 'you're weak' and laugh at me. :/ So I needed public attention, or at least a private space where good friends could maybe give me advise.
Why Rifdi blogs? I'm sure he's really close to his parents. But there's something missing, he knows it.
Why Husain blogs? Too much of that something Rifdi lacks to be a nuclear family.
Why Marcus blogs? Well from some of his posts, I can tell he's not exactly happy with his parents.
Why Jaren blogs? Honestly don't know, but he seems to be as reflective and angsty as me :)
Why Zaki blogs? Hmm. Tricky, his blog isn't meant to angst or rant. Rather, to spread his wealth of wisdom and maybe see if people agree, which i do. Admire his courage like that.
That's all for now... Since these are the people whom I stalk the most and have some clue about. Just cause I didn't write about the others doesn't mean I don't respect them equally (or stalk them equally).
Tch.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I wish I could play the piano, drums, guitar, any instrument better. And cook. Yeah Cooking is attractive lol.
Dam freaking public
Shit shit shit shit shit. Too many people reading my blog. Argh argh argh argh argh they are not guys.
PEOPLE, STOP MISINTERPRETING MY POSTS. IF YOU DON'T KNOW FOR SURE JUST ASK ME.
I frankly don't mind anyone reading except those who misread, that's the only thing that will cause a whole lot of problems. Awww fuck this I sound dam freaking despo in all my posts, which only makes things worse. My life does not revolve around anyone, my brain has other things to worry about. Just cause its on my blog does not mean it embodies every part of my soul, rather, its one part of it, and the entire blog brings about a majority of it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Full album on facebook
PEOPLE, STOP MISINTERPRETING MY POSTS. IF YOU DON'T KNOW FOR SURE JUST ASK ME.
I frankly don't mind anyone reading except those who misread, that's the only thing that will cause a whole lot of problems. Awww fuck this I sound dam freaking despo in all my posts, which only makes things worse. My life does not revolve around anyone, my brain has other things to worry about. Just cause its on my blog does not mean it embodies every part of my soul, rather, its one part of it, and the entire blog brings about a majority of it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Full album on facebook
Friday 17 June 2011
The unfinished - sadness kicking in
Day One
Arrival at New York City
First impressions always count. NYC’s gave me this first impression: Omg what kind of unexplored part of Singapore is this?! Arrival at the airport was, unimpressive. I mean, JFK airport, is slightly run down, with a dearth of aesthetic appeal, and a semi-slow immigration process. The computer broke down taking Benedict’s face :P Getting out of the airport, and the weather was exactly like Singapore. The difference I guess amounted to NYC’s people. Strong American accents, despite the diversity of races strikingly similar to Singapore, one thing I truly wished Singapore had were a more open and friendly population. Every service industry employee greeted me and asked how was my day, albeit under orders, which still was a fresh thing. I remember the rare but enjoyable instances in Singapore when I had conversations with strangers and taxi drivers, and you realize maybe we’re not so different, and I shouldn’t be that cynical. Of course, hanging around the supposedly best and brightest and being thoroughly disappointed is still very much disheartening.
OMG I SOUND DAM BORING WTS.
Actually the other purpose of doing this tedious recap is so I can complete my reflection for the trip. So I’ll just throw in a few uncompleted posts I had written due to the constant mood swinging.
I'm writing this on textedit.
On the bus from Chinatown DC to our hotel in DC.
Short and fragmented sentences that if you notice, more often than not represent a blogger's mood, his sentence structure I mean.
I wrote the above 3 paragraphs a few days ago and didn't have enough time to finish it.
Maybe these aren't even mood swings, but the security balance, the check that ensures I always remain that much less scummy at least.
Another mood swing post begins.
I'm dam vain. <--- Told Yi Hui I'll start the post (kind of) like this. I knew it slowly as I roomed with Yong Xien and Ben, and hanged a lot with Yi Hui & Deborah, Sheng Jie & Tian Zhao.
^Wrote that part last night. Don't really have time to post. Right now on the bus from Washington/Maryland to the state of Pennsylvania. ARGH DEBORAH GO TO SLEEP NOW SO I CAN HAVES SOME PRIVACY POSTING. Kthxbye :D
Why do I say I'm dam vain? When I was younger I saw my daddy cry always thought that I had to discipline myself. Mental conditioning if you will. I saw how men and women alike took so much time to make themselves up it was sickening, but that might be because I thought it wasn't any fun, and the fact that I am usually insecure, so making myself up made me even more fearful of being judged. I'm not making any sense. Perhaps its because many posts cannot be left and continued. They are typed in the spur of the moment, and right now I'm feeling the aftermath of another kind of feeling that has to do with the capitalized text above. Hehe. Well played hiding it if I do say so myself.
So in fact, perhaps all my mood swings on this trip, are just due to that one crucial factor. That she's on this trip.
Perhaps you’ve read on my earlier post that I said on this trip the students are polarized as well. And perhaps the big problem with having one loud, crazy group is that when a good soul tries to make friends in both groups, the quiet group will constantly be under pressure to perform, or do loud, fun stuff, and it only makes things worse. If only Benedict could read this. In fact I feel only now that Yong Xien has been a much better roommate to have. You don’t really know what Ben’s thing is. One moment he’s our lovely roommate, the next he’s chasing a girl. Yong Xien is always true to himself, and his quirkiness only serves to brighten my day. I’ve discovered that perhaps, honest people don’t need to be truthful all the time, just consistent. I admire these sort of people, and IMO, the PAP has this trait.
Argh. Those are the kind of posts I love to write about. Alas, REFLECTION.
--------------------------------------------------
I sing for three reasons
1. because I love to
2. to make someone smile
3, to distract stupid thoughts such as going close to someone and kissing her
Friday 10 June 2011
Of likeness and learning
Have to stop being envious of loud and often superficial groups.
New York has really been great. Many of my fellow trip mates gawk at every sight they see. Frankly though, it may just be a browner, dustier, grid-like look to the city that's the only difference. Even the ambassador says life here is really similar to Singapore. The people are of course more hospitable and friendly. Lovely. If I'm lucky enough I can strike a nice conversation with Singaporeans on the bus or train at times. For example I had a nice chat with a fellow Singaporean heading for the WP rally in Aljunied the other day. Its easy when you can start on common ground and realize we are all mature thinking adults (most of us anyway) and there's nothing to be afraid of to talk and meet with people.
I finally have a chance to use my out-of-textbook knowledge too, which of course, gives me a sense of pride, but at the same time, fulfillment. Not just because my learning is really not just limited to the textbook, but because others realize it too (I hope). I especially love the Metropolitan Museum of Art (The Met for short)... darn it couldn't stay longer :( Didn't have time to see the Arms and Armour exhibit and other really awesome exhibits. We were however greeted with a pleasant surprise while waiting for the bus as an African-American Saxophonist cum Clarinet player played the Chinese anthem and a few popular Chinese songs like 童话 and 月亮代表我的心。They really know how to do business, these Americans :P Also was amused to hear a well pronounced ‘今天的天气好热呀！’from him. Wonder if he did it because he cleverly identified us as Chinese. The essence of a performer I guess, is really to give your audience a good show, know what they want, and enjoy it too. And boy he sure enjoyed it.
Alas, just like my class, it seems like the group is polarized as well. Three factions between the high-minded, seeking to learn the so-called boring stuff, the people whom well, looks like they just came to shop and tour, and the limited number whom find a delicate balance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rest of the day 2 photos will be on FB soon
A podium at the University of Columbia
New York has really been great. Many of my fellow trip mates gawk at every sight they see. Frankly though, it may just be a browner, dustier, grid-like look to the city that's the only difference. Even the ambassador says life here is really similar to Singapore. The people are of course more hospitable and friendly. Lovely. If I'm lucky enough I can strike a nice conversation with Singaporeans on the bus or train at times. For example I had a nice chat with a fellow Singaporean heading for the WP rally in Aljunied the other day. Its easy when you can start on common ground and realize we are all mature thinking adults (most of us anyway) and there's nothing to be afraid of to talk and meet with people.
I finally have a chance to use my out-of-textbook knowledge too, which of course, gives me a sense of pride, but at the same time, fulfillment. Not just because my learning is really not just limited to the textbook, but because others realize it too (I hope). I especially love the Metropolitan Museum of Art (The Met for short)... darn it couldn't stay longer :( Didn't have time to see the Arms and Armour exhibit and other really awesome exhibits. We were however greeted with a pleasant surprise while waiting for the bus as an African-American Saxophonist cum Clarinet player played the Chinese anthem and a few popular Chinese songs like 童话 and 月亮代表我的心。They really know how to do business, these Americans :P Also was amused to hear a well pronounced ‘今天的天气好热呀！’from him. Wonder if he did it because he cleverly identified us as Chinese. The essence of a performer I guess, is really to give your audience a good show, know what they want, and enjoy it too. And boy he sure enjoyed it.
Alas, just like my class, it seems like the group is polarized as well. Three factions between the high-minded, seeking to learn the so-called boring stuff, the people whom well, looks like they just came to shop and tour, and the limited number whom find a delicate balance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rest of the day 2 photos will be on FB soon
A podium at the University of Columbia
Wednesday 8 June 2011
Stubborn lies
So glad Benedict is on this trip with me.
I'm tired and upset at myself... again.
I attempted a major persona change in a way, and it did work for a time. During CCAL camp I noticed people were much more inclined to talk to me, that I was much more livelier, and well, I really did feel much better about myself. I wonder if people noticed.
If any readers out there are female, I urge you to stop reading now haha. Lest you change your impression of me very deeply.
There's a very stupid male instinct of mine. I recall playing 'Hot Seat' during CCAL camp and someone asking me who I like. I answered, aptly and honestly "anyone with a pretty face". I know it fucking sucks, but I'm as superficial as the next guy. But its also true that face is often accompanied by a great soul. Because then if it wasn't the feelings you get just die out and never come back. It was hence very easy to forget those feelings often, because I'm generally able to churn out some super-powered cynicism and hate almost anyone I could possibly imagine. (I exaggerate, there are many exceptions)
So when I saw and talked to her again, well I guess it was OK. Slowly though, maybe it was the happier demeanour and loss of earlier feelings that made it easier to talk. Bleah. Suffice to say it was back to over-analyzing. Another stupid male instinct, just because you like her (on the surface of course) and you just start getting either really competitive, defensive, or in a sense start being a bit more show off-ey in an effort to prove your worth unconsciously. I fell for it right there and then and coupled with my once thought lost stubborn denial of losing and weakness, had to angry again. Fucking tired and upset. At myself... again.
Bah.
Finally wore off. The angst I mean. The emo-ing. Music always helps. Some alone time and reflecting. Our brains are hard wired to be optimist according to a TIME article. We naturally have the tenacity to bounce back. So I end this post with sleep beckoning me and hope for a better tomorrow. Sayonara.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Pardon. Its really difficult to get symmetrical shots on a moving bus despite all the tries you can get (every street in New York virtually looks like this). This photo fails to be completely symmetrical, but the famed Yellow NYC cab is a bonus :)
I'm tired and upset at myself... again.
I attempted a major persona change in a way, and it did work for a time. During CCAL camp I noticed people were much more inclined to talk to me, that I was much more livelier, and well, I really did feel much better about myself. I wonder if people noticed.
If any readers out there are female, I urge you to stop reading now haha. Lest you change your impression of me very deeply.
There's a very stupid male instinct of mine. I recall playing 'Hot Seat' during CCAL camp and someone asking me who I like. I answered, aptly and honestly "anyone with a pretty face". I know it fucking sucks, but I'm as superficial as the next guy. But its also true that face is often accompanied by a great soul. Because then if it wasn't the feelings you get just die out and never come back. It was hence very easy to forget those feelings often, because I'm generally able to churn out some super-powered cynicism and hate almost anyone I could possibly imagine. (I exaggerate, there are many exceptions)
So when I saw and talked to her again, well I guess it was OK. Slowly though, maybe it was the happier demeanour and loss of earlier feelings that made it easier to talk. Bleah. Suffice to say it was back to over-analyzing. Another stupid male instinct, just because you like her (on the surface of course) and you just start getting either really competitive, defensive, or in a sense start being a bit more show off-ey in an effort to prove your worth unconsciously. I fell for it right there and then and coupled with my once thought lost stubborn denial of losing and weakness, had to angry again. Fucking tired and upset. At myself... again.
Bah.
Finally wore off. The angst I mean. The emo-ing. Music always helps. Some alone time and reflecting. Our brains are hard wired to be optimist according to a TIME article. We naturally have the tenacity to bounce back. So I end this post with sleep beckoning me and hope for a better tomorrow. Sayonara.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Pardon. Its really difficult to get symmetrical shots on a moving bus despite all the tries you can get (every street in New York virtually looks like this). This photo fails to be completely symmetrical, but the famed Yellow NYC cab is a bonus :)
Sunday 5 June 2011
Hiatus - Or not?
The United States of America has free Wi-Fi in certain places. I'm bringing a laptop. I have good roommates - BLOGGING IN THE USA
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I let my mum listen to this and asked her which country its from. She said UK. (Y)
Oh btw. Its not from the UK.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I let my mum listen to this and asked her which country its from. She said UK. (Y)
Oh btw. Its not from the UK.
Friday 3 June 2011
4 Days / The H1s
Of CCAL camp.
I'm glad I click really well with other CCALs. And woohoo dragon boating :D. As usual I was insecure about... being me haha. For one thing, I have about as much strength as a 14 year old swimmer. For another, I'm not so much the camper type. Not that I mind the outdoors. But I don't know much about cooking, or pitching tents, etc. But I guess, you just have to be confident about yourself, and people will respect you for your strengths and identify you as such, not your weaknesses. Or maybe its just cause CCALs are the sort that gracefully accept and genuinely respect everyone. Go Raffles!
On a related note, 80% of the Ngee Ann-ians (5) in Raffles are CCALs!!! :D I can really start to see students appreciating and loving their secondary schools, JCs, and beyond. But what about our Primary Schools and Kindergartens? I don't know if anyone did, but in my later years in Ngee Ann, I really started to absorb values and build my character. Morrison-Richardson House Captain: Ngee Ann. Raffles Rock Chair: Ngee Ann. Table Tennis Chair: Ngee Ann. Raffles Photographic Society Chair: Ngee Ann.
So hi! I'm Li Keen, I take decent photos, sing OK, enjoy challenges and volunteer (too much)!! ^^ I do my best to love all and respect all. I make an effort to include everyone and 饮水思源！I kill myself for making mistakes over and over again, to ensure maximum learning efficiency!!! >:D
All the following shots were taken in Bintan where the camp was held, all of them are also on facebook.
Edit: I just realized that centralizing my photos will cut-off certain portions on the right! But not doing so will make writing accompanying text a whole lot more irritating!! 左右为难...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of break before I go to the USA
I practically have no holiday. After CCAL camp comes 4 days of hard core photo editing and then economics educational trip, during which I have been told to study and learn loads. When I come back, its just in time for Chinese Orals and make up lessons, plus all my leftover homework. This is probably the closest to 'no holiday' ever. After all the half-joking complaining in earlier years, you really realize how crazy JC life is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of Change.
Do you believe anyone can change drastically in four days? I think after that blog post 'TIME', I've really come out of my little cave. Maybe it came slowly. Having been put into the Chair position, you can't help but get a confidence boost. And I think I really needed it. We keep telling ourselves we'll always get back up, we'll recover from failures, from breakups, we'll work hard, we'll succeed. But when the going gets tough, you break down. And you realize your limits are... limited. Its really true that you need to taste defeat before you become great. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If you shelter yourself your whole life, you won't get anywhere.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
General Paper
The recently concluded Pre-U seminar and upcoming Econs trip has painfully reminded me that I have not read the papers or Time or Economist in a week. :/ Has the GP rep lost his drive? Was he only interested in the elections or Libya after all?
Project Work
I feel terrible for not contributing anything the past few crucial days leading up to the GPP submission. I'm really glad my group is so hardworking and tolerant. From what I've heard, we're the only group which managed to get approval. It may be owing to the fact that my teacher suggested our new topic anyway, but I cannot discount the fact that my group is made up of dedicated individuals with drive and BROTHERHOOD!!! :D (No girls mahhh :x) Joshua Chia is a true blueHUFFLEPUFF Victorian, lives up to the motto Nil Sine Labore really well. I want to pass on being leader to him, but well, the position is more symbolic anyway.
华文
黄老师已经说了，如果要进步华文，基本上要讲华语，写华文。虽然成绩差，可是一旦我放弃时，那就可以算一个科目不及格，明年还要再考。因此，从今天起，我必须尽力用华文和华语交通，希望能促进华语程度，当时也帮我在‘满足人民会议’（Meet-the-People Session)变得比较有用和不懂英语的居民讲话。我不可以再懒惰；不可以实用我底底的华语程度来做个理由。看来，我再需要我中学的，陈旧的华文笔记本。
I'm glad I click really well with other CCALs. And woohoo dragon boating :D. As usual I was insecure about... being me haha. For one thing, I have about as much strength as a 14 year old swimmer. For another, I'm not so much the camper type. Not that I mind the outdoors. But I don't know much about cooking, or pitching tents, etc. But I guess, you just have to be confident about yourself, and people will respect you for your strengths and identify you as such, not your weaknesses. Or maybe its just cause CCALs are the sort that gracefully accept and genuinely respect everyone. Go Raffles!
On a related note, 80% of the Ngee Ann-ians (5) in Raffles are CCALs!!! :D I can really start to see students appreciating and loving their secondary schools, JCs, and beyond. But what about our Primary Schools and Kindergartens? I don't know if anyone did, but in my later years in Ngee Ann, I really started to absorb values and build my character. Morrison-Richardson House Captain: Ngee Ann. Raffles Rock Chair: Ngee Ann. Table Tennis Chair: Ngee Ann. Raffles Photographic Society Chair: Ngee Ann.
So hi! I'm Li Keen, I take decent photos, sing OK, enjoy challenges and volunteer (too much)!! ^^ I do my best to love all and respect all. I make an effort to include everyone and 饮水思源！I kill myself for making mistakes over and over again, to ensure maximum learning efficiency!!! >:D
All the following shots were taken in Bintan where the camp was held, all of them are also on facebook.
The guy on the right is photoshopped in cause he overslept xD
Edit: I just realized that centralizing my photos will cut-off certain portions on the right! But not doing so will make writing accompanying text a whole lot more irritating!! 左右为难...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of break before I go to the USA
I practically have no holiday. After CCAL camp comes 4 days of hard core photo editing and then economics educational trip, during which I have been told to study and learn loads. When I come back, its just in time for Chinese Orals and make up lessons, plus all my leftover homework. This is probably the closest to 'no holiday' ever. After all the half-joking complaining in earlier years, you really realize how crazy JC life is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of Change.
Do you believe anyone can change drastically in four days? I think after that blog post 'TIME', I've really come out of my little cave. Maybe it came slowly. Having been put into the Chair position, you can't help but get a confidence boost. And I think I really needed it. We keep telling ourselves we'll always get back up, we'll recover from failures, from breakups, we'll work hard, we'll succeed. But when the going gets tough, you break down. And you realize your limits are... limited. Its really true that you need to taste defeat before you become great. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If you shelter yourself your whole life, you won't get anywhere.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
General Paper
The recently concluded Pre-U seminar and upcoming Econs trip has painfully reminded me that I have not read the papers or Time or Economist in a week. :/ Has the GP rep lost his drive? Was he only interested in the elections or Libya after all?
Project Work
I feel terrible for not contributing anything the past few crucial days leading up to the GPP submission. I'm really glad my group is so hardworking and tolerant. From what I've heard, we're the only group which managed to get approval. It may be owing to the fact that my teacher suggested our new topic anyway, but I cannot discount the fact that my group is made up of dedicated individuals with drive and BROTHERHOOD!!! :D (No girls mahhh :x) Joshua Chia is a true blue
华文
黄老师已经说了，如果要进步华文，基本上要讲华语，写华文。虽然成绩差，可是一旦我放弃时，那就可以算一个科目不及格，明年还要再考。因此，从今天起，我必须尽力用华文和华语交通，希望能促进华语程度，当时也帮我在‘满足人民会议’（Meet-the-People Session)变得比较有用和不懂英语的居民讲话。我不可以再懒惰；不可以实用我底底的华语程度来做个理由。看来，我再需要我中学的，陈旧的华文笔记本。
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