Float

Float

Tuesday 6 March 2018

Why

I have not been able to concentrate for the past hour since Igor lambasted me for lambasting Nico. The truth is that I take him very seriously, and I took the two elections that I lost very seriously. The truth is, it hurts very much to have had such a bad quarter and not be able to overcome those challenges to prepare for my speeches. The truth is, it was very difficult juggling everything, bed bugs inclusive, and living so far off campus, and I am extremely exhausted and frustrated. And I feel even more frustrated because I believe I have done everything I am supposed to do for the fraternity while seeing other people seemingly not do the same things. I'm not sure what's going on in their lives, but I get the feeling I am handling a lot more than other people and still managing to contribute.

I think what upsets me is as Steele puts it, I worship my independence, and I guess I also worship some sense of self-awareness and moral authority that I detest having to hold on to and it's rearing its ugly head at last - I have always tried to convince myself that I am no better than anyone else but I have not actually been successful, and so in my arrogance I actually believe a lot of people 'don't get it' but don't see it, and I am 'done' playing my part in trying to convince them or to enact slow change. And my time is up, because it also hurts truly, seeing all my friends get elected (and they are all very qualified to do so), while I am left to freeload and my efforts (and I really feel like I staked a few eggs into this basket) but fell short of overcoming the fact that I was not here fall. And that is why I feel so fucking angry, that I was penalized for some understandable, structural region.

I've dangled the thought of deactivating but then my housing would be hopeless. So I am left as someone whom I believe tried my very best to contribute but will never have anything to show for it... just freeloading in the house. And it's sad that while I don't think that is very important in a sense, I built it up to really mean something to me that I could be an international student and juggle all these things and study abroad and still get a leadership role of some sort, and it means something to society who will see that I joined a fraternity but never took on anything significant. I'm toying now with the idea that I feel upset also because I 'wasted' so much time trying to run for things, and I guess told to many people that I did, and so I am ashamed I am this mediocre, ultimately.

And I consider myself, a loser for it. I am the jack of all trades, but truly master of none.

No comments: