Just tired

I'm just tired. My brain is mush. Like thoughts and feelings flowing through with no rhyme or reason and it's hard for me to grasp. Perhaps a feeling of being overwhelmed, constantly rushing or feeling urgency. Some of it is made up, klishta and caffeine don't mix. I just want to be carried away, in soundless sleep, like during the liminal space of Christmas to New Year's. I want peace and quiet, but it's awkward and guilty, I wish someone understood and gave me a signal of whether it's normal. I feel the ruthlessness of tedium and everyday. I want to keep promises but the only thing I can sacrifice is my time and energy and attention. I'm addicted to this spiral of negativity but all I receive is awkward looks of helplessness and I get that. I want to watch a movie of struggle for a role model, is that sickening?

I wish she would understand her own American-ness, but how can I fault someone for being their own nationality in ignorance? It is like asking how they know the words they know go together. Or perhaps it is from my own narrow view and lack of sample size that I project stereotypes. But that makes it worse if there is no reason, just idiosyncrasy. How can I carry on with my choices if I'm in it alone? Sometimes there are so many small things, paper cuts, that it seems her preferences are far away. Sometimes it feels like we trend further and further away, and our history is looked back with new and darker lenses rather rose tinted. 

Change is the Only Constant II

"You're not a loser. You know what a loser is? A real loser is somebody that's so afraid of not winning, they don't even try." A quote from Little Miss Sunshine, which I have never watched.

I'm home early from work. Many of my coworkers did the same. Our manager is going on maternity leave, but also, quite suddenly, leaving the company. Many saw her as the primary reason for staying. To me it is another good person who has left, while I have not. I am afraid. I have always been afraid. I have been afraid of too much.

"You put your hat in the ring at a time of great uncertainty. I sincerely respect that." A quote from a colleague, whom I respect greatly for being who they are. 

I was afraid when I "put my hat in the ring", but at least not afraid enough to do it in the first place. I felt compelled, and I recognize it was an emotional "fuck it" decision, even though at the same time, somebody put the idea to me as "why not" once before, so I did consider it before. I can still be afraid, but I should stop thinking I'm a loser. I should stop thinking that others must say it for me to feel it. I should stop feeling like confidence is arrogance and shameful. I should learn to take Ls and live life. This is water. I should stop letting imperfect conditions be excuses. I should stop being afraid of judgement. I should stop being afraid of responsibility. Maybe the reason I don't take charge without explicitly being called to do it is because then I can blame others for the choice, but even when you are being asked to take charge, you should take the blame anyway. It is not fair, it is right.

I cannot shake the feeling that others are not telling the truth out of polite-ness, but I recognize that thinking this way is a form of bias too. Some of it comes from this idea of a "compliment sandwich", which at this point I believe it counter-productive, in a Goodhart's law kind of way. Since everybody knows about it, or at the minimum the more people know it, the less authentic the whole sandwich seems, because you wonder if the template is being filled out in a forced manner. One cannot boil down good and bad things always into neat slices of 2 to 1. But still, if the only "truth" I seek or believe are negative, that's all I will ever "hear" or accept.

Have some work to get back to. I'll think and process more later.