Kids

Perennial questions you don't have to ask in the army.

What if you're friends with someone, you kind of like her but rationally it probably isn't going to happen(?) //although the rational reasons are sometimes a little jarring, confirmation bias for your shyness.

I just used slashes to comment because I'm a C++ coder hah.

Ok. Back to that. Sure, you're a rational person. And case in point, you KNOW the romantic movies are just fucking Hollywood. And then you see someone else go for that person; worse, it's also a good friend. //this happens a lot in Hollywood/TV doesn't it!

Let's make the points even more tragic; what if the reasons she might not like you are race or body image? Ooh. Stings. The idealist might protest: if that's her reason for liking someone that's not someone you really want right? But the world doesn't work like that, physical attractiveness plays a part and you've been handed the short hand of the gene pool mon amis.

And so I guess what I'm saying is, in this little time left to blog a little, this sucks. Sometimes you ain't sure if these 18 YOs have it better figured out y'know. Being a foreigner is a big rational stopper too tbh.

Change is the Only Constant

I dropped my bid at the frat so now I'm part of Lambda Chi Alpha!

Course, I wasn't 100% on this. No lies, I'm an honest dude. But then, to quote Hilary Benn, when have there ever been, perfect circumstances? The fact is, change or decay (as Morty says). Learn to live with people you don't necessarily clique with. Better, learn to love them as your brothers and sisters, your fellow human beings for who they are.

Butttt fuckkkk
I totally missed two homework deadlines and the drinking tonight because I am a horrible person.
Nonetheless I carry on, with crippled grades. This winter's going to be harder for sure. But I'll keep my promises, 1 cup of coffee at a time.

Were you rushing or dragging?

I had absolutely zero time to think about this during winter break tbh.

Let's lay it down. Proper. Though I'm late.

Strongest reasons to rush:
The AMERICAN Experience
Cheap(?) housing (this can easily be circumvented tbh; look, progress already)
Friends :'( - basically meeting a whole bunch of people and not rotting in sophomore year
~Sidetrack: Am I really that greedy? I have an awesome group of friends that stay in ISRC...but what will happen in year 2? Even year 3? IF ONLY I was talented; dang for shame man. And Jesus dude you have so many guy friends already.
Pride - admittedly. Wanted to show I'm not a close-minded guy I guess? But I suppose it's for the wrong reasons.

Strongest reasons to stay away:
Do I really subscribe to some archaic notion of gender separation? (I mean, I went to VS?)
~Sidetrack: is it too idealistic to believe the differences between genders are too tenuous, too insignificant to warrant such a division?
The icky icky behaviour exemplified even by my seniors in Lambda Chi - is it being honest with yourself? Or sexist? Of course, there's always physical attraction, should we pretend/deny it? On the other hand... there's just something disgusting about 'checking out chicks'. The 'nature' logical fallacy. If something is natural, does it make it right? Is this one of the cases? Hasn't the era of social prohibition shown to be an utter failure?

And goddam Kaplan papers due so fast.

This decision might have been sealed had their frat house contain a drumset.

#86 Air-drumming and headbanging
Aw yissss. I just love the release from drumming, but I'm going to dedicate this number just to air-drumming, because I obviously do it a lot more and I can do it anytime I want. When I need to hype out, scream on the inside, and generally give menacing glares to anyone I see while getting my fix of angry music.

Who Am Me?

Church or club

I don't believe in God, but I believe in certain lifestyles.
The party lifestyle is not one of those exactly.
Not college parties, which are with friends and are cheap af really.
But the kind of party like zouk out, where the truth is all I can imagine are people, not bad people mind you, but people spending money to drink and dress and sweat(?), and yeah I guess I can''t escape the prejudice I have of them - entitled and rich. It was this dissonance I was trying to unlock all along, because parties in USA are different than in SG. In the east, the new rich chase after westernized culture like sheep; and this isn't true, or isn't representative - this is what the 'right' way of thinking goes.

And I hate dissonance.
I hate wrong representations.
I hate dishonesty, insincerity, hiding, acting... I don't know.
I hate that a bunch of rich guys can be served by poor(?)/less wealthy locals in a resort - and I hate it that I'm completely unsure what they are thinking. I don't know if they are putting on a show for us, if they hate their job, if they are envious, the small talk(?) The relationship is just different, between a snowboard instructor for example, we can be on 'equal' terms - yes I'm probably more well-off, but he still gets to snowboard and I'm humbly accepting his instruction as a pupil. Then there's the waiter/waitress - and maybe this is just Singapore - we hear their plight; the cliched movies of a hard day's work at the diner. Is it just Hollywood? Are they truly happy? What do they think when a rich businessman pulls out a wad of cash on a drink? Are they disgusted or do they think they would do the same with that much money?

And this was what I was uncomfortable with all along... er maybe.
I cannot stand getting what I get - I did not deserve this. Why am I the person ordering $40 steak and why is the waiter 'in service' to me. Or am I just looking at it the wrong way - I mean, they too get their days off, and they have times when they are being served steak; and it's not like we are bad customers, we aren't at all snobbish or impatient - that I hate the most when my mom does that sometimes. The 'you are serving me' attitude that Asians have.

Point of disgust number 2 - those resort adverts, showing a bunch or rich people drinking champagne on a yacht, relaxing on the beach. I guess it's just a symptom of capitalism. The money goes into a valuable number of jobs in the service industry after all.

Number 3? Younger brother - I really want to know what he thinks, what he's thinking, how he's growing. Something awkward because my elder brother has never really asked the same of me(?) we were too different people maybe. I get this feeling I got more of my dad's character than my elder brother because my dad is reserved, likes rock music, and is pretty down-to-earth in a way.

Or maybe I'm just really really tired, and I just need a simple, real conversation - and my family will never be able to provide for that. Sometimes I wonder if I should just go to CAPS; not because I'm depressed - pretty dam sure when the caffeine gets rolling the hypetrain goes full steam - but because it probably would help.

Or just open a wing in the CAPS office called the friends division - for anyone who just wants a walk-in deep conversation. I feel like this torrent of words ain't going to end for some time.

Headache

I just lost all my energy.
I guess I just don’t ever feel good doing fine dining. It’s a little childish for sure. But I really, really frown upon the whole culture of ‘elite’. And I guess I do believe my elder brother is in part the kind of arrogant, entitled swine that is apparently ‘sad that people don’t know how to dress up’. But then I’m reminded of the uncomfortable feeling I got not wearing a full formal suit for Lambda Chi’s formal. A little hypocrisy there. Then again, there’s a difference between eating just with your family (so really, who the fuck cares if you’re wearing a T-Shirt if there are no restaurant nor social rules to wear a shirt?) If it were up to me… ok goddam it I can’t concentrate with TV on, people in the room, and my thoughts running away as usual.

God I hate it when I have racing thoughts and no way to record it. Pretty much what happened in the steakhouse, a combination of disgust with throwing money away for at best slightly better food, and the caffeine running low, and the alcohol, and just the un-enthusiasm. Sometimes I wonder, incredulously, if I’m adopted, just because I’m so different. I hate privilege, and that’s why I hate me. I just feel undeserving at the moment. I just always see that homeless man, that poor family when my family spends this much money on what I think are frivolous things.

Time Slows and Speeds at the Same Time

Ok disclaimers.

On pretty strong stuff right now, and I don't mean I'm sitting on a beach whale.

I mean, marijuana of course.

I just wanted to sort of self-observe? (and document it)

Time is perceived to slow down by us, because we're moving at a much slower rate. My typing for example, although it may also be for noise reasons. Yet this means time is actually speeding up -> that is, our actual perceived rate of time flowing (and its closeness to the real thing) remains consta

Current thoughts: I wanna know oh oh oh, oh oh oh, if you'll be my girl, just for the night (with your consent!) -> related to Joe Biden's amazing speech btw.

Current current thoughts, my sense of angles is all fuzzy and shit right now. Turning 180 (almost said 360) Ok What, do I just hop it to bed right now?

Maybe I've been cross-fading this whole time.

Pretty obvious.

What do you want?

I explained to Xin Yi the party culture in America and advised her to ask herself what she wants.

And though once I knew, it's obvious now I don't.

Just cycles and cycles.

There has to be a pattern, a policy.

I'm greedy. I want the company of close friends and the excitement of making new ones all the time.

And let's be honest here (as always), Chin Yee's question at my birthday party (where are the girls?) hurt a lot. It's obvious why I don't have many close female friends. Or maybe it's not. The point is, my subconscious has been trying to 'fix it' but because I know this, I actively work to un-discriminate and see things clearly, without prejudice. That pretty much sums up everything I do. And I guess I live on encouraging feedback and my own stubborn stoicism to continue some ideal approach to the world while being pragmatically cynical about reality.

An aside. I'm new to snowboarding and learning was fun as hell but goddamn the fear of falling and losing control is in my head right now and it's really debilitating.

Damn. Re-reading that passage above reminded me of that time in an art exchange where I basically took the initiative to bridge the gap between the boys on one side and the girls on the other. I was perhaps naive, or beyond my time. Or whatever. I can't help but feel this goes way back to that time I confessed to Zhen Ting.

Where does that all leave me?

I relish experience. All of it. I want to understand, to empathize, to amass a collection of perspectives. I want to be everybody's friend. And it irks me that I can't find a group that treads the line between extroversion and introversion like me. I can't find the oxymoronic 'welcoming clique'. At 20, you church or you club... or you be lonely.

I love the connection of face to face, but I'm uncomfortable with it's insular nature. I should join CAPS or something.

How could it be that just a few months ago my mind was so open, so comfortable, yet now all I could see were the same old prejudices.

She still eats me. I hate drama.

When I try to be everybody, I become nobody. Where are the shape-shifters?
Photographers are ultimately, loners.