What do you want?

I explained to Xin Yi the party culture in America and advised her to ask herself what she wants.

And though once I knew, it's obvious now I don't.

Just cycles and cycles.

There has to be a pattern, a policy.

I'm greedy. I want the company of close friends and the excitement of making new ones all the time.

And let's be honest here (as always), Chin Yee's question at my birthday party (where are the girls?) hurt a lot. It's obvious why I don't have many close female friends. Or maybe it's not. The point is, my subconscious has been trying to 'fix it' but because I know this, I actively work to un-discriminate and see things clearly, without prejudice. That pretty much sums up everything I do. And I guess I live on encouraging feedback and my own stubborn stoicism to continue some ideal approach to the world while being pragmatically cynical about reality.

An aside. I'm new to snowboarding and learning was fun as hell but goddamn the fear of falling and losing control is in my head right now and it's really debilitating.

Damn. Re-reading that passage above reminded me of that time in an art exchange where I basically took the initiative to bridge the gap between the boys on one side and the girls on the other. I was perhaps naive, or beyond my time. Or whatever. I can't help but feel this goes way back to that time I confessed to Zhen Ting.

Where does that all leave me?

I relish experience. All of it. I want to understand, to empathize, to amass a collection of perspectives. I want to be everybody's friend. And it irks me that I can't find a group that treads the line between extroversion and introversion like me. I can't find the oxymoronic 'welcoming clique'. At 20, you church or you club... or you be lonely.

I love the connection of face to face, but I'm uncomfortable with it's insular nature. I should join CAPS or something.

How could it be that just a few months ago my mind was so open, so comfortable, yet now all I could see were the same old prejudices.

She still eats me. I hate drama.

When I try to be everybody, I become nobody. Where are the shape-shifters?
Photographers are ultimately, loners.