Substance

I haven't done this for a long time. Blog because I'm sleepless.

Would I want something like soma in this world?

Would I be OK with a perfect and just robot master?

... These books I'm ingesting, of course I wish I could share it with someone. Josiah is great on that, so glad to have him as a friend.

And why are we sleepless?

Is it physical, mental, both? The messy complicated both is probably always the answer.

I had a great time with Grace before she leaves, but after every 1-1 I have with people, without fail I would feel something unanswered or unsaid, and yet I still long for these conversations, maybe because I always feel that lingering hunger for...

For substance.

It's what I think drives Karen as well. That hunger for something... real, meaningful, impactful... no matter how many synonyms, substance is really the word I'm looking for. Weight as opposed to lightness. Kundera makes a good case that what we fear isn't heaviness... things like grief and fatigue, even though they are painful. It is routine, hedonism, airiness and meaninglessness that scares us...

And it's this substance I'm missing right now. What Steele thought was ennui and boredom, but I feel that it runs deeper than he describes... he wants drive, purpose and passion, he wants something to wake up to and tire from. I want it too Steele. And no lies, I feel sometimes that having someone to care for would fulfill that purpose for me.

So now, buried in my books... I dredge on longingly. Et la nuit continue.