Just tired

I'm just tired. My brain is mush. Like thoughts and feelings flowing through with no rhyme or reason and it's hard for me to grasp. Perhaps a feeling of being overwhelmed, constantly rushing or feeling urgency. Some of it is made up, klishta and caffeine don't mix. I just want to be carried away, in soundless sleep, like during the liminal space of Christmas to New Year's. I want peace and quiet, but it's awkward and guilty, I wish someone understood and gave me a signal of whether it's normal. I feel the ruthlessness of tedium and everyday. I want to keep promises but the only thing I can sacrifice is my time and energy and attention. I'm addicted to this spiral of negativity but all I receive is awkward looks of helplessness and I get that. I want to watch a movie of struggle for a role model, is that sickening?

I wish she would understand her own American-ness, but how can I fault someone for being their own nationality in ignorance? It is like asking how they know the words they know go together. Or perhaps it is from my own narrow view and lack of sample size that I project stereotypes. But that makes it worse if there is no reason, just idiosyncrasy. How can I carry on with my choices if I'm in it alone? Sometimes there are so many small things, paper cuts, that it seems her preferences are far away. Sometimes it feels like we trend further and further away, and our history is looked back with new and darker lenses rather rose tinted.