Singapore

I have not thought this much of home in a while.
Or at least not in this pseudo-dramatic fashion.

The Apprentice was a really good film. (Not to be confused with the shitshow literally by Donald Trump) Throughout the film I was thinking about Junfeng's choices, and I was thinking about home. I recognized it all. And in the end the most feel-good films are about recognition, of tropes, of symbols, of people.

I recognized my and all my friends' and families' HDB flats. I recognized the buses and MRTs, the people, the language, the food, the sights and sounds. I don't know where to begin.

To begin on feelings of being foreign here, to begin on how Singaporean am I really, to begin on my perceptions of other Singaporeans here, Singaporean-ness in general, the whole shebang reminding me of when I questioned my otherness to other AEP students probably only to realize the irony of it.

I can't blog without digressing. And honestly I should be working, as always.
The intimacy and closeness I felt with the genuinely Singaporean character of this film, past race, language, or religion truly, was not lost on me. Some combination of pride, nostalgia, duty, entrapment even. I have always been genuinely optimistic about the weakness of cultural barriers at a certain socioeconomic level (and I am fully aware of my privilege here) but unwilling to give up this individuality that I know is the last step of true assimilation here. Because I love my country, I love it's music, food, people and vibes. I love my neighbourhood and my family and friends. I love all these things despite.

Quintessentially my personal, superficial human problem I've always had is loneliness in a romantic sense. But I recognize that my ambitions and principles don't align very nicely at all. In a sense, if I were to think about a serious relationship I would be asking my partner to firstly stay in Singapore (which is fine if they're Singaporean) but also if I were to join the foreign service... a huge burden and sacrifice that I'm unwilling to place on my partner for pure feelings of egalitarianism. I cannot ask my spouse to do the stereotypical 'sacrifice for husband's career' nonsense because I genuinely want to be part of the progress of gender equality, but also because my character is not to ask for someone's favour.

That was a difficult point to make not least because I'm basically revealing a serious intention that can come off as too strong should a future partner read it. But I guess that's what I signed up for following a principle of honest and open blogging. Obviously things change and people will be mature about it.

This leaves only kind of short-term, for-fun relationships. And I'm not the most sure where I stand on that. Probably ok with it. Credits to Maria and Agneska for helping me to re-evaluate all of these things.

And then there's my otherness. There are certain habits that I do not shake, and attitudes I have not shed. Thankfully this fraternity, genuinely open as it is, gave me space to be myself for the most part. But I do think about it. I've come to realize that somehow, I'm not just different than locals, but different from Singaporeans in a significant way. It's a little lonely sometimes that in my effort to essentially not fit, and be middle of so many things, I'm probably just kind of an aside for most people. But I risked it, I chose to constantly push my comfort zone.

This has all been a long time coming, and I still can write more. Let's go on for a bit.

I miss ISRC and old groups of friends. But I also love being in this fraternity for its essential qualities. I wish it didn't have to be this way at all yet know why it is. I know that many things live in some fantasy optimistic land and this is how I learn - in compromise. My ex-roommate has always brilliantly put things that my current roommate has not yet talked to me about.

I feel it deeply, I'm more like non-frat people than frat people yet because I chose, my agency makes me a frat person. Does that make sense? I've always thought choice in the end, was what mattered most: not your inclinations, upbringing, some pseudo-psycho-determinism. But I know that if I did live at Jess/Agneska's place I would be more comfortable, but the insatiable hunger would remain.

Maybe it all boils down to this: I'm here on a clock and so I never feared to try because it would essentially reset. I'm here as an observer and participant, and in the end my blog is my true space and true self. I regret only somewhat that I did not choose the path more traveled, and I think in my dying days I will have more inner vitality than if I concentrated solely on academics and things I knew.

Thank you Ben for the instant laksa (which I'm eating now because I guess you could say it's a good first occasion), and thank you for your time if you're just a random reader.