Red Fingernails

I'm typing this with red fingernails. Like painted ones.

What is the meaning of always initiating first? Is it routine, or is it obligation?
I just came back from Rocky Horror Picture Show, a marvelous cult classic. I wish more freshmen had shown up. I also am pretty disappointed a party that happens every week (I mean sure this is Halloween, but there's the next few days) was preferred over this. And I know part of it is of course, peer pressure.

I think perhaps this is where my greatest annoyance comes from - dependency. It's not pretty, I know I have a strong support base and that I cannot live on my own, I know that I'm also affected by F.O.M.O, etc. Yet I cannot shake the feeling that I am more independent than many others. It could be true, given my age, my foreign-ness. But it can get lonely.

I know now that sometimes I feel this urge to deceive - because I want a deeper connection - and that it's unhealthy and I yet I've been excusing myself by saying I'm adapting. It's true that I am, but also that urge means that sometimes I've gone too far and I will eventually bear the consequences. I'm driven by this strong impetus to connect people, and be friends with everyone, and to show people that everyone is complex by being an example. My second deepest annoyance, (or first) - assumptions others make about others.

Other things - I think I've somewhat given up trying to convince people by contest. Maybe some wisdom is telling me Tolstoy was right, people can't be convinced.

My hair's still wait and the clothes are in the dryer, but it's so late.

I need to whip out my camera again.