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Wednesday 5 October 2016

Hierarchical and Institutional Power

The title was just the answer which I never got to say in class today.

In truth I wanted to blog yesterday immediately after seeing Mel again in a while. It was really nice catching up with her and frankly just nice to have a long 1-1 conversation with another person again. I brought this up with Steele just now, another reason why they are important to me. It's because I can really bring out the person, their unique character, I can know them, for their strengths, flaws and aspirations, I can experience the fullness of their being. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too dramatic in spirit for my own good (probably). This is what separates me from 'the typical Singaporean', or maybe not, because I don't truly know what goes on in other people's minds. I just know there is a deviance that is apparent in Karen and Yi Hai, and Tze Yang... there is depth I can feel.

I wasn't sure what to make of it honestly, we both know it was a little awkward avoiding the rootbeer keg in the lounge kind of - that we have some history, however brief. Wasn't sure if I would have liked it to have been mentioned, maybe closure, or no. I still like her, but I know somehow it won't work, not really. Given some different circumstance, or some later time, who knows. Or you know, maybe she doesn't really care about that anymore, which could certainly be the case. But I have so much respect for how mature she is, and how the relationship was.

I've aged a lot since then... I don't know if I'll fit it in anymore, going back. It tires me to think about how all the friends I've made here will be gone... it tires me to think about how much of a prick I used to be. It really is just tiring to be alone. Yet the ugliness of it, I've also become more aware of - that I'm selfish, that I'm picky and that I'm not as ready to give up my individuality and freedom as much as I used to think. In the end, so many things are ephemeral.... I just thought about how I didn't give Daniel my blog, even though I wanted to once. Am I just looking for permanence in age?

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