Float

Float

Saturday 5 December 2015

Back to writing

So I haven't written in a while and that may have caused some damage.

Holy shit, my roommate is sleep talking. In Beijing mandarin.

OK anyway. The cycle always continues.
I need, I must write.

So questions.
How do you know, if (she's) people are just throwing you a bone? And is that ok or no, to try and override your feelings with 'values'. And I wish I knew why, and I wish I should have asked. I let her know, and she said no. So I'm 'ok', because I'm respectful. And if I lose in the end, was it worth it?

I'm cold, and I've always wanted to cuddle. I want to know, how you feel, how you think, how you touch. And your laugh, is annoying as hell, but I love it all the same.

I should have wrote this sooner but it's always like this, tired as hell.
Climbing, got so far, where am I at now? Is it square one?

What I miss, whom I miss... Hai Qing, Amanda, Jia Le, Ben. Why? They were spontaneous. They were leaders (minus 1). It wasn't meant to be, and there was no 'cool', there was no judgement then.

So I'm observing the fishbowl, the American fishbowl, but I'm also in it. Now for sure. I can get out at any time, but then the fishbowl is really where it's at.

I can be anything. I can be the drinker, the awful dancer, experiencing and fitting in. I can crawl back to my cave in loneliness but contemplate, and for all I know, the wiser.

God, I hate correcting my English now. Must be the lingering effects of writing my paper.
I felt like writing a poem. But just now. And yea I guess you can't hold on to the fleeting feelings.

So now I'm recalling. Hendrik's blog. Ying Yue's blog. Gwenyth's blog. And mine. Maybe I should change the top banner? But I wanted to leave a legacy. I want to embrace and hold on to a past.

And I've changed. I'm remodelled maybe. I don't exactly know. I'm back to school, after the army.

I didn't finish my #100. I forgot where I left off and what I have left. But I guess I have new numbers now :)

My roommates troubles are now truly my own. What's keeping me from just being a dick? Argh. I'm just so frustrated. But I couldn't stand it. I always need to be the lone ranger, the hero. As if it put me on a higher position. Is that what I want then? To always be on some higher ground? I need to handle being humbled tremendously. To be wrong. And yet when I showed vulnerability, it was 'a put off'. Fuck you mel. But dam you taught me a lot. Correction, sorry that was mean. It's not her at all. It was just me, being a massive asshole.

The human condition is weird af. I feel like these are just over-done, overcooked, over-fried thoughts.

I'm just not sure. And I'll learn to deal with the darkness.

Congratulations. I'm at Northwestern.

No comments: