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Friday 15 April 2016

Je ne sais pas quoi dire

2 things.

Language; or inability to speak it.

Body type; or lack of muscle.

I promised. So I'll keep it.

Am I going to complain again?

My weakest moments are when, in my head, I'm transported into someone else's, almost like Harry in Voldemort's head, and I see myself. And I feel pity, or weakness. Meaning I imagine the person is pitying me, or judging. And it's a weird and dark cycle because when you feel that, you generally become that in some unconscious desperation. And you kind of just want to scream.

Don't self-deprecate? Maybe I should do stand-up so I'm allowed to.

Maybe I should seek help. From a friend I mean. The trouble with being so independent.

OK. That was really all I needed, perhaps.

Questions:
So where do I go from here.
If not doing anything wrong means I have to be lonely... ok don't use that word. That's not fair. I cannot threaten.
Too easy, play dirty? Share less, more hugs?

Sometimes I feel frustrated I had to learn this all on my own, but then everyone pretty much has to too. Maybe not as late, and not without an ounce of guidance from my family.

The Americans are too American, and the Singaporeans are too Singaporean.
I need to become a better listener; because when it's you sharing most of the time, you will automatically get the feeling you're the only one with problems.

I'm recalling the time Yi Hui leaned on my shoulder and how that was such a foreign feeling to me. That's pretty sad, but I am better than that, and I've learnt.

Why don't people take me in the arms right, or lean on my shoulder. Well, they did, and it made it even more confusing. This is true.

One of those times when it hurts so much you feel it, physically. How much easier would it have been to grow up bigger and stronger I will never, ever, know.

Was Elza right in saying I need to be with someone that I will have greater power over? Because that's just disgusting imo...

Re-disclaiming:
The stuff on my blog are emo because I blog when I am emo, so this isn't a natural disposition! I'm actually fine. Just gotta put stuff out there ya know.

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