A year in green

One full year in the army and I have discovered so much about myself.
Or re-discovered.
Or uncovered... and still no closer to what the protagonist in kite runner found - redemption. A way out.
A way forward.

Bleak, dark.
Lost for words when it's time for them.
Like the moment has passed.
Poetic Inspiration.
They say some of the great poets and inventors always kept a notepad with them, in case of that moment.
The moment just before bed, or staring out the window.

Years came and went like this.
I amble on.

Thoughts on swords and games.
The question is did I have someone to spend new years with, and squandered it.

I wish I had the courage to post and not be frightened by judgement.
Why am I so defensive?
We all know the answers but we don't know or don't want the solutions.

An afternoon in the rain

An afternoon in the rain

An afternoon in the rain

Sip your coffee

Hunch into your chair

Feel the heavy air

A breeze washes over

And twinkling in outside puddles

Soak in the view

Everything in grey hue

Let em swing

this summer's day away,

Let the rain narrow our vision

to shadows beyond the mist

Hey erm

Hey erm

Would you care to

I mean

Would you like to

its a bit short notice but

can i find out

may i ask if

if its not weird

I've got this question

Are you free this

I've been meaning to ask

Hope it isnt a bad time but

Is it ok if

Are you ok with

Hey erm

maybe you could

just tell

how you

really

feel?

Extracting the abstract

Visions so grand that you can't explain.
What do people think about when they have nothing to think about?
Games, TV and sex. No better than the people I judge. It is a way to vent my frustration with myself.

You'll be in debt to that someone.
Are you afraid you're unworthy?
If you have a choice why choose wrong?
Instead taking your time till you're alone in the end.

Rock
Shook my head out
Took the drama out
Set me to the chaos frequency
That rocks the world

Escape or re-entrance
Sure it's the latter
Prefers the latter
Getting angry to get sane

Don't let the troubles tremor
Nothing's gonna stop your rumble
But when the music plays out
Will it last if you've got no devices?

Windy

The MO really went all out into getting me cured... on anti-bios now. But he can't cure everything.
Just read this article in TIME about the emotional vulnerability of... boys, because as compared to girls, they don't express their feelings easily. In fact, 81% of suicide cases between 10-24 are guys.

Sat at home finishing the game Flower.

Windy
Windy landscapes
Breezing through fields of violets and blues
Starry night skies
Above this meadow of so many hues

Hearing nothing
But that soft piano tune
Seeing it all below you
In the sky in a lone hot air balloon

Far away from the cities
Stepping out into the light of the moon,
I never want to leave...
Not now, not so soon.

Notes on notes

Somehow can't edit properly the text on the previous post (notes) nor this one (using HTML instead). There are 3 poems meant to be separate. Follow, Under the Oak and Feelings and Thoughts... Lately I've found a need to write, post and blog again proper. I realized I always wrote on a few topics... of travels in a dreamy place, a crush or just stuff like this, a little tailored like Yams'. Wish I had more experience and more time. Am already writing this using valuable time. The title 'notes' is a ref to the medium I write on nowadays, on my phone rather than a notebook that I used to write on.

Notes

Follow

Losing steam, while i was ahead

Which track was i meant for?

Someone gave me a map

But i had no compass

Veered left and veered right,

Followed the winds then dug my own tunnels. 

I want to be like him, and him and him.

No, be yourself they told me.

Tell that to a crook, a villain

Is wrong inherent? Or wait like wine, sweeter with age?

Under the oak

I sat and pondered

Silent i soaked

time i squandered

Under the ash 

I dreamed and wondered

Thought i was rash

Really a coward

Was afraid of choosing and losing

Was afraid of commitment to something i couldnt see the end to

Nagging in my head

Procrastinate and hate

Lying on my bed 

The cold bites again

And again and again

Left it to my will

Like a child succumbed

Realized now, forgetting later

Wrong

Knowing but uncontrolling

Left nothing but distaste

Bitter and lingering

Was it the sickness or the medicine?

Which is better - to live or to enjoy a wasted living

Sought refuge in crevices

Fooled only myself

Shadows don't disappear in the dark

They engulf wholly instead

Get out of my head

Never ending feelings against thoughts