Unsure

I really don't know how else to title it.
I'm writing now because a dilemma just an hour ago.
I told my friend to help me dabao some Bhar Chor Mee back as I was on duty and couldn't go out myself.

She forgot and by the time she got back it was late. I called her to ask if she had helped me buy (as she helped buy for a few other people, as per normal) and she panicked a little when she realized she forgot. I told her it's OK and I'd just eat cup noodles for dinner. I really didn't think she'd be so kind/guilty that she'd go out again (at about 9.30) just to buy me food. I only found out when she was already outside and asking me whether I wanted Mee Kia or Mee Pok. By then I had made myself some cup noodles to eat.

I ate the cup noodles before the Bhar Chor Mee came and you know when faced with this kind of overwhelming kindness you definitely can't say no. So I ate the Bhar Chor as well knowing it wasn't going to be good for my health.

But not this bad... coughing like crazy with tons of phlegm from the MSG and oil.

And with sundown just a few days away... after training for so long, I would really really get pissed off if it were to go waste. All I can do now is to recover. As much as I can.

And I'm in this awkward position of so much anger without something to direct it to. Obviously, she was being unreasonably kind and I can't be angry at her. But then is it my fault for guilt-tripping, or eating twice? I couldn't hold back my annoyance at her for being absurdly kind after I told her not to buy anymore but at the same time... yeah she was being nice.

This kind of reminds me of my elder brother who was being nice teaching me driving. But so recklessly... Fuck all of this. Why do I have to be angry all the time.

Shorts

It's always good to experiment

Breeze
Through and shallow
Fairly subtle
And i was gone
Found unsatisfactory

Dusk
Under an orange sky
Fiery and calm
I want to get on with my life
And yet I don't

20 ago

I'm writing this on an I-net in camp.
I turned 20 a few days ago in the most uneventful way possible.
It's what I always wanted.
And maybe not.

Maybe I should just admit that like everyone else I do want to feel a little special sometimes.
No.
Maybe I was just put off by that selfishness.
Maybe I don't want to be that person who thinks the world revolves around them.
And yes, I think trying to get everyone to celebrate your birthday and acknowledge it and saying "Happy birthday!" will make me into that person I hate.
Because I don't believe anyone is 'special'. I don't think I'm special.
But because I deprived myself, it backfired.
Every year it's the same. I keep it to myself, but inside I really want to tell someone about it, and I hope so much someone will remember.
And I'm supposed to be 20.

Do you know what people do at 20?!?
DO YOU???
http://www.museumofconceptualart.com/accomplished/ <--- googled="" i="" just="" p="" this.="">
So it's about time I admit, I was a little sad.
It's about time I admit, I don't just want a good day on my birthday. I want a good day and the company of good friends giving me a good day.
It's about time I admit I really enjoyed my birthday date with Mel, and I really like her...

Till the next.
 

Breaking the 5th

Lately have been trying to do too many things at once. Work, exercise, family, friends. And myself. I couldn't sleep just now at 10+ so I went all the way till now. Is it some left over caffeine in my blood? Is it something hanging in my head? Really wishing for something more. I should go and write a few poems.

May

And soon I won't be a teen.

Day or night person? And with whom? Did you spend the day or night with? In the end, do we all reach a steady state? Aging the antithesis of the law of entropy. From a chaotic mess to a constant. Collin said "Now I understand what they mean when they say 2 years is a sacrifice." But just because this isn't the original path doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything. Because any RPG needs fulfilling side-quests to be a true epic. O god. Nerd.

Musings. I used to do that where I'd just type out my thoughts. Whatever comes out. Incomprehensible or abstractly so. Somewhere in the mess is me and somehow I can discern it all. I read through it and like a puzzle solved it comes back to me what I was thinking then in an un-straightforward way and so unlike me. Right?

I wish I had more time.

Street

Just playing around with language and stuff.

Street
Was walking down alone
A still and misty street
Kept glancing at my phone
My music on repeat

Unsure where I'm to go
This cold and silent night
Under the eerie glow
Of a warm and orange light

Just around the corner
In a small shelter's shade
I glimpsed a slender figure
She was naturally radiant,
Alike something hand-made

Lit softly by the billboard
Her cheeks a little flushed
That night it started to drizzle
And the ambience became hushed

I sat down right next to her
And watched the sparkling raindrops
Glow orange around the streetlights
No longer an eerie sight.

Ran 20km today. By myself again. Glenn told me even he runs with someone else. *Shrugs* o well.
There are groups of friends whom, when I'm with them, I am almost entirely eradicated of inhibition. (You can really only get this with eccentric art people with sadly lots of issues) And I wish it were that simple, especially with Mel, right? But no. You have to work hard for something you want. I know that. Or does something like ~frequency~ kind of come naturally? Can you get used to, and enjoy somebody's company... over time? Nobody's a carbon-copy. You play out the side that's important. Maybe I just haven't found out which is yet.

Time check: 2.05 AM
It's actually already Sunday eh?

Demons is nice for the lyrics too. Cause ya know everyone kind of thinks they have a dark-side (or at least I do) that's not very pleasant/normal. Ah but this ain't a confidence issue cause I know part of my character ain't gonna conform to societal norms but that's fine with me! The question is, is it fine with you that I don't mind heavy metal/progressive rock and I like to game, and maybe I have really dark humor stemming from nihilist philosophy and that I think most people are under the illusion of too much drama and maybe for some situations people need to quit whining and man up.

J1 "senior crush" hahahaha. Sorry but that's really cute/sweet just because I have no idea why somebody would crush on me (unless I am somehow unaware that I'm ridiculously handsome which is not the case). Crushes to me usually has some superficial connotation to it, so does personality count? By the time I was J2 I was pretty set on being loner and stuff and anyway I always thought that's too young to be in a healthy relationship. So in J1 I liked a lot of girls but I'd just brush any stray thoughts aside since friendship's more important right(?) and maybe MORE importantly... we're just young and stupid and obviously ain't gonna make any sound decisions just yet. What about her right? "Isn't that the question of the day??" ~Harry Osbourne. Well to be honest yes I did like her, but also to be honest not as much as other girls in my batch (the closer you get with someone, the more you tend to obsess a little). Does it matter now though? Not really but it's cute and she's a lovely person.

Time check: 2.25 AM
Brother just got home. "What are you doing?... You have a blog????"

So what if I do actually...? Who really reads my blog nowadays lol. It's sort of an annex to me now. An archive. Something that's written in the SOP that I have to do but not entirely useful except for that one day you decide to read back on your life and basically go 'wtf' when you do.

Time check: 2.29 AM

Brother just switched the lights off. (Wow am I tweeting or what) And I should be ending soon (PLEASE PLEASE DO) Today I traveled to the ends of the earth to see my friend toss his peaked cap and basically have dinner. And yesterday I had lunch with Mel after breakfast with my family. I'm actually still nervous every time I meet her HAHA. But not in a confidence sort of way (I might add!). Does that make any sense? Probably not because

Time check: 2.37 AM
And I'm out of caffeine in my system.

Runner's notice

Yesterday I had to make a different decision. To run or take public transport to POP. I decided the latter too mainstream so I ran the former would free my Sunday morning, killing two birds with one stone so I woke up at 4am on Saturday and took off at 5 to the platform.

When you run long distance, you inevitably get a little bored... a little extra observant. You'll notice stuff. Specific stuff. Shall call it runner's notice.

1. Other runners

Cause I'm wondering why the hell are they up at this hour too

2. The lightning storm.

CAT 1? Should I actually be running? What if it rains? What if I get struck by lightning? What has the army been teaching me all this time?!

3. "John Cleese"

I swear when I saw this billboard I thought it was John Cheese. Why is this guy on a billboard? Who is he anyway?

4. The newspaper delivery man
Saw him stack and sort newspaper at the bottom of my house. I think there's something sentimental about seeing such people. Like what are their stories? Are they lonely? What motivates them everyday?

5. Waterbay place?
Just a condo I specifically noticed. Entering into the condo 'division' of  Tanjong Rhu. Actually the name probably ain't correct. Water something.

6. That guy sleeping in one of the shelters on Marina Barrage.
Just a random, probably migrant worker.

7. The lone traveler who took a picture on the bridge from Gardens by the Bay to Marina Bay Sands
Self-explanatory.

8. The probably party-going youngsters catching a cab at 6+ near Marina square.
Or people who eat absurdly early breakfast in nice clothes.

Seasons 2
There is a spring
Where the cherry blossom blooms
Where the sun rises first
To bring clear afternoons

There is a summer
Where the ocean waves swell
Along vast golden beaches
Stretching as far as one can tell

There is an autumn
Where the auburn leaves fall
Littering windswept paths
Along meadows and gentle knolls

There is a winter
Where it gently snows
Across a sea of lights
Where warm fires glow

And

There is a place
Where the seasons don't change
Only everlasting sunshine
And never ceasing rain.
And that's where I met you