Black Book

She read my poems as if a comic.
All those posts written in my little, nearly-filled black book.

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Christmas
It just turned Christmas in Italy. I just woke up both physically and spiritually. Hard to imagine how much I'm feeling right now. Tossing two coins in the Travi fountain.

I've never really felt comfortable alone. From being scared to lonesome, it hasn't made a difference then and now. When I was home alone I used to erase my insecurity with TV and games. Even now, sitting in a hotel room while my elder bro is mingling at the bar. This is what Jesus gives, and quite honestly, I haven't got to a point where He is truly Lord, felt in my life, controlling it. I will not lie in saying I have no doubts about Christianity but I stick to it anyway for my reasons. Perhaps over a cup of tea anyone? Anyway, they say ENFJs are like that. 'shouldn't be alone'

And since I'm on this topic I should come clean, and say I sometimes don't appreciate my guy friends enough. Its true. I'm shallow. Inside. (Having always to drag my feet towards the moral choice, which to some is actually OK, but in Christianity your attitude does matter more) Always worried I will become some stereotypical nerd (much in contrary to this blog title), perhaps a characteristic of having few friends of the fairer sex. But if I don't want others to harbor stereotypes, how can I? But perhaps a more vague part of this issue matters to me. As Counsellor Gary Koh said in his talk on stress. (Paraphrased) 'Not looking for a girlfriend or anything like that, its just nice lah' (to talk to girls, referring to guys in the audience).

And I do talk to girls about different things. Hollywood will have one think all they care about is shoe shopping, hunky guys and other superficial stuff. While not completely untrue, have we not also lamented the fact that usually, guys, and humans in general, are misunderstood? Taken for only one thing, assumed for another accordingly. And when someone doesn't quite turn out the way you thought, did we get hurt and pushed them away, or embraced them for who they are, after all the countless Disney movies we watch? (Do we realize the mistakes in our lives, reflect and try again?) Insecurity rife, paranoia in bloom. Think too much. Merry Christmas.

Will continue with another one next time.

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Conversation Earlier, [Present: Ben, HQ, Amanda, Yi Hui]
(Insults to Ben about how he's so obvious when he likes someone)
"But you give hints right?" Ben
"Yeah but subtly amirite? Like compliments, have to be right timing" Li Keen
"Don't you give me a lot of compliments?" HQ
"Aiya overdone luh yours, too many to be subtle" Li Keen
That's cause I like you luh duh! [In Head]
But in case you're reading I'm quite happy being friends, we obviously don't click that much and what a wasted friendship!
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Jazz Club friend's comments for this song "THE RIFF IS DAM JIZZ"

You know what he meant.