Dark thoughts of an ENFJ

The familiar aftermath of a bittersweet memory.
Once a Victorian, always a Victorian. And Victorians, are something more.
Loneliness is something you feel only when you realize.
After typing that, I suddenly decided to pray.
Today, church was. Compelling. A reminder that true faith is giving up everything.
I don't think I'm ready for that, definitely.
A reminder that music, photography and God, are my only everlasting friends.
I am invariably affected by emotion. One simple event to crash my entire day, or perhaps one complicated day to crash that single event.

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None of us want to ask for it. Ask for help, ask for relief, ask for slack. Instead we scream it out in different actions and reactions.

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Often we see a person, and we are selfish. We are selfish because we think the person needs you especially, and the person treasures you the most. But you look at their profile picture, you read their blog, you witness a conversation between them and a stranger to you, you delve deeper into an abyss of curiosity and loneliness because you realize the person isn't that best friend you were looking for. Isn't the affectionate friend, the soulmate maybe, that we all go out of our way to keep.

Those moments when you think you're having the time of your life just chatting, and the person sees another friend, and just. Leaves. You. Hanging. That person. Doesn't need you. 

So we are not needy. We are needy to be needed.

Maybe he needed you. But humans are fickle and ungrateful. And change is the only constant. I met Mr Wong yesterday and he said that. I think despite all the clichés, it still matters to me that a teacher connects on a different level, that you do not just teach a subject. That they share things outside the syllabus, outside their subject sometimes. So thank you Mr Wong. You may not have said the most deep and inspiring quotes in my life, but simple words and phrases, coming from a Chemistry teacher, is really, comparably, great. RJ teachers can be rather impersonal. It is understandable of course, but downright annoying.

Facebook Groups are forgotten. Friends are forgotten. Teachers are forgotten. Schools are forgotten. Families are forgotten. Everything. Is fucking. Forgotten.

Some people. They just forget you, and then when they are vulnerable, are you supposed to help them? Obviously. But how do you know they need you? Consistency is always lost with humans in the picture.

I don't have that 'best friend'. I am a floater. Wading across different social groups as the temporary excitement of the conversation. But I don't want to be part of the one clique. It is in my belief that our class for example, has to start somewhere, with someone. Bryan Lum led the way, but none have followed. So I try. But he too, has obvious cliques. And so do I. I am hindered by both sides. One, doesn't want to engage on a deeper level, the other, wants me to stay with them forever, or don't join at all. And in the end, I only sacrifice myself for an impractical ideal.

And I will not be afraid in spilling. In being socially incorrect.

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I am a shadow of everyone. I pick a person to be like in certain situations. And it is the combination of all this near-xeroxing that I have pushed the only true part of myself, into a lonely space. Webspace. Its called keepingincheck.blogspot.com

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Singapore needs a country side. A space. And I wish I had the time, and friends, to just visit there, the one, two, three of us. The sky is the most beautiful change everyday