Reflect

I know I should be sleeping. But my hair is still wet. But I have a strong feeling I need to reflect today.

And feelings are important.

After countless instances of ruthless logic displayed by my mother, perhaps there is still a humanity in me that compels my soul to be... soulful. That even after all the calculative and cold thoughts I have, I till have a desire to be... different. And that balance is important, its who I am.

It reminds me of a long held respect for Taoism. A faith that once again I have been reminded off this evening by a chance meeting with  a fellow volunteer at Punggol South Branch who is part of both the Taoist federation, and I'm not joking... the Sikhism Association. Round of applause <3 Singapore.

This is because the Taoist's most famous symbol, of Yin and Yang, is something I believe in. About balance, about the fact that to be whole, there are always two sides. That there is always an alternative way of thinking about this question, etc. Its about reflection. About the opposite yet the same. That light cannot exist without darkness is one of the most famous examples of both literature and physics.

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I'm just going to say it, its still difficult. I refrain from saying that Megan is difficult, because that's rude and that's wrong. Rather, I seem to have developed some form of language when I talk to different people. Again. I do not speak the same way to everyone. Is that good or bad? Does it show openness or lack of sincerity? Its a complex issue.

But my brain hasn't processed a way to talk to Megan. Granted, I still have no idea how to engage some of the people in my class, but I don't have to work with them, do I? When Megan talks on a professional level, it is really really professional. Like perhaps the way you would talk to an unengaged teacher mentor. Its like when you read a text with no smileys or 'haha's or 'lol's. Its kind of. Cold. And increasingly so she talks like that... I wonder if she thinks I'm weird or difficult to talk to or something. Meh :/ you know, I just don't really have time to think about that right now.

Then there's her side where whatever you say needs to be carefully thought because she's going to read it like an experienced historian. True, she might be joking. I dislike ambiguity like that though. Well she probably is joking when she's talking as a friend.

Trouble starts when she mixes that analysis with work, then it starts to get frustrating.
Get this: I think more than you think. 
Not saying I engage in more thought than you. Rather, you are underestimating my ability to take into account all sides, about balance, something I obsess over too much. Often when I make a suggestion, it ends up with me and her having to explain myself with many 'as in's and 'like's (seriously, she spams them in her convos). Of course, I think I'm rather cynical here. I believe that we're both more effective leaders than we give ourselves credit for, and this back and forth clarification and frustration is a way of showing we mean business.


If I told that to her, she'll probably immediately comment that we shouldn't be too arrogant. And I pause and think: That's what I would say actually. So I have discovered through typing this post: She's just like me. Annoying.

Scary thing though, somehow she knows I like/used to like/like but don't really care Deborah. Dam scary. Hmm. She could be reading... Hmm.. don't give  a damn frankly. In fact, let the whole world read. I have only one request: You read a post as a whole, and not pick the chunks that form a one-sided suspicion. Even if you don't or can't read every dam thing (understandable), I suggest you don't assume things about me. Because it might be that one thing that pisses me off the most. Assumptions.


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Have to start training. Only then will I be able to build my track record.